2016

He is trapped, sitting on a fetal position inside a tank, the size almost a little larger than his frame. His hands are not in a bind but he can’t seem to move, his limbs are heavy in his sides, unmoving. All of a sudden, he feels cold and there’s water filling the small space he is in, a speed of motion so fast he can only take shallow breaths to maintain his sanity.

He tried to move but he’s still stuck and cornered in the confined space, losing his ability to escape. The water continues to fill up the tank until it reaches his chest, making him take another breath as the telltale of a panic attack seems to on his skin.

No. Stop. He wants to scream but nothing seems to be coming out of his mouth.

The water is relentless as it continues to surge in, reaching and passing his head, drowning him.

Jinyoung cannot breathe.

“Save me,” he cries for help, hoping for someone to hear him, but the water just muffles his screams, filling his nose and mouth and suffocating him.

A few beats later and his body started to give up… his eyes feel heavy and they start to close slowly.

He thinks to himself, Is this it? Am I dyi-

Kriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing

His body jerked from the loud sound of his alarm clock, waking him up with a start.

Jinyoung opens his eyes, body moving into a sitting position as he tries to catch his breath. He looks around him and noticed that he’s in his bed, in his room, safe and sound.

Just a dream, he thought, relieved that everything was not real and just a figment of his imagination. But it felt so real. The voice inside his head argued, body still feeling the strain of trying to breathe under water. His musings was interrupted when the sound of his alarm clock gets his attention again.

5:00 am.

Seeing the time on his clock, Jinyoung grudgingly gets off and makes up his bed.

Waking up at five in the morning seems to be too early to get ready for the earliest morning class of an ordinary university student but Jinyoung is not ordinary. In fact, he’s far from it.

He is Park Jinyoung, 22 years old who is currently living his dream life. He’s a singer-songwriter, a multitalented idol who has also recently joined the list of young promising actors.

He won in an open audition back when he was 12 years old and started his training to become an idol in one of the largest and popular agencies in the country. His family was against his decision at first, especially after seeing all the hardships he’ll have to go through while training. They were worried since he was the youngest in the family of five. With 2 older sisters, it wasn’t surprising that his family was protective of him.

However, Jinyoung didn't give up on his dream and strived hard, putting those traits in use to convince his family that no matter how hard the training is, he won’t give up. He promised himself that he’ll become an idol and will achieve his dreams no matter what. His family having known of that trait of his finally gave in and supported him in everything.

He was well known ever since he won that open audition. He has proven that he’s got a talent for singing and dancing, not to mention that he also got the face of an idol. At 12 he was a cute kid, someone who’s full of energy and aegyo and those characteristics attracted a lot of people. And so even when he was a trainee he’s got fans constantly cheering for him, as well as patiently waiting for his debut.

Years later, after all the hard training or as they say after all the blood, sweat and tears had been spilled, Jinyoung finally debuted at the age of 18. As what was predicted and expected of him, his debut was definitely a success.

Just right after that, Jinyoung’s schedule was always full to the brim, leaving him no time to do anything relatively normal. From the usual music show performances, radio shows and guestings in different variety shows, Jinyoung was also invited to pose for photoshoots and magazine covers.

Park Jinyoung got the face, the body, and the smile that can easily capture the hearts of his fans and people of South Korea. It wasn’t hard to imagine him lining up beside all the established idols, for he is cut out to be one from the get go.

He recently released his new album, making his first schedule for the day as a pre-recording on a music show. It was an open broadcast and their location is outdoors.

Jinyoung, as usual did his pre-recording without a problem. Always a perfectionist at fault, he wants everything to go smoothly as much as possible. Jinyoung always sings with passion, giving his best without reservation. As he was doing his recording, he looks at his fans that have come to watch and cheer for his rehearsal, his eyes subconsciously looking for a certain someone. A familiar fan’s face with a contagious smile and a presence that made him always feel warm on the inside and a bit self-conscious. Not seeing the familiar figure that always stands before him in every recording and every performance, made him feel a bit disappointed and if Jinyoung will be more honest, it made him feel so sad.

Jinyoung may have felt sad and disappointed but he didn’t let it show, always a professional, he continued to sing and did his best on his performance, pre-recording or not.

In the middle of his singing Jinyoung then noticed someone at the back; obviously catching a breath and seemed to have just arrived.  The person looks tired but the smile that graces those lips when their eyes met was enough for Jinyoung to calm down and feel warm on the inside, at the same time vulnerable. There is always something more behind those eyes that made him feel that way.

Knowing that a certain fan is finally there, the disappointments and sadness he felt earlier immediately disappeared.

His rehearsal ended without a glitch. And Jinyoung after greeting his fans and talking to them shortly, bids his goodbye while his eyes subtlety lingered on a certain red haired fan that told him to keep smiling and to have good day.

Jinyoung left the venue and went straight to his next schedule. As usual it will be tiring as he has a full schedule for that day, but as his red haired fan said, Jinyoung faced the day with a smile on his face, mentally saying, I’ll definitely have a good one.

- - -

Soon after arriving at the photoshoot venue, Jinyoung was instantly tied up to the busy atmosphere of the area, running on different routines of make-up, styling and posing for photos. Jinyoung, as always does his best in every shoot, earning him a compliment from the photographer.

While on a break the photographer then commented something on him. The man with the camera saying he likes working with the talented idol since the latter’s so easy to work with and that he does everything perfectly. The photographer even mentioned that there’s something different with him today, asking if it’s a special day because Jinyoung is glowing, and that whatever’s the reason behind it, he’s glad because the shots are going to turn amazing because of it.

 “Are you somehow dating?” the photographer asked him, a curious glint in his expert eyes while he went back to snapping photos of the idol.

A scandalized gasp from Jinyoung’s manager echoed on the almost bare walls of the photoshoot venue, turning the idol’s mind into an ocean of mush of shock and surprise.

How the photographer thought Jinyoung was dating was beyond his grasp. If it was another occasion he must have laughed, but the initial shock is still in his system so he opted to just politely shake his head in response, covering his mouth with his hand to hide the warmness he feels blooming on his cheeks.

The photographer, already satisfied on prodding Jinyoung, just laughed at his reaction and continued with his work.

- - -

With Jinyoung’s successful debut four years ago, came his popularity. Ever since he became an actor, it’s not surprising for him to have fans in different age groups; it is even outstanding that the amount of both his female and male fans is almost the same.

 

Jinyoung is very much aware of this. He also knows that he wouldn’t make it without his fans’ support, that he won’t be where he is right now without his beloved fans, thus he’s always thankful and grateful of them.

 

He may not be the type who always updates his SNS accounts to show his gratitude but Jinyoung makes sure that his fans know that he appreciates them by remembering them one by one.

 

And now, Jinyoung on his last schedule of the day, an outdoor music event with other artists, sees the familiar faces of his fans in front of the stage, wildly cheering for him.

 

Four years after his debut, Jinyoung definitely knows the face of his loyal fans. He sees them holding their banners with his face on it, some on a fan or in a headband. Some have their own LED boards or have their cell phones as makeshift banners, anything creative to show him their support.

 

But out of all the fans who are luckily standing in front, showing their love for him, there is someone who stands out. It’s not just because that the fan is a male, since Jinyoung is used to having both female and male fans. It’s not just because he’s obviously not Korean, but a foreigner—a Taiwanese born American actually. It’s not just because his red hair is easily recognizable among the crowd. Well anybody could have red hair but Jinyoung particularly likes that shade of red. It’s not just because that canine smile he’s sporting was pretty to look at.

 

No.

 

What made that red haired fan different in Jinyoung’s eyes is because of how he acts in all the events he’s seen him, most especially on how he acts towards him.

 

A fan’s natural attitude is to cheer and scream when their idol is in front of them. It’s natural to show their love and support in form of words or hand signals and Jinyoung’s familiar with all of those behaviors.

 

So when a certain red haired fan, stands without holding a banner or light stick—like Jinyoung used to see him do since day one, (actually, he improved, as he sometimes holds his official light stick nowadays) not hear him chant his name or recite the chants of his songs like the rest of his fans, it’s bound to happen for the idol to notice him. It also doesn’t help that whenever the fan looks at him, it feels like the former looks through his soul.

 

As soon as Jinyoung is finished in his performance, he was ushered to the side to let other artist perform. His stylist and makeup artist instantly busied themselves around him.

 

While patting Jinyoung’s forehead with tissues, Sora suddenly whispers, “I saw handsome red haired prince was in front again.”

 

Jinyoung knows who his stylist was talking about but chose not to comment on it. It’s been a while since his stylist started calling his red haired fan like that and she likes teasing Jinyoung about it. Already close enough to be siblings; he doesn’t mind the occasional prodding she does once in a while.

 

When Jinyoung didn’t reply, it was Soojin, Jinyoung’s relatively new make up artists, who spoke next. “Isn’t it weird? I always see him in all of your performances but he just keeps on staring at you all the time. I get it if he’s mesmerized when you perform but I haven’t seen him do things a normal fan would do. No banner and all.” Patting Jinyoung’s face with a powdered brush, she continued to say, “Well, I saw him holding your official light stick but it’s just this one time. Isn’t that creepy? Maybe he’s a stalker,” she comments, her voice in a curious tone.

 

“Soojin noona!” Jinyoung hisses, careful not to say it out loud in case anyone hears them and starts misunderstanding and eventually turns it into a scandal. “He’s not a stalker!” Jinyoung’s voice is firm even if it’s low in a whisper.

 

“How sure are you that he’s not a sasaeng who’s so obsessed at you?” Soojin asks, this time there’s a challenge evident in her voice. Jinyoung grits his teeth and hold her hand to still it from putting color to his lips.

 

“Mark hyung’s not like that,” he continues to defend. The look that Sora, most especially Soojin gave him made him rethink of his words and actions. He mentally gives himself a bonk in the head for his sudden urge to defend the red haired fan. “Stop looking at me like that,” Jinyoung says when he can’t bear the teasing look they are giving him.

 

“There’s nothing wrong with the way we’re looking at you. I’m just surprised you’re on a first name basis with him. And since when did he become your hyung?” Soojin asks. She actually looks sincere and curious at the same time. It was in these situations he especially hates having new people on his team. They ask too many questions.

 

“No, not really. I… it’s just that he always attends my fan signs and of course I’m bound to know his name, my fan’s name,” Jinyoung points out, emphasizing the last bit as if it makes sense than it actually holds account for.

 

I also found out he’s older than me because he told me, Jinyoung thought, saying it only on his mind, without any intention of letting them know about it.

 

Sora, feeling the sudden tension from Jinyoung’s shoulders, relents and reassured the idol.

 

“Relax Jinyoungie! We were just teasing.” Chuckling, she pats the idols shoulder and gives him a little push towards the stage entrance.

 

“Soojin,” says Sora in a placating tone. “Mark has been Jinyoung’s fan for a long time. Being that said, it’s not odd that he remembers him. Besides, Jinyoungie here is good in remembering people’s faces, especially those who support and love him, right, Jinyoungie?” Jinyoung merely forced a smile. Turning back at the other woman, Sora adds, “I hope you don’t misunderstand, Soojin-ah.”

 

Soojin nods at Sora’s explanation, questions in her head now addressed once and for all. At this, Sora smiles reassuringly at Jinyoung which made him finally relax.

 

“The producer is calling you back. Go!” Sora then tells the idol. Jinyoung nods at her, silently glad that the teasing and questioning have stopped, finally.

 

He goes to the producer to talk to him for a bit, listening to the instruction for his next performance. While waiting for the signal to get up on stage for the last segment of the show, Jinyoung takes a look at the crowd, he was nearly taken aback when the first set of eyes he meets belongs to the certain handsome red haired prince his stylist and his new makeup artist used to with. The one he calls Mark hyung.

Mark Tuan, a Taiwanese who’s born in America that is now currently living in Korea, Jinyoung’s obviously special and not so typical kind of fan.

 

*****

AUGUST 2014

The first time Jinyoung saw Mark was two years ago. If his memory serves him right, it was during an open concert event with multiple artists.

While everyone was cheering in front of him, holding banners, light sticks and LED boards, there was someone who stood out like a sore thumb out of all the crazy people spazzing about the crowd. Jinyoung wasn’t sure if the guy was his fan or not, since there wasn’t any indication that he was. However, because Jinyoung’s the one currently singing on stage, he assumed the guy was there to cheer for him. The snapback the fan was wearing did not give Jinyoung the chance to see his face or at least his eyes, only his nose down to his mouth and chin.

With the different aura the guy emitted, Jinyoung actually thought that maybe the guy wasn’t one of his fans and just happened to get lucky to be standing in the front row and right in front of him.

Well too bad for him, I have a full set. So he has to wait for his idols’ turn. He thought idly, continuing with his song per usual. He looked at the other fans and visibly relaxed when he saw the familiar look of admiration they were giving him.

It was in the middle of the song when Jinyoung happened to see that the guy has already removed his snapback, revealing flaming red locks and shocking good looks. Jinyoung wasn’t really surprised by the red color of the guy’s hair but what made him almost stopped in his performance were the guy’s eyes that met his for the first time.

The guy wasn’t looking at Jinyoung with the expected admiration in his eyes; instead he’s looking at him like he’s analyzing Jinyoung, as if he could see through him, like he could see through his soul. That stare sent shivers through Jinyoung’s spine. He didn’t know why but he felt exposed and at the same time vulnerable to someone he didn’t even know.

It was Jinyoung who broke the eye contact to look at the other side of the crowd as he continued to perform. When he finished the song, Jinyoung subtlety looks for the red haired fan, but he’s no longer there anymore.

Jinyoung’s questions about the fan’s intentions on attending that event were answered when the guy started to show up in all of his events, eyes still giving the same look he did the first time they looked at each other. He wasn’t even sure if he’s his fan or another idol’s but the guy surprised Jinyoung one day when he showed up in one particular music show, light stick (Jinyoung’s official light stick), looking out of his place on his hand.

Jinyoung thought, if he’s not my fan then he wouldn’t make an effort in attending all of my events and buying my official light stick, right?

Jinyoung still thinks that the guy looks awkward holding a light stick, but he can’t help and smile knowing that the fan made an effort buying it and showing his support for the idol.

He looks awkward but cute, Jinyoung thought, unconsciously smiling by himself.

Since the red haired fan wasn’t behaving like the usual fans Jinyoung’s used to seeing, it’s no wonder that it made the latter recognize him a bit faster than the others. The staring, that the fan used to do every time, may have an added influence to it as well. Jinyoung couldn’t pin point the exact feeling but there’s something with the way the fan was looking at him that felt like he’s being constantly read, as if he knew all about Jinyoung’s secrets.

-

SEPTEMBER 2014

Jinyoung’s title song, Mayday, from his album This Star, instantly took residence on top of the charts and got first place in different music shows the moment it was released. He takes pride in that album since he personally produced and written all of the songs.

