They look at each other, wondering what to talk about. It’s almost total silence, if not for the bustling of the police officers working around them. Ever since the accident, they have nothing to talk about because every topic feels painful for Woohyun, a reminder of his current predicament. So, most of the days Woohyun keep insisting that they should break up, while Myungsoo keeps refusing. He has been visiting Woohyun often even though Woohyun has been treating him badly and coldly. It’s an attempt at pushing Myungsoo away. Woohyun thinks that if they keep seeing each other, it will only bring pain to them. He doesn’t despise, but every time he looks at him he still felt hurt.

“I am bringing a new book,” Myungsoo says, finally, after the uncomfortable silence, “It was quite interesting when I read it, so I thought that maybe you might be interested in reading it too.”

Woohyun can only nod. Myungsoo has been bringing him a lot of books to fill his free time in the prison. Thankfully, it is allowed. Myungsoo gives him a book, and then Woohyun will read it and then give him back to Myungsoo when he visits again. Other than bringing books, sometimes he also tells Woohyun about all the things that happened in his life. It has been almost a year since he starts spending time here. Myungsoo is currently working hard to get into college. And Woohyun...has nothing to do. He just does all the things that he has to do in here. Honestly, it has been boring, very boring for someone like him.

He tries hard to not think about what he would have been doing now if only that thing didn’t happen. It only made him feel frustrated.

“I am doing well,” Myungsoo continues telling him, “I fulfill my promise to live well. So please don't worry about me, I am really doing fine.”

It’s kind of weird when Myungsoo is the more talkative one between the two of them. But it has been like that for months. Woohyun just doesn’t know what to say. He has nothing to tell Myungsoo.

“I am glad to hear that.”

“I think I can be a Doctor. I have been doing really well in my study,” Myungsoo continues, trying hard to keep the smile on his face. He looks fine, so Woohyun is glad for that, at least, “I'm not sure if I can get into SNU, but I'm confident that I can get into college.”

“Good for you.”

Myungsoo doesn’t continue, seems lost on what to do. His smile is faltering and he starts to look down, his eyes unfocused. He bites his lower lip lightly and then looks up again, forcing himself to smile again as he asks, “Are you doing fine here? You didn’t get sick, right?”

“I'm doing fine,” Woohyun answers. He is really doing fine, the jail is not too bad, he guesses. He has gotten used to prison life. They have schedules and guidelines they have to follow, but that’s it. There were scary inmates, but Woohyun doesn’t have a problem with them. Surprisingly, it is quite peaceful here. He does have one complaint about it, “It's just really boring here.”

“That's why I have been bringing you books so you won't be bored here,” Myungsoo says proudly, for thinking of that. Woohyun tries hard not to smile at how proud Myungsoo looks. Suddenly he really wants to hug Myungsoo, but he resists.

He has been wondering, though, if it’s not tiring for Myungsoo to keep visiting him here, when he is so busy. He also wonders if Myungsoo is not tired of Woohyun being so unresponsive to him.

“Are you not tired going here almost every week? Spending time with me?” he asks, insecurities creeping in again. He still feels like he doesn’t deserve Myungsoo anymore—he didn’t even really save Myungsoo. Myungsoo was still . Violated. It makes Woohyun wonders how he could still force himself to smile, how he could still look so bright.

“Why would I be tired? I only need to take the bus,” Myungsoo answered with a shrug.

“How if you have to go far away from here? Will you visit me again?” Woohyun continues to ask. Myungsoo will go to college, whether it’s far or near. He will be busy, and he will meet a lot of new people. He probably will meet someone who can finally replace Woohyun in his life, someone who will be a good mate for him. Someone who has a bright future, someone who is not a murderer. Someone who is not Woohyun.

Funny. One year ago, it was Myungsoo who was feeling that kind of insecurity. And now, it’s Woohyun’s turn. Of course, even though he keeps trying to push Myungsoo away from him, he still loves Myungsoo.

“Of course! I will try to visit you whenever I am free.”

“If you are going to be a doctor, you are going to be very busy. Are you sure you can spare some time for me?”

“As I said, I will try.”

