(…I want to talk to you; I want to be with you…)

 

“Hyunseok hyung,” the man moved his eyes and stared at his best friend, “are you ok?”

Hyunseok blinked. He could see Donghyun’s lips forming words but he couldn’t hear them. He couldn’t find any meaning behind words anymore.

Nothing mattered.

“Hyung,” Donghyun insisted and shook his shoulder; “you’re scaring me.”

Hyunseok blinked some more but he nodded, “I’m fine.”

“I’m here to take you out,” the younger man informed and tossed Hyunseok some clothes from inside his closet. “Get dressed. Hyeonjin is waiting for us.”

Hyunseok shook his head and curled into a small ball “I don’t want to go anywhere.”

“You’re in here since last night. You haven’t eaten anything and you are pale. You make us all worry.” Donghyun tried to make his voice sound concerned. He didn’t want to sound strict and demanding because he knew that this would piss Hyunseok off.

“Donghyun ah, just go. I want to stay alone.” the words came out like a whisper. He was tired and devastated.

The other man sighed but gave up. He tidied Hyunseok’s clothes back to his closet and left the room quietly.

 

Hyunseok was alone again. Laying in silence, wondering where the love had gone… thinking about all the beautiful and strong feelings inside his now broken heart.

He closed his heavy eyes and the brightest smile appeared on his face.  Haewon was there, smiling at him like he used to do all the time in the past. Hyunseok fell in love with him because of his smile. Bright, honest, reassuring! He was sure that with Haewon by his side, life couldn’t get any better.

He loved him with all his heart even though he wasn’t sure about Haewon’s feelings but he didn’t care. He just let himself fly up to the sky. He let Haewon take him high. It was so perfect. He felt like nothing could bring him back down.

He was holding onto Haewon tightly and he felt safe and peaceful. Back then life had a meaning. Back then he had Haewon.

Hyunseok opened his eyes and faced the coldness of his room. He searched for Haewon’s smile with panicking eyes but he was nowhere around. And that was the moment he realized that he was falling.

He was falling and he was about to get crushed.

“Haewon,” Hyunseok screamed “Haewon I need you!”

His tears were falling from his eyes without control. Hyunseok didn’t have the power to control them anyway.

 

(…I want you to sleep in my arms, like back then when we were happy…)

 

“He won’t call you. Hyung, I don’t even know why you’re still staring at your phone!”

“How do you know?” Hyunseok grabbed his phone and held it tightly. For a moment, he wished that instead of this cold device, he could hold Haewon’s warm hand; the hand that used to fit perfectly inside his own hand. He wanted to hold on to it and never let go again.

“It’s been three days already and he haven’t called. What makes you think that he will call now?”

 

Hyunseok glanced at Donghyun. Maybe his friend was right. Haewon was not going to call. He didn’t care anymore. Haewon wasn’t his anymore.

 

“I just hope that he will.”

 

Donghyun sighed and sat next to Hyunseok. He put his arm around the young man’s shoulders and hugged him tightly. He was glad that at least his hyung cooperated and ate. He was worried that Hyunseok will get sick. He wasn’t going to allow that.

 

“I am sorry if I am being too harsh on you. I am just worried.”

“Why are you worried?” the other allowed himself being embraced and comforted, “I am fine!”

“You’re a mess, hyung. Haewon did this to you and it kills me. I can’t see you like that!”

“It will be fine,” Hyunseok insisted, “when Haewon calls me, it will be fine!”

 

Hyunseok had no idea why he had this feeling. He had no idea why he couldn’t let go. He wanted to do it. He wanted to be free from all the pain in his heart but something was preventing him. Haewon was his everything. He couldn’t get free from his everything. He would lose himself.

 

“I know it’s difficult for you to get him over but you don’t even try hyung! You’re harming yourself.”

“I can’t damage myself more.” Hyunseok bitterly laughed.

 

--- “I don’t understand!” Hyunseok hopelessly screamed, “Why are you doing this?”

Haewon turned his head away from the broken man, he couldn’t bare looking at him.

“Answer me, please! Please Haewon!”

His voice was trembling, he was near tears, if not, he was crying. Haewon couldn’t know for sure. He couldn’t look at him.

“I already told you. I’m bored of you already! Just leave already, you’re annoying me.”

Hyunseok held his breath. Those words were like a knife stabbing his heart.

“Is this the truth? Tell me, is it?” he tried again.

 

He wanted to raise his hand and touch Haewon. He wanted to close the distance between them but he was too afraid to do it. He was afraid that the touch will burn him. He wouldn’t risk it.

 

“Yes, it is! Why would I lie to you? Get over it.”

“Look at me.”

Haewon froze. No he couldn’t look at Hyunseok. He couldn’t do it.

