Winter; Present

Friday nights are meant for getting wasted and partying like there's no tomorrow. But for a twenty eight year-old like you—who's starting to feel old to party but feeling too young to sleep at seven pm—Friday nights are spent talking to your best friend, re-thinking your life choices. You are in your apartment, still in your work clothes, drinking wine alone. A lot of people are jealous of you, you’re a trophy woman, has a good-paying job, living in an apartment in the heart of the city—which is too big for you to live alone—you basically look like a woman who got her together. But you know you aren't. Despite your warm smile and the strong facade, you know you're breaking inside, everyday.

Only few people know how broken you feel inside. One of which is your best friend who is always trying to cheer you up. That's why here you are, alone in your couch with her, over the phone, convincing you to go your high school class' get-together. You hated it. You hated that your best friend is forcing you to go to something you wouldn't want to be in when she exactly knows what's scaring you.

High school get-togethers are meant for meeting old friends, bumping into frenemies and reviving old flames. Your heart sank just by thinking about it. It's your biggest nightmare, the moment you know that will happen but prayed to never happen—seeing Youngjae again.

 

 

Summer; six years ago

The sky is clear and sun shining brightly. It was the perfect weather with the perfect sunlight and the wind breezing coolly. You're on the last row of the bus to Lotte World with Youngjae's fingers intertwined with yours resting on his knee. You are sitting beside the window, eyes fixed on the road, your thoughts wandering in the air. Every now and then, Youngjae will tighten his grip on your hand and smile at you with those otter-like smile and you swear to God your heart melts every time. He was excited, you can tell just by looking at his smile or simply with his touch on your hand. When you found out he bought tickets to Lotte World, you know exactly why he chose it for your fifth year anniversary. You knew that it’s to pay homage to your first-year anniversary which you celebrated at Lotte World too that didn't end up well because he chickened out in every thrilling ride you thought of so you ended up riding the carousel twice just to make the most out of the day.

Youngjae hated that you found out about his surprise two weeks before, but you can’t help but figure it all out when you've been together for five years. You know him since he was the seventeen-year-old boy who's too afraid to ride the rollercoaster and you know him when he's twenty-year-old fresh from college dude that would be willing to ride the rollercoaster as long as you're holding his hand. You practically know even the way he breathes. No secrets can be kept between the two of you.

His tight grip on your hand and the warm smile he's giving you breaks your heart. You hated how much he looks happy and how much he looked forward to this day. You hated how much you wanted to end everything now.

 

 

Winter

You're on your car stuck on traffic while some sad indie song is playing in the radio, somehow describing how you are feeling right now. Your best friend finally convinced you to come to the get-together, promising you that she has checked the guest list thrice—and she's even willing to check it once more just for you to agree—and she’s sure that Youngjae's name isn't on the list. Besides, you know he should be in New York now for work; he has been for the past three years. You've heard he's taking work seriously and there's no way he's traveling back home just for some stupid high school get together.

You still didn't want to come, though, but your best friend went on a long speech about how high school isn't just about you and Youngjae and that there are tons of people who made it fun for you too. She is right, you thought. As much as Youngjae is a huge part of your high school life, you can't doubt that high school isn't just about him but Youngjae is definitely more than just high school. You graduated high school together, battled and graduated college hand in hand with dreams of facing the real world together too. But it was left as just a dream.

You tighten you grip at the steering wheel, bending down your head a bit while the lights are red, as the memories flood your mind. There's not a day that you didn't drown yourself in endless what ifs and could have beens. What if Youngjae was with you when you got your first pay check? You could have treated him for dinner and went broke the next day because he’ll pick some expensive restaurant just to make fun of you. What if he was with you when you lost your dog Tsum? He could have held you in his arms until you're done bawling your eyes out. What if he found out you secretly got a tattoo? He could have scolded you and you probably fought about it but he would end up calling the same night saying it was beautiful, you are beautiful. What if you two are still together? You could have went to this get-together with each other, arm-in-arm, while all your high school friends look at you in envy, making them all have faith in love because you two are a representation of love that could have last. What if...what if you didn't break his heart?

You looked up as the stop turned go, the bright green light making you squint as tears fall silently on you cheeks. Your heart breaks as you step on the gas. There's not a day in the past six years that you didn't remember him, that you didn't cry remembering his smile; that your heart didn't break remembering how tears fell down his cheeks when you told him you don't love him anymore.

 

 

Summer

You wanted to go home and just end your misery. But you saw Youngjae’s smile and his eyes full of hope. Your heart sank. You hated yourself for wanting to it. His smile is just too precious for you to take away so you decided to just wing it and make this your happiest day, even if it's going to be your last day together. You wanted it to count, to make it special. Like some sort of a parting gift for the both of you. The calm before the storm.

