You shift nervously on the couch as you sip your soda. Yugyeom laughs at some joke BamBam said but you didn’t hear it. Actually you can’t hear anything other than the loud thumping in your chest. Yugyeom squeezes your hand and you turn to face him.

“Are you okay? You’re face is red.” He says as he brushes your cheek with his hand. You immediately still and look down. You’re stomach further knots inself into a crazy stress ball it’s been slowly making ever since you heard he was coming. He who was supposed to be in America and not in Korea. He who you haven’t had any contact with in over a year. He who you shouldn’t even be thinking of right now.

“You don’t seem too hot to have a fever..” Yugyeom says as he feels your forehead. He who isn’t the wonderful person beside you, with eyebrows scrunched together in worry. And you suddenly feel that prick in your heart magnify. The one you’ve been feeling ever since you heard that a certain someone was back in Seoul. Guilt? Sadness? You couldn’t even figure what it was but it was there.

“Excuse me? Me? Not hot? My perfectly shaped would beg to differ.” You say to relieve his tension although it did nothing for yours. His eyebrows shoot up and he laughs that boyish laugh you love hearing.

“I can’t really remember what your perfectly shaped looks like though… you’d have to jog my memory.” He says. And you know he’s teasing you but you can’t help but think he may have other intentions.

“You wouldn’t dare forget my . Even amnesia wouldn’t touch the memory of my because it’s so perfect. Stop trying to get my clothes off. You’re not getting laid tonight.” You say smirking.

“Bet you I can change your mind before we get out of this house.” Yugyeom says in a low voice as he leans in, as if trying to whisper to your ear but instead plants a soft kiss on the skin just below your jawline. Your skin starts to tingle and the hairs on the back of your neck stand.

“Bet you, you won’t.” you say breathlessly as you try to calm yourself. He repeats the kiss again and you flush. I’m pretty sure I’m going to lose this bet, you think to yourself.

“Oh get a room.” You hear BamBam say from beside Yugyeom. You laugh and slightly push Yugyeom away. Yugyeom turns to look at BamBam and smirks.

“You’re just bitter Gen is in Australia.” He says laughing.

“Oh lay off him, he’s been whining about that all day. “ Youngjae says as he continues scrolling through his laptop. “And you shoudn’t much, pretty sure Coleen’s gonna run away with you clinging to her every minute of the day. Aren’t you, Coleen?” He continues as he looks at you and wiggle your eyebrows in a conspiring manner. You laugh just as Yugyeom throws a pillow at Youngjae, which hits him square in the face. Suddenly the doorbell rings.

“That must be the hyungs, I’ll get it.” Yugyeom says as he stands up, gives you a peck in the cheek and rushes to the front door. Youngjae throws the pillow at his back in a vain attempt to get revenge.

“Seriously, what did you see in that guy?” He looks at you quizically. Before you can answer, however, Yugyeom returns with Jaebeom, Mark and Jackson, who all seemed to be carrying grocery bags. You immediately notice he isn’t with them.

“Did you guys buy food? Yes! I was starving!” BamBam says excitedly as he leaps from his spot in the couch and rushes to check the haul.

“It’s not for you to touch yet, the girls will kill you if you do.” Jaebeom says as he and the other head into the kitchen. A minute later, the aforementioned girls, Thea, April and Mig, come in, followed by Jinyoung.

He’s here, moving graciously across the room and into the kitchen with a bag in each arm. He’s here, laughing with the others as Jackson and BamBam tries to pry open the grocery bags only to be reprimanded by April. He’s here, standing and stopping a few feet from where you are, staring at you as if he’s seeing someone he never expected to see again. He’s here. And he brought all of the past with him.

And he’s looking at you… walking towards you.

Oh God.

Your breathing starts to quicken and there’s a sense of panic suddenly building inside you. Your mind starts to go crazy as you try to think of anything you could possibly talk to him about or say to him. But there’s nothing! You don’t even know how you feel! Are you mad? Resentful? Happy? Or should you just pretend that all of the unresolved things between you two are gone now? Maybe that was for the best. Just treat him how you would treat the others, casual and friendly— even though all the air has left your lungs and your heart feels like it’s going to jump right out of your chest.

“Hey, Col, Thea wants you in the kitchen!” Yugyeom suddenly calls out and you jump from the couch in surprise. “Coming!” you say frantically as you try to sidestep away from Jinyoung who is now right in front of you. “Wait.” Jinyoung says in that calm way that he always does as he grabs your wrist to stop you.

“Can we talk?” He asks. His eyes, which used to tell you stories with just one glance, now reveal nothing. All they reflected were unanswered questions that had slowly accumulated from the past year and a half of separation. And all at once, you realize you could never be casual and friendly with him. Not until you understood what happened between you two.

“I can’t, not right now.” You say as you shake your head and loosen his grip from your wrist.

“Col, I need you to understand. We need to talk.” Jinyoung insists, his calm voice now mixed with a hint of desperation. You shake your head no.

