This was certainly one of the prettiest nights in July. The stars were shining brightly on the clear dark blue sky. It’s always amazed him, the sparked of beauty that those little things had. He looked at the mesmerizing scene above him with greedy eyes.

I wonder if the sky is the same there too.

The feline eyes shook his head with sarcastic laugh suppressed on his lips. He didn’t know when exactly it’s happened, but his hand set a death grip on the cold metal railing in front of him. The metal secured him and any other visitors from the river. He can’t feel his hand as his eyes wandering to the dark surface of the river. If only his heart could feel the same numb.

He tore away his gaze from the river, afraid it will be too tempting. He promised his self, his friends, and him, that he won’t do anything stupid that could harm himself. Suicide clearly is one of the prohibited. He left the river’s side, not once look back.

His feet bought him to his once called home. He didn’t know how to address his place to live anymore. It didn’t feel like home. He knew that his home was gone far away. He stopped in the middle of track and blew his fringe, irritated.

Did you love self-pitying that much, birthday boy? He thought, mocked his self mentally. His birthday was tomorrow, he should be happy. He supposed to be happy. He wondered why he refused his favorite junior’s idea to celebrate it today. He should’ve accepted it. At least he would have some distraction. Maybe knocked himself out with dozen beers so that he could lay his on the bed and sleep until the dreadful birthday passed.

He didn’t like his own birthday, not since couple of years ago. His birthday just make him realized how lonely he feels. On his birthday, the memory of the previous birthday will popped on his mind, the once sweet memory with him. He felt like scream from the top of his lungs as the memory crushing him.

On his birthday, the loneliness he always feels came twice as painful as before. It became impossible to bear, but he kept on trying. It’s insane and hurt like hell, but he can’t see the way out if he stopped trying. He hated it when the inner thought of him whispered frustrate and pathetic voice.

You don’t deserve to be happy. In the end, it’s you who had been left behind. It’s him who gone and brought your heart along. It’s you who cried yourself to sleep every freaking birthday night. It’s you who’s waiting and keep waiting for him even though you filled with uncertainty which drift you insane, back to the square one.

In the end, it’s you who desperately hold onto the three words he whispered into your ear with his melodic accented voice.

In the end, it’s you who’s broken.

Turned his key in the key’s hole, and opened the door, Heechul greeted by the dim and cold room. He slipped off his shoes and the lamp. Smile automatically shown on his lips when he spotted two of his babies purred softly toward him.

“Are you guys being a good kid today?” he asked while picked them into his arms, kissing the tip of their small nose.

He walked to the kitchen and let them down, gave them their favorite meals. That’s when he noticed his diva baby was not there to join the other.

“Heebum?” Heechul called while put the other two cats to enjoy their meal.

It’s very a rare occasion when Heebum doesn’t greet him or coming when he called. It’s weird enough to make him worry. He started to search for the Russian blue cat.

“Heebum?” he tried again, looking into his own room.

He searched into the whole house just to find out that Heebum wasn’t anywhere in the house. Panic started to rose in his heart. He called for Heebum all over again, louder than before. He cursed loudly and hurriedly put his shoes back on.

In an instant, Heechul walked out from home after locked it properly and make sure the two of his baby won’t go anywhere. He started to small jog while searching for his precious Heebum. His lips chanted for the cat non-stop.

He wandered to every place that comes into his clouded mind. His phone was on his ear, calling .

“Where is Heebum?” he asked when Donghae picked up the call. The poor fishy could barely talk.

“Huh?” he asked confusedly from the other line.

“Did you see Heebum? Does Heebum with you?” Heechul asked frantic.

Donghae, in other hand, even though really wondered what happened, answer right away. “No. None of us take Heebum out. What happened?”

Heechul hung up. He didn’t have time to explain. He knew Heebum won’t be with them anyway. His entire member respected his will to be left alone when his birthday’s coming. They all were reluctantly left him after make Heechul promised he won’t do anything stupid.

