Dream, may all of creation be with you till the end of your life

Dream, may your trials end in full bloom

- Agust D

What he meant by that. I might never be able to decipher it more as it is.

Maybe because, like him, I cannot share the common interest as having a dream.

Because to me, when I see the word dream, all I think is that realm concealed behind darkness one dives into after (having) fallen asleep. It’s that time of the day my eyes are closed, my body relaxed, my energy replenished, and my mind at peace. But that doesn’t happen anymore.

Right now. In this moment. I’m in dreamland.

But why must I still hear the hushed bickerings between my members in the early hours of morning before dawn? Before light?

My eyes open unwillingly and my body sits up, tired and aching. Jung’s gone, I noticed. The slit of light through the door led me to their voices, harsh yet quiet. Sleepy yet alert. It’s like they’re trying not to hurt me, but it echoes.

“She’s not gonna wanna go back.”

“I know, but she’s hurting. She needs to go back.”

“She’ll only get worse if she stays.”

“She’s fine as she is. I don’t see the big deal about this.”
“Sana, I’m not trying to be mean but there’s been something going on. She needs help!”

“What’s going on?” I appear in the kitchen, yawning, eyes now begging to be closed with the bright light shining at them. Sana almost tripped as she ran, rushing over to give me a morning hug as the band of four parted their circle.

“Momo, how are you feeling?” Nayeon asks, eyes concerned. People were right; her face does look intimidating when she’s focused on something. I smile goofily and nod.

“That was a good sleep.” I lied.

“Are you sure you don’t wanna go back to sleep?” Jihyo looks at me, “It’s only 4. Your class starts at 10, no?”

I shake my head, “Nah. I’m gonna go for a jog.” As much as I loved sleep, I didn’t want to go back. I never want to go back.

“Jogging. At 4 in the morning.”

“Just let her.” Jungyeon pours a cup of coffee, “She needs space, no matter how odd her requests are.”

“Unnie is peculiar these days,” Tzuyu mumbles whilst hugging the doorframe to their bedroom. It’s too early to get anything much done yet too late to snuggle back in her bed so she watches me go, wondering what’s going on or what might go on in her Unnie’s slow mind.

 

I really have been quite peculiar, no doubt about that.

I remember about a week ago I had broken a porcelain bowl on my way to the dining table. Most of the members were out so only the School Lunch Trio heard my dinosaur roar. Picking up a rather large fragment, I had blanked out and only brought back with Tzuyu’s doubting question.

“Unnie… what are you, doing?”

“Eh?” I looked up at her and then down at my hands where the fragment was held in between the index and thumb while the sharp side was resting on the vein along my vena amoris of my wrist.

When Chaeyoung walked in with a bowl of finished snack, she simply sighed and bent down to help me up. I felt a punch of remorse for her, though I can’t seem to remember why or when or how. “Chaeng.”

She hummed as she dust anything off me before pulling me away from the shattered pieces. “I’m sorry.”

Chaeyoung didn’t reply for another minute. I couldn’t tell if she was thinking or if she wasn’t, but when she did, all she said was, “Don’t be. It meant more to you than to me anyway.”

“Yeah but-”

“Unnie.” she cut me off, “I’m fine. Okay?”

“Okay.” I didn’t remember what I was going to say, my mind was blank the entire time but the words just came out. Maybe it was from my heart, Sana suggested. Maybe on reflex, shrugged Jungyeon.

All I remember was that I was banned from holding a plate that could break until deemed otherwise. Jihyo proposed, the other 6 agreed unanimously.

 

“Momo. You’re blanking out again.” They called to me and my mind snap back to the noisiness of the cafeteria on that busy Tuesday.

Normally I’d apologize or laugh it off, but this time I didn’t and instead says, “Jihyo.”

“What?”

“I killed someone.”

One or two of the members groaned as a few mutter ‘not this again’.

Nayeon grabs my hand and leans towards my face, so close I can sense Jungyeon’s glare even when she’s sitting next to me. “No. You did not. You didn’t do anything like that, Momo I don’t want you to think that way.”

