Very difficult and hard. When Jinki returns to the human world, he gets a weird sense of guilt. Despite the recommendation of not choosing his country of origin, Jinki’s case is South Korean and he’s now in Daegu. The fear of meeting people Jinki knew when he was still alive has him petrified when he steps onto the streets and even though Jinki’s family isn’t from Daegu, he’s supposed to be in Korea the next 25 days while he makes Christmas happier for his case whose father died last year. And when Jinki finally spots him on December 2nd he realizes that he can’t just go up to the other boy and say “hey, my name is Jinki, I’m here to make your Christmas better”.

It takes another 4 days and a call to Yunho to ask for advice before he finally manages to arrange a random meeting, but Kibum is not in the mood for any human (or non-human) interaction when they meet in a café. Kibum is sipping on his coffee when Jinki walks up to his table and casually asks if he can sit at the same table. Kibum barely spares Jinki a glance as he gets up and vacates his seat, only to let the table empty and the doorbell sing his departure. Jinki sighs and buries his head in the desk, facing the wood.

First attempt – failed.

But there must be a way to get contact with Kibum. If not, he’ll get his first warning for not doing his job correctly and that would be really bad. Especially bad. Jinki isn’t sure he wants to face Jonghyun to get a warning; the head angel can, in spite of his petite stature, actually be quite intimidating. So Jinki continues figuring out how to meet Kibum, get close enough to him and make Christmas just a little better.

✕✕✕​​​​​​​

Jinki stands in front of the theatre in Daegu, waiting for Kibum. Kibum doesn’t know that Jinki is waiting for him, though. It’s just that Jinki has an inkling that today is a day Kibum is going to watch a movie. Maybe it has to do with the fact that Jinki has yet to watch Wonder Woman and it’s showing, but he’s hoping that Kibum is going to be there as well, if only so Jinki can observe him. He knows he needs to establish a way to actually talk to Kibum but he’ll get there eventually.

Kibum does arrive but he doesn’t recognize Jinki and Jinki follows him closely as Kibum buys a little candy, enters the hall and sits down in his seat. Jinki places himself conveniently next to Kibum and sends him a small smile. Kibum ignores him completely so Jinki decides small talk might be in his favour.

“Hey,” Jinki says and Kibum looks at him quickly before he turns back to the blank screen. “Excited?” Jinki asks and Kibum sighs but doesn’t answer. Jinki frowns a little and looks towards the screen for a second until it lights up with a game.

“Oh hey, you wanna join?” Jinki asks and looks for his smartphone as players start to pop up on the large screen.

“Don’t have the app,” Kibum murmurs and Jinki deflates. When the movie begins, there’s no room for small talk and Jinki can’t even enjoy the movie because he keeps thinking he’s doing something wrong, that something needs to be different.

Second attempt – failed.

✕​​​​​​​✕​​​​​​​✕​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

It’s December 8 when Jinki has a full conversation with Kibum. It’s not really positive in any way, but Jinki reasons it’s a beginning and that maybe they can work out everything else later on.

“Why are you following me?” Kibum asks with a bite, hand on his hip, eyebrows raised and anger shining in his eyes.

“I wasn’t,” Jinki says and raises his hands in surrender.

“Of course you are, I’m not an idiot. What do you want from me?”

Kibum is stomping angrily like a child and Jinki finds it a little endearing and he would have probably laughed had he not almost been killed again by Kibum’s gaze.

“I just want your friendship!”

Jinki’s answer surprises Kibum out of his anger and he lets out a sigh as he looks towards the floor in surrender, his hand losing its grip on his hip.

“I don’t want to be your friend,” he says. Jinki dares to take a step closer and slowly lets his hands down by his sides, hoping not to surprise the other man.

“Why not?” Jinki asks, voice calm and soft. Kibum scoffs a little when he looks up, early surprise now again masked with annoyance and anger.

“I don’t want to be your friend, so will you stop following me?” Kibum asks and Jinki shakes his head, surprising himself as well.

“Come on, I’m not that horrible. Is a new friend really that bad?”

Kibum scrutinizes Jinki before he sighs.

“Yes, it’s that bad. Just leave me alone, ok?”

Jinki refuses to let the other boy leave, however. Not when they’re finally talking if arguing on whether or not Jinki is a stalker and will leave Kibum alone counts as talking.