To celebrate his 20^th birthday and total success of his album, Jinyoung and his management had decided to hold a special birthday event for him and his fans.

The birthday fan sign is special, for each of the lucky Parker and Peaches (Jinyoung’s official fanclub name) who’ll be able to join the event will not only have their albums signed but will also have a chance to talk to him for a bit. They are also allowed to give him birthday gifts and letters, wish him well for his birthday and also have a chance to have a picture with him.

All of it was Jinyoung’s idea. He talked to his agency about how he wanted everything to happen, giving his fans way more freedom with their interaction with him, hoping that it will lead them closer together.

When Jinyoung arrived at the venue, a much smaller place compared to what he’s used to—this he chose to make the atmosphere more intimate for him and his fans, he immediately goes to the stage. Upon his arrival, his fans immediately screamed and cheered for him, Jinyoung waving and smiling at them in return.

Jinyoung sang and danced for a while, dedicating all of the songs to everyone in the room. His performances were immediately followed by his one on one session with his beloved fans.

As promised, Jinyoung focused on each of them; talked to them, answered their questions, signed their albums and took a picture with them—he even gave free hugs.

Fan after fan, Jinyoung made sure that each of them felt appreciated. He made sure to thank them for supporting him and also for wishing him for his birthday,

It was nearing the end of his fan sign event with only five more people left on the line. Jinyoung had just given a hug to a female fan when he accidentally dropped the pen he’s using for signing the albums. Feeling silly and clumsy, he instantly bended and glanced on the floor to get it back, at the same time, he felt someone sit across the table (probably the next fan in line).

From his position, he looked up, already prepared to greet the fan already sitting across him. He was about to let out a wide smile when he met a familiar set of eyes.

Jinyoung was slightly taken aback.

It was the red haired fan.

They stared at each other for a minute; Jinyoung easily drowning on the other’s eyes that has put him on edge and comfort at the same time. When he realized that they were just staring at each other, Jinyoung blinked and composed himself quickly.

“Hi!” he greeted with a smile, a nervous streak evident in his voice.

Jinyoung waited for the other’s reply but the guy remained unfazed, just staring at him. It was weird, the silence and high wired tension in the air as the other guy kept mum and Jinyoung trying to steer the conversation—or lack thereof, in his favor. In the middle of their staring contest, Jinyoung got a chance to take a look at the red haired guy’s features without the idea that he might appear as a creep.

He’s so handsome, Jinyoung thought, noticing the other boy’s perfect skin and foreign looks. His eyes roamed at the red haired boy’s cheekbones, nose, lips and chin, eye lashes that’s probably longer and thicker than his… and again, Jinyoung’s gaze landed on his eyes.

With the way the other boy was still staring at him, Jinyoung started to get really conscious. So, to get rid of that feeling, he immediately looked for a way to divert the fan’s attention.

Attempting to strike a small talk again, he said, “Thank you for coming today. I really appreciate it. Let me sign your album,” Jinyoung gestured the fan to give him the album in his hands. The red haired boy complied and gave it to him, which the idol proceeded to sign.

“What’s your name?” Jinyoung asked when he noticed that there wasn’t a sticky note with the fan’s name pasted on the album. In truth, Jinyoung can always leave their names out if they do not want to give it to him, however since he’s curious to know the red haired boy’s name and the opportunity luckily rose in his favor, he pretended to make it a requirement.

He glanced back at the fan and waited for his answer. A few seconds passed and he finally got a reply.

“Mark,” the red haired fan said, voice so deep like a baritone, uttering a simple name. “My name is Mark Tuan.”

Jinyoung nodded and started writing a dedication for Mark, secretly feeling triumphant that the boy he’s been a bit curious about finally has a name.

“You don’t look Korean, Mark. If you don’t mind me asking, what’s your nationality?” Jinyoung cautiously asked; eyes still trained on the album he was writing on. In his head he was already trying to guess the other boy’s ethnicity.

He didn’t look Korean but his features were close to that with an Asian lineage. The way he spoke Hangul was almost perfect, if it wasn’t for that hint of accent when he said his name.

“Hey, Mark, are you okay? Why aren’t you answeri—?” Jinyoung didn’t finish his question because when he glanced back at Mark, the other guy was still staring at him like he’s made to do it for the rest of his life. To be completely honest, Jinyoung didn’t mind it, he has experienced it a lot from his fans—being nervous and jittery in front of your idol can turn a person into a shocked version of themselves. However, the look Mark has whenever he would stare at Jinyoung was putting the latter in a weird sense of discomfort. All of the layers Jinyoung have, felt useless in those soft brown eyes of Mark.

“I am okay,” Mark replied, surprising Jinyoung since there was no amount of hesitance in it. Jinyoung, on the other hand, was fighting the urge to squirm on his seat with the examining gaze happening in front of him. ”How about you? Are you really okay, Jinyoung?”

“Are you really okay?”

Four simple words echoed in his ear.

“Are you really okay?”

“W-what do you mean? Of course I am okay. Why wouldn’t I be?” he replied, cursing internally for stammering like a silly fool in front of a stranger. Jinyoung, to make himself feel better, reasoned that he was just caught off guard with the sudden question, blindsiding him as he hadn’t expected that one, especially coming from a fan.

Jinyoung was about to ask Mark what made him ask that question, when the next words that left the fan’s lips made him speechless.

“If you’re really okay, then why are you screaming for help?” Mark asked, still staring at him intensely, head tilting a bit, as if doing so would give him answers.

Jinyoung opened his mouth to give a defensive reply but closed it again because he didn’t know how to answer that. If he was blindsided by the one asked to him earlier, the next had already left him puzzled. It wasn’t helping that Mark was still giving him that bone-chilling stares. Jinyoung couldn’t take the feeling whenever he would feel the red haired fan’s eyes on him; it wasn’t completely offending, but it wasn’t comfortable either. At times, he wanted to call him out for doing it, make him stop but when Mark’s not looking at him, Jinyoung feels sad—incomplete even.

Could he possibly understand? Jinyoung thought, cautiously glancing at Mark; who turned the tables and was now patiently waiting for his answer.

In that moment, Jinyoung realized something, He knows. Someone knows.

The realization made him panic. He felt exposed and vulnerable at the situation he thought he’s got under his control. For the first time in his career, the ever composed Park Jinyoung did not know how to act in front of his fan.

“Why do you care?” Jinyoung asked, voice no longer bringing the same brightness it had moments ago. He wanted to put Mark in his place and keep him at arm’s length, subtly telling him that there were lines he couldn’t cross, even if he’s an avid fan.

But for the nth time, in Jinyoung’s utter frustration and surprise, Mark had left him speechless yet again.

“I want to help and be that missing puzzle you’re looking for.” He looked confident and sure when he said that, holding Jinyoung’s right hand with his as if to reassure the idol that he’s serious, adding, “I want to save you.”

Jinyoung felt goosebumps on his skin crawl the moment the red haired touched him. He wanted to pull his hand back, scream, throw a fit and demand that Mark leave him alone. He wanted to tell him he doesn’t need saving, that he’s okay and that if there was anything Mark needed to do, that was to stop with the staring.

Jinyoung was not looking for any puzzle piece missing in his life. Everything’s perfect. Everything’s fine.

Jinyoung was saved from his thoughts by his staff when she mouthed that he needed to wrap it up with Mark since it’s time for the next fan. At that point, he wanted to laugh mirthlessly at the odd interaction he had with the red haired boy. All they ever did is stare at each other but throughout the conversation he felt like he’s been examined layer by layer, leaving him exposed and .

This is probably worse than an interrogation.

Not wanting to be branded as biased and playing favorites towards a fan, Jinyoung realized he should end the meeting with Mark.

He glanced at the other boy, ready to say goodbye, but before he could say it, Mark has already beaten him to it. “By the way, Jinyoung,” he started, standing up from the seat he had just occupied for the last ten minutes, hand reaching for his album from Jinyoung’s side of the table.

“What is it?” the idol asked, voice still rigid from the recent conversation he had with the other boy.

“I’m American-Taiwanese.”

“Huh?”

“You were asking for my nationality, right? I’m American since I was given birth in LA, but originally my family is Taiwanese, both my parents are.” Mark said, letting out an amused smile at the confused look Jinyoung’s still sporting. “That’s my answer to your question earlier.” Mark supplied to make Jinyoung understand what he’s talking about.

The idol, after finally understanding it, nodded his head, saying a quick thank you as he processed the new information given to him.

Thinking Mark was done and has already left, Jinyoung almost jumped from his seat when the former spoke again.

“And Jinyoung…” Mark whispered, Jinyoung’s name sounding oddly beautiful coming from that sensual deep voice of his as their eyes met again.

He waited, breath held.

“Happy Birthday,” Mark then said in his lowest voice, leaving Jinyoung bewildered and swimming in overwhelming thoughts of being exposed and vulnerable.

- - -

“You did good today, Jinyoung. Now, take a rest. You have an early flight tomorrow,” Jinyoung’s manager said as he turned towards the opposite end of the hall for his room, letting the younger catch up on his well-deserved sleep.

“I will, hyung. Thank you,” Jinyoung shouts back before he proceeded to enter his hotel room.

Right after his birthday fan sign, Jinyoung flew to Japan for a scheduled fan event, as well as attending another magazine photo shoot and filming a Japanese CF for a clothing line. He was gone for a week and tonight was his last in the country before he goes back to his own.

To say he was exhausted was an understatement, as Jinyoung felt his limbs and muscles aching and heavy from everything he did for the whole week that passed. He took a quick shower and immediately snuggled into the sheets to get a few hours of sleep.

The next day he’ll go back to Korea to continue his never ending activities. The next day would be just another day. Repeating and doing the same thing, going to the same places and seeing the same people. Wash, rinse, repeat.

“If you’re really okay, then why are you screaming for help?”

“I want to help and be that missing puzzle you’re looking for.”

“I want to save you.”

Jinyoung opened his eyes as he remembered those words uttered by Mark Tuan.

“Who does he think he is?” Jinyoung asked to no one in particular in the silence of the night, shaking his head in disbelief. “Save me? As if he knows anything,” Jinyoung added, scoffing in irritation.

He thought that Mark’s words were absurd—unbelievable even. But then a part of himself, the one lurking in the deepest part of his head, couldn’t help but ask the words, ‘but didn’t you ask for it, to be saved?’

With Jinyoung’s chosen career, certain sacrifices should be made. He was thankful for all the schedules and projects lined up for him by his management. He worked hard, day and night, dawn to dusk without delay. However, with busy career schedule also comes lesser personal time.

Jinyoung prepared himself that once he debuted and became an official idol he wouldn’t have the normalcy that he’s used to have growing up. His time would be limited and his actions will be calculated, especially in public.

Whenever Jinyoung would have a free time, he goes out with his family and meets the few friends that he keeps. (He’s not that sociable and with his mind set to become an idol ever since he was a kid, Jinyoung could only name a few friends that he could say he’s really close with, not that it matters to him since he’s the type who believe that he doesn’t need a lot, he just needs those who loves and understands him.)

Juggling his busy schedule as an idol and making time for family and friends, can usually end up with idol schedules and personal matters colliding. And Jinyoung being Jinyoung, couldn’t help but just apologize to his loved ones for not being able to come meet them.

He always wanted to make time for his family and friends, but when you’re an idol, a rookie at that, you have to make a lot of sacrifices in order to become successful.

He was young and he dearly misses his family, so he once tried to ask if he could get a short vacation over the weekend. It was his mother’s birthday so he thought the management would understand, even if that meant Jinyoung had to miss a certain schedule. However, his manager said,

“Having a full schedule is better than not having anything at all. You’re a rising idol Jinyoung, please know your priorities."

With a heavy heart, Jinyoung sacrificed his time and focused more on his career, if that was even more possible with the amount he just gave in for fame.

Months passed and Jinyoung’s popularity continued to surge up. His presence even more in demand for different events, he also continuously missed family gatherings and friend’s hangouts. In all fairness, Jinyoung’s family and friends understood the situation and kept telling him that it’s alright with them. But Jinyoung felt the guilt gnawing every time it happens, so he keeps on apologizing to them, always saying sorry.

Somehow, along those times, saying sorry and apologizing became a habit of his.

As was already expected, Jinyoung’s name became well-known and as years went by, he received several awards.

He’s successful. He is happy.

He was happy.

With his popularity and success, Jinyoung should be happy but then, he starts feeling the opposite.

He feels lonely.

In becoming successful, everyone doubled their anticipation and had high expectations in everything that Jinyoung does.

Jinyoung’s the type who always wanted to be number one. He always does his best in everything. He’s afraid of failing, especially when a lot started to expect greater things from him.

Jinyoung was willing to sacrifice everything since he’s afraid of disappointing people.

The kind of industry he’s in was different from normal. Everyone’s doing their best in order to be successful. People were selfish, self-centered since they always think of themselves first. They did what’s best for them even if it sometimes required that they hurt others in the process, unintentional or not.

Not everyone can be treated your friends too. There are people who will smile in front of you and yet wouldn’t hesitate to stab you in the back once you have let your guard down.

Jinyoung would sometimes end up asking himself if he chose the right thing. He had always dreamt of being a singer, a performer; an idol. But with all the experiences and knowing the real face of the industry, Jinyoung started doubting his decisions.

Jinyoung couldn’t help but ask himself if he really wanted to continue living in world where he should always, if not expected, choose a schedule over an important family and friend’s event. He kept asking himself if he’s really committed to the life of constant scrutiny. That everything he does can be manipulated as a scandal. Everything he says, even if he doesn’t mean it, could be used against him to bring him down.

Jinyoung started to question; was the life he chose really worth it?

With all those thoughts and questions swimming in his mind, Jinyoung never felt so lonely and pressured than before. He didn’t know when he started feeling trapped in a world that ironically he dreamt to be a part of.

He started to feel lost.  He started wanting a normal life, a life away from the scary world he’s current living in. He wanted to be saved, wanted to break free, thus why he wrote Mayday. His inner self was really screaming for help, for Mayday.

And he’s left with mixed feelings after hearing Mark’s bold comment about wanting to help and save him.

There’s a part of him that was happy that someone among the millions of people who listened to his song, heard his silent cry of help but at the same time he felt anxious of being exposed. He’s afraid that he’s vulnerable and that someone managed to see his weakness. Jinyoung felt like now that Mark knows, he couldn’t hide anything from him.

When he wrote the song, he wasn’t thinking of anything else aside from being true to himself. He wrote the song to express how he deeply feels in the idea that he can conceal the truth by telling everyone he’s simply trying to be poetic. Fans could ask him about it and he can easily say that even if it’s a self-composed and written song, it was a general idea and not base on his own experiences.

It made Jinyoung also wonder; who else managed to see right through his song?