“You should stop visiting me, it will be easier for you. You should move on with your life.”

How many times has he said something like that? Countless, probably.  And yet, Myungsoo never agrees. It’s frustrating, how stubborn that boy is.

“And leave you alone?”

“I will not be alone. I still have my family. I will be fine without you.”

The façade Myungsoo has been wearing finally starts to crack. He drops his smile and the sadness he has been trying to conceal shine in his eyes. He looks at Woohyun seriously, his lips quiver as he starts to ask, “Why do you keep saying things like that to me? Do you have me that much? Do you hate seeing my face that much?”

Woohyun lies, “Yes I hate seeing your face. I regret what I did.”

Myungsoo doesn’t buy it, though. He asks earnestly, “Can’t you stop trying to push me away?”

***

“Is it lover boy?” his jail mate’s voice greets him when he comes back to his room, “What did you talk about this time?”

Woohyun sighs as he sits down on the floor, starting at the person across of him. They put him in the same jail as a same age fellow, which is something Woohyun feels grateful for. Lee Sungyeol—he has been here longer than Woohyun. He was moved from a juvenile detention center to here when Woohyun was indicted. He, just like Woohyun, killed someone when he was fifteen years old. Woohyun has no idea though who did Sungyeol killed—while Sungyeol somehow managed to know everything about Woohyun in the one year they were living together.

“It's none of your business,” Woohyun answers, looking at the book in his hand. A novel by Haruki Murakami. Before, he barely reads novels like this but now since he has nothing to do, he just reads anything given to him.

“Did you treat him coldly again?” Sungyeol asks, shaking his head. He stands up and walks over to Woohyun, snatching the novel from Woohyun’s hand, “Ckck, he puts a lot of efforts coming here, but all you can do is treating him coldly?”

Why does it feel like when you’re being scolded by someone who hasn’t seen the outside world for more than 5 years, you really up?

“He needs to move on,” Woohyun insists, snatching the novel back from Sungyeol’s hand, afraid that Sungyeol will accidentally tear the book apart like he did several books ago when he borrowed it. D

“He will move on when he decides to do so,” Sungyeol tells him, “You can’t force him to do that.”

Woohyun sighs. It really feels weird getting advice from Sungyeol, out of all people.

“He won’t do that unless I give him a reason a to do so.”

“You know, he is suffering, too,” Sungyeol says, as if Woohyun doesn’t know that. He knows that Myungsoo is suffering too, there is no way Myungsoo won’t be haunted by what happened. Woohyun gives Sungyeol a judging look, but Sungyeol ignores that look and just continues, “He can’t do anything to ease his guilt other than visiting you, why can’t you just let him do that?”

“You never meet him, why are you acting as if you know him?” Woohyun wonders, suddenly feeling defensive of his choices. Sungyeol doesn’t even know how Myungsoo looks like, how he could know what Myungsoo has been feeling?

“Well, it’s true that I have never met him before, but from your story, I can guess how both of you feel,” Sungyeol patiently said, looking as peaceful and calm as he has always been, “You are starting to regret what you did, yet you still don’t want him to feel guilty. While he must have been feeling so guilty for causing you to end up here while going through his own traumas.”

Woohyun mutters, “I know that.”

It’s true that he starts to regret a lot. If only he didn’t kill his teacher…he would be running on the field now, not confined to a small room where he couldn’t even run. If only he didn’t do it, he would still have a future, if only he didn’t do it, his family didn’t have to go through the embarrassment of having a murderer as a son. And it’s true, despite all of that, he doesn’t want Myungsoo to feel so guilty. He didn’t do anything wrong and even if it was someone else who went through what Woohyun saw, Woohyun would probably react the same.

“Then if you don’t want him to feel guilty, just let him do whatever he can to ease his guilt,” Sungyeol advises, “Unless I am wrong and you really don’t want to see him anymore. Then just do whatever you want.”