“I just moved to Daegu a few days ago, can’t you help me out and show me around at least? You might find that I’m really not that bad.”

Kibum steps closer and folds his arms over his chest as he glares down at Jinki. Jinki just sends him a kind smile and stands tall in front of the taller man.

“Will you stop following me if I show you around?” he asks and Jinki nods.

“Sure.”

Kibum deflates, moves his arms and buries his hands in his pockets.

“Fine. Meet me here tomorrow at 9 AM and I’ll show you around.”

Then he leaves and Jinki is standing on the street with a wide smile on his face. An elderly lady looks at him with disgust and a few children snicker when they pass him, but Jinki’s good mood can’t be ruined that easily. He’s going to become Kibum’s source of happiness throughout December so he can be happy during Christmas.

✕​​​​​​​✕​​​​​​​✕​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

The sky is cloudy and dark the next morning, fog covering the roads and the temperature has dipped below zero. Jinki finds Kibum in front of a coffee shop, the other dressed in a trenchcoat, face partly hidden under a large grey knitted scarf. He’s wearing sunglasses but Jinki doesn’t ask for their purpose. Instead he sends Kibum a wide smile. Kibum tells Jinki he’ll buy a cup of coffee first and Jinki follows him into the coffee shop. He wonders how Kibum will be able to drink his coffee with his mouth covered by the large scarf but he doesn’t have to wonder when Kibum gets his coffee and pushes his scarf down enough so he can take a sip.

They walk onto the streets again, slowly strolling through the mass of people commuting to and from work still. There are children playing outside on a playground next to the elementary school and a group of high schoolers have snuck away to get a cigarette in their break. Kibum ignores it all while he continues to silently show Jinki around the city.

Jinki wants to talk to the other man, but he doesn’t really know what to say. He knows he has promised Kibum to leave him alone but that’s not really going to happen, so it’d be better if he managed to get a conversation actually flowing. It’s just so hard to talk to Kibum. Making people happy is a lot harder than he thought it would be.

When Kibum stops in front of the same coffee shop, they started at, Jinki realizes that Kibum deems the tour over and that they’re supposed to part now. He doesn’t want to, however. That would be counterproductive to his purpose.

“Want to have a cup of coffee with me?” Jinki asks and Kibum sighs for the first time today.

“Not really,” he says and sniffles a little in the cold. Jinki sends him a kind smile and tries convincing him to get the cup of coffee. In the end, after countless of threats, Kibum gives in and promises that he can spend one more hour on Jinki, but only one more hour, after that they’ll stop seeing each other.

As they drink their coffee, Jinki manages to get Kibum to open up. He’s 25 and he just got his master in biology. He doesn’t really know what he’s going to work with, not yet, but he’s not busy. He doesn’t have a girlfriend and he doesn’t like tea. Jinki soaks up all the information and remembers every little thing about the other man, like how his nose gets red when they enter the coffee shop after the cold or how he fumbles with the napkin to keep his hands occupied in spite of his gaze being confident.

Jinki notices how Kibum stumbles over his words when Jinki asks him an unexpected question and he sees the way Kibum’s shoulder relax a little in his company. The first response when they met is a mask, Jinki realizes, when Kibum gets up from his chair and announces that he has now spent 2 hours on Jinki instead of only one and that he must get home. Jinki reaches out towards him, grabs his wrist and with a soft smile asks if they can see each other again. Kibum sends him a smile, it’s small and barely there but Jinki sees and widens his eyes slightly in surprise.

“Maybe,” Kibum says before he twists out of Jinki’s grip and leaves the coffee shop.

✕✕✕

Jinki walks the streets of Daegu on December 10 when he hears a voice call out to him. When he turns around, he widens his eyes in surprise as he finds Kibum behind him.

“What?” he asks and Kibum waves his hand in front of his face to wave Jinki’s question away.

“Don’t ask. I just thought you could accompany me to the hospital since you’re walking out here anyway,” Kibum says and walks up to Jinki. Jinki just nods dumbfounded. The two men make their way towards the hospital, Kibum talking about a new fashion magazine that has just been published and how he needs to buy it as soon as possible.

As soon as they enter the hospital lobby, Kibum stops and turns on his heels so he’s facing Jinki. Jinki sends him a small smile, but Kibum’s lips thin like he just realizes what he has done and he slowly lets the mask fall over his features again.