You held Youngjae’s hand, tight as if not wanting him to go away, as you enter the theme park. He looks at you as you enter. His eyes full of wonder as to why you're suddenly being aggressive when he's actually the clingy type between the two of you. But instead of asking you, he gave you a warm smile before holding your hand as tight as he could, never letting you go. You almost cried.

As promised, you lined up for the rollercoaster. Youngjae’s hands are sweating in yours because nervousness. For the first time that day, he was quiet and it worried you. You let go of his hand quickly just to wrap your arms around his waist and held him close. You asked him if he's sure about riding it to which he answered with a trying-to-be-brave kind of smile which you found cute. Very Youngjae, you thought. You let go of the embrace then took his hand, enveloping it between your two hands tightly, promising not to let it go. You almost scoffed thinking how hypocrite you are when you know that, at the end of the day, you're gonna let his hand go—forever.

 

 

Winter

You arrived at the restaurant for the get-together with a heavy heart. You looked at your rearview mirror to check if your eyes swollen—you’re lucky they aren’t—and wiped it a bit. You slap your cheeks slightly to wake up from the daydream and took a deep breath before getting off your car. As soon as you enter, your best friend rushed to you and wrapped you in a warm embrace, whispering you a thank you for coming tonight. You found yourself wandering around the room looking for Youngjae. You're relieved he wasn't here, but you also felt guilty thinking that he wasn't there because of you.

Your best friend pulled you away from your thoughts as she drags you to where your friends are sitting. You felt unexpectedly warm seeing familiar faces and hearing familiar voices. Many years have passed and a lot of changes have happened but in the end, you're still the same dorky bunch who laughs at the corniest jokes.

Your breakup isn't a secret to the group. You actually kept good communication after graduation—the first couple of years after graduation, at least—so it was a shock to everyone when the news first break out. You wanted to keep it a secret but it wasn't easy, especially when half of your friends are also Youngjae's friends. There are still some, though, who are blunt enough to ask you tonight about Youngjae. You tried to brushed it away, you've dealt with it so much in the past you're practically immune to it. It’s different tonight, though. There's something about tonight that tugs your heart harder than usual.

So when another person came to you asking about Youngjae again, you politely excused yourself to the comfort room. In the comfort room, where you didn't really have any business to do, you stared at your reflection in the mirror. You noticed how pale you look and how your cheeks are almost shallow. You have drowned yourself in too much work that you sometimes forget to eat your meals properly. You noticed how dark your eye circles are from having little to no sleep at all every night. You noticed how dark and soulless your eyes look because you are not happy. You haven't been for so long now. Looking at your pitiful self at the mirror, you only hope Youngjae isn't miserable like you, you genuinely hope he's happy.

You were walking back to your table when you saw a familiar smile shining in the group. You felt your whole body went numb, you felt dizzy, nauseous, you feel like throwing up. Because you know exactly whose smile that is. You wanted to escape; you wanted the ground to just swallow you; you wanted to run away.

But before you could think of what to do, Youngjae is already walking towards your direction, towards you. You felt a couple of heads turn to where you are as he walks, one of them is your best friend, looking worried but not knowing what to do. The world suddenly went blur with nothing but you and Youngjae. The same otter-like smile is flashed across his face; he looks carefree, happy. You panicked. You don't know what to say or what to even do when he reach you. Should you act as if nothing happened? Or should you say sorry? Does he still feel heartbroken like you do? What if he's angry? What if he hates you?

You are certain he hates you because as you stood frozen to where you are, he just passed by you, not even batting an eyelash. The pieces of your broken heart grind into ashes and flew in the air; leaving you with nothing.

You have always wanted to turn back time but only this time, at this exact moment that he walks past you as if you're not visible, this is the only time you felt like trading your soul to the devil to turn back time—to turn back time and tell him how much you love him instead of lying and saying that you don't.

 

 

Summer

The bright sky turned into gray in an instant. It was as if the sky is crying as two hearts break. You told yourself to at least end this day nice and just end things tomorrow. But every minute you spent with Youngjae, every time he flash his smile, everytime he hold you close to him—it felt like daggers in your heart. You felt like you’re cheating on him. You felt guilty to see him happy when you are bound to break his heart. You are being unfair.

“I don’t love you anymore.”

The words escaped your mouth like nothing but mere words—dry and meaningless. But for Youngjae, it meant his world. You saw his world slowly crumble in his dark eyes as tears well his eyes. Your heart felt tight looking at him, like someone is squeezing the life out of you heart. You looked away trying to fight tears.