“I said look at me!” Hyunseok’s voice sounded from behind him. Closer than where he sounded earlier.

Haewon panicked.

“I don’t even want to do that! You’re pathetic Hyunseok! Why are you still trying? There is no hope for you!”

“Say that to my face,” he screamed, “Look at me and repeat the words! Can you?”

Haewon took a deep breath and turned his body in determination. Hyunseok was right there, looking at him.

His eyes were red and swollen. Fresh tears were falling from his eyes. Haewon’s heart tightened.

 

Hyunseok was indeed feeling pathetic but he didn’t care. He wasn’t ashamed of his honest tears. He wasn’t ashamed of the strong feelings of love he had for Haewon. He didn’t want to hide them. What was the point of acting strong?

 

“I am bored of you. I don’t like you anymore. You were nothing important in my life. Forget about me. You were a stupid mistake, Hyunseok!” Haewon said and forced a mocking smile on his face. “Got it? Is it now clear to you?”

Hyunseok sobbed. His breathing was giving up on him. He was drowning in his tears.

“You made it clear.” He whispered. “Please go now!”

“I will never come back again.” ---

 

(…Please listen to me, don’t let me go. Shower me with your love. If only you could come back again…)

 

“Hyung stop!” Hyeonjin screamed and wrapped his arms around Hyunseok “Stop, it is wrong! You’re drunk.”

“No! Leave… leave me alone!” Hyunseok hissed but and tried to break free, “I need to find Wonnie!”

“You might make things worse now! Just wait until Donghyun comes back. He’ll kill me if he finds out that I let you do whatever you want at this state.” The younger objected. “Please, hyung. Don’t make me use violence to keep you away from that man.”

“Do whatever you want!” he cried out, “But I’ll go find him and take him back! This can’t be the end!”

“Stop being in denial!” Hyeonjin shook him, “This is life! Get yourself together!”

“Jin ah, let me go,” he sobbed and the younger man’s heart clenched, “I am begging you, let me find him.”

Hyeonjin bit his lower lip, “What if something bad happens? How am I supposed to let you go?”

“I’ll find him. Nothing will happen before that. I’ll definitely find him.”

“Then go! Go before I regret taking this decision to let you leave.”

 

Hyunseok nodded and forced himself walk to the door like he was completely fine. He wasn’t fine. He could barely stand but he couldn’t take the pain anymore. His heart was aching more than his body did.

He needed his cure, his antidote. He needed Haewon.

 

With as much power he had left, he headed in Haewon’s house. At least his need and determination could shove away all the complaints his weak body was making.

 

He had to see Haewon. He had to be with Haewon.

 

(… If only you could call me. I would die just by hearing your voice. Your sweet voice I never forget…)

 

The morning lights, probably coming from a window, hit his face. Hyunseok frowned when his sleep was disturbed. A headache was already killing him and the only thing on his mind right now was to get some rest.

He kept his heavy eyes closed and buried his head deeper in the really soft pillow. With a soft groan, because the light was still annoying him, he covered his body and his head under the blanket.

“Hyunseok, are you awake?”

 

Hyunseok, being alerted but still under the blanket, snapped his eyes open. That voice… that sweet melody…

“If you’re indeed awake, please don’t pretend anymore. Get off the blanket. We need to talk.”

With hesitation, the surprised man uncovered his face and glanced at the man who was standing at the door.

“Why am I here?” he asked, fully unaware. His mind hated him that moment, not allowing him to remember.

“I wanted to ask you the same thing.” Haewon crossed his hands.

“I don’t remember. I am sorry! I was drunk and probably found my way here.”

“This is not right, Hyunseok. What if this happens again?”

Hyunseok threw away the blanket and took a sitting position. For a moment, his headache was piercing his head. He touched his head and closed his eyes, trying to calm down, missing the worry in Haewon’s face.

“Do I bother you that much?” he asked, still having his face buried in his hands.

“You’re not… you’re not bothering me. But I am not your boyfriend anymore and I am definitely not your nanny. When you get drunk, go to your friends to take care of you. I won’t do that again.”

Hyunseok lifted his head and locked eyes with the man, “So you pitied me and took me in? Why did you even bother Haewon? You should have let me out there, then. I didn’t ask you to do it.”

Haewon laughed ironically. “You’re saying this because you don’t remember. Hyunseok, you were kneeling and crying outside my door. You were screaming that you love me and you woke up all my neighbors. You didn’t ask me to do it but I had no choice.”

“I am sorry.”

“Apology accepted for this one and only time. Now, go take a shower. I prepared breakfast. You’ll eat and then you’ll disappear from my life once and for all.”

“No, thanks! I better disappear already.” He said and stood up, almost falling back.

This time Haewon was next to him, supporting him. “You better listen to me. You look like , you can’t leave immediately.”