He didn’t want to let others know his weakness and insecurities. He didn’t want anyone to know that he’s in a state where he’s not sure if he still wants to go on living this life he wished so bad. He didn’t want them to know that he’s having second thoughts. Because if others started questioning him, it could ruin his career and Jinyoung didn’t want that to happen.

He knew he’s contradicting himself but he can’t help it. He’s confused and lost. He’s happy someone understands him but at the same time, he’s afraid that because someone knows his inner thoughts, he’s even more in danger of being scrutinized than he was before.

In the end, Jinyoung concluded that it was foolish of him to put his secrets in a song. He should have been more careful.

Steeling himself with all the courage he could muster, Jinyoung determinedly stared back at the ceiling and let his mind make a decision.

No. He wasn’t weak. He can survive this. He didn’t need saving, most especially not from someone named Mark Tuan.

Are you sure? a part of him asked and Jinyoung immediately shook his head in response to the voice.

Mark Tuan was just a fan. He shouldn’t dwell on his empty promises that much.

That night Jinyoung dreamt of a hand pulling him out of the water.

- - -

As soon as Jinyoung arrived in Korea the next day, he was just given a little time to rest in the morning before he had to prepare for a radio schedule in the afternoon.

Arriving at the radio show, Jinyoung couldn’t help but feel anxious. He’s worried if a certain red head fan would be there too. He was on the side, scanning the crowd of fans gathered just outside the floor to ceiling glass walls at the left side of the studio.

Jinyoung’s heart started to beat faster as soon as he spotted a familiar red hair amongst the crowd.

“He’s here,” Jinyoung whispered under his breath, reeling in the reality that he’s seeing him again. He didn’t know but he felt extra conscious knowing that Mark’s there. It’s the first time they’ll see each other after his fan meeting where Mark told him he wanted to save him.

Jinyoung was in his deep thoughts that he barely heard the DJ call his name. Shaking from his stupor, Jinyoung took a deep breath and smiled, whilst telling himself to act as normal as possible.

He went to the guest chair and sat across the DJ who greeted him with her usual bright smiles.

All throughout the radio show, Jinyoung was at the edge of his seat, stressing because he couldn’t find it in himself to actually relax. True, he’s used to people watching his every move, he’s an idol and that was one of the things he signed up for, but with Mark’s presence there and the realization that the red haired fan knew of Jinyoung’s secrets made him feel exposed which instinctively made him want to close up on himself and hide.

When they had taken a few minutes of break, his and Mark’s eyes met, almost choking Jinyoung from the water he just sipped from his bottle. There, in its full glory was Mark’s stare again, the one that looks like he’s reading Jinyoung. Remembering what he said to himself that he wouldn’t let Mark think that he needed help, Jinyoung composed himself, finished drinking his water and then gave Mark a small smile.

He thought that if he starts avoiding Mark’s gaze, the latter may think that he’s guilty and affected and Jinyoung didn’t want that to happen. He’ll even fight tooth and nail just to show Mark that he’s okay and that the saving can be done by Jinyoung alone.

Right after the show ended, Jinyoung quickly bid his goodbye to the DJ, as well as the staff of the show. Upon leaving the building, his fans gathered around him and started giving them their gifts and letters.

Jinyoung’s agency was never strict when it comes to gifts and fan letters. They understood that these things cheered Jinyoung up and as long as it wasn’t too much, fans can spoil the idol a little bit.

Jinyoung accepted every letter and gifts that he could carry; some that he couldn’t hold in his grasp was passed onto his manager for him to keep in a bag that will be put in Jinyoung’s car later.

“Jinyoung-ssi. I hope you read this letter I wrote for you,” Jihyo, one of the fan girls said, pressing a paper folded heart letter on Jinyoung’s hand. He smiled brightly at her and places the letter on his chest.

“I will. I always read your letters, Jihyo-ssi.” Seeing a fan being called by the idol with his or her first name was always comical. The way their faces lit up and how their shy smiles become bright and hopeful. It’s as if the sunshine took over their faces instead. Jinyoung knew his fans felt even more appreciated when he did that, so he makes sure to memorize his fan’s faces and their names, even the things they tell him in the letters. Remembering that Jihyo was a Senior in High School, he even added, “your exams are coming up in two months, right? I hope you do well, Jihyo-ssi! Fighting!”

Hearing that made his other fans gush over the idol, praising him for his thoughtfulness and kind heart.  He’s currently thanking a fan for the gift that was just handed to him when a form from the corner of his eye caught his attention.

He started to internally have a panic attack when he realized that it was Mark, pushing his way in through the crowd with ease. Jinyoung scolded himself for feeling nervous over something so trivial.

So what if it was Mark Tuan? So what if the fan seemed to be staring at him like he’s stripping Jinyoung off of his armors? So what if it makes him feel conflicted with his feelings? So what if it makes his skin crawl? So what if he needed saving and the other boy seemed to be the only one hearing?

It’s just Mark, why are you nervous? Jinyoung continued to silently scold himself.

When the red haired boy finally reached him and stood in front of him, Jinyoung held his breath and he waited for Mark’s action.

What does he want? Jinyoung thought to himself with a gnawing paranoia filling his mind the more time Mark spent not doing anything but just stare at him. Jinyoung thought the other boy will start telling everyone his secrets, his fears, his weaknesses and ruin him forever. Beads of cold sweat started to form on his forehead and he kept on reminding himself, don’t panic, don’t panic, Jinyoung, don’t you panic.

In the middle of his inner battles, Jinyoung didn’t notice that Mark has stepped closer to him and he almost jumped out of his skin when slender fingers wrapped around his fist, opening it to place a small blue card on his slightly clammy palm. The contact was electrifying. It made every hair on Jinyoung’s arm to stand up in alarm.

What the hell was that? He asked himself as he glanced at the blue card that was now situated heavy on his palm.

A whisper interrupted Jinyoung’s thoughts. He was sure that the voice was from Mark because no one sounds so deep and melodic as that. He barely understood what the red haired boy whispered, and if there was ever a chance, he would ask Mark to repeat it. However seeing that they were surrounded by other fans waiting for their turn to interact with him, it was impossible. Besides, the other boy had already turned his back on him and walked away towards the other direction from where Jinyoung and his staff were headed.

After receiving all that he could handle, Jinyoung was then ushered towards his van where he carefully placed the bag of letters and gifts around him.

On a usual day, Jinyoung wouldn’t really read his fan letters right away, he would read it during rehearsals or before he goes to sleep. But that day, while he was staring at the little blue card, oddly mixed with a handful of girly colored paper, Jinyoung couldn’t help but read through it.

There was a design printed at the front of it, XCIII.

It’s weird. I wonder what that symbol means. Jinyoung thought to himself, while opening the card to read what’s written inside.

I’m glad to see you’re back.

-M.T.

There’s nothing special about the words. It was ordinary, clean-cut even. Jinyoung thought that fans usually say those words to their idol whenever they come back from an overseas schedule. And it’s not like he haven’t received those words before, he’s so used to it actually. But what made him feel warm reading those words was remembering the words Mark whispered to him earlier outside the radio station.

‘Welcome home, Jinyoungie.’

It’s been a while since he heard those words directed at him and he would be lying if he said that those words didn’t make him feel giddy.

He’s always doing activities outside of the country and it wasn’t surprising that his fans knew all of it. He’s sure they were always updated by his management about his schedules. Ever since Jinyoung debuted, he started living alone hence the gesture of being greeted that way had already died down years ago. He actually missed it—a lot and Mark’s words, even though it was a general almost mundane greeting, made Jinyoung feel nice, it actually made him very happy. He was happy someone looked forward to his return and was happy to welcome him back home.

Before he knew it, Jinyoung found himself letting out a wide smile.

It may not be the exact thing he wanted but somehow, with Mark and what he did, it was closer to something he’s been longing to hear.

- -

Days went by and Jinyoung continued with his routine which was attending his everyday idol schedules. Fans continued to give him gifts and letters; they loved handing it to him personally, especially on his scheduled fan meetings.

And during those times that he read the letters, he couldn’t help but recognize that small light blue card. Jinyoung knew too well that he shouldn’t be biased but he couldn’t help but to remember the card. If it was any consolation, it has a striking design and different color, so it was easier to be identified amongst the bunch of rainbow colored cards and papers.

Aside from the obvious differences in color and design, Mark’s letters were, let’s say a little bit unconventional. Jinyoung was used to the multi-paged letter his fans give him. It varies from their praises, their reminders for him to keep healthy and to eat well to their own personal stories they wished to share with him. Mark’s letters, on the other hand, were short, concise and usually straight to the point.

There was a time when Jinyoung was in a live interview before his performance, it was during his very hectic day when he’s got a full schedule that started early in the morning until that late evening performance. He’s only running from energy drinks and caffeine he consumed before coming to the venue. Jinyoung was so out of it, that he almost missed what the emcee asked him. He blinked, tracked back from their conversation and in a flick of a moment, Jinyoung with no traced of exhaustion on his face, answered the emcee with a smile.

After the event, Jinyoung immediately changed into his comfortable clothes and went straight to his van. There wasn’t enough time for him to have an interaction with his fans as he still had to wake up early the next day, so his manager instructed him to go straight home.

Eyes heavy with sleep, Jinyoung fastened his seatbelt and waited for the vehicle to move. A heavy paper bag was then placed on his lap, causing him to crack open one eye. Jinyoung gave his road manager a questioning look about it.

“Letters from fans,” his manager said, turning quickly back into his cellphone as he barked orders for the driver to hurry up so Jinyoung could sleep home.

Jinyoung found himself opening the paper and (secretly) searching for a small light blue card he’s grown familiar with. He knew full well of the indication of his actions but he couldn’t help it. It was really tempting what the other boy had to say this time. He’s sure he saw Mark earlier when he performed and as usual, the red haired boy was staring at him with that look he always gives Jinyoung, like he’s seeing right though him, only this time there was a look of genuine concern in his eyes and Jinyoung almost stopped performing when he saw that.

He opened the letter and read through the words written neatly on it.

‘You looked tired. Are you alright? Please sleep well and have a good rest.’

Having read the message, Jinyoung shook his head, and at the same time, finally letting out a smile he had been sporting since the light blue letters started coming.

 “You really can see through me, huh?” Jinyoung said out loud as he thought about Mark and his piercing gazes.

- -

JANUARY 2015

Jinyoung’s activities continued and so was the letters he’s been receiving from the red haired fan. Jinyoung didn’t know if it was just because of the length of the messages but he tended to remember all of Mark’s messages to him, especially since Mark’s messages were not the usual messages he often received.

Mark would comment on things that others wouldn’t dare say to him.

There were times that Jinyoung would make an almost noticeable mistake and he would feel down about it, thinking that he’s lacking too much so he needed to push himself more to avoid committing a mistake again. But then he’ll find Mark’s note telling him he did a good job and that he shouldn’t feel upset about his slight mistakes. After all, everybody makes a mistake and he’s not an exemption.

But Jinyoung is an idol and he couldn’t afford to make mistakes. Even with his popularity and success, he’s still not an exemption for rumors, scandals and blind items. People who are jealous were just waiting for the perfect chance to throw dirt at him. Jinyoung was usually quiet, only saying necessary things at necessary times. In his experience, it helped him a lot in avoiding creating more damage to the issue. Even though he’s being ridiculed for his shortcomings and imperfections, he opted to grit his teeth and hide it in his tough exterior he projected the world.

He’s an idol and IDOLS, even if they have been stabbed in the back, can only look forward at their fans. Since their backs have been badly scarred and mutilated, they definitely cannot look back. Because once they look back, the fans will see the wounds, and they will worry and they will cry.*

Jinyoung cannot and will not let his fans worry and cry for him. He’ll do everything just to make them happy. He’s an idol, an entertainer whose job was to make his fans happy no matter what, even if he’ll end up hurting for sacrificing himself.

But then there’s Mark; Mark whose messages always consisted of him noticing things that Jinyoung tried his hardest to hide, Mark who would always see Jinyoung’s real feelings no matter how deep he buried it, Mark whose eyes seemed to be caressing and peeling Jinyoung’s tough shell at the same time. Jinyoung hated it. He hated the fact that someone could see right through the walls he learned to build when he became an idol.

To make matters worse, Jinyoung couldn’t ignore the slight budding feeling of joy he felt whenever he gets to read Mark’s messages, because the other boy’s letters always told him the truth. Mark reminded him that there was one person who knew and understood what he really felt.

That feeling also made Jinyoung direct his anger at himself. It felt like he betrayed himself for letting the other boy crawl his way inside of his skin… his mind.

He shouldn’t start to get used to someone knowing his secrets and weaknesses. He wouldn’t admit to anyone (except himself) that he needed saving. In his mind he still needed to stand his ground, be tougher on his resolve. He couldn’t accept what Mark was offering. Although the other boy was relentless with his messages and encouragement, there was just no way will he cave in.

Pride. Jinyoung knew it was what was keeping him from succumbing to Mark’s advances. He’s an idol; he shouldn’t show his weakness and be perfect all the time. He’s an entertainer; he needs to make his fans happy even if he’s the one not feeling it.

To prove that he’s committed in standing his ground, Jinyoung decided to put Mark in his place the next time he sees him. It wasn’t long when it happened because weeks after, Jinyoung had seen the red haired fan again in a fan signing event.

He determinedly stared back into his eyes and ignored the slightly different gaze the one was giving him. Like what happened at his last fan meeting, Mark was seated in front of him, a new album on his hand. Jinyoung took it and flipped open a page. He didn’t look at it though, but opted to stay in his staring match at the other boy.

“Look, Mark-ssi. Let’s get one thing straight. I am not weak and I certainly don’t need your help. I don’t need saving. I don’t need any puzzle to complete me. I’m perfectly fine. So, please stop trying to crawl your way in because it is not going to happen,” he said in a slightly irritated tone he only uses when he’s really pissed off, the hint of satoori he’s long forgotten managed to taint his words, but he ignored it in lieu of staring back at the red haired boy. Good thing the staff and the next fan in line were a bit far from them so no one heard Jinyoung’s tirade. Jinyoung knew that Mark knew exactly what he’s talking about so to make sure he’s cutting straight through Mark, he added, “Besides, you don’t even look like you are older than I am. What do you know? What makes you think I can rely on you?”

Jinyoung was seething. His mouth must have been sporting a smile but if one could hear whatever was coming out from it, he or she would know that the idol’s annoyed. He’s sure that for a millisecond Mark’s jaw clenched tightly before he schooled his features into a brighter expression. Jinyoung would be lying if he said that it did not rile him up. Since it was the first time he had seen Mark showed something opposite of his calm demeanor, he felt the urge to try and prod the other boy again. However, seeing that he’s back into his bright smile—it only made Jinyoung want to punch his pretty face.

