It was a Thursday evening, the sound of the cold incessant rain of late autumn descending in torrents filled the apartment as he remained curled up on the couch. The dark room would occasionally light up with the bright flash of lightening but he stayed unflinching, numb even with the booming, ripping clap of thunder that rattled the windowpanes. Usually even a mild rumble of thunder would have him startled but now he couldn’t feel anything. The world was etched in charcoal and all the vibrant hues that he saw the world by was only a vivid dream. Buried in darkness, he felt suffocated but unable to move because he was more terrified of the light.

So Mark stayed, unmoving with the dark thick aroma of isolation. He wondered where it went wrong. He wondered what he did wrong. The beads of water started falling one after another, his dark lashes brimmed heavy with tears, emotions swirling like ocean currents as the soft sobs echoed through the entire apartment. But that’s okay because no one was there to hear them.

He was hopelessly in love but he had always known that he was never enough for the perfection that was Park Jinyoung; girls and boys alike threw themselves at him at any given chance and Mark had been just as enamored by him as anyone, except as unbelievable as it sounds, Jinyoung seemed just as interested in him. As hard it was for him to comprehend, Jinyoung was just as smitten by Mark as Mark was by him.

He was reluctant and fearful of giving in to someone way out of his league, he knew he didn’t have much to offer to someone like him but he stood no chance when the younger was always dripping with charm and radiating with so much warmth, making him believe that he was perfect the way he was. He allowed himself to be blinded by the idea of love and block what his inner, a much more practical Mark had been yelling; leave before he leaves you because he will leave you when he finds someone better.

All his insecurities came alive now, mocking him as if saying ‘told you so! Did you really think he was going to stay with you forever?’ The answer was yes, he had the audacity to dream of a forever, even though he should’ve known better.

He didn’t know what happened and why was it so sudden but before he knew all of his time was spent either in his office, away from Jinyoung or in his couch, alone and away from Jinyoung. No more surprise lunches that could fix a bad day, no more soft kisses to shower him with love, no more back hugs, his recipe for sweet comfort or even the lingering stares that used to make him feel flustered. Now he was invisible. It’s wasn’t a foreign feeling for Mark; he was invisible for most of his life. He never stood out; his longing for quietude, his shy demeanor and his distaste for unwanted attention left him in the shadows, unseen and unnoticed. But not with Jinyoung. Never with Jinyoung.

The younger had tunnel vision when it came to Mark, something that always left the older in awe. But now he was the same, except this time it hurt. Living in the same apartment, he wouldn’t even spare a glance at Mark and Mark found out what pain truly felt like. Sometimes he would catch Jinyoung’s cold gaze when he would try to initiate conversation and it broke him to see that there was no warmth, no love and certainly no hope. He stopped trying after a while.

Mark knew that it was a matter of days before Jinyoung would finally ask him to put an end to this, he was surprised he hasn’t already. He wanted to be prepared, to be strong. His things were packed, waiting to be kicked out for whatever crime he had committed.

His phone buzzed to life suddenly, interrupting his train of thoughts. Picking it up he saw Jackson’s message to his question of whether or not he could move in with him for a few days.

From: Jackson

Wtf of course you can move in dude! You don’t have to ask me, but why do you think you would have to move out in the first place? Jinyoung loves you with his life man, he would never ask you to move out. Things might be going a little rough, but it won’t come to that.

Mark smiled bitterly at the text and agreed partially. He liked to think that at some point Jinyoung loved him as much Mark loved him. With shaky hands he started to type, Jackson being the only friend he could talk to at the moment.

To: Jackson

Feelings change. His certainly did. He can drop the question any day, so I need a place to stay until I find my own. Thanks for helping me out. I won’t stay in your hair for long.

From: Jackson:

You can live here forever, what are friends for? But why Mark? Do you think he’s cheating?

Mark frowned at the text. Jinyoung was a man with very firm moral beliefs, one of the many things Mark fell in love with. He was always one to do the right thing. Mark didn’t doubt his faithfulness even for a second.

To: Jackson

He is a lot of things but not a cheater. He just…..doesn’t like me anymore. He may have found someone better, it’s not hard to do but I don’t believe he has cheated.

Jinyoung couldn’t even bear to even look at him these days as if it caused him physical pain, but Jackson didn’t need to know that. Mark always thought he was replaceable, so the prospect of Jinyoung finding someone who is as perfect as he is shouldn’t be surprising. Wounding yes, but not surprising.

From: Jackson

Then why are you still there? Why don’t you demand an answer and break it off? How are you okay being treated like that?

It was a good question. He was certain Jinyoung didn’t want him anymore yet he couldn’t find the strength to leave. He wanted to stay as long as Jinyoung would let him.