“Thank you for joining me, I can take it from here.”

Jinki wants to reach out when Kibum turns around and walks towards the reception but he has a feeling that it would be wrong to force Kibum to say why they’re in the hospital. He watches as Kibum disappears towards the elevators and as the doors close behind him, Jinki turns around only to bump into Jonghyun. He lets out a scream, high-pitched and unmanly, and Jonghyun chuckles.

“Hello,” he says and Jinki bows his head in greeting and embarrassment when an elderly lady looks at them disapprovingly.

“What are you doing here?” Jinki asks as he starts walking out of the hospital. Jonghyun follows him with his hands buried in his pockets.

“Making sure you don’t want to jump in front of train again,” Jonghyun answers with a smile and Jinki groans a little.

They sit on a bench in front of the hospital when Jinki realizes Jonghyun’s wings are gone. Jonghyun seems to read his mind as he crosses his legs and leans back against the backrest.

“Nobody would believe their eyes if they saw my wings so I hide them when I’m on Earth,” he says as an answer to Jinki’s silent question and Jinki widens his eyes in amazement.

“You can do that?” he asks and Jonghyun laughs while he shakes his head.

“Don’t be ridiculous. Now tell me about your case, you only have 15 days left and it’s not exactly going smoothly.”

Jinki cringes when he realizes that Jonghyun is right. Then he sighs and looks towards the ground as his shoes snuff the pavement.

“It’s difficult,” he admits and Jonghyun pats his shoulder comfortingly.

“What part is difficult,” he asks and Jinki takes a deep breath before he straightens his back.

“Getting close to him. He doesn’t let me ask what’s wrong or listen. It’s like being strangers.”

Jonghyun chuckles a little.

“You are strangers, Jinki. You’re not his best friend and nobody asked that of you,” Jonghyun says and Jinki almost snaps his neck when he turns to look at the older angel.

“But you said,” he says but Jonghyun interrupts him.

“I said your job is to make him happy. It’s not to be his best friend or his shoulder to cry on. You’re here to give him a better Christmas.”

Jinki lets the words sink in for a moment, but they don’t make any sense to him. How can he give Kibum a better Christmas if he’s not going to talk to the other man? Jonghyun can sense his confusion and pats Jinki’s knee twice before he gets up from the bench.

“You’re an angel, Jinki. Don’t limit your mind.”

Jinki blinks as he watches Jonghyun start walking away and when he finally realizes that Jonghyun is leaving him, he stumbles as he gets up and runs towards the smaller man. Jonghyun doesn’t stop, however, not even when Jinki calls after him. He doesn’t understand what Jonghyun really meant and it feels like he has just gotten a reprimanding without being told off.

When he doesn’t catch up with Jonghyun, however, he slows down to a stop in the middle of the street and starts to think. He hasn’t gotten a warning, not really. Jonghyun would have told him if that had been the case. The only thing he’s been given is a reminder of his purpose, to make Kibum’s Christmas happy and an acknowledgement of the fact that they are strangers, not best friends. There has got to be other ways to make Kibum’s Christmas happy.

✕​​​​​​​✕✕​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

Jinki spends the next two days thinking about how to make Kibum’s Christmas better without becoming his best friend in the span of 13 days but he doesn’t figure it out until he walks passed the elementary school and overhears two children discuss their secret Santa’s. That’s when he realizes what he has to do, even if it’s small things that won’t make a huge difference to Kibum’s life.

So Jinki joins the church choir on the Christmas market on a day where he spots Kibum shopping for homemade decorations and mulled wine and sings along to Christmas carols he knows all too well.

When Kibum stops in front of the choir, Jinki sends him a soft smile before he continues the song, his voice carrying through the wind and Kibum snorts a little with a smile on his lips before he hurries along.

During the next 3 days Jinki learns from Taeyeon that Kibum’s grandmother is sick and hospitalized so he sends Christmas decorations to her hospital room to make sure the Christmas spirit reaches them. He even leaves paper and scissors so they can create hearts of their own.

Jinki learns Kibum’s daily schedule and makes sure to either join a choir or set up a chair so he can sing Christmas carols when Kibum passes. The soft smile on Kibum’s lips when he sees Jinki sing is enough to make Jinki’s heart swell with pride. Jinki even writes secret Christmas letters and puts them in Kibum’s mail box to make sure he has a smile on his lips when he leaves the house as well.

