Seungwan was tired.

Scratch that; she was fed up.

She had to admit she had been distancing herself from Seulgi for the past few months, but it was simply because she had some personal problems she had to deal with. She had been able to put up a front for the most part of her slump, but her admission of having been through hard times during the same period on Level Up Project had got the cat out of the bag.

Sure, she wasn’t proud of admitting that in front of the cameras, but she was clearly high on adrenaline while parasailing and that’s why she confessed.

She didn’t even remember saying it until that fateful day, when they were having a movie night and before proceeding to watch movies, they decided to watch one of their LUP reality show’s episode.

Everything was going well, until the scene of her doing what could be qualified as derpy faces while parasailing for the first time came on screen.

“Unnie, you look like you are a few fries short of a happy meal…” Yeri commented, while her eyes were still glued to the laptop screen.

“Yerim-ah!” Joohyun chastised, although it was obvious she was hiding her cackles with a very fake cough.

Sooyoung high-fived Yeri while smirking mischievously and Seungwan could do nothing but roll her eyes. She averted her gaze to her roommate, who was sitting next to her on the couch, and seemed to be especially interested in whatever was happening on her phone’s screen. She was probably texting one of the hundred girls she kept in contact with.

Either way, that scene happened. Seungwan had been through a difficult and trying time; it had started at the beginning of Rookie promotions and went on way after Red Flavor was released. When they recorded in Thailand, she thought she had finally put an end to her various issues, but turns out she was only distracted. When she went back to Korea, her bad thoughts came back and the desperation she felt was even bigger if it was possible. Thus, instead of talking with her best friend, Seulgi—she assumed the girl, being born in Korea with a different cultural upbringing and all wouldn’t really understand her feelings— she bottled up her thoughts and emotions and acted as if everything was all right. She was under the impression she was doing a great job, but apparently she was wrong.

One day when they had been practicing for the whole evening for their new comeback, coincidentally, her thoughts kept invading her mind and making her mood even worse. She was hungry, tired, sleepy and sore and evidently, her control over her emotions slipped.

Sooyoung noticed first because she was closer to her. The younger girl looked at her puzzled and asked if she was okay. She clearly wasn’t, because if there were any doubts, her next comment cleared everything out.

“Unnie, if you keep that face up, you’re gonna be stuck with that scowl for the rest of your life.” Yerim was approaching them and the taller girl took the opportunity to include her in the conversation. “Ask Yeri, she’d know.”

For her part, the maknae jabbed her elbow onto Sooyoung’s ribs, making her bend sightly and the shorter of the two took the chance to put her on a chokehold.

“Lies. We all know the face winner here is Joohyun unnie.”

The other two girls looked alarmed at each other, and then to where their leader was currently, talking with the choreographer and Seulgi. Thankfully, she was far enough not to hear them, and they sighed softly.

“So what’s up with that sour face? Lover’s quarrel?” Sooyoung asked.

“What lover are you talking about?” Seungwan huffed, placing her back on the wall and sliding down lazily to the floor.

“Unnie, you already know whom we refer to when we say words like “lover’s quarrel”, “trouble in paradise”, and so on.”

Seungwan closed her eyes, wishing for the day to end already.

“It’s not about Seulgi.”

“Hmm…” Sooyoung looked doubtful, but also mildly interested. “So what is worrying you?”

Luckily for her, she was saved from answering the question since the other two girls approached them, letting them know they needed to practice for a little bit longer.

Seungwan was laying down on her bed, eyes looking up at the ceiling, unable to fall asleep. She was aware of the fact that once their comeback started, they’d not be getting any sleep and she needed to rest as much as possible but her mind kept her awake day after day. Frankly, it was really tiring, and she was done. She looked to her right and saw Seulgi’s back moving slowly, obviously deep asleep.

Lucky you, Seungwan thought somewhat bitterly.

After changing positions restlessly trying to fall asleep for about 10 minutes, she decided to head to the kitchen and have a cup of tea. It was late, and didn’t think anyone would be awake still, so she almost screamed her lungs out when she saw a person sitting in the darkness in one of the kitchen’s stools. Joohyun looked up from her cup of milk and also got startled.

Seungwan chuckled, relieved after seeing who was the other occupant of the room.

“Guess we’re both scaredy-cats.” She opened one of the cupboards and took out a mug.

“Yeah, guess so. In fact, I think the only one who is not a scaredy-cat in this group is Seulgi.”

Seungwan stopped to think about the statement for a second, and they realized her unnie was right. She put some water in kettle and turned it on.

“So what are you doing still up, unnie?” Seungwan asked, sitting down across from the older woman.