“Later, but not now. They’re calling me. But we can discuss all of… what happened in the past later.” You say. Hurt flashes in his face for a second. “All of what happened in the past?” he says slowly, as if the words are hard to say.

“Yes, Jinyoung. The past.” You repeat, confusion interlaced with your words. Why was he even acting as if your words hurt him? What was he expecting? A reunion? To patch up old wounds and get back together?

You see Yugyeom stride towards the both of you and you step away from Jinyoung. Jinyoung notices and looks at you and then at Yugyeom in confusion.

“Hey, jinyoung hyung, I know you haven’t seen Col in a while but the others need her in the kitchen. And they’re getting impatient. Nikki was about to rip my hair out.” Yugyeom says as he wraps an arm around your waist casually and pulls you to him. You can see Jinyoung’s whole body tense as he sees the gesture, his eyes travel from your waist to your eyes. There is no mistaking the sudden coldness in them.

“Yeah, go ahead, Yugyeom. We weren’t really talking about anything.” He says without any emotion as he turns to the couch and walks away from you. You feel that prick in your heart again, only this time it’s not just a prick anymore. It feels like someone punching you in the heart. You let Yugyeom take you the kitchen just as the other girls tell the boys to get out of the kitchen. They all shuffle out; Yugyeom gives your hand a squeeze before he goes out as well. It feels like all of the energy suddenly left your body and you half heartedly cook with the others, absent minded and thinking about the exchange that just happened with Jinyoung.

“Col, are you there or are you sleep walking?” you hear Mig ask beside you.

“Oh hey sorry, I didn’t get what you said.” You reply as you shake your head to clear your thoughts.

“I asked how it went with Jinyoung. We had the boys here earlier, so that you could be alone with him.” She says. You suddenly realize that even Thea and April are looking at you while doing their respective tasks.

“Nothing happened. We didn’t really get to talk.” You say as you drop your gaze and start rinsing the used plates. They all remain silent as if waiting for more but you’ve got nothing else to say.

“How are you holding up though?” Thea asks.

“I’m really okay.” You say with a shaky laugh.

“Col…” Thea says in a pitying way.

“Really! I’m okay. He left, what, over a year ago? I’ve moved on. I’m not that sobbing mess anymore, I don’t need any explanations. He moved to America and disappeared. That’s all it is now, it’s a fact and I’ve accepted that it happened. I’m with Yugyeom now, I’m happy. I’m really really happy. Seriously, I’m happy.” You say in one burst of breath.

“One more time. Say you’re happy, one more time and we’ll believe you.” Mig says. “I’m happy, okay?” you say in reply.

“but?” April prompts. “I know there’s a but in there.”

“but, nothing.” You say with finality. They all look at one another while April shrugs. “If you say so.”

They resume normal conversation until the food is ready and brought out to the dinning room. You all have dinner and Jinyoung doesn’t approach you, talk to you or even glance at your direction the whole night. The others are oblivious to this but you’re not. Because all the while, the pain in your chest grows and doesn’t stop growing.

You’re all drinking and chatting, when suddenly the topic goes to Jinyoung and his time in America. He recounts his time in a university there, the part time job he had while he was studying and all the people he met and the places he visited. You can’t help but see his happiness as he recalls all this. The pain suddenly triples.

“So, met anyone there?” Jackson asks as he wiggles his eyebrows in a mischevious way. Your grip in your beer bottle tightens. The pain in your chest is almost unbearable now. You suddenly realize you don’t want to hear his answer. You tell Yugyeom you need to go to the restroom and walk away from the group.

Instead of going to the bathroom, however, you head to the balcony. You take deep breaths and for a long time you just stare up the night sky and pray to God you can stop yourself from doing what your about to do. But it still falls anyway. A single tear, followed by another and another and another, until you’re full on crying.

The confusion of being left behind catches up to you. You remember the morning after he left for America, you couldn’t focus on your work because he hadn’t replied to your texts the whole night. You had a small fight earlier that day but nothing too serious that he wouldn’t reply to you at least once. Jinyoung wasn’t like that. You went to his house that night, after work, worried sick that something might have happened. Jaebeom answered the door and told you Jinyoung left to America.

“Didn’t you know? He’s going to study there for a year to finish his PhD,” you remember Jaebeom saying. And the way you stood there dumbfounded and confused. There must’ve been a mistake. This must be a prank. No, he’s really gone, Col, didn’t he tell you? He couldn’t have just left without saying anything. He couldn’t have he wouldn’t have.

You waited for him to call and when he didn’t you did, but he had changed his number. When he didn’t reply to your emails, you thought he must’ve not be getting them. He couldn’t just have left without any explanation.

But he did.