And when snow falls on December 15 Jinki stays up all night to build a snowman in front of Kibum’s window that greets him the next morning.

✕✕✕

December passes quickly when Jinki is busy putting a smile on Kibum’s lips without bothering the other man with a conversation he doesn’t want to have so it surprises him when Kibum stops in front of his chair as he sings Christmas carols and stays there until Jinki slows to a stop. The two men are staring at each other and the street light blinks a little before it returns to light its stable orange light onto the street.

“Thank you,” Kibum says in earnest and Jinki sends him a small smile as he buries his hands in his jacket sleeves.

“For?” he asks and Kibum snorts and shakes his head slightly.

“For everything. Merry Christmas.”

Kibum turns away from Jinki with a smile on his lips and Jinki smiles as well.

“Merry Christmas Kibum,” he says towards the other’s retreating back. He doesn’t notice Kibum stopping for a short moment before he continues on.

Jinki is packing up his small bag when he looks towards the billboard ads and notices that today is December 24. It’s almost Christmas Day and in two days he will leave Kibum and the human world behind. It hurts a little to know that he won’t see Kibum laugh at him or send him a small smile in the midst of crisis and it hurts to know that Kibum will have to face the rest of the year without Jinki there to watch over him.

He knows that isn’t his job, that Winter Angels will take over and make sure the seasonal depressed people will have at least a little light and he knows that Guardian Angels will in when they’re needed in times of physical injury, but Jinki doesn’t really want to hand over Kibum to any of them. He wants to keep him for himself.

What makes Kibum so special, however, Jinki doesn’t know. Maybe it’s just the knowledge that he has spread joy for someone who didn’t have much to look forward to. He sighs a little and as he walks from his spot on the street, he passes the hospital.

He lets his eyes roam towards the 7th floor where he knows Kibum’s grandmother is and he sends them a small smile. He can only pray they’ll be together and stay happy in the last 28 hours before Christmas is over.

✕✕✕

December 25th is lonely. Jinki walks the streets in the morning, greets young couples holding hands as they hurry from one place to another. He watches parents hug their young kids as they are treated with sugary candy and he watches elderly people smile as they greet their grandchildren with pocket money and love. It hurts to be walking the streets again, knowing that approximately 200 kilometers away, his parents are celebrating Christmas in grief after they lost their only son. It aches to know that he’s back on Earth to help make Christmas bearable for other people yet having made his own parents so miserable in a time that is supposed to be happy.

The more he thinks about it, the harder it becomes for him to bear. He almost wishes he could just go back now. It’s unreasonable, he thinks, that he’s already working as an angel when it’s been a month. Jinki sits on a bench in the park, not feeling the cold as he lets a tear fall down his cheek. It’s difficult to be here and focus on himself entirely, on what he did just a month prior and on how right everything had felt back then. Jinki had been so sure and now that he’s back, watching life go on for countless of people, seeing their loved ones celebrate Christmas time, even in difficult times, makes him question his decision back then.

It’s not that there’s anything he can do to change it, he’s dead and he’ll forever be, but that doesn’t make it easier to deal with the knowledge. He takes a deep breath before he stands up and continues walking down the street.

As people file inside in the afternoon for a wonderful meal, Jinki starts to hum Christmas carols to himself. They’re a silent prayer to the people he knew when he was alive, a small hope that they know he’s better now than he was then. That death isn’t as horrible as first believed and that he isn’t suffering anymore.

He walks around for hours, humming to a city in silence and when he stumbles into Luna he isn’t really surprised. She sends him a small smile and walks beside him in silence until they end up in a large mall. Luna pulls his arm towards the elevators, mumbling something about looking at a piece of jewellery and Jinki follows her into the elevator, only to notice the 2nd floor sign is in cursive red compared to the bold black numbers of the other floors.

When the elevator doors open, he notices they’re back at HQ.

✕​​​​​​​✕✕​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

“How was it?” Sooyoung asks and sits down in front of Jinki, puzzle on the table behind them still only half-finished. Jinki leans back against the wall and sips of the clear liquid he’s been handed.

“Strange,” he says and Sooyoung nods a little.

“Do you regret it?” she asks and Jinki looks up to get eye contact with her.