“Then why do I think that way?”

Jungyeon adds in while she push Nayeon’s face from my view, “Because, you’ve gone through some stress and your mind wants you to think so. Don’t think too much about it, okay?”

“Okay.” I lied again.

 

“Hm, Chaeyoung’s birthday is coming up and I’m supposed to organize it. Unnie, how about we do a whole glow-in-the-dark theme where we splatter paint that glows at the wall or maybe something more abstract? Or let’s write a song? Or! Get the signature of her favorite artist? Or-”

“Dahyun.” I cut her off before the words she articulate so clearly sound more like gibberish rambled together through my ears.

“Yes, Unnie.” We’re walking home on a familiar road, but the cherry blossoms had just bloomed. “Has the sakuras always blossomed this late?”

“Unnie, what do you mean this late? It’s only late March right now, when it’s usually blooming.”

“Right?”

“Yup. Which reminds me, can you help me with Japanese homework? I asked Chaeng and she said to ask you so please don’t tell me to ask Chaeng again, or Sana Unnie.”

“Why not Sana Unnie?”

“Because she’s busy.”

“I’m busy too.”

“Yeah but she’s busier.”

“Well I’m busiest.”

“bUT SHE’S BUSY TUTORING TZUYU.”

“Oh. Right.”

“And besides, you’re just trying to evade work. I know you’re not busy at all. You didn’t even go to any clubs these past weeks.”

I laugh at her sulking mood, “Alright, alright. You got me. I’ll help… Dahyun.”

“Yeah, Unnie?”

“I killed someone.”

“I know.”

“You do?”

“I know you keep thinking you killed someone, definitely not that you did.”

“What makes you think I thought so?”

“Because usually when you kill someone and you openly confess it, don’t you get investigated and thrown in jail? Why aren’t you punished, Unnie?”

I did not know.

“Because you didn’t kill anyone. Simple as is.”

“Ah.”

“Right, I have to meet up with Chaeng by the park for our biology project. Unnie, is it alright if you walk home alone?”

“Of course it’s fine, I always do don’t I?”

Dahyun looks hesitant, muttering, “You always walked with someone,” as she turns to the street she had to follow to the park. She kept glancing back at me, eyebrows slightly furrowing before deciding I was okay enough to finally be left alone. And so I walk on.

 

Today some guy in one of my class asked something back that I could not answer. The ice breaker question the teacher assigned was “What was the worst thing you’ve ever done”. Most of the girls dramatically exclaimed KPOP OVER HOMEWORK so they still had homework up until 4 in the morning. As for the boys it was LEAGUE/DOTA. Most of them was for humor, others simple crimes. But for me.

“I killed someone.” Again, that sentence came out from my mouth without logic nor reason, it just did. The class was dead silent. The teacher didn’t know what to say. The students didn’t know how to respond. Except, one guy raised his hand and staring at me, questioned, “Did you really kill them? As in using your own hands, even if it’s second handedly, did you end that someone’s life?”

I had blinked, throat feeling hoarse as my mind searched for a reason to prove me guilty, “No, I did not.”

He leaned back against his chair, “Then you didn’t kill anyone. Simple as that.”

He sounded like a psychology major. The focus in his attentive eyes, the certainty in his movements, they’re all too similar. But I could be wrong. Maybe even his name. People said his name was Jeongnam. But I could be wrong.

 

My strides halt abruptly when I step on a small red string that led to somewhere I’ve been before but only once.

“Why is our Momorin so deep in thought?” appears Mina who walks by the row of smooth rocks that create a line between the asphalt road and the lush green grass. It doesn’t even look like she’s walking, but more like skipping above them ever so softly. Almost like Tinkerbell gave her some magic fairy dust but not enough to lift her 5 centimeters off the ground. So I hold onto her hand that slid easily into mine.

“I am?”

“Yeah, very deep in thought, actually.”

