Sope
Description
Inspired by Evanescence 'Hello'.
Foreword
"Playground school bell rings again."
It has been four and a half years since our debut, Hyung. We are doing well. But then...so are you it seems.
We never imagined you would leave us like you did. One little mix tape and suddenly you were everywhere at once. Everyone wanted you. They wanted to produce you. To work with you. To make you more than what you were.
They did not make you who you are.
We had a comeback planned for Winter, but then you said you needed time and...time is all we have now it seems. You are still nowhere to be found. You won't even answer our calls. Hoseok hyung...he doesn't smile any more. I guess I can understand why.
You must not have heard about the accident. I refuse to think you would be so cruel as to simply not care. Bang PD-nim says you've gone to America. I doubt the news reaches there.
They say hyung may not ever dance again. We haven't told him he may never be able to walk...
"Rain clouds come to play again."
Are you happy where you are Yoongi-ah? Are you eating well and resting lots? Manager hyung says it snows a lot where you are. Are you dressing warmly? Hyung worries about his dongsaeng you know.
Hoseok-ah asked about you the other night. He still does not have a phone you see so...he doesn't know yet that you are refusing to answer our calls. It is really for the best that way...
What happened to his phone you ask? It was shattered when...
I'm sorry. I shouldn't burden you so with tears like this. It's just...
Namjoonah blames our recent misfortunes on his lacking leadership skills but...it is not he that is lacking. It is us. WE should have seen the signs that were before us and...we should have done everything in our power to make the downward spiral stop. We should have pulled you to the side that day and made you tell us what was wrong. We should have been there to help the two of you put the pieces back in place.
We worked too hard to get where we wanted to be, Yoongi-ah. We pushed through the thoughts of being homesick and told ourselves that the pain was worth it because one day soon we would be standing on a stage in front of thousands but...we forgot that at the end of everything...we are human...we feel. I wish you would see that it is okay to express those types of thoughts and feelings to others.
"Has no one told you she's not breathing?"
You always wanted to be a star, but you were never happy with the circumstances. I know that being so far away from home was daunting for you, and that people often made fun of you for the way you spoke but...it never really bothered me much. I guess it is because we sounded so alike, you and I. We were both so far away from anything we had ever known when we first came to Seoul. I remember being so scared when I first came because unlike the rest my place in our group was not confirmed. Your friendship is the only reason I stayed, Hyung. I tried to be a good dongsaeng and never let you down but, I see that I have failed. I'm so sorry...
I wish... I don't know what I wish any more. None of us do.
It hurts me to know that you never really trusted me. You never trusted any of us it seems. You never told us what you were thinking, or how you felt, or when you were hurting...or even that your health was slowly failing you. As your brothers, we would have banded together behind you. We would have absorbed some of the load to ensure your health returned. It's like you did not trust us to be there for you. You kept your secrets to yourself, and in the end, you are the only one to blame for the fact that you were so discontent...and for the fact that Hoseok hyung was hurt.
"Hello, I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to."
2016 was something else, wasn't it? That was really our year...the year all of our dreams finally came true. I should have known something bad would happen. 2017 has been hell. I don't even know where to begin. The day you walked away, maybe? I think perhaps that is what started it all.
17th March, 2017 as we were preparing for our holiday, management told us you just...walked away. Said that you had received some offers to work in other places and asked for time off. You didn't even tell us. You just...worked things out with management and...left your family behind. Of course we cried for you but...we felt betrayed. I think that was even the last time I saw Hoseok hyung smile. Most of all we could not believe you would do that to him. What wrong has he ever done to you?
Why didn't you have the guts to say it to our faces, hyung? Did you think that we would yell at you or...tell you no? Do you really not know us well enough to know that we would support you through anything you wanted to do? Were we not good enough for you?
He took it the hardest, obviously. Refused to leave his room for days, and when he finally did...
Hyung has not been able to catch a break it seems and all of us are at a wits end as to what to do to help him. There is no turning back and doing over but if their was, I would gladly take his pain for him. He does not deserve what fate has given him. He does not deserve the pain he must deal with on a daily basis.
I would love...to be able to support the decisions that you have made. We all would...but...we can't. We haven't spoken to you in weeks and it isn't from our lack of trying. It seems you've even gone and gotten a new phone. The number you have had for years only answers with a disconnected tone. I don't think I can forgive you for that. I don't think any of us can.
"Hello?"
Yoongi Hyung,
I'm not even sure why I write this letter to you. I doubt you will ever read it. Maybe...I'm just writing it for myself. One more thing to lock away. I am the best at that you know. But I never let it destroy who I was. Who my family was. I never let that tear us apart like you did. And they say I am the thoughtless one. Hmm.
I wonder what the world would think if they had the chance to see who we really are. To see us bleeding and broken as we have been so many times before. Would they still love us the same? Would they call us weak? Think of us as frauds? It burdens me that I cannot say. It burdens me to have to keep so many secrets from our fans. They have stuck by us for better, and for worse. They have been here through the worst. They have made us what we are today. Only the ups and downs of the last four years have made us who we are. Sometimes I wish that I could go back and change it all. But then I think...I wouldn't want to change the people we are today. That kind of makes wishing for things impossible. Wishes like that don't ever come true.
