Jongin's fingers feel like they're going to fall off by the time he's pressing the button of the doorbell before him. There's a pause as he waits, pulling his finger away and shuffling from foot to foot. It takes a while, and Jongin's seconds away from texting his brother, but the door eventually opens to reveal Baekhyun in all his barefooted, messy hair, and sleepy-eyed glory.

"Jongin," Baekhyun says, his voice has a whine to it and it's rougher than usual. He clears his throat and gives a sleepy smile, before speaking again. "What are you doing here."

"Is Hyung here," Jongin asks. Baekhyun's eyebrows draw together and he squints at Jongin, head tilted in question.

"He's at work," Baekhyun answers. "He should be back soon... I think," he shrugs as his grin brightens. "Not really sure, I kind of lost track of the time." He takes a step back to let Jongin in, and Jongin follows after him, toeing his shoes off and kicking them to the side.

"Is Chanyeol here," Jongin asks next. The apartment is unusually silent for a place that houses the three loudest people from his neighborhood. It's weird.

"Nope," Baekhyun answers, with a grin. "He's working on some project or something. Why are you coming all the way to Seoul to see Jongdae?"

"I can't come visit my only brother," Jongin asks evasively as he takes a seat on the leather sofa the older boys had gotten second-hand from a neighbor in their neighborhood.

Baekhyun doesn't seem bothered by Jongin's evasive behavior and just continues smiling as he plops down beside him. "Did you get lost, Jongin?"

"No," Jongin answers, shuffling away from him as Baekhyun's smaller frame tries to take up as much of the sofa as possible.

"You're a horrible liar," Baekhyun teases. "You should visit more often. Are you coming to our school next year? We could make space for you, I'm sure Jongdae wouldn't mind sharing his room."

"Hyung and I have never shared a room," Jongin says.

"Yeah, we all know how spoiled the Kim brothers are," Baekhyun retorts. Jongin frowns at him but grows silent, Baekhyun's toes are pressed into his thigh and he's started flipping through the television channels, teeth biting on his bottom lip.

"What if I don't want to go to this school or any school," Jongin asks.

Baekhyun's eyes flicker to him and he places the remote down and shrugs a little, "Then don't go, at least not right away. Sunyoung's on a gap year and is off in New Zealand right now. "

"What if I disappoint everyone," Jongin murmurs, looking down at his hands.

"Who," Baekhyun asks, "Your parents? Jongdae? I don't think they'd be disappointed Jongin, worried, maybe. I don't think there's much you could to do to upset them. Honestly, our whole neighborhood adores you." Baekhyun adds the very last part with an accusatory tone as if Jongin personally campaigned to make every middle-aged adult in their neighborhood like him more than Baekhyun.

"I–," Jongin begins but pauses. "What if I...," he trails off again, unsure of what he's trying to say.

He looks at Baekhyun in his baggy t-shirt, with his hair now a pale shade of pink and a bird's nest, and flushes warm underneath the gaze that meets his own. Byun Baekhyun was pretty in middle school even with his short bowl cut, and Jongin used to follow him around like he'd held the answers to the universe despite only ever speaking nonsense. He was pretty in high school with his slightly longer professionally cut hair that he'd dyed a deep chestnut brown and wore as if he hadn't hidden at Jongin's house when his mother threatened to shave it all off. He was pretty even when he'd hit on older girls obnoxiously and whined loudly in people's ears just to get what he wanted.

He's pretty now with his messy hair and his hard stare, and the calm he radiates, and it just clicks. Jongin stomach twists uncomfortably and he looks away. There's a girl on the television and she's crying, her face is scrunched up and her knees are drawn to her chest and a song about lost love plays in the background.

"I like someone," he whispers, ashamed and nervous. It was different with Soojung, but now he wonders if she's ever told anyone besides him. "I don't think they'd approve."

"I'd like to meet the person your mother wouldn't approve of," Baekhyun teases. Jongin's mother has complimented every hair color Baekhyun's dyed his hair to, and every one of Chanyeol's tattoos. She's a liberal in the best of times and just extremely forgiving in the worst. Jongin knows she wouldn't kick him out, that she wouldn't hurt him, but he's worried about hurting her. What if she cries? What if she looks at him differently? What if she couldn't stand the sight of him?

"If I know anything about your family Nini, they'd just want you to be happy. Does this person make you happy?" Jongin nods. "Then be happy with them."

"Even if," Jongin begins but pauses and shakes his head.

"Is this person a criminal? Have they ever harmed anyone?"

"What," Jongin exclaims. "No, of course not."