He ran to the nearest park and calling for Heebum. “Heebum!” he called, almost screamed. There’s some irrational despair spoke in him.

I’m being left again.

“Hee-“Heebum’s name stuck in his throat when he saw someone sitting on the bench, looking at him.

That person positioned himself slightly in front of the street lamp. Heechul couldn’t see his face but the figure was painfully familiar for him. There’s no way he mistaken. He knew it by heart which decided to stop it’s beating momentary. He even held his breath. He wanted to rub his eyes, make sure it’s not only his mind playing tricks on him, but he can’t move. Not even move a single finger.

That person clad in dark top, thin jacket, and jeans. That person looked perfect…as always. Heechul can’t tear his eyes off him, as that man was also staring at him with those familiar orbs.

“Heechul,” his name rolled of that man’s lips. That melodic accented voice once again filled his ears.

He could die in an instant and he won’t care. He could cry a river just because he heard that voice again, but he wasn’t. He is Kim Heechul, the universe big star.

He took a step closer to that person, who he dreamt of every single night for the past years. Each and every step he took burnt something inside him; anger, rage. With closer distance, Heechul’s finally able to see his face that he longed to see.

It felt like dreaming a dream.

That person smiled ever so softly toward him. One single smile that brought Heechul’s heart comes back to life. It beat wild and eager, despite his attempt to calm down. It’s been years, but he still the only person that have such effect on Heechul.

When he finally in front of that person, Heechul slapped his chest, hard. “You bastard-” Heechul cursed him. Even though such harsh word passed his mouth, his voice was shaking and weak. His fist, however, was an entirely different story.

“-Jerk-“ he continued on beating the off the younger man. He slapped and beat him in every part he could reach, let every despair, worry, uncertainty, and pain shown by every punch he landed. “Stupid freaking son of a ,” Heechul said with weaker voice.

Even though the younger China man knew martial art so well, he didn’t attempt to defend himself. He took each and every blown of fist that Heechul landed on his body. It hurt. Heechul was completely stronger than he looks, but he knew it’s nowhere near the pain he caused in the elder’s heart.

So here he was, seating on the bench, while passively allowed Heechul to steam off his pain for years. Crazily, Hankyung circled his arm on Heechul’s slim waist, brought him closer. Heebum, which Heechul lately realized stayed at Hankyung’s lap jumped off to avoid his owner’s rage. Even the cat knew how to survive.

“I- You-“ Heechul lost for words after some moment. He landed one last hard punch on Hankyung’s shoulder blade before clung into the younger’s neck and hugged him tight. There, on Hankyung’s shoulder, Heechul finally let his tears spilled.

Hankyung pulled him to seat on his lap. He entwined his own fingers on Heechul’s waist, trapped the elder onto himself. It’s Heechul’s turn to passively sat on his laps. Hankyung could feel Heechul’s body trembles violently in his arms. He buried his face on the crook of Heechul’s neck, inhaled his diva’s unique scent that he craved badly.

“I missed you too,” he whispered right into Heechul’s ear while closed his eyes and inhaled the scent again. He just can’t stop himself. He needed the assurance for himself too. The flight back to Korea was vogue in his mind. Many emotions filled him until he can’t point each one of it. He was a mess but he knows the dominant feeling he felt was the longing for his diva.

He brought his hand to draw comforting circles on Heechul’s back. His simple caring move earned tighter hugs from Heechul if it still possible. Heechul nearly cut off his circulation but he found himself pulled Heechul more into his body, closer as much as they can, leaving no space even for a thin air.

“Chulie,” he whispered, called the elder over again, created a harmonious music for Heechul’s ears only. It brought another tears from Heechul. It’s a constant reminder that Hankyung was really here and he was actually held by those warm arms again.

He felt Hankyung’s hot breath on his neck. It ghosted over his skin in such a familiar way yet added with sparks of something much more intense. He was totally lost into the addictive ecstasy that it’s late when he realized there’s also constant water wetted his shoulder.

