It was here once again. The destruction of sane will creeping on me.

 

The best thing was, I never wanted to fight it. Warning, note the irony. It was never in my nature. 

 

No, my mother, she didn't raise me the wrong way. She didn't do it even the good way. But was this really an issue dependable of upbringing? Nope, I doubt it.

 

I have a whole ing stash of reasons to be the wreck I am now.

 

But if you looked at me, you would see nothing wrong. We, idols, we have our smiles trained to the point they are sometimes hard to swipe off, even if it hurts facial muscles. It's part of my profession to give all the people the fake smile, to make them smile. But whether I give them a fake one or not, they don't give a I believe. And I don't really give it too. As I said, I'm used to it. And I actually enjoy the bittersweet taste of it. 

 

Because when it comes to this, I am a masochist.

 

So when I hurt myself, I actually don't. 

 

Sort of. You get it.

 

It's kind of my hobby, these last few years, exploring the new ways of it. 

 

You name it, I did it. You think of it, I did it. You don't even think of it, I still did it. 

 

Sometimes I amaze myself so much when I realize: ing Kibum, how are you still alive? I don't know, honey, maybe I am meant for this. This is my price for...for what. The expensive champagne I never asked for. The men and women that like to me with their eyes. And when I let someone have me for a moment, they only leave me with less than I had before. Because I am the star now, they are afraid they wouldn't be perfect for me. Yes one girl I wanted said this to me and run away afterwards.

 

I remember these lines from a sticker that was plastered in toilets in local coffeeshop in my old city.

 

When the last tree will be cut down,

the last river soiled,

the last fish caught,

you will realize that money cannot be eaten.

 

Yeah, nice, isn't it? I managed to have my dreams up for few years. 

 

But then. I started to feel like all my trees were cut. Or burnt. My rivers poisoned, dried. Fish were caught and sold only to greet death. 

 

I felt like those fish.

 

The bigger, the shinnier, the fresher you were, the better chances you had at being sold.

 

But in the end you always end up dead. 

 

So right now I am lining up some neat lines of coke on my shiny table with my golden cheque card. Ah the luxury of it.

 

I absentmindedly played with the white powder with serious expression until I realized what was I actually doing. 

 

I looked at the old ugly lady at the 50 000 won bill I were to roll and for a single second thought about my mother whom I didn't see for few years. I was about to inhale it up when my cell phone interrupted me by playing that obnoxious ringtone. I rolled my eyes in annoyance and retrieved it from my pocket.

 

I'm outside your apartment. J.

 

I didn't expect this. But that man was surely too cheerful and hopeful for my bitter taste. Either way I made my way to the intercom thing and looked onto the little screen and saw him stepping there impaitiently. I purposedly hadn't had my name written down there to avoid reporters or any other people. I pressed the speaker button.

 

,,What makes you think I want to be in your presence?" I asked flatly, mocking him in my dry, blunt manners.

 

,,Kibum? Let me in, I brought candy and new episode of Hidden passion on usb, pleaseee.." 

 

I screwed my face. Is he for real? I don't remember being too friendly with him. And how the heck did he come up with me liking candy? And I don't have time for sappy emotional doramas.

 

My coke is waiting for me to take me to the heaven.

 

I pressed the open button.

 

I don't give a if that moron sees me like this. 

 

Maybe I just need someone to weep over me.

 

Maybe I just need someone to join me in wallowing in my self destruction.