she finds her staring. 

where legs stick on sun kissed seats in one dusty gray convertible, eyes meet those full of destructive wonders, deathly chemicals. jisoo pretends she didn't see, didn't notice. she rather pries away from the leather seats, red thighs to sting.

she meets jennie with red cups, barely sober as she sits on a boy’s lap slick with her pretty smile, sweet fragrance. hustled between strangers, spilling beer on the asphalt, jisoo catches the same pair of eyes wandering, wavering.

no hint of jealousy, neither a demeaning gaze flickers in her direction. in moments time jennie pretends she’s never looked, never stared, never propped her up for objectified pleasure. jisoo rather finds a familiar glimmer in her gaze, a spark of glitter and gold—admiration—that lingers.

they admire her.

she knows.

jisoo knows.

fluorescent lights bleed onto the sidewalk from where jisoo manages to pass by, head throbbing. (cheap liquor is partially to blame from the previous night). melting behind deep blue, light blue, powdery pink, jisoo catches a click of metal, a weak flicker in one’s hand.

a familiar curb to a familiar face, jisoo trails over, slowly, where legs seem to sink deeper into the asphalt, slipping into ocean waves.

she's pulled closer.

warm, she finds the flimsy flare from the worn silver zippo in jennie’s hand inviting, strangely alluring. in a feeble blue glow, jennie opens up a pack of cigarettes out of her pocket.

jisoo walks a bit faster, disbelief hidden with quick steps.

“are you trying to kill yourself?”

taken by surprise, the cigarettes tumble out onto the ground when jisoo softly intrudes, comes into clear view. she swears jennie’s breath hitched, shoulders stiff, ears burning in embarrassment.

“no,” jennie cowers away from the light, “i’m not trying to kill myself.”

jisoo traces the zippo in her view to the red white box in jennie’s hands. “trying to smoke four cigarettes together says otherwise.”

“it’s an experimental experience.”

jisoo holds back the urge of her lips to turn up. she hums faintly instead, “but i wouldn’t if i were you. you wouldn’t want to ruin that pretty little face of yours.”

her hands meet the glass door before jennie has the courage to muster up a single word. the bell above jisoo rings rather loudly and she leaves just like that, a little too quickly into the store.

she comes back out with a bag of chips in one hand, soda in the other.

(cigarettes lay in the trash).

her fingers curl on the collar of her shirt as she holds her breath. the bathroom light was never fairly bright, only to mark shadows on walls that dwell during the nights; nights that drag on for far too long.

jisoo basks in a yellow gleam, fears the taunting snarl growing at the back of her head. she watches it sneer and dance with the wavering silhouettes of growing shadows seeping through the cracks.

it's times like these jisoo comes to question. has the rebirth of the goddess venus fallen into her demise, a facade so easily washed away by a bathroom mirror, hands gripping the sink? she's no confectioner’s sugar, there's no delicacy to her being. compulsive lies stain her tongue as she continues to deny with pretty smiles, starry eyes. she watches people splutter their words in a wash of embarrassed red across their cheeks, flustered and all while she laughs.

she laughs softly and sweetly, just enough for others to follow along caught in a whim of unwanted feelings.

but it's the name embedded onto her skin since birth that mocks her with every breath, with every word.

she stares, dwelling at the name printed ever so boldly on her skin, reflected off from mirrors, engraved on her collarbone.

kim jiwon.

it gets harder to breathe, her nails sink deeper, leaves red lines, dragging across her skin. they sink in, the crimson to fade to pink.

nothing more but another attempt to forget as a bitter taste lingers longer than it should.

corners of her lips lift up simply to a smile. she practices once more before she begins to vanish altogether with a flicker of the light.

she meets jennie again at the store.

jisoo’s become the customer across the cashier, a can of soda and a bag of chips in hand.

they try pretend they’ve never crossed paths.

“it's on me.” jennie’s voice rings faintly and jisoo nearly misses her short mumble of words.

so clear as if behind a glass case, jennie’s attempt to hide away her simple crush stains deep red as her cheeks when she pushes the bills back into jisoo’s hand.

obvious, too obvious.

without an effort, a quiet laugh piques in the empty store, interest of a stuttering girl merely reduced to the plastic name tag pinned to her shirt.

jennie

“thanks.” a quick peck to leave a webbed hue of cherry on jennie's face before the bell above the door rings.

jisoo’s picked up on all the bad habits and has no one but herself to blame.

she wonders if the universe is ever on her side.

jisoo isn't so sure when something seems to tilt fate where the universe of finding significant others dwindles. in between destiny’s antics, jisoo finds herself in its childish play, meeting too many dead ends, neverending turns.

(she meets jiwon, kim jiwon.

and he grins when he finds his name on her.

musk cologne to go along with his unbashful pride, snarky grin. he’s a man of constant habit as his voice swings nonchalantly, lips curling, eyes curving.

she manages to pick up on all his flaws, but bares it all without a single complaint.

he’s her soulmate after all).

by curb they had once met, jisoo learns the name inscribed onto jennie’s wrist. in small font, bold black, chaeyoung–park chaeyoung imprints on her skin and jennie asks to see hers in return. eyes flicker to the curve of her collarbone as jisoo pulls down the collar of her shirt. bold and black just like jennie’s, but a different name, a different person belongs to her.

unflattering, distasteful.

a pop of a soda can sputters in the empty parking lot, shoes against the rubble with talks of what ifs. childish rambles of meeting soulmates and significant others slithers into the night, wandering thoughts of who he, she, or they could be.  

“soulmate,” jennie drags the word into the still air, “have you met them or?”