Heechul pulled back, separated himself from Hankyung. Hankyung immediately tightened his arms around Heechul. He can’t bear any separate again, not now. The diva lifted his head down and pressing his lips on Hankyung’s neck, gave him a chaste kiss.

“Let me see you,” Heechul barely whispered, can’t let the younger to hear his shaky voice again.

Hankyung held him still and shook his head a little. Heechul smacked his shoulder, softly this time. “Hannie,” Heechul used his so-called diva voice. The fact along with his pet name lightened the atmosphere between them.

It took a moment before Hankyung lifted his face and finally faced his princess square in the face. Heechul saw Hankyung’s eyes still glistening with tears which no more visible on his cheeks. Looked at him in this close distant and saw exactly the same face with the one in his memory brought the tears back to Heechul’s eyes. There’s unexplainable relief washed him. He never forgot the face, he never forgot his Hannie.

Hankyung managed to plaster a small smile on his lips. He cupped Heechul’s both cheeks with his hands and placed a butterfly kiss on each Heechul’s eyelids.

“I’ve seen enough your tears,” he voiced, pushing their forehead together. Heechul still clung onto him, so did Hankyung. “Come on, give me my smile,” he demanded.

Heechul tugged a smile on his lips with tears stained his cheeks. His hands on the younger’s neck pulled him closer. He closed his eyes when Hankyung’s soft lips captured his. The first contact blew his mind away. The pressure on his lips, the warm feeling inside him, the way his stomach did somersault, the sensation when his heart skipped a beat, all hit him at once.

Heechul could feel himself shatter when Hankyung tilted his head, deepened the kiss. The innocent kiss soon turned passionate and desperate. Hankyung’s lips crash onto him like there’s no tomorrow. He thirsted to taste the elder, to let go all the desire he held for years.

Hankyung didn’t ask for permission when he his tongue in. Heechul allowed him immediately. He felt Hankyung’s sweet tongue danced with his own; softly caressed the inner of his mouth. The pressure of Hankyung’s fingers on his waist surely will leave bruise later, but Heechul wished he would hold him tighter.

“Hold me,” he whispered breathlessly on the younger’s lips before captured those soft lips again.

Immediately, the hands around him turned into an iron prison. The way Hankyung's fingers stabbed his skin made Heechul winced. Hankyung loosened up when he heard that tiny reaction come from Heechul. Instead, he rubbed Heechul’s back soothingly.

They stayed there for a while. None of them uttered a word. The silence embraced the two men, left them filled with the other’s presence. Hankyung attached his hand into Heechul’s now shorter red hair, combed it tenderly. Usually Heechul was sensitive about his hair. He didn't like it when someone touched his hair, but Hankyung was an exception. He’s always the exception for all Heechul's issue. Heechul’s soft hair between his fingers was always brought pleasant feeling for Hankyung as well. As the elder’s wish, he held him close, and brought his head to rest on his shoulder. Heechul was no longer tremble. His breath became steady and he stopped crying.

“How could Heebum end up with you?” Heechul asked when he decided he needed to hear the younger’s voice again.

“I came to the dorm earlier. You aren’t there,” he explained, continued to brush his hair. “Heebum doesn’t let me go since I come and he becomes too noisy so I take him out with me.”

Heechul opened his eyes and trailed his cat. Good kid. Heebum will eat his luxurious meal for the next week. As if agreed, Heebum purred with satisfaction before curled up near Hankyung’s feet.

The elder, after a moment of silence, pressed his lips on Hankyung’s collar bone, and said what he really want to say for the first time he saw Hankyung on the park. “I missed you.”

***

They went to the apartment and greeted by the two cats. Heechul put Heebum down and busied himself to take care of the cats. All of sudden he didn't know what to do with Hankyung at the dorm, hung his jacket casually and left with his black tank top. Heechul tried his best not to stare and didn't do anything stupid. Out of nowhere he felt uncertain. It's been years since they met, of course, things were different. He often imagined that they'll meet again, but he never thought about what will he does when they actually meet.