"Then nothing about them would ever make me hate you or feel disappointed," Baekhyun states. "You're not even my little brother so if I feel this way Jongdae feels exactly the same." Jongin's bottom lip hurts from how hard he's biting into it, and his eyes burn hot as he tries to stop the tears threatening to fall. It's futile, and Jongin let's a small whimper as the tears begin to fall. Baekhyun shuffles closer at the sound, ruffling his hair affectionately, even though Jongin refuses to look up.

"Funny thing about your brother," Baekhyun says, tone as calming as ever even if he hasn't removed his hand from Jongin's hair. "He loves you so much and saw how upset you've been recently that he was ready to go to your neighbor's just to ask Sehun what was going on." Jongin tenses at mention of his friend, and if Baekhyun notices he does nothing to show it and just continues speaking. "I had to remind him that you're a big boy now and more than capable of fighting your own battles."

Jongdae comes home an hour later, Baekhyun's still on the sofa, but Chanyeol's sitting beside him now, and Jongin's on the floor, eating the fried chicken Baekhyun had ordered for them.

"Jongdae, my little brother is spending the night," Baekhyun announces as Jongin tears his eyes away from the marvel movie they're watching to look at his actual brother. He watches Chanyeol nudge Baekhyun out of the corner of his eye to get him to be quiet.

"Your little brother," Jongdae asks, raising an eyebrow.

"I adopted him," Baekhyun says, nodding his head. "He's mine, now."

"Whatever," Jongdae replies, taking a seat beside Jongin and pushing into him as he reaches for a can of beer. "Did you gluttons at least save me some chicken?" Jongin grins as he gestures to one of the containers on the small table.

******

After speaking to both Baekhyun and Soojung, Jongin makes a plan to finally confront Sehun and right the last wrong in his life. That plan fizzles away nearly a week and a half later after Jongin realizes that it's still impossible to get into contact with Sehun. It's an exaggeration, Jongin could just ring his neighbor's doorbell, but forcing his way into Sehun's house doesn't seem like the appropriate move.

School does get easier with Soojung and Jinri talking to him again. Soojung's the only person that has spoken with Sehun since the new year, and even then, it had apparently been brief. "He seems sad," she tells him, one afternoon when Jongin's lounging on her living room floor trying not to be upset over another failed attempt at confronting Sehun.

Today, Jongin is sitting on the steps of the back corridor's stairwell. It's lunch and Jongin can't quite find it in himself to go to the cafeteria or meet up with the girls. He's sketching, pencil scratching softly on paper, fingers working with little prompt on an image he's only got a vague idea of. It's peaceful and distracting.

There's an R&B song humming in his ears to block out the noises around him, so he doesn't hear the steps at first. He only feels a presence when it's too late and Jongin looks up ready to shuffle even closer to the railings to get out of the way, only to meet eyes with Sehun.

It's unexpected and Jongin can't help but let his mouth gape wide in silent surprise. Sehun shuffles in his step, Jongin notices he's looking over Jongin's head, and all he can think is that he can't let Sehun getaway, so he says the first thing he can think of.

"Hi," he mutters, dropping his gaze feeling a flush of blood threatening to warm his face. He tugs at his ear and then places the pencil behind it as he chances another glance at the friend he hasn't talked to in over a month.

"Hi," Sehun mutters, voice low. He's still not looking at Jongin and a silence creeps up on them, awkward and stifling.

"Do you celebrate Christmas," Jongin asks suddenly. It gets Sehun's eyes on him, thick eyebrows furrowed together in confusion, and lips slightly parted as if he's going to say something. "Do you," Jongin presses. "It's weird that I never thought to ask before..." he trails off, trying not to grimace.

"Not really," Sehun says, shrugging. "My parents give me gifts, but we never really made a big thing of it."

"We celebrated it when I was younger," Jongin says. "but we just kind of stopped. Jongdae celebrates it now with his friends. They had this tiny little tree on their coffee table, and they exchanged presents and we drank hot chocolate and it was nice. I think I might like to do that one day."

"Celebrate Christmas with your friends," Sehun clarifies and Jongin nods.

"We could add it to the Halloween movie night," Jongin suggests. "You missed the neighborhood New Year's celebration."

"Soojung told me a little about it," Sehun says, he looks hesitant for a moment but takes a seat beside Jongin. "How is it?"

"Did she tell you how the neighborhood aunties always compete to have the best food? Sooyeon used to sneak out alcohol, and Chanyeol and Baekhyun would sneak out trays of food when the grown-ups were too drunk to notice, and we'd head to someone's house and watch the end of the year ceremonies. This year . It was only Soojung and I and she managed to snag a bottle of Makgeolli, have you tried it before?"