“All right. Seems fair,” Mark commented, smiling at him in amusement, the glint of determination in his eyes made him look enthralling. “But first of all, I never said that you’re weak. If I will be blunt, I think you’re one of the strongest idols out there.” Mark whispered, pausing for a second as he glanced around and scooted closer to him. The smell of Mark’s perfume tickled Jinyoung’s nose and it made him want to bury his face in the other boy’s chest just so he could have more of it.

“But you know,” Mark continued saying, interrupting Jinyoung’s thoughts. “Admitting it will just make you braver and stronger.”

At that, Jinyoung could only stare at him owlishly, surprised at the words that came out of his mouth again. How the other boy seemed to find the right words to render the idol speechless was beyond him—and it only annoyed the heck out of Jinyoung. He was about to make a series of a well-thought of reply when Mark spoke once again, cutting him off.

“You know, you don’t have to hide anything from me. You don’t have to pretend. You can just be yourself.”

Jinyoung’s mouth opened and closed shut. He wanted to say something in return but words fail him, all the thoughts running through his mind went completely blank. Seeing his reaction, Mark bowed and took the album Jinyoung just signed from his side of the table. The gesture making the idol felt like he’s in a déjà vu. How many times it happened, where Jinyoung looked like a silly dummy staring speechless at him, wasn’t supposed to be a norm. Jinyoung thought that the other boy was being unfair, disarming him like that all the time.

Mark was on about to leave his space in front of Jinyoung, when he gave the latter another smile, an amused one that reflected his eyes too.

“By the way, I’m a 93-liner so that makes me your hyung right, Jinyoungie?” And with that Mark finally left Jinyoung, mouth agape in surprise… once again.

“Mark hyung” Jinyoung whispered, familiarizing the name and honorific on his tongue. Realizing what he did, Jinyoung shook his head in the hopes to get ahold of himself, but he could feel the sudden warmth gracing his cheeks.

It only ignited Jinyoung’s annoyance for a certain Mark Tuan.

---

MARCH 2015

Jinyoung’s career continued to rise, new fans discover him each day—and that meant more packed up schedule, more time consumed with him feeling more exhausted and spent. But during those days, Mark had also become a constant companion to Jinyoung. The red head kept sending the idol messages which contained compliments and honest comments about the latter or his performances.

Slowly as the months passed by since Mark told Jinyoung about his intentions, Jinyoung found himself actually looking forward to reading the red head’s messages or hearing his opinion in person whenever they would meet at fan events. Somehow, Jinyoung found comfort with Mark’s words, knowing that someone understands him and notices things about him. But of course he wouldn’t dare admit what he truly feels whenever he reads his letters or hear him say things to him.

And it was because of this part of Jinyoung that he and Mark would sometimes clash. A push and pull kind of thing. Jinyoung would let Mark in, enjoy and bask in the attention the other boy gives him. He’ll open up about his worries and aspirations easily under that piercing stare Mark had only for him. But then upon realizing he had let his guard down, he’ll hold his defenses up again and pretend it was no big deal. He’ll get even more frustrated when Mark would just simply take the rejection in a cool manner, smiling while pointing out things that would put Jinyoung at a loss of words. Relaxing in Mark’s presence still gives Jinyoung mixed feelings.

Sometimes Mark would frown at Jinyoung’s sarcasm, but the red head had never actually told or showed Jinyoung that he’s mad at him. For months he and Mark continued to have those roller coaster-like interactions and during those times, Jinyoung had also learned things about Mark which he secretly filed in his mind and thought about when he’s all alone in his room at night.

Jinyoung had decided that Mark was different from the others, because aside from the fact that he was the only one who can see right through him, the red head could also let Jinyoung show his emotions unconsciously (without feeling wary that Mark would use it against him) even for a little while.

JUNE 2015

It was before Jinyoung’s summer comeback and during his fan meet tour that the strain between him and Mark happened.

He was stressed. The past few weeks were of course very hectic for him; he was barely eating, let alone sleeping because of the preparations needed for the comeback. Day and night Jinyoung could only be seen rehearsing and recording. The pressure to do even better had put him in a perpetual sour mood. It wasn’t helping that the people criticizing him were growing; pointing out his tiny mistakes and blowing it out of proportion every single time, making his self-esteem to plummet down.

Jinyoung had been finally pushed to his limits when the haters started to tie him up to malicious rumors and scandals that caused his family to be dragged in the process.

If there was one thing that could make Jinyoung weak, it was his family. True, Jinyoung’s a public figure but his family wasn’t and he felt burdened and maddened that people who hated him would go to that extent to hurt his feelings and ruin his name.

His family understood the situation and reassured Jinyoung that rumors and whatever those haters spread on the internet didn’t affect them, but he still felt frustrated for being unable to do anything to protect his family.

Physically and mentally tired, Jinyoung almost did not consider pushing through with his fan meet tour. However, he also knew it would be a big issue if he cancelled on it as people might start to speculate another false rumor about his intentions. So as motivation, Jinyoung thought about his fans’ feelings and the support they readily give him all the time. That thought had helped fueled his will to continue.

As per usual, Jinyoung made a few minutes of interaction with his fans; he would point out things he remembered about the familiar faces and welcomed new fans with a genuine smile.

He was honestly tired but wouldn’t dare show it to his beloved fans. In his mind, he felt responsible in accommodating all of them since they had never let him down since he started with his career. Jinyoung thought they deserve more, so he needed to give more.

In the midst of his musings, a familiar red haired fan sat in front of him, eyes staring worriedly at him.

Although Jinyoung knew that Mark could see right through him and understood what he feels, the impact of seeing how worried he was still surprised him. Jinyoung’s heart may have melted for the sudden warmth enveloping him but his stubborn self had refused to show how those pair of eyes staring at him with worry made him happy.

Defenses up, Jinyoung spoke, making sure his voice was laced with annoyance to cover his real feelings for the other boy’s obvious concern.

“What?” he asked, eyebrows raised at Mark. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

Instead of replying immediately, Mark stared at him a bit longer, assessing him. Jinyoung, as if on cue, found himself getting conscious at the gesture.

“You’re tired.” Mark said to him. He’s not asking but stating a fact. “Stressed is the right word actually,” the red head added causing Jinyoung to blink back at him owlishly.

What did I expect? Of course Mark noticed. I hate how he could be so observant.

“No , Sherlock,” Jinyoung deadpanned, obviously dropping the niceties and showing, for the first time, his true snarky personality on a fan.

“Jinyoung, you need to take a rest. Or if there is something bothering you, at least tell it to someone,” Mark suggested in his calm voice that was meant to put Jinyoung at ease, but the stress and annoyance were still swirling inside the latter’s chest so he took it the wrong way. Jinyoung knew he should have let his indignation slide; breathed calmly and faked a smile but he was on a roll and he couldn’t stop himself any longer.

He’s a ticking time bomb and he’s about to blow.

“Oh, that’s a good advice but who do I tell? You?” Jinyoung chuckled mirthlessly, making Mark wince. “How many times do I have to tell you I don’t need anyone’s help, let alone yours?”

“You need it. You’re just scared to admit it,” Mark pointed out in a calm manner despite his own annoyance flaring in his chest.

“I do not,” Jinyoung continued to deny. “And I am not.”

“You do and you are. Stop lying,” Mark still pointed out.

Mark’s gyrating calm voice and Jinyoung’s annoyance had finally made his insides felt like a lead had been dropped in his stomach. At that time, all Jinyoung could suddenly see was red.

“Wow, Mark! You are really outdoing yourself here. I mean, an exchange student, who is still learning a lot of things about this country, is telling me things about myself. I’m surprised you had so many time observing me when you could have spent it practicing the language, you know, so you wouldn’t be silent and staring at me mutely all the time.” Seeing Mark clenching his jaw in annoyance had riled Jinyoung to throw more insults at him.

“What do you know, Mark? You’re from the States, your family is well off and you had everything you wanted served in a silver platter. I bet you haven’t been publicly scrutinized or else you wouldn’t tell me all your positive bull crap all the time. Seriously, you don’t even know what I’m going through. Did you honestly think that because you had figured out one of my songs’ meaning, you know me already?” Jinyoung air quoted his words for emphasis, smiling maniacally at the red haired.

“News flash, Mark but that is not how it works. I don’t need help, not from you or anyone. And even if I needed it, do you really think that I’ll tell it to you? Who are you to even think that?” Jinyoung asked Mark, his eyes staring intently while he continued to eat at the red head’s reaction that was slowly becoming grimmer with every word he said.

“Tell me, what makes you think that you’re different from the others? What makes you think you’re so special?”

Jinyoung felt elated. He had finally voiced out his frustrations and directed it towards the red head. He would have smiled triumphantly but he froze on his seat after seeing the expression on Mark’s face.

Gone was the soft smile and fond but piercing gazes, instead all he could see from the one in front of him was hurt in his eyes and jaw that’s clenching hard, he could have broken it if it continued. He could see that Mark’s hands were closed in a fist, as if he’s keeping himself from punching something or Jinyoung.

Now that Jinyoung had realized the extent of the damage he caused, he felt guilt suddenly creeping in, immobilizing him.

“Jinyoung…” Mark said, his voice low and unfamiliar. It’s the first time Jinyoung heard him talk like that and he’d be lying if he said that it didn’t scare the heck out of him. “Please know that I will never force something towards you. If you do not need help… okay, I understand. I got the message loud and clear.”

Without warning, Mark stood up, chair scraping loudly on the floor as he looked down on Jinyoung who was still sitting on his chair.

“But if I am not special to you, as you continued to remind me every time you see me, stop ing looking at me like I am.” Without waiting for Jinyoung’s response and not bothering to get the album that he was supposed to sign, Mark left, walking all the way through the exit, not even looking back.

Jinyoung could only stare at his retreating back after that. He didn’t expect that their conversation would turn to something that heavy. They would argue and get into each other’s nerves sometimes, but it never got to that point where the red head walked out on him because Jinyoung had been too much. It was the first time he saw Mark got angry. It was the first time Mark had let Jinyoung see a negative side of him, in general.

And Mark was only right that he did—Jinyoung had messed up big time.

After a few minutes of staring at the door Mark exited, Jinyoung shook his head and plastered a neutral expression on his face to avoid raising unnecessary questions from the staff that were eyeing him warily from the sides, waiting for him to give the signal that he’s ready for the next fan in line. He was glad that the table he was in was mostly obscured from the fans’ eyes or else he had to explain why a certain fan walked out on him, looking pissed and ready to punch anyone.

With a heavy heart, Jinyoung continued with the event, eyes roaming around the area to check if Mark had come back and soon felt his hopes plummeting down when he couldn’t see him.

For the first time since Mark showed up in Jinyoung’s life, he felt ultimately anxious that the fan wasn’t there to see him say his ment and goodbyes.

- -

That night, even though he was tired both physically and mentally, Jinyoung found it hard to fall asleep. He kept thinking about his argument with Mark. He tried to ignore it, but remembering Mark’s eyes with anger directed at him, made Jinyoung felt worried.

He feels guilty and he tried justifying his actions.

I am stressed out. I am continuously pressured from all the expectations and hate I’d been receiving lately. Mark wasn’t helping at all. He’s making me think things and that distracted me. He could have distanced himself and stopped confusing the heck out of me! It was really all his fault, to be honest. Jinyoung thought, ignoring the glaring flash of guilt trying to grip him back.

“Who cares if he’s angry? I really don’t care. “Jinyoung said out loud, punching his pillow in frustration before he tried (read: forced) to fall asleep and forget about a certain fan named Mark Tuan.

- -

JULY 2015

The thing about being an idol, that’s both a curse and a blessing, was that even though you want to dwell on certain things happening in your life, such as examine every single thing and try to understand it, your schedule wouldn’t let you. The following days after their argument, Jinyoung momentarily forgot about Mark as he had no choice but to focus on his comeback. However, the red haired fan’s presence would mostly haunt Jinyoung at the most inconvenient time, like when he’s about to sleep or in his idle times.

He’d think about why, out of the music shows and many outdoor concerts he was a part of, he still haven’t caught a glimpse of a familiar red haired fan he grown accustomed seeing around.

At the first event he haven’t seen Mark, Jinyoung reasoned that maybe he was busy. Jinyoung knew that even though Mark’s a fan, he also had a life outside supporting him.

But this is the first time he wasn’t around ever since he started coming in, a part of Jinyoung reminded him.

Indeed, ever since he noticed and met Mark almost a year ago, the red head never missed a single activity of Jinyoung held within the country. He may have been late at some but never completely absent.

Whatever! Who cares if he shows up or not anyway? It’s not like I’m just performing for him, Jinyoung ranted in his thoughts, still trying to let himself believe that he’s not affected by Mark’s absence.

Jinyoung continued pretending it didn’t hit him hard with disappointment whenever he’d receive fan letters and he wouldn’t see the familiar light blue card with simple but sincere messages meant only for him.

Days and weeks continued to dwindle down and not a single sight or word was seen or heard from the red head.

Jinyoung, by then, started to acknowledge the hollowness forming in his heart because of Mark’s absence; a strong feeling that made him uncomfortable, made him sad, made his heart feel the pain for reasons he didn’t know why. He continued to make excuses for Mark, telling himself that the other boy was just very busy and preoccupied with more important things than attending his event. Jinyoung knew and accepted the fact that sometimes fans couldn’t really attend their favorite idols’ activities. It happens.

He kept telling himself that.

As Jinyoung’s comeback got nearer, he started to feel more nervous. Whether it’s about how his songs will fare on the charts or if it had something to do with a certain red haired fan, Jinyoung doesn’t know.

But he soon understood why.

Jinyoung’s comeback date had finally come before his eyes and he performed his showcase on the night his album was scheduled to be released. Jinyoung expected and hoped that Mark would be there in the midst of the screaming fans. The stares and small smiles would definitely be directed back at him again. But then, the show started and ended without any trace of Mark. His eyes roamed around, examined every single face in the crowd, just to be sure, however, Mark wasn’t really there.

Jinyoung somewhat felt confused when he realized that he had started hoping to stare back at the pair of eyes that used to look at him tenderly, when a month ago he asked for it to be gone.

Feeling frustrated with his feelings bubbling up inside his chest, Jinyoung started typing away his worries on the Notes on his phone, where he could really be himself without anyone judging his stupid emotions and past decisions.

 

Entry 1

I won today!

I’m glad the managers and coordi-noonas’ efforts paid off. They deserve to receive the award with me since they worked harder for this comeback. It is nice that our company gave us time to celebrate a small feast tonight, letting us relax, even just for a while.

I was looking around the whole place, around the people with me tonight and realized something.

I could have drank more soju. I could have eaten more meat. I could have stayed with the laughing people longer.

But somehow, I don’t really feel like celebrating anymore.

I feel so tired so maybe I will just sleep. It will be better since I have a schedule for tomorrow anyway.