His body tensed when he felt the younger put both his hands on Heechul's each shoulder. "You should take off the jacket first," Hankyung told him, half scolded.

Heechul allowed the younger to pull off his jacket and hung it next to his own. Then the silence once again crept between them. This time, it's an awkward silence. So Heechul did the only thing he knows to melt the awkwardness.

"See, they become fat and healthy. Oh, it's just like you. Not fat of course, but healthy. You are healthy, right? You definitely look better now. Ah, the dorm doesn't change too. If you are curious, the entire members still the same to. They brat, still so noisy and crazy, just wait until Teukie released from army. I'll tell him to kick some . Ah no, it's me who usually do that-" he rambled, eyes fixed at the three cat, their ear softly. Hankyung watched his side figure as the elder refused to look at him. He stood motionlessly and rested his back on the nearby wall, waited for the elder to continue.

"-so basically nothing change. Me too, doesn't change at all," he said again, now standing and walking into the table, attempted to busy himself with something else.

Before he could do another step, Hankyung's firm hand held him softly, and pulled him closer to his side. "There are a lot of things changed," the younger whispered, looked directly to the feline eyes.

Heechul opened his mouth to protest but Hankyung cupped his cheeks. He landed a small peck on the kissable lips. "You've changed too."

When the elder finally decided to meet his eyes, Hankyung found what Heechul hid inside. There's uncertainty, lots of it, filled his beautiful eyes. For a brief moment, Heechul looked like a lost kid. Hankyung engulfed him with a comforting hug. "You are no longer Kim Heechul I used to know," he whispered in the elder's ear, didn't realize he said it in Chinese.

Heechul wanted to ask what was that mean. He wanted to know what exactly in the younger’s mind right now. His own mind filled with question he wanted to know the answer, but he decided to ask the question he feared to hear the answer the most. "Why are you here Hannie?" he finally said, gulped the lump inside his throat.

Hankyung needs minutes to answer. It's not because he doesn't know the reason, it's because he thought some of his deepest feeling was not even deserved to be known by the elder. He's the one who left for years, after all, and didn't even keep in touch regularly. He could always blame his tight schedule, but it's not really a reason. Heechul's worth than anything else.

"I want to spend today and tomorrow with you," Hankyung said after a while. For the first time in the night, Heechul heard the accented voice of the younger waver. It’s a low and lack of confidence voice. The absence of the confidence brought a new color to his voice. He sometimes speak in broken Korean, but he never lack of confidence.

Heechul pulled himself from the younger to look into his eyes. Hankyung still managed to give him his best smile. The same smile he pulled years ago, although with all the suffer he struggled. The tender smile he always bid to him, to another member, to fans, to everyone who saw him. The smile that said everything’s alright, although the reality was far than that. Heechul dejected it. He hated it when his Hannie forced his self to smile. He hated it when he can't do anything to help.

Hankyung brought his fingers to ease Heechul's frowned eyebrow. "May I?"

“Silly,” Heechul muttered under his breath before captured their lips into heated kiss. He brought his hand to lace it on Hankyung’s hair and finally felt this is where he belonged.

“Happy birthday Chullie,” Hankyung whispered when the clock hit midnight.

Heechul smiled contently on the top of the younger’s chest. They lay together in bed, cuddled up with Heechul on top. He listened to Hankyung’s strong heart beat under him and felt comfortable with it. The hand his hair slowly just lulled him to sleep.

“Don’t you feel curious about your present?” the sentence brought Heechul’s attention solely on him.

“There’s still another present?” Heechul asked him with a raised brow. Hankyung looked at him amusedly.

“So you still consider me as your present huh?” he teased with a big grin on his face.

On a very rare occasion like this, the diva’s cheeks tinted in deep shade of red. Heechul hid his face in the younger’s toned chest as he smacked Hankyung’s shoulder bashfully. As strange as it was, Hankyung laughed uncontrollably.

