Looking out the window, all one could see was white. The ground was covered with a soft blanket of snow that glittered underneath the gentle light of the radiant full moon. It had stopped snowing a couple of hours ago, unfortunately- he would have loved to continue watching the delicate snowflakes fluttering softly onto the building mounds of white that blocked his view of the barren earth. It was mesmerizing to watch the fragile little crystals of ice fluttering about in the winter wind, a dance of beauty that was hard to look away from. He wasn’t really a fan of cold weather, or the winter season in general really, but he made an exception when it came to snow; there were far too many good memories that had been made in the snow for him to ever possibly dislike it.

In fact, it was those fond memories that made Nickhun smile now as he stared outside the window, counting down the minutes until midnight. There were only so many of them left, and then once they had passed it would be Christmas. Christmas- yet another exception he made when it came to winter; he absolutely adored the holiday. Gripping his cellphone in hands tightly, he checked the faintly glowing numbers on the screen once more.

He couldn’t wait.

Looking out the window, all one could see was darkness. The night sky was always dark; however, in winter it was always more so than usual, colored the pure blackness of oblivion instead of deep blue. Of course, there were still stars, twinkling balls of bright light that punctured the vast sea of black like holes poked through paper with the tip of a freshly sharpened pencil. They tended to be brightest in the winter time due to their closer proximity to the earth’s surface, the light they gave off a brilliant shade of white. However, even with the stars the sky was still an expanse of darkness that made him disoriented if he stared at it for too long. It was easy to get lost in the view, into the night sky to the point where it almost felt like he was drowning, his head spinning. The fact that the moon was full tonight didn’t necessarily help- it was always more disorienting to stare at the sky when the moon was either full or new, drawing either too much attention to itself or too little, for reasons that he couldn’t explain.

It had been snowing earlier, but by now the flurries had long since stopped and the world was still once more. It was a shame that he had only caught the last few minutes of the snow, the storm slowing down to a near stop by the time he had finally come to watch it from the window. He loved snow- especially because he loved it too. Now, separated by barriers both physical and intangible, it was impossible for them to enjoy it together. The thought made him let out a sigh, although he himself did not know whether it was out of some feeling akin to disappointment and regret or if he simply let out the breath in an attempt to relax his body and reassure himself.

Taecyeon just wanted it to be midnight already; he was getting tired of waiting.

Three more minutes to go.

The soft smile on Nickhun’s face grew as a sense of giddy excitement bubbled up in his chest. Not able to help himself, for he had already been so patient to wait this long, his thumb scrolled through the contacts list on the small device in his hands. His finger hovered over that one name that was so precious to him for a few heart pounding seconds before it fell. The screen lit up a blinding white, that special name illuminated in plain text at the top with two colored circles underneath it. One was green and one was red- festive colors for the current holiday, although in this particular instance they weren’t meant to represent anything remotely close to holiday cheer.

He hesitated, biting his bottom lip in thought. To call or not to call?

There were still two minutes left until midnight.

Two minutes to go and he was getting restless. Taecyeon had never been a very patient person and to him, it felt as if he were suffocating as he was forced to endure the rhythmic ticking of the clock as it slowly counted down. Honestly, it was enough to make anyone go insane.

He was shocked by the abrupt buzzing of his cellphone, the object vibrating on the kitchen table a few feet away. He blinked his dark eyes and then swallowed hard as his hand reached out for it. A strange mix of anticipation and dreadful anxiety burned his already dry throat and made his heart beat faster.

It wasn’t even midnight yet. However, the text message displayed on the screen was as clear as day. Two words- only two words.

‘Merry Christmas!’

The cell vibrated again in his hands.

“Merry Christmas, Taec!” Nickhun laughed, the wide smile on his face never leaving.

“Merry Christmas.”

“Oh, come on,” he teased, “you don’t sound very happy about it. I know you love this time of year. Weren’t you the one that woke me up early last year because you were too excited to sleep when it came to opening presents in the morning?” The memory was a fond one, a happy one. It had been their first Christmas together as a couple- this year would be their second. No, it was supposed to be their second. Things didn’t always work out.