“I could ask you the same thing.” Joohyun’s lips quirked up. Still, she answered. “I always drink a cup of warm milk before going to sleep.”

“Oh, you’ve already drank it though?” Seungwan answered, puzzled because the cup was empty.

“Yes but since I thought someone may need to talk I waited to see if they showed up.”

The younger girl blushed lightly and averted her gaze.

“You… ah… do you mean… me?”

Joohyun looked at her with an adoring expression on her face.

“Yes, Seungwan. I saw how conflicted you looked this morning. I figured you needed someone to listen to you but I didn’t want to interrupt our practice or upset you more than you already were then.”

“Well… I don’t know if―” the keetle’s noise interrupted her and she quickly moved from her stool and topped her mug with the hot water. She sat back down and looked at her mug, unable to hold her leader’s intimidating gaze.

“You were saying?” Joohyun said softly.

“I don’t know if you’ll understand, unnie.”

Joohyun moved her hand and put it under Seungwan’s chin, forcing her to finally look her in the eyes.

“Seungwan, you can tell me anything; you all know that. I’m not a very talkative person, but I know how to listen.”

“I know that, unnie. It’s just… it’s embarrassing to admit.” She replied, voice cracking slightly.

“What is?”

Seungwan kept mum. She sipped her tea slowly and wondered how and if she should disclose her thoughts to Joohyun. She knew the woman was pretty understanding and patient, seeing as she was still waiting for her to reply but she wasn’t sure if what she was about to tell her was too much.

“I… I am now sure I… like girls.” Seungwan closed her eyes, as if expecting the older one to hit her.

There was silence for a while and it was making the anxiety levels on Seungwan’s body skyrocket. She opened one of her eyes hesitatingly just to confirm Joohyun wasn’t holding any deadly weapon on her hands. Or her scalding tea mug, in this case.

Joohyun was looking at her silently, seemingly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Since she wasn’t saying more, she asked.

“That’s it?”

“Uhm… yes?” Seungwan was confused. Was that not enough to break the peaceful atmosphere they had in the group?

“I thought you had killed someone.” Joohyun started laughing by her own joke.

“What? You… you don’t mind?” Seungwan wide eyed look was causing the Daegu born to laugh even more.

“Why should I? Seungwan, I’m from the south, but not everyone in the south is judgemental.”

“I know that, but Korea…” Seungwan was trying to rationalize her fear.

“I understand what you’re trying to say; Koreans aren’t the most open minded people you can meet. Trust me, I know.”

Seungwan felt immensely thankful for her unnie. She knew Joohyun and her family weren’t exactly in the best of terms since she decided to be a singer, but the fact that she didn’t see anything wrong with being gay was something that helped her breathe properly for the first time in weeks.

“Why are you crying?” Joohyun asked, while wiping her tears with the pads of her thumbs.

Seungwan hadn’t even noticed she had let the waterworks fall until the other woman mentioned it.

“I don’t know I’m… happy, I guess?” She chuckled even with her tears running down her face.

Joohyun stood up and hugged Seungwan tightly.

“Dummy. I love you and care for you, and nothing’s gonna change that.”

“Thank you, thank you, unnie.” The younger woman hugged back, the comforting smell of the leader’s familiar fabric softener washing over her like a lullaby.

After a comfortable silence fell over them, Joohyun broke the hug and took her mug to the sink.

“Do you want to sleep in my room tonight?”

Seungwan’s mind almost short-circuited by hearing the double entendre the sentence carried. Nonetheless, Irene didn’t seem to catch on to her own euphemism and looked at the younger woman expectantly. She finally nodded, placing her cup, now empty, on the sink as well and following their leader to her bedroom.

As soon as she entered the room, the scent that was so characteristic of Joohyun invaded her senses. It was a flowery fragrance that she couldn’t quite pinpoint.

“Seungwan, you can take that side if you don’t mind.”

Being a leader had some perks and one of the few things she was envious of was the queen sized bed Joohyun currently had in her room. Seulgi and her had tried to replicate the length of a queen bed by joining their respective single beds but the separation dip in the middle was a cruel reminder of their smaller mattresses.

“Wow, I knew this bed looked comfy but I couldn’t have imagined how much!” Seungwan went under the covers, and she felt the nerves she had been carrying were dissipating slowly but surely. “I feel like your sheets and duvet are giving me a warm hug!”

She was surprisingly chipper for someone that looked miserable a few minutes before but Irene was happy to see that she had helped to change her mood.

“I’m glad you like it. I sometimes miss sharing a room with any of you, but other times I’m happy to have a space that is only mine, if only for a little while.”