“Regret what?”

“Mmmh, you know?” she says and gestures vaguely around her. Jinki shakes his head, still not understanding what she means. Sooyoung sighs a little. “Dying,” she elaborates and Jinki blinks, taken aback.

“Uhm,” he says but Sooyoung disregards him when she continues.

“I regretted it when I first went back to Earth and experienced Christmas again. I was so angry at life. To be taken forcefully away from my husband and my child hurt so badly I can’t describe it.” She sends Jinki a small smile. “I was married, pregnant with our second child after having two miscarriages. Something went wrong during birth and both me and the child died.”

“Did you ever go … back?” Jinki asks after a moment of silence.

“Back?” Sooyoung asks in confusion and Jinki nods.

“To see your husband again.”

Sooyoung sighs a little before she nods.

“Yeah, it was the worst mistake of my life. Our son was growing up nicely but my husband had fallen in love with another woman. I don’t blame him, he was after all still alive while I was dead, but it still hurt. Ever since then I decided not to see my relatives again. They’ve all retired to the Archive by now, though, so it doesn’t hurt as bad anymore. I’m just glad none of them ever became angels.”

She laughs and tries to lighten the mood, but Jinki is stuck on her words.

“Are there people who work with their spouses?” he asks after a few seconds and Sooyoung nods a little.

“Minseok’s wife works downstairs so they meet quite often. It’s admirable, really. They’ve been dead since 1605 and they still stick together. She doesn’t want to retire without him and he likes his job too much to retire.”

Sooyoung smiles fondly at the thought before she shakes her head a little.

“But that’s not fun, let’s talk about something else! Such as your first case, tell me all about it,” she continues and Jinki tries to relay his December to the older woman. Jinki soon notices the smile on his lips as he tells her about Kibum and his snarky mask and he realizes that he wouldn’t have been without it.

✕✕✕

Jonghyun dumps a large stack of papers on Jinki’s desk in the Holiday Angel department of HQ and Jinki looks up from where he’s t his nails. Jonghyun sends him a large smile, soft white wings fluttering in non-existent wind. Jinki finds them fascinating. Jonghyun with his wings is the text-book definition of an angel. If Jinki didn’t know better, he would have assumed all drawings of angels on Earth were created after looking at Jonghyun’s soft wings. Jonghyun doesn’t notice Jinki’s fascination with his wings as he leans against the desk and flicks Jinki’s forehead to gain his attention again.

“Here,” Jonghyun says and Jinki blinks dazed. “Let’s start the paperwork!”

“The funniest thing in HQ,” Krystal says sarcastically from the desk besides Jinki’s and Jonghyun sends her a stern look before he turns back to Jinki.

“Like I said, let’s do the paperwork. I’ll help you.”

Jinki nods and reaches out towards the first paper in the stack. The text is written in a tiny font he can barely read and there’s so many words Jinki doesn’t know where to even begin. The more he reads, however, he realizes that it’s a transcript of everything that has happened in December in Daegu, from events he was a part of to events he didn’t even know had happened.

Jonghyun tells him to read through everything, to make sure every detail Jinki is aware of is correctly transcribed and that he adds everything he remembers that isn’t mentioned. He’s then told to sign the paper before he moves onto the next which is an account of Kibum’s entire life so that Jinki can account that he didn’t do any other job but his own. It’s going to take forever and it’s only half the stack of papers.

He groans as Jonghyun continues on with the latter half that is – apparently – preparing for next year’s Christmas. Jinki already hates paperwork.

✕✕✕

Krystal leans over her desk 30 minutes later and pokes Jinki’s shoulder with a pink pen. Jinki doesn’t react so she continues her poking.

“Psst,” she stage-whispers when she pokes him for the 5th time without getting any reaction. “Jinki,” she tries again. First when she repeats his name for the third time does he look up with a slightly hazy gaze. “We’re having a get-together in Yunho’s apartment on the 19th floor later, just the 7 of us. You have to come.”

Jinki blinks a little.

“A get-together?” he asks and Krystal nods excited.

“Yes! To celebrate an enjoyable Christmas. Paperwork can wait, really. Do you want me to come pick you up?” she asks and Jinki nods before he turns back to the stack of papers on his desk, the first paper he’s only read one fourth of and the rest that are waiting for him before he faceplants into his desk with a groan. Krystal starts laughing.