We passed each other in the hallway yesterday and you didn't even glance our way. Have you forgotten where you came from? I wanted to scream at you then, but Jiminie took my hand and looked me in the eye. I will not be as disgraceful as you. It is obvious now there is no honor left within you. I'm beginning to doubt that there was ever any in you at all. You didn't care for us. Any of us. Not even him. And he cared so deeply for you.
It pains me to think that we were just pawns in your little game. To wonder if you used us as stepping stones to fame, knowing that when you had enough power behind you, you could rocket away and leave us in the fallout. I wish I didn't have these thoughts, but with no sort of reassurance from you that I am wrong...
Come back to us, Hyung. Even just to tell us goodbye. To tell him goodbye. Bangtan Sonyeondan is over. We will never preform again. There will be no more fansigns, no more albums, no more awards shows...no more concerts. We are broken. Even if we could move on without you...Hoseok hyung will never be well. The stress alone...
I hate you, Min Yoongi. You were my brother and you left me. YOU left ME in this terrible fallout, not only to pick myself up off of the ground, but to clean up the toxic waste of the bomb that you let drop. Seokjin and Jimin are fine, because they lock their feelings in and see that the rest of us need help, but Jungguk is an angry force that no one can contain and Taehyung is so wrapped in hurt and betrayal that he doesn't even function at a human level. And don't you ever ask about Hoseok hyung. I hope it eats you alive that he was not in the hallway with us that day. I hope you noticed the red that rimmed our eyes from all of the tears that we have cried for our once shining ball of happiness and hope. I hope you are brought to your knees in anguish and in grief when you realize all that you have done. I hope you hate yourself for it. I hope you beg us for forgiveness. I hope we still have that kind of compassion within us.
"If I smile and don't believe..."
I put on a happy face for the public, but I am still very broken. In this time we have been given for me to heal, the others have started solo projects, and some of them are suffering for it. We suffer for the nightmare that you started. Jin landed a role in a drama he auditioned for, he finally gets to realize his original dream. Kookie released a solo album to rave reviews. Our baby brother is all grown up now it seems. Taehyung has been learning how to rap so he can help with Cypher 5 which he insists we will release but, he won't tell his hyung what it is about. Jiminah and Namjoon are busy as always working in the studio making arrangements of songs they swear we will release. I am excited to see what they create.
I hear you are doing good as well, where ever you are, and I am happy for you. I truly am. I'm just sorry...
I'm really okay Yoongi hyung. I get better every day and... I don't believe anything the doctors have to say. One day I will walk again and prove them all wrong. I am, after all, JHope. I am ARMYs hope...
There was a time when you were mine...
"Soon I know I'll wake from this dream."
Hoseok hyung is slowly getting better, and Namjoon hyung and I are altering our songs for comeback. This time around we will present our slower songs first; show our fans a softer side with more ballads and less dance. Junggukah and Taehyungie work day and night to create acoustic versions of our melodies so that our fearless, selfless ball of hope may join us on stage. We will melt the hearts of our followers once again, but this time with our voices and not our moves. Hopefully they will say we have matured. Hopefully we will get the same amount of recognition as we have before. Even I am working more on my singing than I am on my dances. I only hope I make our members proud. I know I am proud of the progress I have made, but I still feel I have a very long way to go to be where I need to be. I apologize for lacking...
Bangtan Sonyeondan survived after all, Yoongi-ssi. The three of us that remain unblemished together carry the weight of each other, and in Hoseokahs time of need, we will carry him to victory. BTS will see many more years of glory. It doesn't matter what we do, or how we do it, as long as we are together. We have seen too much with one another to ever drift apart. We have celebrated too much, and forgiven too much. We are family. Saranghae.
"Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken."
I try to smile and pretend that everything is okay again, but all I do is worry. I worry all the time.
"Hoseokah," our brothers will say. "Why are you so sad?"
I am not sad. I am scared. But I am working harder not to be. I am working to push away the horrid thoughts that plague my dreams. The painful memories that haunt me in my sleep. I try my best to never think of you...
I am working to remind myself that no matter how far apart our family is, we will never be alone. We will never abandon one another like you did me...
We will make sure everyone has the support and recognition they deserve.
I am learning in my heart that Jung Hoseok will have a place in this world, even when JHope does not. Bangtan Sonyeondan may grow old, and we may go our separate ways, but Hoseok will always have a talent of his own, and it seems that others will still pay to listen to it. That is a comforting thought. I do not know what I would do if I could no longer make music. I cannot now remember a time when I wanted to do anything else. This has been my life for almost eight years now. When you are as young as we, that long is a lifetime away.
I would not trade this life for all the world. It has brought me three amazing brothers whom I will never forget, and one I wish that I still knew.
"Hello?"