I just wonder… Where is he right now? Does he… think of me?

 

Entry 2

I hate this feeling I couldn’t seem to shake off.

It’s my 2^nd win and I should be happy right now. Besides, my album is getting an all-kill the whole week!

People are congratulating me. The managers and staff kept telling me I did a great job. My parents even called me a while ago just to congratulate me and reminded me to take a rest and eat healthily. I should feel lighter and yet… I feel burdened.

His angry face kept on replaying on my mind and I don’t want to feel bad about it but I am.

Ahhh! This is frustrating.

 

Entry 3

Okay this is getting out of hand. If he’s mad at me and is using this chance to get at me then fine! He thinks I need him? I don’t. Like I said, I don’t need saving, I can handle my battles myself. I don’t care if he even comes back or not! I hate him!

 

Entry 4

Okay, I’m sorry. I take that back. I don’t hate him. Just a little frustrated because he’s still missing. I still don’t care if he comes back or not though!!

 

Entry 5

I won again and I was forced to do something silly on stage today because I promised my fans I’d do aegyo if I win thrice. I don’t know what came over me but I kept laughing so hard at myself. My stomach hurt so much now.

 

I wonder if he watched me today.

 

Entry 6

4^th win today.

My lips hurt so much because I kept biting it so I wouldn’t cry in front of so many people.

A while ago, when I was giving my Thank You speech, I can’t help but look around the fans. I keep trying to finding him, hoping he’s there, staring and smiling at me like he usually do. It is not that big of a deal, really. It’s not that I miss him, I just… it has been so long and I feel anxious without feeling him around.

He said he’d save me, so where is he?

 

Entry 7

I got my 5^th win today.

It is embarrassing because I couldn’t help it anymore. I cried back stage and I don’t even know why. Maybe I was really overwhelmed, maybe I was exhausted or maybe I just really missed him but I don’t even want to think about it. And yes, I just said I missed him.

Let us not dwell on it!!

It’s so annoying to think that I got so used to him now that I would always find him in the crowd or try to spot his annoying red hair. I’m on the verge of pulling my hair put of my head because it’s so frustrating. Did something bad happened to him? Did he get into an accident that’s why he’s no longer showing up? I’m so worried about him, why do I even do this?

Freaking Mark Tuan.

 

Entry 8

Why do I feel so sad looking at those fan letters? There are still so many to choose from and to read. There are lot of encouragements and stories from all of my fans. I’m sure there is one that will surely entertain me and probably make me laugh or cry. I have at least a hundred to choose from.

So why am I feeling depressed over one that is missing?

When did I start anticipating that small light blue card?

 

Entry 9

I don’t know what to do anymore. My staff are starting to notice that something’s wrong with me. They keep telling me to eat, to sleep more because apparently the dark circle under my eyes required half of Sora-noona’s concealer stick. She’s hating on me because at the rate I’m going, I’ll use up all of it.

One of my managers even shoved food on my mouth a while ago, saying I’ll pass out if I don’t eat anything. I just didn’t let her notice that I sadly threw it all up a few minutes later. My stomach had decided it wouldn’t keep in food, hence my throwing up spree whenever I would eat.

I feel so sick.

This guilt is really killing me.

 

AUGUST 2015

Jinyoung’s last stage commenced. He performed with his remaining strength, with voice straining and muscles hurting from the numerous performances he did for the last two months. In his goodbye stage, he won for the last time, surprising everyone, including Jinyoung because it was truly a successful comeback since he almost won at all the shows.

The fans cheered loudly when the charts showed his numbers.

“Congratulations, Park Jinyoung! Please give a little speech,” the emcee announces happily while handing the microphone and trophy towards him.

Receiving the award with a small smile, Jinyoung then went on with his thank you speech. He started thanking everyone on his list, from his family and friends, to the management, the ones who helped him with his album and lastly his fans who never failed on supporting him.

Jinyoung of course was happy about the success of his comeback. He really felt happy, but at the same time he felt that something was definitely missing. Like his happiness wasn’t complete and he couldn’t help but think that Mark was the reason for it.

He continued with his speech and as he looked at his fans, remembering all of their faces but not seeing Mark’s familiar face, not looking at those eyes who gave him the assurance that he did good, not seeing the person who knew the real him, Jinyoung started to realize something.

Fans are essential for an idol.

An idol is nothing without his or her fans thus idols should treat their fans with love and care. That idol should be thankful for everything his or her fans do and will do because they will always be there to support their idol, no matter what.

But then at the same time, Jinyoung also realized that by the end of the day, his fans were only a group of people that was there because of his good looks and talent and never entirely about him as a person. That even though they dedicated their time and effort for him, deep inside, he knew that if his fans discovered the real Jinyoung, they wouldn’t like who they’ll see and leave his side.

And with Mark’s disappearance after their argument, Jinyoung couldn’t help but think that because Mark finally saw the real him, the red head decided to leave because he didn’t like what he saw. Mark left because he saw that Jinyoung’s no longer worth saving.

Jinyoung didn’t even realize that tears started falling from his eyes and he stopped speaking. He was hurting and he couldn’t stop himself from crying. Even though he’s holding a trophy that signified the success of his song and was surrounded with people who supported him, the impact of Mark’s disappearance was too strong that it continued to overwhelm him.

Jinyoung never felt so alone. He never felt so lonely.

The emcees of the show gave him a worried look as they waited for their cue to intervene. Noticing this from the corner of his eye, Jinyoung quickly pulled his bearings and continued with his speech, thanking the rest of his fans, pretending that the tears flowing freely on his eyes were tears of joy.

That night as he lie on his bed, Jinyoung cried his heart out, thinking that the reason he’s not seeing Mark anymore was because he finally gave up on him and it hurt more to know that there was no one to blame but him.

- - -

I like him.

Jinyoung finally admitted one day, in the middle of his dance rehearsal for his upcoming concert tour. It wasn’t enlightening like people always portrayed in the movies where slow motion and mind explosions were involved. It was just a peaceful realization that Jinyoung could no longer mask the truth that he liked Mark Tuan. If his extreme longing for the other boy’s presence was any indication.

Jinyoung remembered that ever since the first time he and Mark talked, Jinyoung became more aware of him; his stares, his touch, his adorable laugh and his deep voice. Jinyoung slowly started to look forward reading Mark’s messages. He couldn’t stop thinking about it and found warmth from them despite being so short. Jinyoung started to loosening up around Mark, letting his guards down and finally sharing some stuff he only told his closest friends. Of course he still refused to admit that he needed help, since he’s stubborn like that, but eventually, the red head finally made him surrender.

Those fan meets and fan signs where Jinyoung would momentarily have time to talk with Mark had suddenly become his favorite to reminisce on. Back then, when Mark was still around, their topic would usually steer away from Jinyoung’s idol life. Instead he and Mark would often talk about mundane things and everything under the sun.

In the process, Jinyoung started to know Mark. He found out that the red head was an exchange student and was living alone in Korea. He’s an architecture student and the light blue card’s design he’s been putting diligently was the year he was born.

With Mark being persistent on wanting to help and be Jinyoung’s savior, the latter started to unconsciously relax in the presence of the former, looking for him in events and feeling secured that he’s there, watching him—not that Jinyoung will admit it to Mark, even if he was conscious of his actions.

The red haired fan was such a mystery to him. And now, in his absence, Jinyoung became even more curious of him. He wanted to know (since Jinyoung had failed to ask because of his irrational fear of getting attached) how and why Mark became his fan.

No, Jinyoung didn’t need anyone. And yet he couldn’t help but blindly depend on Mark. He said he didn’t need his help but the way the red haired made him smile and feel motivated with his messages and flat out jokes, thinking about it now, Jinyoung didn’t know if he really meant what he said.

He was a walking contradiction, pushing and pulling until he became indecisive and somewhat abusive.

And now that Mark left, Jinyoung finally admitted that Mark slowly managed to crawl on his way inside his life and also his heart.

 

With the realization of his then newly discovered feelings for the red haired fan, Jinyoung’s longing for Mark strengthened. He wanted to see him. Jinyoung heart hurts just by thinking that the last memory they had was that fan sign where they had that heated argument.

He missed Mark. He missed Mark’s sincere messages, his cool response whenever Jinyoung would show his fake annoyance at him, he missed his stares (surprisingly so), and he missed Mark’s tender smile that Jinyoung thinks, was only reserved for him.

Jinyoung missed Mark so bad, so bad that it makes him cry at night just by thinking that he’ll never see Mark again and that it was his fault Mark finally gave up on him.

- - -

SEPTEMBER 2015

When the second week of September rolled by, Jinyoung had also started with his concert tour. Nervous as always for the first day, he took a few moments internalizing and preparing himself for the stage. In his mind, Jinyoung kept reminding himself that he’s okay and the he will do okay. His heart was still not in a good condition as it was still in pain from Mark’s absence. Jinyoung’s dreams about drowning became more often, haunting him every night, waking him up with a start. And even awake, Jinyoung could feel the lack of air—similar to drowning, torturing him every day. Deep inside him, despite of all the successes he got, there’s still someone he yearned to see and yet he didn’t know where to find him.

Hearing the production staff calling him for his in-ear, Jinyoung slowly shook his head and reminded himself to act professional and disregard personal feelings that wouldn’t help him deliver a great performance that night.

A few minutes passed and Jinyoung was standing behind the curtains, body shaking in anticipation and surge of adrenaline. And then he saw the signal; he’ll be appearing on stage, in 5 seconds. 

5…4…3…

Jinyoung took a deep breath, shaking his hands to calm his nerves that were skyrocketing with more excitement.

2..1…

Jinyoung plastered a smile as soon as the curtains dropped and the bright lights were all trained on him. A thunder of cheers and applause welcomed Jinyoung. His fans started chanting his name, raising their banners and fans in excitement. Momentarily blinded by the spotlight beaming at his face, Jinyoung blinked a few times before giving the cue to start his song; a ballad about two people meeting again. As soon as his eyes adjusted from the lights, Jinyoung gazed at his fans that were already singing along with him while their light sticks were raised, swaying to the melody.

It made him smile. The response of his fans could always be defined as enthusiastic. They were still passionate and full of love for him even after all those years. It made Jinyoung feel like choking up from mixed emotions.

Remembering his cue on the song, Jinyoung walked over the lower stage, closer to where the VVIP fans were, holding out his hands to shake theirs. He felt overwhelmed to see them crying and cheering for him. There were the people who loved him despite his imperfections. They probably knew Jinyoung’s weaknesses or maybe not, but what was important for him right now was they chose to stay—to stay and never leave Jinyoung.

He would have stayed if you haven’t pushed him away, you know?

Jinyoung was about to walk towards the other part of the stage when he suddenly froze on his place and stumbled over the lyrics. The instrumental and back tracking of his voice continued to play but Jinyoung was left dumbstruck, tears forming in his eyes.

Why? Because the familiar red haired fan he longed to see for the past 2 months, the reason why his heart was in perpetual pain, was right in front of him, standing amongst the crowd and smiling, even freaking holding Jinyoung’s official light stick.

In Jinyoung’s mind, he had already run towards Mark; hugged him, punched his face or anything that would have proven that the red haired fan was real and not a figment of his imagination. Their eyes met and in a heartbeat, Mark smiled at him, gesturing for him to continue singing, which Jinyoung did, feigning his stumble as a mere emotional moment.

Seeing Mark there, Jinyoung then had a revelation. He finally realized that Mark had slowly become a constant in his life, and that the budding feeling of happiness whenever he sees the red haired boy had become something more.

That was why he terribly missed Mark when the latter disappeared. Jinyoung had gone crazy without Mark, who had taught him how to be grounded and calm in the midst of all his problems and issues. He had slowly started to lean on the other boy and depended on him unknowingly. With that being said, all of Jinyoung’s inhibitions from being saved were all for naught, since Mark had already started saving Jinyoung without the idol actually knowing.

All of the pain he felt for the past few months, melted together with the words of the song he’s singing. He continued his performance professionally, entertaining the fans cheering for him.

Well, Jinyoung may have sneaked a few glances here and there to look at Mark, hoping his eyes and song were enough for the red haired boy to know his feelings he had just discovered.

Jinyoung has fallen for Mark Tuan.

Seeing the smile gracing Mark’s lips and that familiar proud stare the red haired used to give him, Jinyoung kept the gaze for a little while longer.

That night, Jinyoung performed passionately in front his many fans, and dedicating the most of it to that one special red haired fan whom he had fallen in love with. 

---

“Here you go,” Sora said as soon as Jinyoung has been alone in his dressing room, throwing a paper bag on his lap while he’s sitting on the couch to take a breather.

“What’s this? Jinyoung asked, eyeing the paper bag and its contents. He’s too tired to even check it for himself.

Sora sighed dramatically and sat next to him. ,”Those are fan letters. I have been bombarded by them on my way backstage. Gosh, Jinyoung, your fans are crazy—"

Hearing that it was fan letters that were inside the bag, Jinyoung rummage through it and smiled widely when he saw the familiar small blue card that’s been missing through the pile for months.

Jinyoung opened the card immediately and read its contents, “You were great, as always. Congratulations!”

Six words and Jinyoung felt ecstatic. He’s so happy he didn’t know if he could sleep that night. Jinyoung’s still smiling when his thoughts were interrupted by his stylist.

“You look happy. The card must’ve cheered you a lot,” Sora pointed out.

Jinyoung realizing he wasn’t alone stammered as he tried to deny and defend himself.

“You’re so cute. You look like a culprit that was caught on the spot,” Sora commented, laughing at him heartily.

“I… It’s… It’s a normal thing; you know just a fan cheering their idol,” Jinyoung mentally cursed as he stumbled on his words.

“Relax Jinyoungie. I’m not saying it as a bad thing. More than ever, I’m glad that you’re smiling again,” Sora said, smiling genuinely at him which he answered by a wide smile of his own.

“Thank you noona,” Jinyoung said, bumping shoulders with the petite woman as she continued to about the card Mark gave him.

- -

Days have passed and Mark became a staple figure in Jinyoung’s events once more. His stares and watchful eye continued to be Jinyoung’s guidance and motivation to see through the day, even those that left him exhausted and drained. Although they haven’t talked about the last time they met and got into a heated argument, Jinyoung still felt glad Mark’s back and he’s attending his events again.

It was in another fan meet that they managed to talk again. As usual, it started with Jinyoung singing and dancing for his fans for a while, talking and playing games while laughing heartily. Jinyoung felt the tips of his fingers tingling with anticipation as the time to talk with his fans (read: Mark) finally came.

As Mark slowly walks towards him, a new album in his hands, Jinyoung could feel his heart beat faster. He didn’t know how to act or what to say first. It’s supposed to be him who should be confident in this situation but when it comes to Mark, Jinyoung turns into a whole new different person.