Woohyun falls silent. Of course, he still wants to see Myungsoo, honestly, even though he has been pushing Myungsoo away, he still can’t imagine not seeing Myungsoo for a long time. He has thought about what Sungyeol said, too before. He actually realizes that he might be actually trying to keep Myungsoo by his side instead of pushing him away when he acted cold to Myungsoo, because he knew that if he did that Myungsoo would insist to stay by his side, lessening the chance of Myungsoo drifting away from him. Even though he didn’t want Myungsoo to feel guilty, at the same time he is afraid that if Myungsoo doesn’t feel guilty anymore, he will stop visiting him.

“You know, at least you have people waiting for you out there. I don’t have any,” Sungyeol suddenly says.

Woohyun raises his eyebrow, questioning, “Are you turning this into your pity party?”

“Yes,” and then Sungyeol stands up, walks over his bed and loudly whines, “I want to have a pity party too once in a while!”

***

Myungsoo smiles brightly at him, showing him a letter of acceptance. He looks genuinely happy and proud, Woohyun can’t help but smiling too.

“I am really going to be a doctor!” Myungsoo exclaims, eyes twinkling.

“Congratulations,” Woohyun says. He has stopped trying to act cold towards Myungsoo, but turns out trying act like how he used to is harder than acting cold to Myungsoo. It’s almost like he has gotten too used to act nonchalant. He still doesn’t have a lot of words to say to Myungsoo, he is still only able to reply Myungsoo’s words with a short answer.

“I have decided that I want to be a pediatrician,” “I hope it will be a smooth ride from now on.”

“You are going to be a good doctor.”

He is supposed to be happy for Myungsoo, but he can’t because he suddenly remembers, that he himself won’t get a chance to know how college is like, that his dream had shattered.

***

After Myungsoo started to attend University, he has visited Woohyun less because he stayed in a dorm and the university is quite far. But even so, he still visits Woohyun often, especially on important dates. Just like today, when it’s Woohyun’s birthday. Myungsoo always comes when it’s Woohyun’s birthday, they have been celebrating it every year, even if it’s for a short time.

“I hope you will be released sooner,” Myungsoo says, as a wish. It’s Woohyun’s wish, too. He wants to get released as fast as possible, so he can celebrate Myungsoo’s birthday with him.

Even though they celebrate Woohyun’s birthday, they never meet on Myungsoo’s birthday.

***

“I am dying,” Myungsoo whines when he visits Woohyun, looking like he hasn’t had any sleep for days, which might be true, “I need sleep.”

Myungsoo is in his fourth year and he is busier than ever, he couldn’t visit Woohyun as much as he used to again. Woohyun can understand, though, becoming a doctor must be a tough journey and Myungsoo’s tired face shows that. He should have used his free time to rest instead of tiring himself out by coming here.

“Then why are you using your free time to go here?” Woohyun asks, trying to scold him. He doesn’t want Myungsoo to get sick when he is already so busy.

“Because I want to see you.” Myungsoo answers, grinning from ear to ear even though he looks like he is going to pass out anytime. Woohyun is seriously worried for him.

“Your eyebags are quite severe,” Woohyun says, pointing to Myungsoo’s swollen eyes, “You should get some time off.”

“I can’t,” Myungsoo says while shaking his head, “I need to work hard so it will be easier for me later.”

Myungsoo doesn’t change at all. He is still hardworking, perhaps a little too hardworking. He also still cares about Woohyun a little too much, to the point he ignores his own health. It has happened before—Myungsoo visiting him while being sick.

“You don’t change at all,” Woohyun comments.

Myungsoo seems to think of something before he finally says, “You changed.”

“In what way?”

That’s true, Woohyun knows that he has changed. He just doesn’t know to what extent.

“A lot,” Myungsoo answers, and then smiles, “You still look at me with the same loving eyes, though.”

***

“Have you ever dated someone other than me?” Woohyun asks, wondering. Parts of him wish that Myungsoo hasn’t, and another part of him wish that Myungsoo has. It’s just unfair for Myungsoo if he waits for Woohyun for so long without giving a shot at a relationship with someone else. But at the same time, he is happy if Myungsoo is so loyal to him like that.

“No.”

“You should,” Woohyun suggests, “Maybe, there will be better people than me for you out there.”

Myungsoo looks at him right in the eyes, it makes Woohyun feels a little nervous.

“I don’t want better people than you, though,” Myungsoo says, “I want you.”

