I was the shy type. Always on the safe side. The kind that would let opportunities pass me by just because I’m afraid to try. I was afraid of failures. But I wasn’t always like that.

I grew up in a humble home. My mother was a vocal coach at a local music school. My dad works as a bank teller. They used to be in the same band together when they were in college. They became best of friends then eventually fell in love with each other. Unexpectedly though, their love resulted into an unexpected pregnancy. That was me. My parents were still young when they had me and so my mom had to stop school and my dad became a working student to support their newly created family. It was a tough time although they always say that they endured it because of their love for each other.

But life for them became harder as I grow older. They decided to quit the band. My dad had to apply for side jobs because their income just wasn’t enough to pay the bills and to support my education.

Growing up my dad would play his guitar for me while my mom sing my favorite song. That was our family’s bonding moment. Their dream was to become famous musicians and I believe if my mom didn’t get pregnant with me, they’d probably be famous by now. They’re very talented and my mom’s voice was heaven sent. It was angelic.

It was too angelic that the heavens decided to take her there and sing there forever. I was sixteen when my mom passed away from Idiopathic Dilated Cardiomyopathy. They never got to marry each other. And that thought broke my dad even more. It was the turning point of my dad and I’s life. Our life that used to sing along to the melody of sunshine now hummed indie folk under the penumbra.

My dad is a nice guy with many talents. Although we didn’t have that much money, he would always say that family is more important than any luxury in life. Happiness for him is seeing his family together, healthy and safe. But after that unfortunate day, he was never the same. He cried every day, every night. It was as if I’m seeing a different man. It was very painful for me to see. The man that I used to look up to. The man that was always so positive. The man with so much potential. The man in front of me, was not that man.

Our lives continued. Every night I would hear my dad play his guitar and for a while I would see him smile. I know very well how he wanted to become a famous musician. If there’s anything that would bring the sunshine back to my dad, it would probably be his music and so I encouraged him to try and reach for his dreams. He tried to audition for big music labels, small music labels, and local music labels. He was rejected by them all. They said that my dad was good but they were looking for younger talents. Preferably without a partner and a kid.

My dad’s depression worsened. One night he went back home drunk. “Dad! What happened to you? I don’t like you like this!” I shouted at him. I was angry.

“Don’t raise your voice at me! I can drink when I want to and you can’t tell me otherwise” he retaliated.

“Look at you dad! You’re ruining yourself!” I cried in frustration. The last thing I wanted was to lose my dad too.

“I’m ruining myself? No! I was already ruined the moment you came into our lives! I was on my way to reach my dreams but you happened!” he retorted then started to break down and cry.

I was surprised at what he said. My already heavy heart bagged another ton of hurt. My eyes started to fill with tears. His words stabbed my heart like a butcher. Although I know it was probably alcohol talking, my mind still can’t stop thinking about the truthfulness behind his words. I felt like the only person left in my life, left me too. The thought of him used to bring me peace but it brings me chaos now. Although he loved and cared for me so much, at the back of my mind I know that there’s this small truth that I was the cause of his failed dreams. I carried this thought unconsciously. He said sorry after saying that. He hugged me tight. I hugged him back. I forgave him. But the thing he said, I didn’t forget. What he said left a scar in my heart and a hollow in my brain. My relationship with my dad is still the same but my thoughts about everything weren’t.

Since then I became distant. I used to be a cheerful teenager but I became quiet. My sadness developed into an inferiority complex. My drive for excellence dissipated. I settled on the safe side. I was afraid of failures. I saw h