And that fact hit you three whole months of waiting, texting, emailing. And it hit you like a big wave in the ocean. Slowly at first and suddenly it’s drowning you pulling you down to the bottom. You started to question yourself, maybe it was you. You never should’ve fought with him that night. Maybe you weren’t pretty enough or smart enough. Maybe he just didn’t love you back. Maybe all the kisses and I love yous really meant nothing. Every one of your friends comforted you, told you it wasn’t your fault, it was his. They were angry at him in your stead. They did everything to comfort you but the only thing you needed was one they couldn’t give.

An explanation.

You don’t remember the following months. It was a blur of mostly tears and misery, of not wanting to get up in the morning. Or all the times you got yourself drunk just so that you can numb the pain or just to make the time go faster.

But then you started to be okay. You don’t know what or when it was, but slowly the pain ebbed down. It was still there but it felt as if your body had learn to tuck it in away safe in a chest, never to be opened again. You started hanging out with people more. With Yugyeom. And without realizing, you fell in love again.

But why am I crying now?

The chest had been opened again. It was towed away but it never disappeared. And now the pain was back and stronger than ever. You hear footsteps behind you and you quickly wipe your tears.

“I was wondering what had happened to you.” Jinyoung says as he stands and leans on the railing beside you. More tears flow out as you hear his voice. It isn’t fair for him to just come back and ruin all your efforts to get over him. He notices you crying and quickly cups your cheek with his warm hand.

“hey, why? What happened? Please don’t cry.” He says leaning forward and kissing away your tears, his lips soft and warm against your cold cheek. You feel every fiber of your body come alive with just that kiss. But you know it’s wrong.

“Stop, Jinyoung.” You say as you try to pull away but he envelops his arms around you and bury his head in your neck. You almost melt. You smell the familiar scent of his shampoo and feel the familiar firmness of his arms, the way it made you feel secure. Your hands vainly try to push him away, but you’re too weak, not to mention your confusion made you even weaker. Did you really want to push him away? But this isn’t about what you want anymore. This was wrong. There was another man inside of that house who loved you and cared for you.

“I said stop!” you shout and push away as hard as your can. Suddenly, you were angry. Angry at Jinyoung for leaving, angry at the universe for letting you meet again, angry at yourself because for a moment, you let yourself imagine a future with Jinyoung.

“You don’t get to hug me and kiss me! You left me!” you scream at Jinyoung. “You left me without saying anything. You didn’t even take the time to break up with me!” you say as you push him again, putting more distance between you than before.

“Col, I can explain.” He says calmly, which makes you angrier.

“Explain? Fine! Did America suddenly lose internet connection? Because I swear I sent a thousand emails! And also cell reception? Land line? Mail ing post? Tell me! Because I have spent the last year and a half thinking it was all me. That I was the mistake here and I’m so tired of tearing myself apart just to find all the mistakes that might have caused you to leave.” You say the last words furiously with angry hot tears streaming down your face.

“God, Col, I’m sorry. ! It’s not like that. I just didn’t want you to know the real situtation!” Jinyoung says as he balls his hand into fists until his knuckles were white. It was obvious how much he wanted to hold you but he was restraining himself, afraid of how you would react.

“the real situation? The real situation is you didn’t goddamn care!” you shout as your knees buckle underneath you and you sob into your hands. You feel him pull you to him and kiss you on the cheek, on the forehead, on your lips.

“I’m so sorry, Col. It wasn’t like that. I… for the past year, I’ve been taking care of my mom. She was sick Col. I had to fly to Seattle to get her treated… it was so bad.” He says, his voice cracking. You feel his tears wet your shirt as he slowly starts to sob. His voice drops to a whisper as he continues. “I couldn’t tell anyone in the family, she didn’t want anyone to know. I told the guys I was going to there for my studies but I was mainly there because I had to help my mom, Col. And I just couldn’t tell you and even bear to lie to you. I couldn’t even look at you, because every time I ing did, I knew I would breakdown and tell you everything. I just couldn’t Col. I ing love you. But I had to respect my mom. It was her wish. It was her last wish, Col.” Jinyoung says with so much desperation and grief as he continues to kiss you. He was crying harder now, his tears and yours mixing as you cry for him, cry for his confession.

“Last wish? Jinyoung…” You say, not accepting what the words meant.

“They couldn’t do anything about it.” He replies choking at the last word as more tears flow out. You cry and hold him. You hold the boy you’ve loved forever and watch his world crumble from beneath him. You hold him, trying to keep him whole when you know he won’t ever be again. So you just cry, cry for him and the woman you both loved. You cry for the year he spent alone, helpless as he watch his mother die. You cry as he tells you all about his mother and how she remained optimistic in the end. How she believed that healing comes from within, but that was bull. She didn’t give up, she told herself everyday that she was not going to let her family see her like that, that she was going to go back to them whole, but she never did.

You cry until there’s no more but grief. And when the tears run out, you just hold him and pray you can take his pain away. Or maybe, really, you’re holding on to him to keep yourself from falling apart, because tonight, you find yourself loving two men so much that your heart just ripped apart.