It’s a Song fic, my personal version of 4Men – I can’t.

Pardon for any grammar errors.

Bzzzzz.. Bzzzzzz.. Bzzzzzzz.. (to be honest, this is how my clock alarm sounds like, so yeah, please feel free to imagine it according to your own clock alarm? ._. )

            6am.. It’s already morning again..

            Since that day.. Every time I woke up in the morning, I can’t help myself but to wonder..

            Is she awake yet?

            Did she have a good sleep?

            Did she have a good dream last night?

            Before that day.. Every time I woke up in the morning, the first thing I would do after turning off my alarm, is to check my phone. Reading sms text’s from her, or me sending her text to greet her a good morning, just to make sure she’s awake.

And then we’ll end up texting each other for some time, until its time for me to prepare to go to work, and her, to school.

            But now.. Since that day.. I could only stare at my phone..

Wishing that she will have a good day today..

With no me in it..

-

now when i eat, i can’t swallow with the tears running down
i tell myself i have to keep eating

            Would it be to cliché if I told you that I couldn’t stop thinking about her?

I could be focus on something else, but when a simple memories shows up in my mind about what would she do, what would she say in a situation im having, all the emotion rushing in. And I’ll foolishly end up tearing again..

            Once, I was having a breakfast with my friends. They are good friends, making sure I didn’t forget to eat and stuff, literally making sure that im still alive after that day hehe.

We were laughing a lot that morning. I guess it’s the first day that I could finally smile and laugh again.. Until I saw my friend poured cereal and milk to a bowl that supposed to be for me.

Memories are flashing in my mind. About how you’ll always remind me to eat breakfast, because breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and then I’ll stubbornly said “I am having my breakfast, with coffee”

And then you’ll yell at me “Yah!” took away my hot newly brewed glass of coffee, and pour it all out to the sink with no mercy, and looked at me sternly while saying, more like commanding “Eat, now! N.O.W!”

I swear I thought I date your big sister, I guess I know how Yul feels when Jessica start talk that way. The fear.. It’ll make you shiver!

And I ‘ help to chuckled a bit when I remember it..

But I didn’t realized, I was crying. Until I felt so hard to swallow a spoon of that God damn cereal, I keep trying to eat it, one spoon to another, because like you said, it’s the important meal of the day, but I can’t.. It can’t be swallowed.. I can’t swallow it..

I miss you.. I really miss you..

Men weren’t made with tears they say, therefore men can not cry..

But I guess, in some situation, they will let me do it won’t they Krys?

I hope they will..

Because even if I could, it wouldn’t stop..

-

i can’t hear a song, or the humming of the earth
when i watch a movie, i can’t remember what i saw

            My friends, they really are good friends. The best that someone could ever hope for. They always try to be there for me, making sure I’ll never be alone. That I’ll never be sad again, since that day.

I appreciate it, I really really do appreciate it. And I try not to let them down by following them, to everywhere they want to take me. Like the other day when they decide to take me go clubbing with them. I remember you disliked me going to that kind of place. You would complain I would smell like alcohol and smoke, and how much you hated drunken people and smokers. And that night, I went there after so long.

I have to admit, this kind of place used to be my playground. I used to spend my night clubbing from one place to another. End up drunk and fell asleep wherever I felt comfortable to lay down my body. I like the crowd, I like the nonstop music playing. Somehow it makes me, less lonely.

It was really crowded, people were cheering, dancing, enjoying their time with music sounds blasting to the whole corner of the club. Everyone looks like they were enjoying their time. But I couldn’t hear anything. Weirdly, I could only imagined you sulking and pouting, and obviously giving me cold treatment if you ever knew about me went clubbing.

That night went dull for me, I end up leaving them all, back home, and spent an hour trying to sleep, but failed. Epic fail, I know.. And guess what I did? Watching one of your favorite movie that we tried to watch once, but I end up sleeping soundly, that makes you mad at me. And being an idiot me, I gave you a reason that I did it because I was to immerse into that movie, that the sounds of the music really successfully made me fell asleep while watching them singing and dancing around.