“Hmmm? Not even gonna say hi to me?” Mark asked teasingly when he wouldn’t utter anything even after the red head had sat down in front of him. Hearing the lilt in Mark’s voice soothed Jinyoung’s jitters, realizing that maybe Mark had forgiven him and wanted to be friends with him sill. Jinyoung let out the breath he’s been holding.

“W-what?”

Mark shook his head, chuckling lightly he said, “I was gone for two months and you’re all quiet now. Where’s the feisty Jinyoung that I know?” Mark asks with an amused smile on his lips.

Jinyoung realizing that the other boy’s ready to go back to how they used to be, felt a surge of relief in his bones, which made him bolder in his statements.

“Gone for two months and nothing has changed, you’re still annoying,” Jinyoung pointed out, smiling to lessen the bite of his words.

Hearing his reply, Mark laughed once again.

“There, that’s the Jinyoung that I know.” Mark said, scooting closer to the younger, adding, “Congratulations on your new album, by the way. How’s being at top of the charts?”

Jinyoung then felt the guilt rushing through him. He couldn’t shake off the feeling like he’s being a hypocrite for talking to Mark as if nothing’s wrong between them. He knew the other boy no longer treats it as a big deal, but for Jinyoung, who had developed special feelings for Mark, it’s a big deal for him to set it right.

Jinyoung’s expression changes and Mark of course noticed it.

“Is there something wrong?” Mark asks in a concerned tone which Jinyoung didn’t fail to notice.

“I’m confused and relieved at the same time.” Jinyoung said. He figures out that since he was in the wrong he should be honest. It’s now or never.

“Confused and relieved on what?” Mark asked.

“After what happened last time, I seriously thought I won’t be seeing you anymore. Well, you actually disappeared so…” Jinyoung trailed off when he noticed Mark’s confused expression.

“Last time?” Mark repeated, expression not changing.

“Yes, the last time we’ve met? Don’t you remember? I was in a bad mood, I snapped at you, you got mad and left,” Jinyoung supplied hoping Mark could recall easily.

But Mark merely blinked back at him, once, twice, thrice before Jinyoung finally saw a recollection in his face.

“Ohh that one. What about it?” Mark asked.

Jinyoung almost smacked Mark in the head when he heard his reply. He was upset for the whole time Mark was gone and now he’s asking him what about it?

“Didn’t you hear what I just said?” Jinyoung asked.

“As a matter of fact, I did. Loud and clear. So I’m asking what about it?”

Jinyoung wants to pull his hair in frustration. Mark being oblivious of his despair for the last few months was starting to annoy him. How could he be so composed when Jinyoung almost broke down with worry for him?

“I said I was in a bad mood, I snapped and you got mad and left,” Jinyoung repeated in frustration.

“I get it, you were in a bad mood, I was mad but that was already two months ago. I almost forgotten about it actually,” Mark said cooly, smiling widely at him.

“If you’ve forgotten about it then how come I didn’t see you for the past two months? You had me thinking you’re still mad at me that’s why I am not seeing you. I really thought I’ll never see you again,” Jinyoung hissed.

Mark nodded thoughtfully. “Well I wasn’t really mad at you, I got annoyed but not mad. You’re stubborn and I got to admit, I needed to cool off which is why I left. But me, disappearing for two months didn’t mean I was mad at you. I’m not the petty,” Mark explained.

Jinyoung stared at Mark, wanting him to explain further.

“I got an urgent call from my parents. They said I needed to go back home, so I went back to LA. They said there was an emergency about my niece, only to find out it was a prank. My dad’s a really good prankster. I have to admit. Anyway, they just want me to go home early because they already had plans for vacation.”

Jinyoung realizing he was worrying for nothing, finally let out a relieved sigh. He felt like a bubble that suddenly deflated from all of that stress carved up from Mark’s absence.

“Now that we’re talking about it, aren’t you forgetting something Jinyoungie?” Mark then asked, interrupting his musings.

“What do you mean?” Jinyoung replied, confused.

“Well, as you were saying earlier, you were in a bad mood and you snapped at me when I was just trying to be nice to you. Didn’t you owe me something?” Mark said, teasing.

Hearing the teasing tone made Jinyoung snort, but remembering that he was at fault Jinyoung caved in and apologized.

“Alright, I’m sorry,” Jinyoung finally said, looking at anything except Mark.

“Look at me when you say it Jinyoung,” the older boy commanded and Jinyoung couldn’t help but follow him.

Jinyoung takes a deep breath before he looked Mark straight in the eye and repeated his apology.

“I’m sorry. I was in the wrong. Sorry for yelling at you when you were trying to help,” he said.

 “See, that wasn’t so bad, isn’t it? I accept your apology,” Mark said, smiling at him.

Jinyoung nodded, finally relieved that he and Mark were finally okay.

And then Mark’s lips curve into a smirk and Jinyoung almost got scared with it wondering what will Mark do next.

“Can I ask you something?” the red haired asked, eye mischievous and playful.

“What is it?” Jinyoung asked back, heart hammering in his chest because of the smile Mark’s sporting.

“Well, since we haven’t seen each other for two months… did you miss me?” Mark asked boldly.

Jinyoung should be annoyed with the question, he should tell Mark to stop teasing him, but instead of getting annoyed Jinyoung just blushed so hard and can only gape at Mark’s question.

Seeing the blushing face of the younger, Mark chuckled and turned towards the staff who’s now motioning him to end the conversation.

“Hmm… no need to answer me, I think I knew your answer to that,” Mark declared now standing up to let the next fan talk to the idol.

Jinyoung tried to protest, tried to deny the answer Mark conjured, but the latter just shook his head at him and proceeded to leave to let the next fan have her time with Jinyoung. But before he left he whispers something that made Jinyoung’s face blush harder.

“It’s okay. I feel the same. I missed you too. See you, Jinyoungie!”

- - -

Being an idol, as Jinyoung had realized required sacrifices. He couldn’t easily see friends outside of work, sometimes meeting up with people he knew would just be squeezed in between the breaks of his packed up schedules. The words let’s catch up weren’t really plausible. Jiinyoung has very few friends, so it’s not a surprise that he also never dated anyone before. How could one date when his schedule wouldn’t allow him to meet even just his friends in the first place?

Most of Jinyoung’s dinner and lunch would be with either Sora or his manager. And it wasn’t unusual for them to meet somewhere downtown, a noodle shop they frequently go to since the stylist is friends with the owner and Jinyoung can retain his freedom there without having to be too obscure. The stylist has been a staple person in his life, having been the person beside Jinyoung throughout his career ever since he debuted. The fans know her, even idolized her style and fierce personality that only comes out when Jinyoung’s welfare is concerned. She’s like Jinyoung’s older sister, adding up to the two others he already has.

“Yes, I’m at the entrance. Nayeon’s ushering me inside,” Jinyoung told Sora on the phone, as he was being ushered inside a private room, carpet plush under his bare feet.

“Noona I am hungry! Have you ordered my usual—Oh!” Jinyoung was unable to continue whatever it was he’s about to say, because the person who’s supposedly sitting at Sora’s place was none other than Mark Tuan, right in the flesh with expression mirroring Jinyoung’s.

“W-What are you doing here? Where is Sora noona?” he asked, internally shaking his initial shock in seeing the red haired boy inside the private room Sora usually reserves for them.

Why the hell is he here? Am I ushered at the wrong room? Who is he with? Am I interrupting his date or something? Was there a mixup?

Before Mark could supply an answer to Jinyoung, Sora already entered the room, pushing Jinyoung to sit across the other boy while she settled beside the idol.

“I’m here and I invited him,” Sora said motioning Nayeon to give them the menu, while she plied the two boys to choose whatever they want, forcing Mark to order something when he said he wasn’t hungry.

“But why did you invite him?”, Jinyoung subtly whispered, eyeing Mark in front of him warily, feeling totally uneasy being in close proximity with the older boy.

“Why not? He’s your fan and I think he’s a good person. I want to get to know him,” Sora explained, not bothering to lower her voice and keep it as subtle as Jinyoung aimed to do.

“Noona!” Jinyoung said protesting, already embarrassed that he has to eat in front of Mark and now the other boy knew he’s uncomfortable in such situation.

“Dongsaeng, I invited him and he said yes. So I guess its okay. And besides, he’s almost around your age. You’re both familiar with each other since he always attends your activities. I saw you two interacting too. So what’s better than at least trying to get to know each other much better?” Sora asked, glancing at Mark as if asking for confirmation. Jinyoung turned towards him as well and saw him shrug, smiling awkwardly at him and Sora.

“So that’s settled then! Boys, lets or—“ Sora was then interrupted by her phone ringing loudly inside her pocket. She glanced at both Mark and Jinyoung. “Oops! I need to answer this call. Jinyoungie, just order whatever you like. Mark, we’re friends with the owner of this place so please eat comfortably.” Now turning to the petite girl watching their unique interaction with a smile, Sora said, “,Nayeon, dear, just take their order, don’t ever give them the bill. Thank you! I will be back!”

Like a hurricane that came and left, Sora’s voice can no longer fill the room for Jinyoung and Mark. Both of them were left gaping at the door which the older woman exited, feeling like they were pushed towards the Lion’s den, both clueless and awkward with each other.

It was a saving grace that Nayeon was there to fill in the awkward silence, asking them of their orders like the interaction between the two boys she’s with wasn’t comical to watch. The girl was professional, keeping a straight face and only smiling when necessary. But it wasn’t long until she had to go out and leave them alone to fend for themselves.

The echoes of their breathing and slight movements could be heard, magnifying the embarrassing tension between them.

Jinyoung feeling suffocated from the silence spoke after a minute.

“I’m sorry about Sora noona. I didn’t know what she’s thinking by doing this,” Jinyoung whispered, voice low and eyes looking anywhere but Mark.

“Doing what? Inviting me for lunch?”

Jinyoung glanced at Mark and nodded his head in response.

The older boy sighed good heartedly and chuckled. “Well it’s unusual to be invited like this but I am thankful for the opportunity actually,” Mark admitted honestly.

“You are?” Jinyoung asked unbelievingly.

“Yeah, it’s not everyday that you’re given an opportunity to see the person you want to talk to. Let alone an idol,” Mark replied, making Jinyoung smile shyly.

Clearing his throat, Jinyoung tried to divert the attention away from him and his burning cheeks. “When did she invite you here anyway?”

If Mark knew Jinyoung’s intention in changing the subject or not, he did not show. He just smiled and him and shrugged his shoulders. “She asked me during you last event I attended. I thought it’s going to be just the two of us since she said she wanted to tell me something about you. I guess she was really planning on introducing us formally.”

Another pregnant pause were left between them. Jinyoung being left speechless by Mark’s honesty and Mark waiting for Jinyoung’s guidance on the whole conversation.

Minutes passed and it was Mark who broke the silence.

“Why are you being like this?”

“What do you mean? Jinyoung asked, confused by the question.

“You’re too quiet. Is there a problem?” Mark inquired, feeling slightly worried about the younger as he continued to asses him through his eyes. “Are you feeling awkward around me?”

“I’m not!” Jinyoung tried to deny, words sputtering out of his mouth.

“Jinyoung, don’t be mad at me, but you’re quite easy to read, at least for me. I know when something has changed or something is bothering you. If it has anything to do with what happened between us before I left, can we just forget about it? You were having a bad day. You apologized for it and I forgive you.  How about we start all over again? How about we do this the right way?” Mark shuffled his legs beneath his and extended his right arm towards Jinyoung, eyes glinting with mischievousness that looked down right beautiful under the dimmed lights of the private room they’re in.

“Hi, my name is Mark Tuan. It’s nice to meet you. I’m a Taiwanese-American exchange student here in Korea, taking Architecture and I want save you.”

Jinyoung stared back at him, mouth agape before it turned into a lopsided grin he couldn’t help keep in. He took the hand extended towards him, shaking it in return saying,

“I’m Park Jinyoung. A Korean Artist. I don’t know what you’re talking about the saving thing, but nice to meet you too.”

 

The night went on smoothly after that, both of them falling into easy conversations about themselves. When Sora came back from her call, what welcomed her was a total opposite of what she last saw when she left. Jinyoung was already relaxed to the point that he was now leaning closer towards Mark, cheeks flushed red from the alcohol they consumed.

In the middle of their conversation, Mark suddenly turned to Sora, face serious and determined as he asked, “Sora noona, can I ask for Jinyoung’s number? I promise I won’t do something bad, I just want to be closer to him.”

It was funny, how Jinyoung’s jaw dropped together with his chopsticks, clanging loudly on the table, making a scene. Sora chuckled and immediately took Mark’s phone to key in the idol’s private number. Jinyoung realizing this, instantly protested at the older woman.

“Noona! I am right here beside you. You can’t just give out my number like that! And you,” Jinyoung pointed his finger at Mark. “I’m here so can’t you just ask me directly?”

“What? You’re close with Mark already. Stop acting coy,” Sora teased, brows wiggling playfully.

Mark laughed at them, thanking Sora as he saved Jinyoung’s number on his phone.

Jinyoung merely shook his head in exasperation when Sora continued to laugh while Mark beamed at him like he’s been given the greatest gift there was.

 

For the next days, despite Jinyoung’s fake annoyance, he and Mark started exchanging messages to each other. It all started with awkward good mornings and goodnights to full blown texts and calls that sometimes last until morning.

Jinyoung slowly started opening up to Mark, getting more comfortable talking to the older about his personal life. Soon their messages to each other evolved to sending pictures and eventually calling each other especially before sleeping. They would usually meet up with Sora for lunch or dinner, having the pretense that it’s not a date when clearly it is.

- - -

It was Winter break when they first had the time to be apart for more than a week. Mark had to go back to LA to meet up with his family and celebrate the Christmas season with them. It’s through video calls where they sustained their communication, Mark calling Jinyoung late at night in LA to catch up with him before the idol has to go through his morning schedules.

“Hyung, you should sleep. It’s late over there isn’t it?” Jinyoung said, pouting when Mark shook his head in response.

“I just want to talk to you a little more. I miss you,” Mark replied, face deadpan like he didn’t just created a riot inside Jinyoung’s chest.

That whole day, Jinyoung had a perpetual smile plastered on his face that even their company’s CEO asked if there was something wrong with him.

---

 

It was around New Year when Jinyoung and his management released a doll version of him. Its eyes sporting his signature eye whiskers and preppy fashion style. The doll immediately sells out the moment it was released. His fans loved taking the doll with them and showing it to him during fansigns. Jinyoung always feels shy whenever they do that since they would tell him much he looked like the doll.

To add more to Jinyoung’s popularity, his company encouraged him to do Vlive and fan talk on his Twitter account. It promoted more interaction with his fans and they get to know more about him. Every time he did his Vlives, there’s a certain fan that never failed to leave a comment totally different from the others. Because while everyone’s asking him to say Hi to their country and ask about where he is, that person would ask him how he is doing and if he’s eating well.