Hoseokah,
I apologized to you the other day. To all of you. Albeit it was not in person, it was still an apology, and it was broadcast for all the world to see. I especially apologized to you. I think that counts as a step in the right direction to try and correct all the wrong that I did to you... Don't you?
I guess it doesn't matter. You still seem to not care. None of you mention my name any more, and out of respect, I do not mention yours. I just...maybe it is better that way. All I did was bring you down, and steal your joy. I was a tsundere without a heart, and instead of offering you the security you so longed for, I almost pushed you to your death. I know exactly what happened that day. I remember every word you said, and how I so heartlessly cut you off and knocked you down. I didn't need anyone to tell me about the accident that had been because, even though you don't remember it, you were on the phone with me when you walked out in to oncoming traffic rushing to find your doom.
I called that day to apologize to you and to ask if it was too late to come back home. You told me that you really wished I wouldn't. Not right then at least. Not until the both of us had had time to think and to heal. We had hurt each other deeply. I begged you to talk to me, to tell me what the hell was going on but all you said to me was that the world had gone cold, and that you could not be a hope for anyone else, when you yourself were dying inside. I was terrified screaming for you to come to your senses and not to do anything stupid when I realized I had no idea where you were or even how to stop you.
"I love you, Yoongi-ah," you had said softly, and my heart ripped in two.
"Hobi..."
"Remember that day by the sea?" you had asked, your mind obviously a million miles away.
"I shouldn't have said those things," I whispered, afraid to break whatever spell that you were under.
"Did you mean them?" you asked, a slight hint of fear.
"Every word."
I should have asked you why you were crying but...I'm still not good at getting in touch with my emotions and...you paid the price for that I see. In the silence I thought that you were thinking and it was not until I heard the squeal of the tires, and a dull thud, and the line go dead that I realized something was terribly wrong.
I screamed in to the phone and my mind shut down and I couldn't think of what to do. I couldn't call anyone and let them know what had happened because I really didn't know and...I didn't have time for the million questions I knew that all of you would have...
"I'm the lie living for you so you can hide."
No one knows the truth behind the rumors of your departure. That is a secret we have all agreed to take with us to the grave. Let BigHit make that final call when the time is right, and we will allow us all to save face and look like the innocent victim until then. We have practiced these smiles for years. We've gotten flawless at wearing them through the pain. It is almost second nature now...but it is also obvious that all of us are to blame for all the things that went so very. terribly, wrong.
"Don't cry."
This will be the first album we have released as four. It's...a little overwhelming. Namjoonah was up all night sick with worry that our dream was finally coming to an end.
"What will happen if they fans do not receive us well?" he cried.
All we could do was assure him that they would, and that even if they did not, we were still one. Still family.
"Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping."
I am better now, hyung. We all are. And we have each inserted ourselves into the world as talented individuals capable of more than sophisticated dance moves and pretty faces. Now is the time to celebrate.
2019 ended with a bang. It was the kind of ending we have all dreamed of for so long now. Our fans still receive us well, and 2019 was a year filled with love. We once again came back bigger and better than ever. We were able to showcase new talents. Share a side of ourselves our fans had never met. And they loved us for it. They rewarded us with record album sales, a sold out tour, and special awards of recognition.
We may not be sleeping, but each of us are finally confident in living our dream. The dream of family and friends; success and recognition as more than some pretty boy band; the rewards of all those years of labor. It is hard to believe that I now have almost a decade of this business under my belt. Just last year, that was a feat I thought I would never see. never thought he would see. It makes all of us work just that little bit harder to see if he can make it to two.
"Hello, I'm still here."
My name is Jung Hoseok. The people who make my life possible call me JHope. My friends and family call me Hobi when we are happy, or Hoseokah when the day has turned sorrowful, or serious. I was born 18th February, 1994 in Gwangju, South Korea. I am 177cm tall, and on a good day I weigh in at 65kg. I have a mother, a father, three siblings by blood, and an extended family that is blessed in numbers. I wake up every day and perform to make my living, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I get to see the world, and meet new people, and everywhere I go, there is at least one person who knows who I am.
No matter how hard, or how long you ignore me, I will never go away. I'll still be right here, in the back of your mind, reminding you of all the ways you did us wrong. I'll be here to remind you how amazing your life could be, if only you had held out a few months longer. We might even be one big happy family still. But I guess I will never know. And you will never read these letters. I will pack them away in this box that I have prepared, and bury it in the garden. I will take my first steps towards a new life. I will show the world that Bangtan Sonyeondan and it's members continue to grow. I will help redefine what an idol is. And when all is said and done, I will be sure to mention your name in my long list of people to thank. I will even make you first, because had you not selfishly abandoned those who cared, I would not be where I am today.
"All that's left of yesterday."
My name is Jung Hoseok, and I would like to thank Min Yoongi, a man I once knew as Suga, someone I once fondly called hyung, for everything he has given me, and all that he has taught me. He helped to make me the man I am today, and I owe much of my success to the sacrifices that he made.
fin
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