The different is, this time, I stay awake, but I still couldn’t remember what was it all about. Because all I did, is once again, crying, missing you a lot. I even foolishly swore to myself that I promised I would never fell asleep, and I would remember it every scene, every dialogue those people said in the movie, even the sounds of bird chirping, and honestly enjoyed watching it, if only, you will watch it again with me, I wonder, will you give me the smile that im yearning to see?

But I guess, since that day, you wouldn’t even care, would you?

-

i can’t eat well, because im thinking of you
i think your thoughts have changed , since you left
i keep on living, eating with the tears running down
i can’t ride the bus, because I’m afraid someone will laugh at me
I’m afraid i might start crying, i can’t do anything i can’t live without you

            I couldn’t believe I met you again earlier today. You didn’t know how happy I am to see you again. You smiled at me, how I missed that smile. It feels like every burden’s finally lifted up from my shoulders. It’s my dream coming true, the answers of my every wish.. Until I saw you hand in hand with him.

            You and him invited me to have lunch together. I really wanted to say no, then walked away, but that smile, your smile, it made me stay.

            You didn’t know how I wished I could see it again, after that day.

            And my wish has come true, I saw you smiling a lot today, but its different, the way you smile at me and the one you gave to him. I guess you finally found your happiness. And it wasn’t with me.

            After that lunch, I felt lost Krys.. Really lost. I even foolishly forgot where did I parked my car. And I remember I was supposed to have a meeting appointment with my client in an hour. But I foolishly forgot where I parked my car, can you imagined it? Really a fool indeed.

            I know it’s actually not a big problem, I could have hailed a taxi or ride a bus. But I can’t. I don’t want them to see me crying.

            I’m a man Krys, and men weren’t made with tears, therefore men are not supposed to cry, and this tears and this pain I’m feeling inside that cause this tears refusing to stop.. It just can’t and won’t stop and I don’t want anyone to see how weak I am now, I don’t want anyone to laugh at me.

            Guys pride? Probably is.. But it’s the only thing I have left.

            This pride is the only thing I have left.

            I didn’t beg you to come back to me because of this pride. I end up regretting everything because of this pride. But now, it’s the only thing I have left. Since now, I don’t have any more chance to make you mine once again.

            This stupid pride, is the only thing I have left, since that day. Since I let you walked away.

-

now when i drink, i can’t get drunk with the tears running down
even when the bottle is empty, because I’m only thinking about you
what am i living for, if you are not with me
i can’t do anything when I’m here alone

            And I spent the night. At the bar. Tried to made myself looked even more foolish. Try to imagine a grown up man, drinking and weeping at the same time. Yeah, it does surely look bad, but that’s what I did. But heck, why the hell can’t I get drunk?! I just want to get drunk! Just how many bottles should I have to finally make me drunk?! I can’t stop thinking about you, even if I want. I can’t stop this pain I’m feeling, even if I try. I can’t stop this tears that keeps pouring down, it just won’t.

without you i can’t smile ,i can’t move without you
anything, i can’t do anything

            How I wish I could die tonight. And the image of how you smiled differently to me and him today keeps repeating in my mind, didn’t help me much in any kind of way. I really couldn’t think about anything but that now. I couldn’t feel anything but pain. I couldn’t do anything but to accept the fact that I am no more in your life. Nothing more than past.

i need your love
you know well why i am living alone
without you I’m nothing
i don’t know anything but you, i can’t eat well without you

            What am I going to do now that I lost you Krys? You are the only one I have. I am a fool to ever let you go. I am a fool to not doing anything to make you stay, while I know that without you I am lost.

i can’t bear dying, because you may come back
you may find me someday, i can’t do anything
today , and tomorrow too, i only want you

            All I could do now is crying alone in my room. Screw what they say about guys shouldn’t and couldn’t cry! I try to hold myself, try not to run to the kitchen, and do everything more foolish than I really am. I can still hoping right Krys? That one day, you’ll come back to me? When that day comes, when you finally realized that there’s this man from your past, that really and only loves you, which is me A.J Liu, this pathetic me. I will always be around you. Waiting for you, because this idiot, don’t know how to fall in love again, since the day he fell in love with you.