How I Started the Cockroach Apocalypse

 

Kwon Jiyong was not lonely nor a sourpuss with a huge stick rammed up his . Neither was he “dreadfully luckless with his unrequited desires of the heart”, his no-good dongsaeng used to cackle as he explains that his heinous plan of humiliating him in front of the love of his life had come at last, nor was he “pining for his one true love in a horrible rendition of Prince Charming and his migraine-inducing monologues of love, destiny, and fictional dragons.”

He skillfully ignored the voice that suspiciously sounded like the rat.

He was just thinking. With a frown.

Okay, so he was sulking, sue him! He’s a Hallyu star, with millions of won attached to his name. Not to mention, his face was seen everywhere, even his image that was crudely drawn with Sharpie at public restrooms.

With all that fame and fans, he’s entitled to sulk even more.

A fact he wanted to drill into s but said members, which consisted of an evil maknae, a Doraemon-obsessed vocal, and a scheming chinky-eyed badboy wannabe, were busy making villainous plans in those head of theirs, and he should be terrified of what they could do together, but he’s too tired to make the parrots stop spouting their mouths off.

And to think he thought Youngbae won’t join Seungri’s crazy hobbies, but no!

In a stunning turn of events, Seungri was not the evil mastermind.

Youngbae was.

“So, Seungri, what was that statement about noona taking girlfriend pictures in ‘Get it Beauty’ all about?”

Crack.

Damn, there goes my chips, Jiyong mourned for the broken food.

But he. Must. Not. Rage. Like. A. Jealous. Boyfriend.

Which you’re not, the Seungri-sounding voice taunted in his mind.

Seungri chewed on his food. “She didn’t say, but,” He leaned in, eyes glinting with manic energy. “I heard rumors.”

“What rumors?”

“That noona's taking girlfriend shots because she has a boyfriend.”

Blag.

Blop. Blop. Blop.

“Ah, .”

The three members looked at him weirdly. Youngbae raised an eyebrow. “You okay, Ji?”

The person in question was poker-faced as he raised his dripping phone from the mug. “Yeah. My phone just got dunked in my coffee. No biggie.”

Daesung laughed, Youngbae raised an eyebrow, not believing his , but he let it go. Seungri, on the other hand…

Seungri resisted the urge to cackle like a madman.

Daesung frowned in thought. “Where did you hear the rumors?”

Yeah, Seung-rat, where?

Jiyong nonchalantly grabbed a book placed on the table and read the title.

The Library of Unrequited Love by Sophie Divry.

He sighed in resignation.

“Oh, you know, here and there, this person heard from that person, who heard it from a person they know of, who heard it—”

Slap.

“Ow, hyung! Why do you all like to hurt me?”

“Maybe because you deserve it? Come on, tell me the rumors—won’t tell anyone, scout’s honor.”

“You don’t even know what a scout looks like,” Seungri mumbled sullenly. “Okay, fine, I heard it from Bom noona.”

Jiyong’s eyes widened behind the raised book. He subtly leaned forward.

“Bom noona? Damn. Then this isn’t a rumor. Darayang really has a boyfriend.”

Creak.

Jiyong did not find it in him to feel sorry for tearing an ear off the page.

“Uh, not exactly. Bom noona’s not sure but she has some theories.”

The helpless feeling vanished and replaced by hope and dread.

“Like who?”

"Well, Bom noona told me someone tried to get a date from Dara noona but Sang-Hyun dongsaeng freaked him out better than locking him in a haunted mansion."

 

Youngbae was too interested for Jiyong’s comfort. "What happened next?”

 

“Talked to Sang-Hyun and he hated the guy's guts. Like hated. Thought he was easy picking because I wasn’t there when the guy cornered noona and her brother. Hah! Big mistake."

 

The two main vocals of BigBang were all for the juicy gossip, almost falling off their seats as they leaned as close as they can towards a smug Seungri. Jiyong was the same, though he won’t admit it even at the threat of death.

