We Matters

BGM: Urban Zakapa - Wish

 

 

After a tiring day
When I came home
Strangely, I felt an unfamiliar feeling

An unknown dizziness
An unknown frustration
Will I be okay?

-Urban Zakapa, Wish-

 

 

‘click..clack..click..’

Sungjae stood there listlessly as he looked at her back that faded away the further she walks and as the sound of her heels dulled down.

He and her are like an old song. A broken record that kept playing in his head… that he fears cannot be fixed anymore.

That night is like any other night. His schedule finishes early and he slumps his back on the car seat thinking of plans to avoid going home early. He has nothing going on in his life aside from his career. And he has no schedule… maybe he should just sleep.

He opens the door to his home which he resides alone. He lives separately from s now. He turns on the light switch as he throws away his backpack.

He heaves a deep sigh.

His house is dark and empty. As empty as his life.

He did not know what to do so he scrolls down his contact list to see whether he can contact anyone.

Nobody…

All of his friends are too busy now and it is late in the night.

Should he call his omma?

She will be worried if he did.

He scrolls the contact list further down and stops at the sight of her name. Naturally, his eyes glaze over the name on the phone screen.

“Joy..” Sungjae spoke softly to himself. It feels like if he says it any louder, he will break.

He slightly wonders whether she even use the same phone number anymore. He spent most of the time wondering but they haven’t talked to each other in ages so it would be really awkward if he actually called her.

Curiosity got the best of him as he pressed dialed.

He feels his heartbeat fasten as he nervously waits.

“The number you have dialed is not in service.”

He feels his heartache for some reason.

“She changed her number.. She never told me this.” He chuckles trying to brush the embarrassment of being ignored and to some point forgotten.

Will he tell her if he changed his phone number though?

He doubts he will… so who is he to be so bitter about her not informing him?

Too bored he goes for ‘Insta Live’ as he speaks rubbish English to his fans who seem to reply in English and some in Korean.

“I am lonely..” He says in broken English.

“Waa oppa can speak English!”

“Oppa so funny!”

“Go find a life oppa!”

“We support you!”

He responds to them by saying.. “Maybe I should, after all, get married early.”

“Kekeke… I hope you meet a pretty wife.”

He wishes his fans a good night as he buries himself on his bed again. Unable to sleep. He does not remember when… but lately, he feels nothing but emptiness in his life. Like he is lacking something even though he has everything now.

He just stares lifelessly, a bitter smile is decorating his face.

What is wrong with him really…

It was one of those nights… Those nights where he feels the world is against him and he is a miserable being.

Maybe a quiet walk will do.

As he walks through the flickering street lights and the bustling sound of the city, he hugs himself for warmness.

It is a cold night, as cold as what his heart is now. He misses his own bright smile and laughter that he produces naturally without any pretenses. Maybe, he just misses the presence of his hyung but BTOB is not that ‘active’ now. Not like when they just started off.

He sighs yet again.

How he wishes he is able to write and compose song because thoughts keep flowing into him… and he wishes to convey it. But he is not a composer or a writer… he is a singer. He wishes to learn from his hyung though. He means it but he is too busy with his acting gig lately.

He drops by to a grocery store passing by a huge poster on the street and settle to sit on a bench near the Han River. He grabs the can of beer and a refreshing sound of ‘the can pop is produced..’

He gulps the drink.

There… he hears a soft humming sound coming from his right side. It is slightly further away from him. Maybe 2 or 3 benches away but he can hear that person.

It is a familiar silhouette.

For the first time that day, he smiles.

‘Ah, it has been a long time.’

He just sits there…. his heart pounding on the thought of seeing her so close to him again. Naturally, his lips curve into a short smile. His eyes are looking at her backside intently.. her silhouette is as beautiful as ever.. but it gives him pain as he stares at it longingly. Scares that it might disappear if he makes a move so, he blinks nervously not wanting to interrupt the girl who he had once has a pretend marriage with.

After 15 minutes, she stands up. She almost walks pass him..when her steps take an abrupt stop.

“Oh.” She exclaims.

Sungjae does not know whether to decipher it as an excitement of seeing him after a long time or just a surprise ‘oh’ or just an ‘oh’ that simply means she does not care.

“Oppa.”

With the familiar word calling him, his nervousness fades away and is replaced by a soft smile. “Annyeong.”