It didn’t take long before the tears fell down his cheeks. You were inside a restaurant around the area, having dinner after a long, tiring day at the park. You thank the heavens Youngjae chose to sit in a table in the restaurant’s corner where you two are barely visible from the other customers. Youngjae hated letting others see when he’s at his weakest, especially when he is in tears. In at that moment as he looks at you dead in the eye, tears slowly escaping his eyes, flowing down his cheek, all you want is to wrap your arms around him and protect him from the scrutinizing eyes of strangers. But you have to be strong. You can’t back out now.

His eyes, which used to shine in happiness, was glistening with tears. What used to be eyes so bright you almost went blind looked like a starless night. It breaks you heart in a million pieces more than he can imagine, you want to take it all back—all the bull you just said—and bring back the stars in his eyes. But you can’t and you shouldn’t. Words have been said, the damage has been done.

In an instant, what could have been the happiest day of your lives became the saddest.

 

 

It’s less than a week before you fifth year anniversary, you were excited about everything Youngjae had planned for that day, when you got a call from his mom inviting you for lunch. Youngjae’s mom adored you; she has always been kind and sweet to you, almost treating you like her own daughter. So you didn’t really take it the wrong way when she invited you for lunch without Youngjae’s knowledge.

You never felt so wrong in your life. Across the table, Youngjae’s mom reached for your trembling hand. Her eyes mirroring your sorrow as she asked you one more time—as if the first time isn’t shattering enough—to break things off with Youngjae. For the first time since you met her, you wanted to scream at her, forget that she’s older, forget that she is Youngjae’s mother.

Youngjae’s mother. That’s who she is and that’s exactly why she did it. Youngjae got a promising offer to work and continue his masters abroad. Youngjae and you have discussed, countless of times actually and everytime, you insisted him to go and get it. It was a great and rare opportunity, a step closer to his dreams and you know just how important his dreams are for him. But everytime you convince him, he tells you otherwise. He tells you that no other opportunity is as big or as important as you. You are his life, his world, his dream. You felt selfish but it felt so good and, truth it, you can’t live without him either. That opportunity will require him to live in New York for at least three years and somehow, being miles apart for three years is something neither of you can afford. So you listened to him when he told you it was okay. You hugged him back when he comforted you with a hug, assuring you that he’s sure another offer will come, maybe not as grand but just what the both of you needed to be together.

Youngjae’s mom was right, though. Youngjae should go and take that once in a lifetime opportunity. That’s the best for him and for you, in the future, at least. And you knew that. Deep down inside of you, that’s a reality that you and Youngjae have been running away for so long. You have to face it and it has to be now.

Youngjae is stubborn. You know you can’t just tell him to go; that it’s the best decision, and expect him to easily agree. He will never leave you. Never.

So you had to let him go. Push him away.

 

 

Winter

You’re dumbfounded. Youngjae has forgotten you. You’re sure he did, he didn’t even looked at you. He just walked past by you like you’re not there.

You were frozen in your place for a little more before you best friend grabbed you by the arm and took you out, away from the stares of everyone. She apologized and told you she was sure Youngjae didn’t sent an RSVP. You scoffed at it. You didn’t sent yours either but you’re here. You excused yourself from the group, not caring anymore. You need to go and they’ll understand. It was so dramatic, you hated it thinking about it now. You are determined to leave the place and go straight home to indulge the pain in your cold empty room but instead of going to your car, you detoured and walked around a little park just beside the restaurant. You were walking with slow, little steps. The cold breeze brushing in your skin felt nothing to your frozen heart.

It hurts when someone you hold dear to your heart suddenly acts like you doesn’t even exist. You can’t blame Youngjae, though. He was the most precious person you ever knew—he is kind, warm, sincere—and you broke his heart. Destroyed him, even.

You wrapped your arms around yourself and that is when you realized that you left you cardigan at restaurant. You didn’t bother going back to get it though, you’re sure your best friend will keep it for you.

You found a bench not too far from the restaurant and sat there. You look up at the dark, starless sky and your heart ached even more as it reminds you of Youngjae’s eyes that day. You suddenly felt like crying. Everything is just so heavy for you right now, crying will probably be your only resolution. You wrapped your arms around tighter, not because you’re cold but because you needed someone to held you, to keep you intact when all you want is to break down.

“Hey.”

Your heart skipped a beat when you heard someone speak. The voice, it’s loud but soft at the same time, like someone sweet is talking; like someone is talking with caution, afraid to break something so fragile. The voice sounds like a melody; a melody that your heart knows. A melody that despite changing a bit, your heart still remembers—every single note of it. It’s a voice that used to put you to sleep at night, the only voice you look forward to hearing at the phone, the voice that used to tell you I love you, the voice you have always long for.

Your heart sank when you looked up to the person and everything was confirmed. It’s Youngjae. He greeted you with a warm smile that drives you insane. How can he smile like that when just a moment ago, you were invisible to him? How can he still smile like that when you broke his heart?