 

Seungri started his story telling, voice tinged with excitement. "The guy's super popular. And I don't mean like BigBang-type of famous, like bad-boy clubbing persona, but the type that you can take home to mean your parents. He's just that nice and sweet it was icky,"

 

"But that's just in cameras. Good thing Sang-Hyun didn't let noona go without him. And if someone as nice as Cheondoong dongsaeng hate someone so strongly, well, I was intrigued. So, to have a feel of who the guy was, I asked him to go with us to eat out and go to a nearby noraebang in Gyeonggi-dong. And, man, the guy's a narcissistic bastard. Sang-Hyun was so furious he even scared me, almost punched the guy’s lights out but noona was there, so he had to act like they’re best buddies ‘cause noona doesn’t have any idea of what her little suitor was without her listening in. Damn that guy, just want to be more famous by being the first actor to go on a date with Sandara Park."

 

Creak. Creak. Creak.

 

Youngbae was angry but the eavesdropping dragon was about to release a torrent of flames towards the unnamed bastard. But he soon reigned it in, he doesn’t have the right to do that. Sure, as a good dongsaeng, he should light the guy on fire and cut his head off with a blunt kitchen knife but…

 

Jiyong shook his head slightly, raising the book a little higher. He idly wondered what the purpose of hiding behind the book of unrequited love would do if he’s as tense as a drawn bowstring and the book was about to fall to pieces.

 

"Actor? Wait—when did this happen again, Seungri?"

 

"Uh, last time I met Bom noona, which was five months ago?"

 

Daesung and Youngbae exchanged an alarmed glance. Daesung gulped. "Oh dear. So that's why. He stopped calling noona because of Kim—"

 

"Shh! Be quiet hyung! Remember the ‘scout’s honor’ thing. No name-dropping from now on.”

 

Seungri was impatient. "Wait, wait, what are you both talking about noona?"

 

Daesung hesitated before saying slowly. "Well, someone approached me on the taping of Running Man almost a year ago and wanted to hang out with me. But I’m not stupid, I read articles too and watch fancams when I need to. Mostly 2ne1 and now BLACKPINK fancams just so I’d know who I should threaten after the music shows. But the ones who I need to protect the most were Dara noona, Bom noona, and Mingkki-yah. One’s too young to be dating, another was so clueless and naïve that it’s not even funny, and another turn to a raging Bominator at a blink’s notice. I know a recipe for disaster when I see one,”

 

Don’t remind me, Jiyong silently sighed as he thought of the girl.

 

Daesung continued after sipping on his water. “So, yeah, the guy was direct and straight-to-the-point-no-nonsense kind of guy and told me he liked noona and asked me if I could help him be friends with her. I called Bae hyung for some advice and he said to go for it. By the end of the day, and with our lovesick guy raising valid points and his determination to get to know our clueless noona, I gave him a chance. Hey don’t look at me like that, Seungri! He’s the kind of guy that I like for noona so plus points for him,”

 

Youngbae shrugged. “He did not meet with Dae again and we thought he chickened out, but I stumbled on him in a mutual friend’s party and he approached me, said he thought about what he wants to do and was adamant that I introduce him to noona after months of pondering. I had the chance two months after. I introduced him to noona a week after the 2015 MAMA awards and in a mall out of all places! Noona was hungry, I was available for the day because Hyorin was in a photoshoot event, so we grabbed some ramen and the guy was there, eating alone! It was fate, I tell you.”

 

No, it wasn’t. It’s called stalking, he spat in his mind.

And if his hands were curling amongst themselves, unconsciously imagining them circling around a certain unnamed man’s neck he ignored them.

“They clicked immediately, you know, chatting ‘till midnight and meeting at rendezvous points all around Seoul, once in Japan, and twice in Singapore and Hongkong, and the guy introduced noona to his parents and noona introduced him to hers—Cheondoong dongsaeng likes the guy, until now they’re still in contact with each other. Heck, she even introduced the guy to Chaerin and YG Sajangnim—as a friend.”

Is it bad to smile? Jiyong thought idly. But he smiled all the same, worries abated.