“Shut up and give me my present,” Heechul threatened half hearty. Hankyung still chuckled when he dug in his pocket and withdrew a small silver box and placed it on Heechul’s open palm. Heechul looked at the elegant box with astonishment before eagerly pulled off the blue ribbon and opened the box.

Inside the box, rested full of pride surrounded by dark blue satin, was a silver ring. It’s not a usual ring. The ring had the shape ‘Hee’ in Chinese character. The ring’s sparkling beautifully, much to his like. Hankyung smiled seeing Heechul’s eyes shining when those orbs trailed back at him. He picked the ring and slipped it on one of Heechul’s finger. Hankyung adored how good it looked on Heechul. The spark brought out Heechul’s milky white skin and pointed out his flawless.

“Happy birthday, Heechul,” he repeated, brought the hand to his lips and planted a chaste kiss on it. “I wish for your happiness. I can’t promise you anything, so I’m not going to be selfish and ask you to wait for me. Everything did change.”

There’s another moment of silence when they just stared into each other eyes, seeking for something that’s too deep to express with words. It’s not a happy story they shared and no one dared to promise the happy end of their story. They walked in a narrow path, filled with uncertainty and the distance between them drew a big open wound to their heart. As the time passed, the distance becomes further, the memory forgotten, and all that left was a bittersweet feeling that brought you to be who you are right now.

It’s not about how to live together forever; it’s about how to get enough by seeing him once in a while and continued to survive in a long time when you didn’t even see a glimpse of him. It’s not about thinking of him every time; it’s about burying him deep inside your heart. Deep enough not to hurt you, but at the same time not deep enough to forget, because once you forget that mean you finally lost yourself.

It’s not for sweet words and promise, both learnt how promise could painfully turn its back on you and destiny could play with you. It’s about the reality and the responsibility they have, because without the reality and the responsibility, they are not Kim Heechul, and they are not Hangeng.

It’s a sad story they wrote, yet none of them ready to quit. To the world they were separated thousands miles away, to the closest friends they were broken, but to themselves, they were one. Always be and always will, until one of them finally decide to end the story and began another story.

“I’m happy to spend this day with you,” Hankyung said, entwined their hand together.

Heechul smiled along with him. It’s actually no need for word to express their feeling, the strong bond within them more than able to tell them exactly what the other’s thinking. Heechul once again buried his face on Hankyung’s chest, thinking about what the younger said earlier.

You’ve changed too

When did Heechul ever wait for someone more than years? He got irritate just to wait for 10 minutes. When did Heechul ever desperately trey to make a call? He deleted every number that didn’t answer his call. When did Heechul ever shed a tear in public? Kim Heechul didn’t cry.

Heechul smirked. Maybe Hankyung was right, more than he intended to be. “I’m happy you are here.”

***

A week. Hankyung stayed with him for a week, secretly from the world, before left in the morning without any word. Heechul was mad and threw stuff and cried for awhile before some sense knocked into him and realized maybe it’s become easier for him if Hankyung left without word, just like the first time.

There’s no evidence that Hankyung spent the last week with him, no witness. Just a silver ring and love mark that left right where Heechul’s heart stay that became the evidence of their secret story. Heechul really lost count on how many tears he spilled over the younger, thinking it’s not healthy to long over someone that deeply.

He absentmindedly caressed the silver ring with his two fingers, stopped and brought the ring closer to his eyes when his thumb felt the rough part between the smooth surfaces.

Inside the ring was carved small single Chinese character which Heechul knows by heart; Geng. A single word which meant the world for Heechul and now he knew. If the world decided to put a sad ending for their story, Geng chose not to have an end at all. Just like himself.

Heechul smirked before slipped the ring into his finger. “Maybe I like your selfish side the best.”

Written By: Honey June

So, I wrote this long long time ago, when there wasn't any news about Heechul and Hannie. This story was born as a prayer which contained my hope for them to meet. Finally, FINALLY, they met each other. I can't express how happy I am. I forgot about this story though, until recently, when I saw it on my laptop. After several consideration, I decided to post it. Hopefully you could enjoy it as much as I do.