Woohyun coughs. That sounds like something that he would say years ago. He doesn’t expect Myungsoo to say something like that, it makes him grin. It feels like he has butterflies on his stomach. He can’t believe that those words affect him this much.

“Since when you are this smooth?” Woohyun wonders, “Where did you learn that from?”

“I have changed, you know.”

Somehow, those words scare Woohyun.

***

As the years go by, Myungsoo visits him less and less. Woohyun starts to feel scared that it means that Myungsoo is finally moving on, though he tries to assure himself that it’s because Myungsoo is so busy, as he has started working in a hospital. He tries to shake off the thoughts that maybe Myungsoo already found someone new, that Myungsoo doesn’t care about him anymore.

He feels so relieved when Myungsoo finally visits him after months of no news, though when he shows up, he looks like a mess and he doesn’t say anything. He only sits in front of Woohyun with his head down. 

“Myungsoo, is there anything wrong?”

“No, there is nothing wrong. I am just a little dizzy,” Myungsoo answers, though Woohyun is sure that it’s not only because of that. Woohyun’s stomach twists in worry and nervousness. He can feel that something is going to happen.

“Then you should have rest.”

“I want to see you.”

Of course. Typical Myungsoo.

“Well, you see me, now.”

Myungsoo looks at him and unexpectedly says, “I am sorry.”

“For what?”

Myungsoo bites his lips before answering, “For everything.”

Myungsoo doesn’t visit him anymore after that day. After seven years, Myungsoo finally stops visiting him, without giving him a reason.

***

Day after day, he wonders what Myungsoo is doing and whether he is okay or not. It has been almost a year since the last time Myungsoo visited him, and Woohyun felt lost because he didn’t know why. He asked his family, but they don’t know anything anymore about Myungsoo since they moved. Myungsoo doesn’t say anything about not visiting anymore when they last met. It has been driving him crazy, because he misses Myungsoo and worried for him.

But he also felt hurt because Myungsoo left him hanging. Because this means that Myungsoo has finally forgotten about him, has finally stopped loving him. Can’t Myungsoo at least send him a letter, explaining why? Woohyun is ready to accept anything, he just needs a reason.

And now, when Woohyun is still lost because of Myungsoo, his best friend who always gives him an assurance and advice is released. He is happy for Sungyeol for getting out of jail, but at the same time, he feels sad because he loses another person. Sungyeol has been with him for 8 years, they are as close as brothers now. It will feel weird spending time here without Sungyeol, moreover if he got a new jail mate.

“Don’t miss me too much, okay?” Sungyeol says, after he is finally ready to go. He looks happy, but at the same time conflicted. Woohyun knows that Sungyeol will joke around now to conceal his worries.

“Why would I miss you?” Woohyun wonders, following along. He is also worried for Sungyeol, who doesn’t even have friends or family out there, not even a place to go, though apparently, he will temporarily stay at a nice jail guard’s home. He has told Sungyeol to come to his family restaurant and ask for a job, he really hopes that Sungyeol will do that. He wants to help Sungyeol adapting to the outside world once again, though he can’t help much.

“I bet you will miss me soo much you feel like dying,” Sungyeol says with a laugh.

Woohyun shakes his head, “Don’t worry, I won’t miss you.”

“Yes, I won’t give you a chance to miss me,” Sungyeol nods, “Since lover boy doesn’t visit you anymore, I will be the one who visits you.”

Woohyun can’t say anything to that, being reminded of the pain he is going through. He is glad though that he finally has someone who will visit him other than his family.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t remind you of that,” Sungyeol apologizes, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly, “But I will really visit you often.”

“Why?” Woohyun wonders. Sungyeol doesn’t have to.

“Because you are all I have in this world.”

***

After 9 years in jail, Woohyun finally gets released from jail. He is supposed to spend more than ten years there, but he manages to get an early release for good participation and behavior. He feels so happy that he can finally get out. He doesn’t want to spend an eternity there.