Jinyoung wouldn’t fail to point out that it was Mark since the username’s mtuanxciii.

It was on those little thoughtful things where Jinyoung continued to fell harder and harder for Mark.

- - -

2016

It was Valentine’s Day when Jinyoung saw Mark once again. The older just got back from his winter break and attended Jinyoung’s Valentine’s Day fan meet. After the whole event, Mark was lead backstage by Sora, letting him in the idol’s private room.

“Hi, Jinyoungie!” Mark greeted him, looking even better with his slight tan and beaming smile. He looked like the typical American boy and Jinyoung thought to himself why Mark never tried out to be an idol, he could have rivaled Jinyoung’s looks.

“Hello hyung. You’re back,” Jinyoung greeted casually, in his breath when Mark sat beside him on the couch., putting his arm around his shoulders like it’s no big deal.

A huge bag was placed in front of Jinyoung, heavy and it looked like it was filled to the brim. Jinyoung looked puzzled at Mark while the former merely grinned at him.

“Happy Valentine’s day Jinyoungie!” Mark said.

“What is it?” Jinyoung curiously asked, eyeing the package carefully.

Mark leaned closer, surprising Jinyoung when he felt his breath on his ear. The close proximity was making Jinyoung’s heart beat faster.

“Chocolates,” Mark whispered and then gave him a wink.

Jinyoung could only open his mouth in an attempt to reply but no words would come out. It was another day where Mark rendered him speechless.

Jinyoung could only smile.

Later that night, Jinyoung found himself in a good mood, feeling happy and inspired. He’s actually writing a new song that he wanted to include to his new album, while munching on the chocolates that he received from Mark.

- -

Jinyoung and Mark continued with their new found friendship. They got closer as days go by and together with that, Jinyoung’s feelings intensified. He acknowledged the fact that he’s in love with Mark but he clearly knew his limitations and the complications it would bring him, and so he promised himself not to do anything about it. He just hoped that in time he’ll be able to forget what he’s feeling for Mark and that he could go back to being indifferent to the other boy. As if that’s even possible that now even his parents know who Mark is.

Aside from always communicating with each other, Jinyoung and Mark started to spend more time together. Sometimes Sora would join them, but it finally came into the point where the excuse of being with Sora was no longer needed for them to go out and hang out together. Mark had also started visiting Jinyoung in his apartment, bringing in food and watching movies together. It was domestic how the two of them would cook food side by side and eat it on the couch while they watch children’s movie which Mark loved so much.

There were times wherein they will fall into a comfortable silence with Jinyoung reading a book while Mark’s head is on the former’s lap, playing games on his phone and eventually falling into a long nap.

Mark would also play as Jinyoung’s emotional punching bag when the pressure of being an idol becomes too much for him to handle. He will buy him ice cream and ply him to eat it and cheer him up. He would also sometimes haul him up to clear his mind on his way to buy his own ice cream, with Mark walking behind him.

It was during those times they hangout together that Jinyoung’s worries and inhibitions fade into nothing, Mark replacing it with his beaming smile and cute little laugh that had become music to Jinyoung’s ears.

 

Months passed and September finally came. It’s Jinyoung’s birth month but he can barely remember it since his schedule was again so hectic he has no time even to take a breather. All Jinyoung hoped for that month was to see his family and friends, take a whole day of rest and talk to Mark.

It was after a particular outside event with other artist that Jinyoung felt like crying from too much stress. He looked like a walking dead person on his way to his apartment, limbs heavy from exhaustion. Sora was behind him, holding his body upright as she guided him towards his room. When she’s sure Jinyoung was situated well on the couch, she hastily said goodbye and left.

Jinyoung basked in the silence, letting his mind swim away from his activities as he closed his eyes.

“Happy Birthday to you~” someone suddenly sang from behind him, making him jump from shock and fear for his life. Turning around Jinyoung saw Mark’s smiling face illuminated by the candle lights dancing in front of him and the cake he’s holding. Mark continued singing his off tuned Happy Birthday song while Jinyoung started to tear up from the gesture the older has done for him. He knew that Mark’s also busy with the start of semester, and he must have been stressed with school as well, but knowing he considered to prioritize Jinyoung, really touched the idol’s heart. If it wasn’t for the cake the older boy’s holding, Jinyoung might have hugged him already.

“Happy birthday Jinyoungie. Quick! Make a wish,” Mark told him after he finished the song, motioning him to blow the candles.

Jinyoung then closed his eyes and silently made a wish. As soon as he opened his eyes, he blew the candles as Mark beamed at him.

“I hope your wish would come true,” the older said, putting down the cake at the table nearby, as he then reached for the wrapped gift placed on top of it. “Anyway, I can’t really stay too long but I have something for you.”

“What is it?” Jinyoung asked in curiosity, taking the wrapped gift from Mark.

“Your birthday gift,” the older said watching as Jinyoung tear the paper carefully and gaped at the cleared box inside of it.

“A doll?” Jinyoung asked, staring at the presumably miniature version of Mark.

The doll is the same size as his official merchandise but this one has red hair, ear piercing and obvious canine on his mouth. The doll wasn’t Jinyoung but Mark.

“Did you like it?” Mark asked hesitantly, eyes now wary that Jinyoung’s not saying anything.

“This doll looks like you,” Jinyoung pointed out as he looked at Mark’s red hair and his teeth.

“That’s because it is me. My mini me,” Mark explained, chuckling as he picked Jinyoung’s doll dangling from his bag, having them side by side.

“But why?” Jinyoung asked. A little bit puzzled by Mark’s intentions. But when he heard the other boy’s reply, he felt his heart made somersault inside his chest.

“So that your mini doll wouldn’t be lonely. It has now has… me.” Mark answered, precise and clean.

Jinyoung almost cried hearing it but he controlled his emotions. He didn’t want to cry in front of Mark, so he opted to just give Mark a grateful look and a muttered “Thank you”.

Mark returned the smile, completely pleased on Jinyoung’s reaction.

 

They talked for a bit, catching up on each other’s personal lives and their own schedules, Jinyoung with his idol life and Mark with his last year in school. Jinyoung would like to keep the other boy to himself all night, but he knew he has to let him go since it’s getting late and Mark had a lot of things to do. Eventually, it came for the two of them part.

Jinyoung accompanied the older towards the door, a sleepy smile on his face.

“Thanks for visiting me and for the gift. I loved it,” Jinyoung whispered honestly, holding the door for Mark.

“You’re welcome,” Mark replied, a sleepy smile mirroring Jinyoung’s. He was about to cross the threshold when he suddenly stopped and turned towards Jinyoung’s adorable sleepy face, hugging the younger tightly, with his hands wrapping at the idol’s waist.

Jinyoung was so surprised he could no longer react but jist stand there rigidly in Mark’s arms.

“Happy Birthday, Nyoung.” The red haired whispered in his ear, breath tickling his skin.

Jinyoung having shaken off the initial shock from Mark’s bold gesture, finally hugged the older boy back with the same fervor, whispering a Thank you to show his gratitude for everything.

The hug was quick but it felt like it hours for him, cherishing the warmth the other boy transferred towards him. Jinyoung was sure that he’s blushing to the roots of his hair but what he didn’t expect was Mark’s equally reddening face, eyes avoiding his for the first time.

“I have to go,” Mark muttered uncharacteristically and Jinyoung nodded at him in understanding.

“Take care,” Jinyoung told him, still feeling the ghost of Mark’s breath on his skin.

The older nodded his head and gave him a final wave before he went out of the door and left.

When Jinyoung was completely alone in his apartment, he immediately clutched his heart together with the mini Mark doll in his hand. Jinyoung’s heart was beating so hard he thought it would burst. He’s so happy.

It’s one of his birthday celebrations he won’t surely forget.

- - -

Jinyoung of course continued with his activities in stride. He got busier when he’s been casted for a web drama, along with producing his new album although no particular date has been announced yet. Jinyoung had already written a lot of songs that he wanted to include with his new album. He’s been inspired for the past couple of months and he’s really enjoying writing songs. If being inspired had something to do with a certain red haired fan, Jinyoung of course wouldn’t admit to it, especially when Sora’s the one teasing him about it.

Jinyoung’s time however with Mark dwindled down to a minimum since both of them got stuck on each of their activities. The younger missed Mark a lot but he also knew that Mark had other things he should get into. And so he chose to be contented with their simple exchange of messages and calls during the day.

One evening, when Jinyoung got a lighter schedule and he was just watching movies on his laptop, Mark surprised him with a visit. The idol though surprised, welcomed Mark with open arms and let him in his apartment, even preparing dinner for the both of them.

Mark joined Jinyoung’s planned movie marathon, telling the younger that he needed a breather from all the studying he’s been doing anyway and being with Jinyoung relieves his stress.

“I am going to be really busy for the next few days. Hell week is real when it’s your last semester in college.”

“What do you mean?” Jinyoung asked, hand filled with popcorn and grease.

“I’m graduating this semester,” Mark replied, stealing a popcorn from Jinyoung’s hand and smiling at him playfully. The younger would have called him out for it, but he was too hung up on the implications of Mark’s words.

“G-graduating?” Jinyoung stammered, unable to find the right words to comprehend his current feelings manifesting in his chest.

“Yes.” Mark replied with a smile. “Finally.”

“I-I see… so, so what’s your plan after graduation?” Jinyoung asked, mind now overanalyzing and thinking things way ahead.

He’s leaving me. Mark hyung is leaving me.

“No particular plans yet. But I’ll probably go home,” Mark answered, noncommittally, shrugging his shoulder in nonchalance. Jinyoung’s heart breaking at the gesture.

“Home? Y-you’re going back to LA?”

Mark nodded at him.

“Oh. Uhm… Are you planning to work immediately?” Jinyoung asked again, voice now showing that hint of panic and satoori.

“Yes. Totally looking forward to it,” Mark said in an excited tone, contradicting Jinyoung’s budding hysteria.

‘Where?’ he wanted to ask Mark. However he remained silent and buried whatever other questions he had for Mark deep within the walls of his mind. He’s afraid of Mark’s answer, he’s afraid that he’ll be disappointed and hurt. It was unnecessary for him to ask where Mark would like to work since they have their own Architecture firm and Realty Development company in the US, of course, it’s a given the older boy will choose to work there.

Jinyoung schooled his face into nonchalance and went back into the neglected movie like it’s the most interesting film he has seen., keeping his fears and disappointments at the back of his mind.

“Jinyoungie?” Mark called him carefully, calculating Jinyoung’s rigid shoulders and tensed expression as a red flag. “Is there something wrong?”

‘Yes, I think you’re not planning on coming back.’  Jinyoung wanted to say but instead he shook his head and continued on his feigned placid expression. “Nothing, hyung. Lets continue watching. I love this part.”

Jinyoung could feel Mark’s eyes on him, tracing his profile and examining his demeanor like he’s meant to do it everytime. Jinyoung pretended to be engrossed on the movie and it wasn’t long when he heard the older sigh in defeat.

That night Jinyoung had a hard time sleeping. He kept  thinking about Mark leaving soon, and he’s actually not fine with it especially since he’s feeling something for the other boy. Jinyoung was okay with his unrequited love for Mark since he knew he could still see him and talk to him, but now that the possibility of Mark permanently leaving was looming not far from the horizon, Jinyoung couldn’t help but be scared and devastated.

That night he slept with an aching heart and mind sinking from a tank filled with water no saving to be found.                                                                                                

- - -

Ever since their last time together, Jinyoung started distancing himself from Mark. He busied himself with work, opting to endure not seeing the other boy than make the most of Mark’s remaining time in the country. In Jinyoung’s belief, he should start getting used to the other boy’s absence since he will be leaving anyway.

Start now so in the future it won’t hurt that much.

Jinyoung knows that what he’s been doing was wrong. It’s not right to push Mark away, because throughout this whole dilemma, the older boy was still his friend, his confidant, the most special person in his life other than his family members. However, he couldn’t help but feel lowkey betrayed by Mark’s indifference in leaving him behind after all they went through together.

“So much for saying he’s gonna save me,” Jinyoung muttered when he purposely missed a call from Mark, continuing with his rehearsal until his body scream in pain and exhaustion.

Mark’s been sending him tons of messages asking if he’s alright and if there’s something wrong since he noticed that Jinyoung’s distancing himself from him. Although the fan still watches Jinyoung’s performances, the special privileges he was formerly taking advantage of suddenly got disconnected. The security wouldn’t suddenly let him in backstage, telling him flimsy excuses that the agency wanted Jinyoung to have more rest since he has an even busier schedule these days. Even Sora wouldn’t answer him directly, opting to tell him to give Jinyoung time since he might be tired.

Jinyoung’s chest continued to hurt as his phone kept on lighting up, a name so familiar flashing in desperation, calling him from afar.

- - -

Jinyoung’s plan on distancing himself from Mark ended one night, after he was dropped off by his manager in his apartment and he was trying to walk on wobbly legs and exhausted body. He’s a few feet towards his apartment door when a body, lithe and familiar, caught his eyes.

“Hyung, what are you doing here?” Jinyoung asked, clearly surprised to see Mark there, standing beautifully in his front door, hands in his pockets and eyes now glancing towards him.

Mark had a very serious expression on his face, so much like the one he had when he got upset for the first time because of Jinyoung’s uncouth mouth.

“We need to talk,” he told Jinyoung, short and cryptic.

“Why?” Jinyoung asked, avoiding the other boy’s eyes and pretending it was no big deal that his heart was now hammering loudly in his chest. He was about to open his front door when Mark blocked his way with his body.

“You won’t answer my calls. You won’t even see me. I was so worried about you,” Mark replied, sounding truly concerned.

Detach now while it’s early. It’s going to hurt if you kept on holding on to something you can’t have.

Jinyoung didn’t answer and instead shoved the other boy lightly, opening the door to his apartment and letting the latter trail behind.

“Why won’t you see me?” Mark demanded, turning Jinyoung back to face him.

Jinyoung feeling exasperated, clucked his tongue in irritation.

“Why are you being so demanding? You know how hectic my schedules are, I was busy.”

“You’re lying. You’re definitely avoiding me,” Mark stated. He’s not asking it but confirming it instead.

“What? What made you think that? You’re wrong. I was just busy,” Jinyoung denied, his lies kept on spilling through his teeth as he continued to fake nonchalance towards the other boy whose eyes were now looking and reading him like usual.

“Jinyoung, I can see right through you. I know when you’re trying to hide something. Would you please just tell me why are you doing this? Did I do something wrong?” Mark pleaded, uncharacteristically so.

“No. You didn’t do anything. Will you please just drop it? I had a long day and I need to rest. Let’s talk some other time,” Jinyoung muttered, grabbing Mark by his elbow and ushering him towards the front door.