“I don’t know why, but I keep telling people I killed someone.”

“You don’t know? But you tell them that?”

“No, I do know. Just it seems I can’t remember who when I actually tell them about that.”

“Hm~ and their response?”

“Many gave me weird looks like I’m super odd, though I know I am. Others smile sympathetically but I can’t tell why they should be sympathetic to a killer.”

“And the members?”

“A lot of groaning from the members. They don’t seem to take me quite seriously.”

“I wouldn’t take you seriously either.” Mina laughs, charmingly yet still gracefully like the steps she walk. I frown.

“Why wouldn’t you?”

“Philosophically,” Mina turns to me, mischievous and carefree, “Why would I?”

“Right, right. Philosophy.” she doesn’t give straight answers to deep questions. If she did, it’s just too real and all I could respond is with “:O HOW’D YOU KNOW?” so the dark ambience changed back to bright.

“Hey.”

“Yeah, Momo?”

“I killed someone.” She only nods, “I’m serious.”

“Well then, I killed someone too.”

“Eh? Who?”

“Myself!” I pout, “My soul, is dead on the inside.”

“I’m serious.”

“Okay then.” Mina stops walking, “Who’d you kill?”

“That’s the problem. I don’t know who I killed.”

“But you know you killed someone?”

“Yeah.”

“How’d you kill that someone?”

“It’s not by hand.”

“Then what’s it by?”

My head starts to hurt, so I grab hold of it. My eyes hurt too so I close it for a moment. I can still hear Mina’s voice ringing crystal clear in my ears, but nothing else. Everything else sounds distorted. The ground feels unstable, like there’s an earthquake. But there is no earthquake.

“In-influence.” I felt my memories coming back to that time. Well this is bad, I didn’t want to come back to anything. Coming back is terrifying. Coming back is like opening the door to the Underworld and welcoming yourself in. I didn’t want to come back. I didn’t want to understand it again. I didn’t want to live it again.

“Influence, how?”

“Stop.”

“You wanted to know, don’t you?”

“I-I don’t know.”

“But you do.”

“I didn’t help them. I didn’t know what was going on in their life. I could’ve done something, anything, but I didn’t.”

“So it’s what you didn’t do, not what you did.”

I stay silent.

“Momo,” Mina chuckles, “You didn’t kill someone. Please don’t live your life on thinking like this, that someone had a choice and what they did can’t be changed by anyone else. It definitely wasn’t worse than mine, but here I am. Still smiling and fine, am I not? Feeling better?”

I can only nod.

“Do you remember who you thought you killed?”

I nod once more.

“Who was it?”

I look forward at the tombstone where the red string had led me to, where the grass had grown so tall it tickles my hands, where the afternoon breeze sings me a mellow lullaby, where a bouquet of fresh jasmine flowers lay by my feet. Tears well in my eyes, and I know why.

“It was you, Mina.”

I breathe out these words to let them be carried on with the gentle wind.

“It was you.”

I’m not crying, it’s just that it’s pollen season.

I’m not crying, it’s just that it’s blooming cherry blossoms.

On March 24th.

 

Everyone else is running,

Why am I the only one here?

 

“Maybe because you’re dreaming again, Momo.”

“Maybe I am, Mina.”

“Is it a good dream, though?”

“Yeah. It is.” It’s not a lie this time.

 

 

 

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A/N:

Allow me to explain a backstory of this mess my writing style has created.

1. This was like a dip into a serious topic, hence why it’s short and vague.

2. Mina committed suicide, Momo’s depressed, the others seem to not care because they’re all hurting on their own, Chaeyoung empathizes with Momo the most (also the one who left the flowers).

3. Someone is Mina, Jeongnam is an allusion of Mina, Red string of fate connects Momo to Mina.

4. Momo didn’t think she was allowed to dream but the entire day was really a dream.

5. Mina wants Momo to turn to the next page of her story

6. Just in case, please don’t hurt yourself in any way. You’re wonderful ^_^