 

Seungri grimaced. “Poor guy.”

 

Daesung nodded in agreement. “But don't tell Darong about this but she's so clueless that he likes her. Shot him down the friend zone before we can tell her he doesn't think of her as a sister noona. I mean, come on! You just don't give a 'friend' one hundred pink roses and a jet-plane ride to Versailles for kicks! But Santoki noona doesn't know that. She thought he gave her the roses because she liked pink and the Versailles trip because he wanted to tour her around his mansion and vineyard and make her taste the wine, as 'friends'. Didn't know whether to cry or bang her head on the counter, really."

 

Seungri raised an eyebrow. “That’s the best you’ve got? Man, thought the guy you helped was the ultimate dream-boy for noona, because you don’t even want to drop his name, but no, that’s not the extreme—yet. I had to help five suitors. Five. At the same time.”

 

Bang.

 

The three was engrossed at the story that they did not notice a certain dragon put his book down, gulp all of his hot coffee in an attempt to calm down, and bang his phone on the table. Hard.

 

Seungri tapped his chin in thought. “I have to admit, those five gave me a hard time because they were so focused on making noona look at them the way they look at her. Well, noona looked alright, but not at them but for them. Should’ve mentioned to the guys that noona’s protective of her dongsaengs.”

 

Youngbae grimaced. "You think that's the last of 'em but damn, noona's too attractive to be safe. There were others I'm sure, that only unnie knows about but the ones we know of were the ones who had the, ehem, resources and hidden contacts to send her stuff that, ‘till to this day, were left untouched in one of the rooms near Sajangnim's office.”

 

Screech.

 

Daesung looked up. “Waeyo, hyung? We didn’t notice you there.”

 

Youngbae questioned him as he eyed the ragged papers in his hands. “Are you alright, Ji? Chaerin’s book’s mutilated beyond recognition, hyung. You might want to replace that before she comes back here.”

 

Seungri grinned. “You going somewhere, hyung?”

“Yes.”

 

Silence.

 

Seungri raised an eyebrow, “Well?”

 

“I have to do inventory in the rooms near Sajangnim’s office—never know when some cockroach would attack the boss and a rabbit, so might as well exterminate all pests before they set us on fire.”

 

“Uh, cockroaches are scared of fire, too.”

 

Youngbae had a strange glint in his eyes. “Since when were you qualified for pest control?”

 

“Since now.”

 

Youngbae stared at the squared-off shoulders and hard expression on his best friend’s face. “Oh, what the heck, fine. Set the gifts—I mean, cockroaches on fire. Oh, Ji?” He called out at the retreating figure of the fearsome leader of BigBang.

 

A grunt.

 

“You should check the second hallway, second door to the right, lock’s with YG hyung’s secretary if you’re in a hurry to save the CEO of YG Entertainment from the cockroach apocalypse.”

 

The raging dragon was gone before Seungri could stop sniggering.

 

Daesung was smiling in amusement. “You think he got the message?”

 

“You mean he needs to pick his up and do something about his stupidity, then yes, he got it.”

 

Seungri laughed. “That was epic, Youngbae hyung! Good joke on Jiyong hyung, too.”

 

“Huh? That wasn’t a joke.”

 

Silence.

 

Blinks.

 

Exhaled breaths.

 

Swiveling his head slowly, he gaped at the serious expressions on their faces. “What—You mean the ‘friend zoned’ guy with the jet-plane ride to France and pink roses was true?”

 

“We don’t lie maknae, unlike you.”

 

“But—but—I thought I was the only one telling the truth and I just followed the cue to tease hyung…”

 

All of their eyes widened.

 

Seungri was wildly flapping his arms in the air. “—Hyung will set the building on fire!”

 

At the same time, Youngbae and Daesung were panicking.

 

For a more important reason.

 

“Damn. Five suitors, all at once. Ji will explode in anger, I tell you. Which means—”

 

They looked at each other in horror.

 

“More midnight practices.”

 

All three BigBang members slipped into chaos while a raging dragon planned to bathe the world in flames.