“You’re one to talk,” Taecyeon scoffed, although he couldn’t fight the amusement he felt, lips titling upwards. The gesture was clear in his voice, even if the action itself went unseen by anyone but his own reflection in the glass of the window he gazed at. “It I remember correctly, you were the one that insisted we both wear those hideous sweaters.”

“Guilty as charged. It’s a tradition.” Nickhun wondered if Taecyeon would be wearing one right now, specifically if he would be wearing the one that he had bought him during the previous Christmas season the year before. He was too afraid to ask though, scared he might not like the answer. It was such a small thing to be curious over and get upset about, yet at that moment it was piece of information that seemed vital to him.

The smile on his face turned sad and eventually faded completely. How pathetic, he thought, even within the safety of his own imagination he couldn’t gather the courage to ask such a simple question. Even in the perfectly happy fantasy he was dreaming, he wasn’t sure if Taecyeon would be wearing the admittingly atrocious and itchy sweater he had given him. Maybe his appalling lack of confidence in such things was the reason that they fell apart.

Nickhun’s grip on his phone tightened briefly and then he let it fall slack with a frustrated sigh. His arm swung limply by his side, the screen of his phone still displaying the same blank one as before with the bolded name and the two colorful buttons that he had yet to touch, his indecisiveness getting the best of him. It was a miracle that he had been able to even press ‘send’ on the short and lackluster text message earlier.

‘Merry Christmas!’

Those were words that could have been said by anyone; they were nothing special. The greeting wasn’t even spoken out loud, but written in tiny font in ink black letters. So impersonal. So insincere. Not at all his true feelings.

He decided to try again.

‘I miss you.’

Send.

That was true, but not entirely what he wanted to convey. He had chickened out again. How disgraceful.

‘I miss you.’

Three words this time- the small addition made him feel no better. It was still too short. The impression it left was still too flat and detached, nothing but lifeless lines of text despite the voice he could hear repeating that very same phrase in his head.

“I miss you too,” Taecyeon admitted. Surprisingly, it didn’t hurt as much as he thought it would to do so.

“Well,” Nickhun drew out the word in a manner that came across as both playful and cautious, “there’s an easy solution to that problem, you know.”

Taecyeon scoffed, though the sound wasn’t necessarily harsh. “Oh really?” He meant for his tone to sound playful, but there was no escaping the slight undercurrent of bitterness that colored his voice and soured his next sentence. “Are you the one that suggested we take a break?”

He winced. Even in his head, their causal conversations still turned into arguments without his meaning them to.

He glanced back down at the phone in his hands blankly. How was he supposed to respond? Was he even expected to? Nickhun’s reaching out could be interpreted as an attempt at reconciliation, as an unspoken permission to start again. Or it could simply be one acquaintance wishing another a happy holiday. It could simply be an old friend noting the amount of time that has passed as silence between them. The messages appeared unclear to him, giving nothing away.

‘I still love you.’

A message that was never sent.

‘Merry Christmas.’

A meager two word reply that meant pages and pages of content to its author.

However, to the recipient, it was just that- two words, the phrase as empty and ambiguous as his own messages had sounded.

Nickhun tore his gaze away from the snow-covered ground outside and glanced at the impossibly dark sky above. He blinked, the sight of it reminding him vaguely of the color of Taecyeon’s eyes.

Glancing at the wall clock on his way to bed, he noted the time. 12:01. It looks as if Taecyeon had actually managed to wait before sending his well wishes, unlike him. Did that mean something, or was he reading too much into it?

In a short-lived act of impulsiveness he would worry about later, he unlocked his phone and hit the small little send button once more.

His breath caught at the message that appeared illuminated on the screen in all its glory. Taecyeon felt a smile spread across his face despite himself, unconsciously lowering his gaze from the vast emptiness and darkness of the sky outside to the sparkling white snow below it as a warm feeling overtook him.

‘I still love you.’

Four words this time. It still wasn’t ideal, but he could work with that.

‘This stupid sweater you got me itches like crazy, but I guess a tradition’s a tradition. I love you too, Khun.’

Yeah, he nodded to himself, pressing send. This was a start.