Of course, he has seen the sky during his stay in jail, but now when he is finally out, the sky seems brighter and the air smells cleaner. He doesn’t get a lot of time to enjoy his release before he is attacked by a hug from his mother who is already crying. He hugs her, also feel happy that he can finally live with his parents again. He is so lucky that his family still accepted him, even after he screwed up his family’s reputation.

“Woohyun-ah! I am so happy that you’re finally free!” his mother sobs in his embrace, while Woohyun can only pat her back.

“I am happy, too, Mom,” Woohyun says, feeling so soft inside, “I am sorry for being away for so long.”

He never stops feeling sorry for his family. He used to be their hope, but now he is their shame. He intends to repay his family as much as he can. He has decided to devote his whole life to his family.

“It’s okay, I am just happy that you are finally by my side,” His mom says, “Don’t worry about anything, I have prepared everything for you so you won’t have a hard time from now on.”

His parents have been working hard to make their restaurant successful, so Woohyun can inherit it and has something to do. Being an ex-convict with no degrees, it will be hard for him to find jobs, so they were already thinking about fixing his future. Woohyun would be forever grateful for them.

“Thank you, Mom.”

Woohyun looks afar and feels surprised when he sees Woohyun, standing far away from them. Sungyeol seems to realize that Woohyun sees him, so he smiles. Woohyun smiles back at him, though his presence makes him feels sad because he doesn’t see someone he wants to see around. Myungsoo probably doesn’t even know that Woohyun gets released today.

His father, who has been silent, letting his mother have her moment, finally speaks up, asking a questing, “So, Son, is there anything you want to do now?”

Woohyun wants to go to a lot of places. He also wants to search for Myungsoo. But he has a lot of time for that, so he just answers, “Nothing. I just want to go home and lay down on my own bed.”

He wants to enjoy his freedom first.

***

Woohyun feels weird for feeling happy to see a hospital and goes inside it. But perhaps it’s natural after spending years in the same boring place. He had never gone out during his stay in prison, and now being outside, every place seems like a new place. The outside world has changed a lot and Woohyun feels glad that he can explore it freely for now. Even going to the hospital seems exciting, though it’s definitely not exciting for his sister-in-law who is currently giving birth in a room while the whole family sans Woohyun’s brother is waiting outside.

Woohyun doesn’t have to come, but he comes anyway because he doesn’t want to be alone in the house. He ends up feeling nervous, too, for his sister-in-law. He has only known her for several days, but he is already fond of her. He is nicer than his brother, at least.

He clears his throat, his tongue is dry. He asks everyone, “I want to get a drink, anyone wants one?”

He ends up getting several order and regrets asking as he goes to the nearest vending machine, having a little trouble with the machine because he forgets how to use it. He ends up buying the drink one by one, having to hold them one by one.

“Yes, it’s already accepted. Don’t worry, I promise I will rest really for the next few weeks.”

He suddenly hears a very familiar voice. It’s a little fa, and yet somehow Woohyun can hear it. He will always recognize that voice, even after years not hearing it. Even after almost ten years, his Kim Myungsoo radar is still strong.

“You should have taken a leave sooner,” someone else says. Woohyun turns his head towards the direction the voices and sees that he is right. It’s Myungsoo, wearing a doctor coat along with another doctor by his side. They are talking to each other, unaware of their surroundings, unaware of Woohyun.

“Well, I will die of boredom if I take it too soon.”

Woohyun is distracted by the sight of Myungsoo’s body—his stomach. It’s big and Myungsoo has been caressing it repeatedly. Woohyun almost drops his drink when he realizes something.

Myungsoo is pregnant.

That realization is followed by another realization that Myungsoo must be mated to someone now. The one who is currently walking by Myungsoo’s side, carrying a box of things while talking to Myungsoo, smiling at Myungsoo lovingly.

Woohyun quickly hides himself behind the vending machine, just in case Myungsoo will turn his head and look at Woohyun’s direction and notice his presence. His heart is beating so fast—not only because he finally sees Myungsoo again, but because of the things he just found out. The sight of Myungsoo looking happy, the sight of Myungsoo being pregnant of someone’s else child.

Woohyun feels his legs weakened as it finally dawns on him that Myungsoo really has moved on—that he has someone else by his side now.

To Be Continued