"Yeah," Sehun answers, and when Jongin looks over he can't help the grin that lights up his face. Sehun's got a hint of a smile on his lips, and Jongin feels accomplished. He's made progress.

"I hate it," Jongin says going back to the topic at hand and grimacing in the process as he remembers the taste of the drink. "I don't think I can drink alcohol." Sehun laughs, it's soft and short but Jongin grin returns and is even brighter at the sound.

"Thank you," Jongin says, looking down at his notebook. "For the present. You've single-handedly saved all my homework."

"You're welcome," Sehun says, his smile still there. Jongin wants to say more, to just continue talking about anything that comes to his mind, even if it's nonsense, but just as he opens his mouth to speak the bell rings and he can't help but frown. The sounds of steps grow loud, threatening to disrupt them and both boys stand up.

"I've... actually been craving hot chocolate lately... do you want to come?" Jongin can't meet Sehun's eyes as he waits for an answer the steps are even louder and he worries that Sehun will run off as soon as the crowds appear.

"Okay," is muttered and Jongin can't help the large smile that graces his features as he looks up at Sehun.

"Great, I'll see you after school."

Jongin's grateful that he's seated in the back of his class, far from the teacher's view and the last thing on everyone's mind. It grants him the chance to text Soojung and Jinri incessantly until the very last moment, annoying them so much that they end up agreeing to join them.

They meet up outside, Jinri and him are first to meet, and although there are tons of students still around, she loops her arms around his waist and grins up to him, eyes turning into pretty crescents and pink gums peeking from behind her lips. "I'm happy you're doing this," she tells him, holding onto him even if he tries to frown down at her and push her away. He doesn't try too hard. A second body joins her, slender arms wrap around him from behind, and Jongin can't help the sudden surprised laugh that leaves his lips.

"Why are we hugging Jonginnie," Soojung asks, her head laying on his shoulder. He spots Sehun behind her as he tries to face her.

"Because he's cuddly," Jinri says laughing and pulling away, Soojung following suit. "Let's go get some hot chocolate."

The girls walk ahead of them, holding hands and talking amongst themselves. It still feels weird to look at them and know that they are in love. Not because they're two girls but because they're Jongin's best friends and as silly as it sounds it feels like they've embarked on a journey without him. They're in love and with each other, and Jongin is still working up the nerve to confess.

He looks over to Sehun at that thought. There's a distance between them, a gap that could be filled with another body, and every time he glances at Sehun, Sehun's watching the girls and Jongin can't help but look away and back towards the girls as well.

"I was jealous of you," Sehun says suddenly.

"What," Jongin asks, eyebrows shooting up towards his hairline as he turns towards Sehun. Sehun looks at him for a moment a bitter twist to his lips.

"I still am, a little," Sehun adds. "You have such good friends."

"They're your friends too," Jongin reminds him.

"Yeah, but you've known them longer, you've had them longer, and I, I wish I had something like that. Someone like that."

Jongin bites down on his bottom lip at that admission. "Can't I... can't I be that person for you? Maybe not now, but in the future could you look at me in that way?"

"What does that mean," Sehun asks quietly.

"I want to be someone you can rely on," Jongin says growing a bit bolder by the second. "Someone you can tell all your secrets to without worrying about being judged. That's what Jinri and Soojung are to me. Even when we fight and stop talking, if something happens, I can still go to them. I want to be a person like that to you. Someone you can come to about anything. Someone whose window, you throw erasers at in the early morning even if we haven't talked for a while."

Things get better even though they don't go back to the way it was before. Sehun meets him outside and they walk to school and home together, but there's always enough space for another person in between them. He never visits Jongin's house anymore, but they go out to places, just the two of them and it's nice, but it's hard for Jongin. There's a barrier that wasn't there before, a wall he has to climb and Jongin just doesn't understand how.

His plans to confess are put on hold, and even though a part of him tells him he shouldn't, he decides to hold off bringing up the night that started all of this. He convinces himself that Sehun's admission means that he needs a friend he can rely on and trust more than anything else.

RIP Choi Jinri you will always be loved. My heart hurted after I first heard the news. I could barely look at pictures of her or see her name without feeling so sad and wanting to cry. I'm better and I'm ready to continue this story and spread a little kindness and happiness along the way. If anyone's reading this and needs to talk, you can PM me. I can't promise much but I will always lend a listening ear and I always try to check my notifications. A new decade is approaching so I hope all of you will be happy and healthy not just next year but for the next ten years (and forever).