✕✕✕

Yunho’s apartment is spacious and looks almost luxurious if not for the clutter that lie in every corner. Yunho doesn’t seem very embarrassed by his mess although he apologizes for not having cleaned. None of the other 6 Christmas Angels are bothered by it either, though, so Jinki assumes this is very normal.

They’re all drinking glasses of clear bubbly liquid and Ryeowook laughs heartily at a joke when they enter the kitchen. Jinki notices the large bowl of popcorn in the middle of the table and he raises an eyebrow in confusion. Sooyoung lights up in a smile and pats the seat beside her and Krystal hurries towards Kyungsoo so she can rely her December to him. Yunho puts his hand on Jinki’s shoulder and stirs him towards the table and as he sits down between Sooyoung and Yuta he finds himself relaxing.

Yuta has been making a middle-aged American woman’s Christmas better after she fell ill with cancer and Sooyoung has been playing with a Swedish boy who lost his grandmother in the beginning of December. Jinki likes listening to everybody tell about their own December’s. It makes it somehow easier to get ideas for next year, even though there’s a long time to next year.

He also learns that just about everybody has had problems of their own when they started. Yunho relays a story about being in Africa in 1984 to help a young mother and Kyungsoo groans when he tells Jinki about the first time he had Southern Hemisphere Christmas, a time where he had to overcome Christmas in 27 degrees Celsius.

The more they talk, the more Jinki believes that he did the right thing when he signed to become a Christmas Angel. There are plenty of things on his mind when he leaves the group alone to retreat to his own chambers on the 38th floor, though.

As nice as the get-together has been, the relative silence of the elevators has his mind springing back to life, replaying Christmases throughout his life. Jinki imagines the first time he remembers Christmas, getting a huge toy-train and how the smile had spread over his lips. He had played with that train until he was 15. He remembers the first time he played in the snow with his father, creating snow-angels and igloos, and when they returned inside his mother had prepared hot chocolate and warm buns. He remembers a Christmas where is hadn’t snowed, when he had ridden his new bike to Joon’s house and played with him. He remembers watching Lady and the Tramp on the television with his grandmother because it was her favorite movie a couple of months before she died.

Jinki remembers the Christmas he ended up falling on the icy pavement and fracturing his ankle, resulting in a lousy Christmas feast in the hospital after his surgery. He remembers a house full of relatives and a house with only the three of them. He remembers Christmas shopping for gifts for his mother, wrecking his mind to find the most appropriate gift for her only to come up emptyhanded. He remembers the last few Christmases before he took his own life, filled with dread and tears waiting to spill, a loneliness spreading every time December drew near. He remembers Christmas with his first girlfriend and the way she had clung to him like he had been the only thing she had.

Jinki bites his lower lip so he doesn’t start crying at the memories and regret now that he’ll never be able to have it all again. Memories are just that and while they’re sweet to him, they’ll leave an everlasting bitterness to everybody else involved, knowing that he isn’t walking the Earth anymore. Jinki sobs to himself when he enters his room and sinks down behind the door. The room is dark, no light shining in through the windows and Jinki feels so horribly alone. Maybe dying wasn’t ideal.

✕✕✕

Jinki looks up from his desk when he hears laughter and he looks towards the sound when he watches Taemin walk down the aisle with a man he recognizes as Kai. Taemin notices him with a smile and sends Kai off towards Monitoring to take the next shift before he stops in front of Jinki’s desk with a crinkling eye smile.

“Hey trainwreck,” he says and Jinki frowns.

“Will you ever stop calling me that?” he asks and Taemin shakes his head with a smirk.

“Of course not. Every other trainwreck that has come by has been archived. Who would I tease about their death if not you?”

Jinki sighs a little and puts his reading glasses down on the desk.

“You could tease literally everybody in HQ,” he says and Taemin pouts a little and leans against the desk.

“But where’s the fun in that?” Taemin asks and Jinki sighs heavily.

“You hated me from the moment I arrived, didn’t you?” Jinki asks and the question has Taemin almost falling over his own two feet even though he’s standing still.

“What?” he spits and Jinki just shrugs a little.

“I heard Kai died in the Harmelen train disaster, why isn’t he a trainwreck?” Jinki just says instead and Taemin eyes him suspiciously.