Hyunseok pushed Haewon away as fast as he could, missing one more time the hurt in the man’s eyes.

“Don’t touch me. It might be easy for you but it’s not for me.”

Haewon only looked at him.

“If I can’t be with you, then I don’t want to be near you. It hurts me. It hurts me like hell.”

“But you l-”

“Stop acting like you care about me. Let me do whatever I want, besides my life doesn’t concern you anymore. You chose this.”

“I still care about you, Hyunseok! The fact that I am not attracted from you anymore doesn’t mean that I don’t care.”

“Then stop caring. I don’t want you to care.”

“Now you’re being selfish.” Haewon shook his head, “And childish.”

“That’s not called selfishness.” Hyunseok bitterly smiled, “That’s called being heartbroken.”

“Th-”

“You were the childish one!” he raised his voice, “You, who played with me. You, who lied about your feelings and laughed with mine. You, who threw me away with the excuse that you got bored.  You should have admitted that you never loved me. You should have told the truth instead of finding lame, childish excuses.”

“That was not an excuse!” Haewon objected.

“You’re a liar Haewon. You’re a liar and yet, you’re here judging my behavior! At least I was honest since the beginning. I was honest about loving you, honest about all of my feelings!”

“I didn’t lie!” Haewon yelled. “I never lied!”

“Shut up! I don’t believe you anyway. Not anymore!” Hyunseok hissed, “I don’t want to hear anything else from you. It disgusts me.”

“Hyunseok…” Haewon whispered.

“You’re disgusting Haewon, a filthy liar. Are you happy now? Because I guess that was what you were trying to succeed. I came here, begging for your love. I humiliated myself. Happy now?”

“No, Hyunseok…”

“No?” the devastated man laughed, “You want more? Ok what do you want to hear? That no matter how much you hurt me, humiliated me, make me beg I still love you? I still love you more than anything?”

“No, stop!”

“You can’t stand listening to me now?”

“No! Stop it! You know nothing!” Haewon took a desperate step closer to Hyunseok. “Please, stop!”

“I am going Haewon. Like what you want me to do.”

 

(… I am drowning into the ocean. I can’t reach your hand. We made such big mistakes. Is it too late to get lost into you?...)

 

“I love you!”

Hyunseok froze at his spot, right before he touched the doorknob. He wasn’t sure if he had heard right but he heard it.

“What?” he asked in a low, cracking voice.

“I love you!” Haewon repeated, this time louder. “I still love you. I never stopped.”

Hyunseok’s mind was working overtime. Chills were running through his body.

He didn’t turn his body. “Is that supposed to be another game of yours?”

“That…” Haewon paused “… is supposed to be the truth.”

“I don’t get it.” he whispered in confusion, “I don’t get you.”

“I love you but I am obligated to let you go. I can’t be with you!”

 

This time Hyunseok looked at him. His whole body was facing him. “What are you even talking about?”

“I don’t deserve you.”

“Are you ting with me? Why are you doing this? Why aren’t you explaining?”

“I lied to you. I am a liar indeed but I never lied about my feelings. I lied about who I really am.”

“Keep talking.”

“I… I’ve done many wrong things, terrible things. I am involved with wrong people. I… am not the good, naïve boy you’ve always thought I was.”

“Explain to me please, what are you saying?” Hyunseok was getting more and more confused and more and more frustrated.

“Before I meet you, I was… I was involved with a gang and their leader. I was… I was stealing and… and… and beating people and… I’ve done so many terrible things. I’ve even beat girls and old people.”

“You wouldn’t!” Hyunseok shook his head, not believing.

“I did and I was ashamed of it. And that’s when I met you. So perfect! I wanted to give up my old life and create a new one with you. I tried to forget about my past. I tried to hide but you can’t hide who you are. Your past will always haunt you.”

“I don’t care then!” Hyunseok said and approached Haewon. He touched his shoulders with both of his hands. “I don’t care what you did before. If that was why you broke up with me then I don’t care.”

“I broke up with you because he found me, the gang’s leader. He threatened me that if I don’t get you out of my life, he will.”

“Haewon ah…”

“I can’t risk your life. I can’t hurt you.”

“You’re hurting me more by keeping me away!”

“He is no joke, Hyunseok! He is not joke!”

“I love you!”

“I love you too!”

“That’s what matters! That’s the only thing!”

“But what if…”

“No ‘buts’ and no ‘what ifs’, now! I don’t care! I am not letting you go again!”

“You sh-”

 

Then there were no words, just two pair of lips kissing sweetly, softly. Because love is all that is needed.

 

(… Stay here with me! We have to reach our destination. Stay here with me! We have to see if we really love each other. I am afraid, that’s why I want you just for me. Please stay here with me. We’ll become one…)