“You left this inside.” He said giving you the cream cardigan you left. Your trembling hands reached for it voluntarily but your eyes are fixed at his glistening eyes with a mix of shame and question.

His warm smile somehow turned sympathetic just before he invited himself to sit beside you. Silence enveloped the two of you. You can’t believe he’s here, right beside you. All these years you wished to see Youngjae, to hold him, kiss him but now that he’s here beside you in flesh, he felt surreal. It’s been so long that he felt like a part of dream, a very long dream. But this isn’t a dream. It’s not a dream because you feel his body beside you, warm despite the cold night. He was fidgeting, his thumb playing with the stitches of his pants just like how he used to. He was quick to stop it, however, like he’s trying to end the habit.

“I-I’m sorry.” The words felt like doors opening in your chest. Like a dam was opened and all the locked up emotions flushed away. You started crying almost uncontrollably. Youngjae turned to you worried before taking your arms. His thumb massaging your shoulders exactly how he used to calm you down in the past and it just made you cry even more.

“Hey,” Youngjae whispered softly. He took a deep breath before continuing. “It’s okay.”

You know he was trying to assure you; the sincerity in his voice is evident. It’s okay. The words echoed in your head. Youngjae never lie and it hurts you even more.

Youngjae waited for you to calm down before releasing you and letting you get back to your senses.

“I’m sorry.” You repeated, not knowing what to say.

"It's okay." Youngjae repeated. "Well, it wasn't completely okay at first." He said chuckling, even his chuckle sounds like an orchestra. "It hurt so much, you know? I was devastated. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I can't even breathe sometimes. You were my world, you know? And it felt like my whole crashed to the ground, left with nothing but pain. I never believed you. Never." He paused, a smile flashed across his face. It was painful just by looking at him and you know pain was behind it too. There is something in Youngjae's voice, though. It doesn't feel like a lump on the throat waiting to get out. It doesn't feel like a burden he wanted to let go of. It sounded content, simple, like the words he is saying are nothing else but truth, facts. It's as if it has been long since he has accepted it. His voice sounds like he has moved on.

"You can never do that to me. You loved me. We loved each other." For once, there was an ounce of sorrow in his voice, but it sounded more like a bittersweet memory. "I understand. I understand why you did it. I talked to my Mom and she didn't even deny it." He faked a scoff. "I was angry. I screamed at her. Can you believe I screamed at my mom?" he asked chuckling. You lazily shook your head. Youngjae is a Mama's boy and you felt bad knowing they fought because of you.

"We didn't talk for almost a year." Youngjae admitted. "I was miserable. All our friends are telling me how miserable I was and that I shouldn't be like that. I should work hard. For me. For us." He hesitated a bit before continuing. "So I did. I worked hard. I took everything as a motivation to work harder. That when I graduate, I can come back and win you back.”

“I did graduate with flying colors, by the way.” Youngjae said with pride and you can’t help but smile. When you first heard about it from your friends, your first thought was to call him but you stopped yourself thinking that hearing your voice will spoil his mood.

“You know what I first did when I came back from New York? I looked for you.” He continued not even waiting for you to answer. “Eveywhere. But you’re not here. I heard you were out of the country or something.” Regret flowed all over your body. You shouldn’t have taken that job at Singapore, which you didn’t like, by the way. “I got so obsessed with finding you that I almost booked a flight to Singapore but my brother got sick and I couldn’t leave.”

“It’s crazy.” He said shaking his head. “It’s like destiny is pulling us away from each other.”

There was, again, silence.

If it’s meant to be, it will be.

The thought floats across your messed up mind. You find it hard to accept but maybe, you weren’t really meant to get back together after all. You turned to him, a soft smile escaping your face, which he answered back with a gentle smile.

A thought strike you. What if this is it? The second chance you have always wanted but have always been afraid to face? This could be your chance to make all things right. This could be your chance to show him how much Youngjae means to you, how much you really love him. Maybe, destiny is just a little bit late. Maybe destiny wanted for the both of you to learn a lesson first. Maybe destiny was just testing if your love was enough. Maybe this moment right here is destiny telling you that you are meant to be, after all.

“I missed you.” The words felt like a bird being freed from a cage in your chest.

Or maybe seeing each other after six dreadful long years is destiny’s way of telling you that you should stop. It’s time for you to stop waiting for something that will never happen. Maybe this is the world’s way of telling you it’s about time to let yourself go.

“I missed you too.”

Tears fall down your cheeks once more as Youngjae reach for hand, his left hand warm on yours. It’s time for you to move on. You thought to yourself as you look down your hands and your eyes caught something that made your heart stop beating—a golden jewelry on his fourth finger.