Seungwan became silent.

“I didn’t mean to offend you, Seungwan. I mean that I-”

Joohyun was cut off.

“No, I totally get it, unnie. I also would like to have a space where I can think by myself. I love you guys, but sometimes I’d like to be alone.”

“Is Seulgi being a difficult roommate?” Joohyun’s question was simple enough, but Wendy was used to their members always asking things as if they were only curious when more often than not, they had a hidden agenda.

“I mean… she’s okay” Seungwan said, tone as unconvincing as could be.

Joohyun burst out laughing.

“Is she still as unorganized as before?”

“Don’t get me wrong, she’s improved… somewhat. It’s just… she’s not communicating with me.”

Joohyun finished putting the clothes she had just ironed away and got under the covers. She laid down and sighed contentedly.

“What do you mean?”

“She’s… never sharing her thoughts. I always talk for hours and she just listens intently, and when I ask her how she’s doing she always says she’s okay but I can tell sometimes she is not. Does she speak to you at all?” Seungwan was obviously put off by that, but the older woman was aware there was more to it that what she was saying.

“Well, she does come to me to ask me for advice sometimes. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but she’s not the most talkative person, and that’s coming from me.”

“Yeah, but I feel like I’m unfairly burdening her with my problems and I want it to be reciprocal but she won’t budge.”

“I wouldn’t pressure her. If she wants to talk, she’ll come to you, don’t you think?”

Joohyun didn’t get why she was so upset by that. Seulgi was not a sharing feelings kind of girl.

“But still…” Seungwan felt dumb. She knew she was too riled up but wasn’t talking one of the paramount things in friendships? She saw how much they talked and how deep the conversations between the maknaes were and she kind of envied them for it. She couldn’t complain about Seulgi as a friend, that wasn’t an issue at all, but she did wonder why Seulgi had started to define their relationship with a “best friends” status when the conversations they had never went too deep in Seulgi’s case. Sometimes Wendy worried she was annoying her friend with her neverending monologues about this and that and she was ashamed to admit that she tried to refrain from speaking too much about her mundane everyday things but since Seulgi never complained and was such a good listener she just kept on rambling.

Apart from that, another issue she had to acknowledge was how, now that that her ual orientation matter was out of the way, she was becoming aware of her attraction towards Seulgi. If she looked back, she could tell it had always been there, and as much as she tried to vehemently deny it —even to Seulgi herself when she joked that one time about it—, she knew she liked her. At first she atributted the excitement she felt whenever she was with the dancer to having found a new friend that was so compatible with her. Moving countries was never easy and the thing she feared the most was not finding people she’d click with, especially in the competitive idol world. Luckily, as soon as she met Seulgi she was positive she wouldn’t need to worry about that.

Over time, the giddiness just increased but was unlike the emotion she had felt when she met the rest of Red Velvet; needless to say, she loved all of them and she was thankful to have such supportive group members but she could tell the feelings were a far cry from what she felt for the same aged girl.

Gradually, she started to notice that Seulgi possesed the traits that she found attractive in a prospective suitor. She was responsible, smart, clear-headed, hard-working and not to mention the kindest and humblest person she’d ever met. Of course, she was also clumsy and somewhat messy in the way she carried herself but it was endearing rather than off putting.

Wendy sighed.

“You okay?” Joohyun’s voice startled her.

“Yes, I’m just… thinking.”

The older woman smiled softly.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I don’t know if that’s overstepping boundaries…”

“Do you like someone? Is that it?”

Seungwan’s head snapped up. She hesitated for a while, then realized she didn’t have to hide that part of hers anymore.

“Yes. I know I shouldn’t, because nothing will come out of it, but I can’t help but wonder.”

“So… before you said you were “now” sure you liked girls, do you like boys as well or…?”

“Hm. I’d say I still like them, but right now I’m not as interested in them as I used to be in the past. I also have been kind of focused on that someone I told you about.” Seungwan finished nervously. It was strange, being able to confide in her unnie about her not so straight tendencies.

“Don’t think too much, you won’t solve anything unless you talk to Seulgi.” Joohyun said while stifling a yawn.

“Huh?” Seungwan was shocked about her unnie’s perceptiveness. It was eerie how easily she could read her. “I think I need to mull over the stuff I want to speak about to her first.”

“I understand. I just want to let you know that I’m always here if you need me.”

Joohyun caressed her cheek, making Wendy close her eyes and feel at ease for a few seconds.

“Thank you, unnie.”

Seulgi woke up slowly, still tired from the previous day’s schedule as she stretched up, mindful not to invade the other bed and disturb her roommate in case she was still sle