I am a good person. 
Wait am I? 

I have done everything with good intentions. 
Wait, what if I just did them with nothing but my own selfish intent?

Who am I? 
I rolled to the other side of my bed, and saw my reflection on the mirror across the room. 

"Hello" I said in an inaudible voice. The reflection stared back with such dull eyes. 

I extend my arm, reaching for the mirror, no use. 
I try again inching sideways until I fall of my bed. 

I slowly, crawl.  . . . 
I touch the reflection of my face. 
"Are you disappointed in me?" I asked, I waited for a reply as if it would answer back. 

I lean my forehead looking closely. "You were so full of hope. You thought you could conquer the world with your charms."

'Hell no idiot' a voice inside my head answered. 

I swallowed the lump in my throat. "I'm still a great leader, I did my best."

'Really? You left, a nobody and returned more than a sore loser than ever.'

"That's not true." 

I look around me, posters of myself, my former self. 
Looking all confident and proud. All looking down on me, the young me strongly believed he would succeed, but I failed him. 

'You were an idiot, a big humongous idiot.'

I look back again in the mirror.
Clutching on my chest, it hurts, it hurts so much. 

What am I doing? 
Is it okay? 
What do others think of me? 

My head hung low, every breath I take becoming more uneven, tears threatening to spill. 

'You used to think you'd be known in the whole country, internationally! '

I am, I've built myself well. right? 

'Really? look at you'

I look back at the mirror, and I see it clearly, I look,  . . . . like I mess. My glasses perched on my nose, my eyes look so blank, my face looked stupid. 

'You're left behind dearest Angel without Wings.  . . . . Siwon is known even in other countries, Donghae and Eunhyuk, the ones you treated like children back then making names for themselves! Shindong directing and chereographing, Yesung, Ryeowook, Kyuhyun, Zhoumi, Henry all have solo careers, Heechul an exponentially better MC than you.'

Am I really that left behind? 

'You promised the young ones to keep everyone together til the end. But look at your so called 'family' Jungsoo-sshi, started from 15 ended up with 7.'

I feel numb, staring blankly, It's painful, yes, but also I feel nothing. I want to laugh it's strange. 

How am I so hopeless, I should, I should.  . . . . . 

'Kill yourself, like how you tried to, back in the army.'

Yes. 

'You don't matter Jung Soo-sshi.'

I nod. 

'Your father committed suicide, up to his last breath he thought of you as a failure!'

I am, I haven't done anything to make him proud, all those years.
I tried, I did try, everything. I pushed myself, to the very edge, to my limits.

Was it really not enough? 

I sat back on my bed, my body taking a mind of its own, open the drawer, took the the cold piece of metal. 

'Ah yes, cutting, slitting ,very high schoolish of you Jungsoo-sshi.'

I unsheath the knife and put it towards my throat.

"Hyung, I know you're going through things, but everything will get better."

Those words.  . . . they rang in my head. 

"10 years hyung, and never have I ever regretted trusting you, Thanks hyung."

But I'm. . . . 

"Aish you take it all in yourself, we know it's hard on you, please rely on us more Jungsoo-sshi"

I looked back at my reflection, it stood there. With a menacing smile,  'you really think they meant it? '

"Yes!" I said looking straight, clenching my fists.

And it hit me. I have done what I can, and I'm still doing so, not everything is my fault. 

Heavily I breathed out, "I will not give up! I will not for as long as I breath! " I was almost yelling trying to cast my own demon away.

"I did my best and. . . I am happy with it, if I die I will die without regrets knowing I did everything I can!"

I gritted my teeth as supposed to keep myself from crying. 

"My mem-My family they love me! They need me! They trust me! I may have failed them once , but never again. " I exclaimed emphasizing on the last few words. 

I put a hand on the mirror leaning on it once again, I took a deep breath "Listen to me!  I will go on, I will continue and I will sure as hell prove myself." I said with fury and sincerity. 

"I will do everything I can, so that one day I will get rid of you- the part of myself who hates me!!!!"

I feel lighter better. I laugh, knowing I sound crazy

I slowly slump down on the floor, crying into my hands, 

I bit my lip, and tears blurring my vision. "I-I . . . . I will press on with my dreams. for me and the people who have loved me."

I am not alone, I am not a failure, I can still go on.

"I am strong."