“What are you doing here?” She asks, still very much a few steps away from him. Her thin lips spread into a forced smile.

“Just needing some time alone.”

“You must be tired.”

That bright toothy smile of hers.

Her teeth are all line up perfectly now. It must have been tough for her..she lost a ton of weight too seeing how her waist is probably the size of his big hand now.

“Why you so thin now Joy?”

Joy feels her heart drop at his concern remark.

Joy has this unreadable expression to her as she looks at some place far away. She avoids any eye contact and he can see that she does not like him prying over her life. Or to be exact, being too familiar with her.

“Isn’t this the ideal body for a celebrity?” She looks at him. But it kills him seeing how her eyes are devoid of any emotions.

“J-joy you do..”

“You should not worry about me oppa. I am fine.” She interrupts him before he can say anything.

She seems so cold… and so distant.

Her face is empty of the smile she used to wear all the time when he was with her.

How she had changed…

How he had changed…

His heart breaks a little thinking about it.

His silent thoughts are being put into a halt when she continues her sentence. “Well, I do not want to interrupt you. I’m glad to see you around. It has been a while.” She continues before excusing herself.

She let out a polite smile, cover back her face using her black cap and walks away from him. Once again showing the back side he hated the most about her.

He does not know what has gotten into him, but he can feel her slipping out from his grasp and it turns into desperation as he stands up, slightly raising his broken voice trying to get her attention.“Are you busy?”

Still, she continues walking.

He is unsure whether she hears him or pretending not to hear him. Somehow he feels it is the latter.

“Park Sooyoung..” He calls out again.

She stops. Almost frozen on her spot.

“If you are not busy, stay.”

Joy is reluctant to do so… but something in his tone made her turn back to look at him.

Sungjae is a lot of things to her. But the Sungjae standing in front of her now looks like a lost puppy and a fragile one at that. His eyes are broken and desperate… almost as if he is pleading her to stay. Like if she doesn’t, he is going to break. Somehow she feels the need to stay… and almost like a delusion, she is having… she hears his voice crack when he had asked her to stay.

It is impossible but it feels like he is on the brink of crying.

“I shouldn’t oppa. It is late.” She carefully declines his invitation.

“I know..”Sungjae nods in dejection. “I know but..it has been a long time.” He pauses like something is restricting him.

She knows what is it..

He knows what is it too..

Nobody has the guts to say anything until Sungjae breaks the silence.

“I just really hate seeing your backside. It feels like you are leaving me… it is weird I know. But I just felt like I’m being left again.”

But of course, he never said that.

Instead, he says… “I hate being alone.”

Joy sighs…

“Aigo oppa. Here I thought you have grown up. Maybe sleep can wait.” She laughs.

They sit next to each other with a gap in the middle, giggling to each other joke as Joy lets Sungjae lead the conversation as it ranges from weird thing about a baby talking to his filming set and even on how he wishes to sing his next song.

He stops though, looking at her with an unreadable expression. Her heart pounds crazily at his gaze.

She can never read him.

She honestly feels like escaping this… whatever conversation they are having now. It is dragging her back to the old times which she had managed to get rid of.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Why are you not talking?”

“I have nothing to talk about.”

“Liar. I see your face all around those Seoul big posters and you tell me nothing is going on in your life.”

“I have nothing going on oppa. It is just working here and there.”

“Do you hate me Joy? Cause it seems like you do.”

“Are you kidding oppa?”

“Nevermind.” Sungjae pauses as he stares at his front again.

To the bright light decorating the city as it passes by the flowing river.

“Have you ever think that if we do not meet in a show like We Got Married, we can be best friend? Like, we can talk about things and stuff. We can laugh at each other silly jokes and just be extra with each other with no restrictions.”

“Aniyo. I don’t know about oppa but I certainly enjoy doing We Got Married with you and I honestly have no regrets about it.” She smiles genuinely.

But she knows where is this going to lead to.

This is tiring…

This is not needed. She has moved on.

He needs to stop dragging her down.

“But it is the past and it is nothing to keep pondering about.” She is about to stand up when she feels his big warm hand feels trying to interlace his fingers with hers.

If it is even possible, she feels her heart splattered around.

It breaks her, really.

She is about to cry but fight the urge to do so.

What the hell is he doing messing with her?