“No! I won’t leave unless you tell me the truth.” Mark said, planting his feet on Jinyoung’s carpeted floor, determined.

Jinyoung loved Mark’s stubborn streak, his persistence that knows no bounds which lead them into being friends in the first place. However in this situation wherein he desperately wanted to wallow alone in his own space, Mark’s dead set decision to make him admit his real feelings weren’t helping his stressed out mind.

“There’s nothing to tell. Please just leave now. I’m tired,” Jinyoung pleaded, eyes stormy with anguish.

“No. I’ll stay here until you tell me what’s wrong.”

It’s like a cord from the idol’s patience snapped and all self control decided to leave his body. What he wouldn’t tell someone close to him slipped out of his lips easily.

“Mark, you’re invading my privacy. Not because we become friends you can demand things from me. I’m tired. Please leave now or I’ll call the security.” Jinyoung warned as he shoved Mark harder than intended towards the front door.

Mark, despite his lithe and slender body, was surprisingly strong, managing to stay put even though the idol had already shoved him towards the exit. What’s even more shocking was his ability to pin Jinyoung at the nearest wall, breath ghosting the younger’s skin.

“Let go of me!” Jinyoung demanded. However, the heat on his voice did not hold any bearing as the proximity of Mark’s lips weren’t too far from his, rendering him a bit helpless. The touch of the older boy made his skin prickle in anticipation totally not fitting for the situation.

Stop thinking about his lips, idiot! Focus! Jinyoung scolded himself, avoiding looking at the other boy’s lips.

“I won’t let go until you tell me the truth!”

“I told you there’s nothing to tell. Let go of me hyung.” Jinyoung commanded, trying to get away from Mark’s grip but to no avail.

“You don’t just suddenly ignore me and I will take it in stride like I don’t mind. Tell me, is this about me leaving after graduation? You weren’t happy about me leaving, is that it?” Mark asked, shaking Jinyoung by the shoulders, as if that would help spill the truth from the idol’s mouth. “Stop going back to the Jinyoung who keeps everything inside, just tell me the truth!”

“You don’t know anything. You don’t understand, so shut up!” Jinyoung yelled as he again tried to get away from the other boy’s hold on him.

“How can I understand when you’re not saying anything? Make me understand, let’s stop this freaking endless cat and mouse chase, it’s no longer fun, Jinyoung, dammit!” Mark yelled back, obviously frustrated and angry.

Jinyoung put all his force into getting out from Mark’s hold and when he did, he gave the latter a hard shove, causing them to switch places, Jinyoung now having the upper hand by being the one invading the red haired boy’s space.

“You think you’re the only one frustrated with these things happening between us? Make you understand what? What do you want to know? Do you really want me to tell you how selfish I can be? That no matter how wonderful the news of you being reunited with your family in LA I can’t find it in myself to at least be happy for you? What does that make me? What kind of friend am I, hyung? You want the truth? Well the truth is I hate thinking of the day you’ll leave!” Pausing to catch his breath, Jinyoung angrily wiped at his uncontrollable tears painting his face and pushed Mark away from him. “I am only protecting myself once you leave, hyung because your absence… it’ll break me.”

“Why? Why would you be affected if I leave for good? Why does it hurt you?” Mark asked, pulling the younger towards him, tilting the latter’s chin to meet his eyes once again. Jinyoung, being the stubborn that he is, retaliated and fought Mark with his advances. “Jinyoung, come on. Tell me. Why? Why is it important that I stay?”

“Because I love you!” he yelled, voice breaking at the last syllable. “I have fallen in love with you and I don’t know what to do once you leave,” Jinyoung admitted, punching Mark’s chest in a mixture of embarrassment and frustration. It’s comical, if not, a little dramatic. Jinyoung’s crying face, mouth eliciting a painful sob from the realization that he just confessed his feelings towards the other boy in the most unromantic way possible.

It didn’t help that Mark stood silent and frozen while the younger manhandled him continuously.

“I know that you just see me as a friend and that you won’t ever return my feelings. So, can you just leave? At least give me this, hyung. It hurts so much so let me wallow by myse—”

Jinyoung’s no longer able to complete his speech of self pity.

It was so Mark Tuan to render him speechless and cut him off of his sentences. This time though, it wasn’t in the form of his cryptic messages, but by his own mouth, crashing towards Jinyoung’s lips that’s totally unsuspecting and shocked.

As much as Jinyoung would like to describe the kiss as those he usually shoot in dramas and sees in movies, the kiss with Mark didn’t have the slow motion and dramatic background music. There were no fireworks shooting around them nor the flashbacks. However, it felt one of the best kisses he ever felt nonetheless (if his on cam experiences could be considered as experiences since he never dated and kissed anyone outside of work).

Mark, feeling Jinyoung turning soft under his touch, finally put his hands on the latter’s waist, pulling him flush towards his body, deepening the kiss.

It may have lasted an hour based on Jinyoung’s unexperienced opinion, but in reality it only happened in less than a minute before they finally broke apart and looked at each other’s eyes. Both their faces were painted with a beautiful blush, only achievable by someone who just got into a lip lock.

Breathless, it was Jinyoung who spoke first.

“W-why did you kiss me?”

“Because I wanted to. You have no idea how long I wanted to hear you say those words to me,” Mark confessed, also breathless as he sported a wide smile that can rival the sun. Jinyoung gave Mark a confused look and the latter chuckled good heartedly at him.

“You know what, Jinyoung? For someone as smart as you, you can sometimes become a bit dense,” Mark kidded, elbowing Jinyoung who continued to look at him puzzled. “I love you, you stubborn idiot! I always have. When I first saw you I just knew I’d have to be with you. I know I’m that missing piece in your life and I’m happy you’re giving me a chance to be that person right now.

Jinyoung’s eyes widen upon hearing Mark’s confession. The things he was just wishing for were finally coming out of the other boy’s mouth, the feelings he hoped were mutual were in fact, true. Jinyoung couldn’t help but smile, which he tried to coyly keep behind the back of his hand.

“Are you smiling?” Mark asked him, snatching his hand to see the smile he’s hiding.

“No, I’m not.”

“You’re smiling! Are you feeling giddy that I have finally confessed?”

Jinyoung playfully rolled his eyes at Mark and clucked his tongue. “Stop assuming things. I am not.”

The younger then felt arms slowly wrapped around his shoulders as the latter pulled him for a hug. Strong arms and warm chest welcomed Jinyoung’s body, letting him bask in the realization that the older felt the same way for him.

“Do you want me to stay?” he heard Mark asked, voice rumbling deep in his chest.

Jinyoung contemplated a bit, thinking of the pros and the cons of asking Mark to stay. Although it’ll bring immense happiness if the older boy stayed with him, he also wanted him to be with his family in LA, where he really belongs. Jinyoung knew how hard it is to be away from your loved ones and to miss out on things you should be a part of. He wouldn’t want to take it away from Mark. He wouldn’t want Mark to experience the same torture he’s in.

“But you should be with your family, right?” he carefully asked, burying his face on the older boy’s neck as if clinging to him would help ease his concerns.

Mark chuckled lightly at Jinyoung, kissing the side of his head tenderly. “I am a grown up, my parents would understand if I decided to stay here for good. Besides, they knew how head over heels I am for you, they already knew my plans after school and that is to find work here and be with you.” Mark then pulled away from Jinyoung so they could be on eye level again, asking, “So, will you want me to stay?”

It’s a question that needed no answer.

The moment the younger smiled shyly as he bat his eyelashes at Mark, tells everything that needed to be said. It made the older boy’s heart stir from happiness that finally they can try this together. It might be hard since Jinyoung’s an idol and Mark’s a foreigner but love is love and there’s a vast future for their love story.

“I want you to stay.”

--

Epilogue

2017

Jinyoung wakes up to the sound of ocean waves, singing and dancing nearby, the smell of it for once not making him feel like he’s being drowned. The nightmares have long stopped. He wouldn’t suddenly wake up in the middle of the night, sweating and crying because he’s alone. There, beside him in the soft bed of their rented villa, lay his boyfriend Mark, arm encircled over his torso in a protective manner that just by that alone he already feels secured.

It’s been months since they have been together and Jinyoung would still find it unbelievable that Mark loves him. He thinks he’s too plain (despite being a KPop idol) to be loved like this, genuine and unconditionally. When they would argue about simple things, Mark would just chuckle good heartedly and let Jinyoung get his way. It’s a mystery how the red head can have so much patience in his body that he could handle someone like Park Jinyoung, but maybe that’s how true love works, it doesn’t wither away with just little circumstances, instead it prospers.

“Hey, lazy . Good morning,” Jinyoung greets, kissing Mark’s forehead as the latter’s head, that’s nestled on his bare chest, moved. Mark peeks at him with one eye, his arm tightening its hold on his waist as he nuzzled his face on the younger’s neck.

“Morning, babe. How are you? How do you feel?” the older boy asks, kissing Jinyoung’s neck now, soothing the bite marks left on his milky skin made the night before. It made Jinyoung blush into crimson, remembering how their first vacation night went after being away from each other from quite some time.

Because of their busy schedules, their time together has become even more limited. More so now that Mark has a stable job at an Architecture firm in Seoul. Their dates have now dwindled down to quick lunch and dinners. And although they are now living together, they still wouldn’t meet often because of Jinyoung’s overseas schedules. With all of these things happening in their lives, it is no surprise that the two of them are trying to make up for all of the lost time.

“Have I been too rough?” Mark asks, sheepishly smiling at Jinyoung’s still blushing face.

The younger shakes his head in response, holding his boyfriend tighter from his embrace. “I missed you.”

“Me too,” Mark whispers, looking up at Jinyoung. “I’m glad your agency gave you a break, I thought it’ll be months until we finally have this time together.”

“I know. I’m sorry we aren’t meeting as often.”

Mark kisses him instantaneously, halting any apologies the younger used to give whenever his career gets the front seat on the list of his priorities. The older boy knew what he has gotten into when he first tried to get closer to the idol, so he understood, supports him even, with what he wants to do.

As much as possible, all the red haired boy wanted Jinyoung to know is that it’s not bad to reach for your dreams, and if it requires little sacrifices here and there, Mark’s ready to face it, so long as he can be beside Jinyoung through all of it.

“Stop saying sorry. I love you, that’s what matters to me.”

Jinyoung gulps the emotion building up in his chest, keeping his waterworks at bay. When it comes to Mark, it always ends up with Jinyoung feeling overwhelmed. It’s too much that his boyfriend’s taking in his weirdness and quirks in stride, but for Mark to be understanding and supportive of his passion; it’s too much to handle sometimes.

With the morning sunlight its way inside their rented room, Jinyoung kisses Mark fervently, using his lips in answering the other boy’s confession of his feelings in ways Jinyoung knows best describes what he has in his heart. And for the older boy, that is enough.

Jinyoung’s always enough.

******

August 2014

Mark Tuan was lost in the middle of the bustling street of Myeongdong. The smell of street foods and different perfumes from the stalls were mixing together in just one blur. He looked around and noticed the lights of Seoul, painting the night with colorful lights, twinkling as if inviting him to dance with them.

Changbum told him to meetup at a barbeque place somewhere in the area, but Mark, not really a geographically challenged person, still couldn’t locate the place. It must be the foreigner in him that got him lost in the crowd or the new commute system he has to learn since he came in South Korea three days ago. In LA he could have just taken a cab and he’ll be on his way, but here in a new country, where his money and people he’s closed with are limited, he has to learn how to live simply and immerse in the life of independence.

His father would have been so proud knowing Mark had been handling himself well for the past three days he’s in a new country.

His decision to suddenly moved away from his comfort zone wasn’t an easy feat. His parents weren’t specifically happy about it. Mark is the eldest son and he’s expected to inherit the family business, yet it was never in him to be tied down in a business like what his father built. He is a quiet person, often staying at the back and observing, however, despite his introvert personality, Mark also thrives from the extremes, traveling and pushing himself beyond his limits.

Like that one time his mother almost had a heart attack when they found out Mark enrolled himself in a mixed martial arts class simply because that’s the closest thing he could fly.

In the end, his father relented and told Mark to do what he wanted, if that is what would really make him happy.

“I want you, to find me and save me,” he heard someone said from afar, the voice so deeply desperate it moved his heart in a strange way it hadn’t before. He turned towards the sound, hoping to see a sappy and melodramatic person asking for help. However, what faced Mark was a huge screen, playing a recent performance of Korean idols in a music festival. The boy, who he presumed asked for help a while ago was now belting the lyrics of his song while he dances with the beat, moves so fluid and graceful Mark has forgotten he was looking for his friend for a free dinner.

He was immediately enraptured by the other boy, with his lips so red and plump as he moves it to sing, skin so perfect even under the harsh stage lights illuminating his face. But what really captured Mark’s attention was the other boy’s eyes, looking straight into the camera and through him. It seemed that he’s in utter despair, desperately asking for help in silence, making it seem like a song but the truth rings out in Mark’s ears.

His movements were mesmerizing, years of practice and training manifesting with his dancing. He’s talented that’s for sure, but the anguish in his eyes continued on and it piqued Mark’s interest already. He knew it’s no use telling himself he’s not getting hooked on the guy when he’s literally blocking the street as he continued on staring like an idiot at some KPop Idol’s majestic face on a huge television screen.

“There you are! I have been trying to look for you!” someone said behind Mark, interrupting his thoughts a little bit. When he turned around it was Changbum staring at him weirdly. “Why aren’t you answering your phone, and why are you standing here like a statue?”

“Do you know who that is?” Mark asked instead, ignoring Changbum’s knowing smile and teasing chuckle.

“I think his name is Park Jinyoung.”

“Park Jinyoung…” Mark mumbled, testing the idol’s name on his tongue and feeling satisfied in putting a name under that sad face. Unmoving, Mark stared back at Jinyoung’s face, now singing a different, livelier song.

“Uhh, Mark? Are you going to continue standing there and stare at pouty lips or are you gonna come with me and eat dinner? I am kind of starving,” Chambum goaded, tugging his arm and pulling him away from the spot he’s probably standing on for a few minutes.

His friend might be dragging him away from the idol but Mark’s head was now fixated on Jinyoung, planning and thinking of ways he can let the former know he’s willing to be the missing piece of puzzle to complete him, whichever way it takes.

“I’m in danger, I’m shouting Mayday. Please be the last missing piece of the puzzle.”

 

- End-

£§£§

 

A/N: Thank you so much for reading., GOT7’s new album is amazing. Let’s support our boys! Belated Happy birthday  to our fam’s maknae’s Diane.  If you happen to read this, this one’s for you too. 

It's been awhile since i've written something, and I'm totally getting rusty, Busy with work and really having a hard time getting a motivation. Will try to reread previous works and update. Hopefully soon, but not promising anything. Thanks you so much for reading.