To: Jackson

Being here, I still get to see him Jackson; I get to make dinner for him and get to be his boyfriend. He leaves breakfast for me before he goes, even if he doesn’t actually greet me. I know he doesn’t want me anymore but the little gestures by him and for him mean the world to me and sometimes just breathing the same air as him is enough. It’s pathetic I know. But I’ll take whatever I can get. Think of it as treasuring whatever time I have left with him before…..you know he decides it’s enough.

From: Jackson

Mark, you’ll be the only one getting hurt that way. Leave him or at least talk to him about it. You don’t deserve this. If he doesn’t like you anymore then why hasn’t he ended it yet?

To Jackson:

Pity maybe? I do look pitiful and sound like it too. Maybe he’s giving me time to prepare.

From: Jackson

I’ll punch the living daylights out of that er the next time I see him. Come back Mark, I’ll set u up with guys much better than him. You can do much better.

To: Jackson

He got over a relationship Jackson, he didn’t commit a federal crime. He fell out of love, that doesn’t make him a monster. I’ll be fine, I can’t have him but I don’t want anyone else either so please don’t worry.

From: Jackson

Don’t do this to yourself Mark.

Mark didn’t reply and just slid his phone on the table. Jinyoung would be returning in a few hours, so he just lay there curled up as a ball in the couch. Jinyoung would as usual ignore his presence but from here he would at least be able to catch a glimpse of the man he was in love with. He knew he was going to lose that privilege soon, so he waited for him with tears in his eyes. He cried silently until his eyelids got heavy, his chest aching, remembering the last time Jinyoung kissed him was almost a month ago. If only he knew that it would be their last kiss.

I wish I could be what you wanted was the last thing he thought before he drifted off to sleep with a sad smile on his face, body cold and numb, and face wet with tears.

Completely worn out from the office workload, walking sluggishly Jinyoung was about to enter the building when suddenly he heard a familiar voice calling out his name. Turning around was the biggest mistake he made because his face, specifically his nose collided with someone’s fist who definitely was not new to punching people.

He staggered back with a cry from the blow, almost toppling over the bench next to him.

Clutching his nose and whimpering in pain, he looked for the attacker. It took a few seconds for his eyes to focus but then he was able to make sense of the features of his attacker who looked familiar and furious as if he was the one who got punched in the face.

‘Jackson what the ?’ Jinyoung managed to yell out

Jackson was standing there, clenching and unclenching his fists, looking like he was restraining from punching him again.

‘Why the did you punch me? And why the do you look like you are about to do it again?’

Jinyoung was outraged but Jackson looked remorseless with his jaw tightening and his eyes ablaze with anger.

‘Trying to make things even. Why should Mark be the only one who’s broken? You deserve to feel some pain too’ He finally answered with gritted teeth

Jinyoung’s eyes widened at the mention of Mark before he narrowed them and spoke coldly ‘If you want to catch up with your friend then go ahead, don’t bring me into your bull’

That just made Jackson angrier as he grabbed the younger’s collar and slammed him into the wall, Jinyoung groaning from the impact

‘What the hell happened to you? You loved him so much! Now you’re the one killing him!’

Jinyoung despite the stinging pain in his nose, glared at Jackson

‘So he complained to you? Playing the victim is he? Where was all the ‘love’ when he was faces with Brian?’

Jackson loosened his grip on Jinyoung but didn’t let him go and stared at him in utmost confusion.

‘What are you talking about?’

Jinyoung struggled against his hold but Jackson was much stronger. His resistance was futile.

‘Tell me’ Jackson practically growled and Jinyoung sighed in defeat

‘Fine, but let go of me first’ His voice sharp like daggers, not his usual gentle and mellow voice and Jackson complied.

Brushing off his clothes, Jinyoung took a deep breath, his expression still cold and said with an even colder voice ‘Follow me’. He started walking off to the exit of the building, not even bothering to check if Jackson was following or not.

The arrived at the huge garden of the building and took the unoccupied seats in the bench wordlessly. The tension in the air was palpable and not even the gentle breeze or the quiet giggles of the kids near them could diffuse it.

‘Talk’ Jackson spat out harshly but Jinyoung seemed unaffected

After a while he started talking, his voice was awfully strained and filled with bitter disappointed

‘It was Bam’s birthday. I came early and alone since Mark had to work longer. I was waiting for him Jackson, too see his face after such a long day. His smile alone always made my stress disappear.’

He paused and Jackson stopped himself from hurrying him.

‘He texted me that he reached the place, and I started searching for him and then…….then I found him.’ Jackson stared at Jinyoung who was fighting back tears and continued in a choked up choice ‘I found him with Brian in the hal