“Oppa..this is too much.” She tries to release her hand from his when she stops as he speaks..“I miss you. I have honestly missed you.” If it is even possible, his voice sounded deeper than usual. It sounds really manly and sincere.

She cannot help it and turn to look at him.

His eyes are teary.

What is this…

“I just feel really glad to see you again. I don’t think I have ever laughed and had my heart beat this loud with a girl before. I forgot how this feels like. I really do. But then, I see you again. Here, of all places.”

“Oppa.Jaebal. Stop this.” Joy says almost begging to him.

“Then what are you doing here? Don’t play dumb with me Joy. This is the spot. My spot.Our spot.”

“This is Han River oppa. Everyone hangs around here. You should stop and let go of me. It is in the middle of the night and this is so not you. You are the one drawing the line being afraid of your fans. So what are you doing now?”

“It has been years Sooyoung ah. It has been years.” He emphasizes. “And I feel so stupid for thinking that it could be a fleeting thing. It’s not.”

He continues yet again. “I feel so empty for quite a while not knowing why. Until I see you again. It feels nice..like I actually care about something. I just find the reason of why my heart is empty. It has been a while that I forgot why I am even sad… But I do now. I just need you… Just please let me try. I can try now. I can make you happy if you let me.”

Joy feels truly stupid but somehow the tears flooded her eyes are not stopping and it flows down with each sentence he utters. How she had wanted him to say this to her.

“Can I hug you Joy ah?”

She did not manage to even respond and just like that he sweeps in to hug her.

“Why now… why now of all time?” She whimpers.

She knows the right thing to do is to push him away… but she is too exhausted. His shoulder is so comforting that the next thing she does is to melt into his embrace as she sobs louder.

“It is going to be okay..” His big warm hand circles around her back. Soothing her… calming her with every single sob she made.

“I’m sorry.” He says repeatedly as he her hair lovingly.. “It’s going to be fine. We will be fine.”

***

Wendy is watching the television when she hears someone is keying in the password door.

She checks the time on her watch..

2 A.M.

She peeks at the door only to notice Joy trying to sneak into her room.

“Ya.. Where have you been that you come home so late?”

“Exercising.” She answers as she slightly holds her chest due to the shock of Wendy calling out for her.

“Then why are you sneaking in?”

“I just don’t want you to ask me question so late in the night.”

Wendy pouts. “Fine.”

Her response makes Joy feel guilty. So Joy goes to sit next to Wendy as she leans on the older girl shoulder.

She looks extremely tired.

Wendy wonders why though.

“I did go for exercise. I just coincidentally meet someone there.”

Wendy raised her eyebrows. “Who?”

“Sungjae oppa.”

“WHAT?!”

“Unnie!” Joy hushes the girl by palming Wendy’s lips. “They will wake up.”

Joy pulls her hand away from Wendy… but sighing knowingly at the presence of their maknae.

“Yeriyaa. Come out.”

Yeri giggles and pull out the other 2 from her room.

“I mean you are a grown up and all but you come home so late.. a-and you don’t have any schedule.” Wendy complains.

“So what happens?” Seulgi frowns despite yawning her way to the living room.

“I honestly just don’t know what happened. It just happened. We hug..”

“Omo..omo…omo… Don’t tell me Joy!”

“Aniyo.”

“You are quite lewd so we don’t know,” Yeri says blatantly only to be the receiving end of Joy pillow throw.

“I think I’m just stupid. I shouldn’t even let him hug me. I should just run when he asked me to stay. But he looks so fragile I just don’t know… I don’t want to leave him alone. But, I don’t want it to be his loneliness talking you know.”

“Joyie you are too soft-hearted..” Wendy sighs.

“Joy.” Irene finally speaks out.

“Ne unnie.”

“Just be you. Erase that concerns of yours and just see.”

“You already have a few relationships, but you are still nervous when it comes to him?”

“I don’t know why… it feels like I’m being my 19 old self when I’m with him again.”

“I don’t like feeling this way.”

“Then get a proper closure this time but Joy… you clearly have some leftover feelings for him. Work it out.”

Later that night, Joy zoned off while looking at the scenery outside of her room window. Her mind was filled with thoughts as she saw the raindrops hitting the glass.

She finally decided to press his number that she had saved.

“Oppa..”

“Ne Joy..”

“Can I trust you this time?”

“I’m serious this time Joy. I’m not playing around”

“B-but oppa.Its been a long time. I could hardly tell whether I even like you anymore.”