“Because he was an innocent victim,” Taemin scowls before he pushes from the desk. “I also didn’t hate you when you arrived. Just your choice of death.”

With those words Taemin leaves him looking slightly affronted and Jinki turns around in his seat to look after him. He still doesn’t know what exactly killed Taemin because the other man is quite private when it comes to those details, not like Minho who proudly announced he was killed in the Korean war while serving his country the first time he and Jinki spoke in their so-called free time.

Jinki blinks and returns to his papers, the urge to rip them all into confetti once again sneaking up on him.

✕✕✕

In May they play rock, paper, scissors to determine who takes a Southern Hemisphere case and Kyungsoo groans when he loses again and Yuta hugs him in a side hug when he also loses. Jinki is grateful it isn’t him because he’s still nowhere near finished with his paperwork and he’s started to become lazy. It happens to the best of them, Sooyoung says and Ryeowook supplies that even Jonghyun sometimes slack on paperwork.

It doesn’t make Jinki feel better, though. His want to do his best doesn’t sit well with losing his motivation to read tiny text and hundreds of pages. It’s not that Kibum’s life is necessarily uneventful, but reading about his first poop in the toilet is not very exciting and Jinki doesn’t really want to continue on. He doesn’t suspect it to get easier when he begins to recognize his own upbringing in the same culture as Kibum’s and it will undoubtedly lead to memories surfacing of his days alive.

He has learnt to wish that he was 100 years old like Kyungsoo or maybe even 600 years old like Jonghyun. Memories must have left by then, a speck of dust in the back of their minds to no longer remind them of what it is like to be human. Jinki lifts his feet to rest against his chest and he puts his chin on his knees as he stares into blank space. He doesn’t really see and he doesn’t really hear the hustle and bustle of HQ and the people around him but it’s all good the same because the less he wants to remember his lost humanity, the more he’s reminded of it.

These days, when the weather is warm on Earth and the sun shines a little brighter, Jinki is reminded of the last summer before he took the decision to end himself. It had been a good summer without a lot of rain and the warmth had been bearable. He had been with college friends for a week in a small cabin in the mountains. They’d been hiking and laughing and for the first time in 8 years Jinki’s depression hadn’t been hindering his life. The small glimmer of hope had only made the downfall worse, though.

Jinki sighs and rocks a little on his chair while he succumbs to his memories once again.

✕✕✕

Jinki can’t believe his eyes when he finishes his paperwork in November. It’s like magic. Jonghyun sends him a smile so blinding it’s obvious he isn’t human and Minho runs past him muttering something about irrelevant updates on the protocol. It takes another 5 minutes before he really starts to believe that he’s finished and it isn’t until Ryeowook pats his shoulder and asks if he wants to look for cases together that Jinki gets up from his chair and leaves the finished paperwork behind.

Looking through cases is still not easy and Jinki spends a lot more time reading the details of every different case than Ryeowook does, but he knows he’s still a beginner. Jinki has vowed to himself to find a non-Korean case this winter. He has taken the advice of going somewhere far away where he’ll be foreign to the culture so it doesn’t remind him too much of life. It had been Kyungsoo’s words that had made him take the final decision.

But as he slides through hundreds of cases, eyes scanning names and ages, his eyes land on a familiar case.

Kim Kibum, 26 years old.

Jinki really shouldn’t care about it this time around, yet he feels stuck as he reads through the casefile. The mention of his father’s death two years prior is still listed as a reason but the passing of his grandmother is new. Ryeowook leans over his shoulder to read the case in curiosity and Jinki feels something surge through his stomach like a lightning bolt. It’s revolting, really, the way jealousy takes over his body at the thought of Ryeowook even considering Kibum’s case and he bites his tongue so he doesn’t snarl at Ryeowook.

Without even thinking he presses his thumb to the corner and chooses Kibum’s case for the second Christmas in a row. Ryeowook sends him a vague smile, questions in his eyes but Jinki leaves him behind in front of the board. Only when he’s back at his desk does he realize what he’s done and he sighs deeply.

A/N:

I'm quite a fan of Danish Christmas and I can't help but incorporate a few of the Christmas traditions I have been raised with so if something seems out of place or weird, just know that it isn't, it is legit Christmas traditions. ; - ; (Although this may be more relevant during second Christmas)

Anyway! Meet Kibum~