“I will prove to you. I’m serious and you will know then what to do. Just give me a bit of time.”

She feels honestly comforted that he is o adamant on trying it out with her. Trying things they could never when she was young.

He is so manly now…

So different…

So estrange too.

She doesn’t know where and how but she took the jump of faith and said the next word. “okay oppa.”

Irene rubs her sleepy eyes groggily as she steps outside of her room andseese Joy putting on her brown trench coat.

“Where you going?”

“Something like a date I guess.”

Irene nods knowingly. “With Sungjae?”

Joy nods reaffirming Irene question while reaching  for her cap and her mask.

“You are wearing all of that for a date?”

“What’s wrong with this?”

“You are not going to dress up?”

“Am I not pretty today? I always dress up like this when I went on date in the past too.”

Irene laughs. “You did not. This… You cover everything from head to toe. You are trying harder to cover up. Aren’t you supposed to be more enthusiastic going for a date and with a man you used to really like.”

Joy pauses for a moment before sitting with a heavy sigh. “Unnie… what’s wrong with me?”

“Don’t your heart flutter when Sungjae said all those words to you that night?” Irene goes to sit next to her dongsaeng.

“It did it is just..”

“Sooyoung…” Irene flickers her forehead. “Stop thinking.. Just go out and have fun… Aigo, what has the entertainment business do to you. You used to be so bright, so positive and so uncaring. Come to unnie.” Irene hugs the girl beside her and pats her back.

 “You did a lot for the group and we always feel thankful for it but you seriously need to stop being so hard on yourself. I wish this career of us do not drag you down like it did to me. Find meaning in life, Joy. Joy is your name after all… how can you bring people joy if you don’t live a joyful life yourself?”

***

Sooyoung steps out outside and is greeted by a white Mercedes car and a man casually wearing his white t-shirt with blue jeans with no mask whatsoever to cover himself up.

Not to mention, his lack of disguise.

Yes, he is gorgeous standing there leaning on his car door waiting for her… It feels like a drama scene. If she is still the young her, she will probably be spazzing internally on how handsome he is. But she knows better now, that this kind of guy is the one that will break her.

Meanwhile, Sungjae is baffled at how Joy got her hoodie covering her head and a mask to add on.

“What are you doing?” They both simultaneously say.

Sungjae shakes his head and asks her to answer him first.

“Of course we need to cover up. What about your fans oppa?”

“My fans? If it is about my fans , I don’t mind about them. Come here.”

Joy reluctantly steps closer to him before he suddenly pulls her closer to him. He pulls down her hoodie as he brushes her hair lovingly. He further helps her to open her mask.

“Don’t do this with me. I want to see your face and how can I see your smile if you cover it?”

“But oppa if people found out about this you are going..”

“Joy. I said it if this is about me. I don’t care anymore. I care about us now and we should be able to do what we want.”

Sungjae lifts her chin so that her eyes will meet his.. “Trust me?”

His eyes… feels like a spell as she nods along to his request.

He is leading her for the entire date. Teasing her like he always did…

Why now…

Why must it be now…

“Joy look at this carp, maybe we should take care of it?” He laughs as if he has the world in his hand. She cannot help it but laugh along.

He is that magnetic.

Even his hand is always holding her close despite a few people recognizing them. He didn’t seem to even care.

“I like this girl..” He declares as he grins to the people that is staring at him.

Called her bewitched.. But Sungjae has always been capable to give such effect to her which is why she is so scared of him.

She loved him.

But she hated his effect on her too.

He makes her feel helpless.

All the thoughts playing on her head doesn’t seem to matter when his big hand intertwined with hers and as he leaned in to gently plant a kiss on her forehead.

“I will make this work, but you need to help me. Let’s find happiness from now on Sooyoung ah.”

He circles his thumb on her cheeks..

They are nervous… nervous on letting people know that they are each other happiness.

But one thing Sungjae knows for sure now, it is that people perception doesn’t matter. He doesn’t need to answer them anything. He is not entitled to them.

 

“In times of confusion, take a step back and recall why are you there at the first place.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

Is it too long? This is a bit more to a sad side so i dont know what to think about it. What are your thoughts about this one shot? Do comment, so i will know where to improve. Oh, thank you for the early upvote too. I didn't even post anything concrete yet for that. LOL. I will take it that you have a strong faith in me as an author.