“no, not yet.” and jisoo doesn't know why she would let a lie fill up the silence. but she notices the corners of jennie’s lips perk up. “what about you? do you think you’ll ever meet chaeyoung?”

she shrugs, a normal behavior as she looks away. “no, i’d rather not.”

“why not?”

“i belong to no one.”

"aren't you curious?" jisoo puts down her drink.

"i could care less."

"what would happen if you do meet them?

there's a pause, a crinkle of her brows. “dunno.”
 

impatience comes to be one of many of jennie’s flaws, but jisoo understands. she, herself is one to never stay too long in one place, remember faces, memorize names.

jisoo, the embodiment of eternal youth, places herself in childish dreams built upon endless journeys, sporadic escapades, lost in a haze of constant thrill. in aimless directions to empty roads, mauve sceneries, jisoo finds herself gone astray, a million miles away from home.

she twists a new course into her life with a persuading sway to her voice. “let’s go somewhere.” she drills the words to jennie’s direction, sees a jolt of surprise in her eyes.

“me?” jennie points to herself, bewildered. “why?”

“why not?”

and jisoo pulls her along to disappear in vivid daydreams, surreal nights, city lights. a tide pulls them in with their quick steps, intertwined hands where jisoo never lets go of jennie, never forgets about her. even under the orange streetlights, overbearing crowds, and eye blinding signs on grimy buildings, she never forgets.

she finds jennie’s visage of beauty unravel when the lights flicker above, neon delirium in her gaze.

jisoo pulls her closer, sparks of lightning at her fingertips, roaring waves behind each step. something flutters, fire on skin, firework of extravagant sweets on her tongue.

for once jisoo loses her breath from how fast she's fallen.

feelings are a burden, jisoo decides.

but jennie makes up for the silence, murmurs poetic words seeming to swoon her over. remembers basic over flashy, cherry or carbonated strawberry, estée lauder over diptyque olene. and she never stops giving for both of them to ever understand.

jennie’s simple, a good kind of simple. she's one to spend all your time on until she becomes a part of your daily routines, daily habits.  

the girl with sharp feline like eyes comes to be more forward, and like a burn on the roof of your mouth, a bullet through your skin, you remember her.

jisoo decides, jennie's not the burden and will never be.

her feelings are.

(sometimes she finds jiwon unreasonable, unable to reason with, unable to cope with.

his back facing her, she hears a sneer. simply he refuses to understand as he says he's right, always right; she’s wrong, always wrong.

jisoo decides, some people just aren't meant to be loved).

scared. scared. scared? scared of what exactly?

jisoo doesn’t know.

words never seem to make it past the tip of her tongue, only a scowl spoiled on her face. no phrase comes in mind to pin the fear thriving in the pit of her stomach.

though she forgets the moment someone hands her a red cup, voices tugging her into the crowd.

she hates the way she ends up in front of jennie’s apartment drowning in the rain, reeking of alcohol. with heavy steps to the front door, white knuckles to knock against it, jisoo swears she’s only a bit tipsy. she takes it all back once everything spins, rain like bullets through her skin.

“jisoo, what are you doing?” jennie says past the blur, reaching for her arm.

jisoo squints, questioning when jennie had opened the door, light spilling onto the front steps. she drags jisoo  in by the sleeve of her shirt when she takes too long to answer, out from the cold into warmth. she stumbles in, left in a cloudy haze, a ringing in her ears

words become one, comes and becomes incomprehensible until a dry apology escapes her scratchy throat. “sorry.”

“what?” she watches jennie’s brows furrow. “jisoo, what are you—”

jisoo bites down on her tongue

shut up. shut up. shut up—

lips parting, sloppy words slipping unknowingly, jisoo tries to stop herself before she plunges deeper into another oncoming mistake. she fumbles out a sentence as her face grows warmer, blurts out a second apology before jennie stops her.

“what are you apologizing for?”

“i’m just sorry,” jisoo mumbles, “i’m so sorry about everything.”

hesitant to look up, jisoo buries her face into her hands. nowhere to hide, nowhere to disappear, nothing to notice but her trembling voice.  

“it’s okay,” arms come to circle around to embrace jisoo. she holds her gently in her arms and jisoo sinks deeper into the sinatra blue, ocean waves. a sob chokes back down , flames descending, sorrow ascending.

the rain comes down harder, she hears thunder.

jennie never mentions anything about that day.

jisoo silently thanks her.

(“did you ever love me?”

he moves away, sleep in his eyes.

“i'm sorry.”)

“what am i?” jisoo blurts randomly, to no one in particular.  

jennie answers, “everything.”

jisoo cringes, lets out a laugh watching a scathing red glow bright on jennie’s face. an embarrassed chuckle slips in with jisoo’s, molds into one, a perfect harmony.

“forget that i said that.”

(“we don't even belong together.”

jennie huffs, “so?”

jisoo empties out a breathy laugh. “never mind.”)

jennie is made of nothing but destructive wonders, ready to set fires, send scorching flames beneath the floor she stands with a flick of her lighter. belongs to no one, is no one’s, but effortlessly she gives one a reason to feel needed, accepted, wanted.

so for now, she's the glitter that remains in jisoo’s lungs where her insides are seared, littered with confetti, covered in an obscene glimmer.

but she can only wonder why the universe can be so cruel, so unforgiving.

they pretend real stars hang from the ceiling, not the ones with the unpleasant green glow made of plastic. the ones jisoo bought at the dollar store for no reason, no purpose, but to make meaningless wishes as what a child would.

“make a wish,” jisoo says. her finger points to glow in the dark stars stuck on the ceiling of jennie’s room.

“they’re not even real stars, jisoo.” jennie mumbles, turning onto her side.

“they’re close enough, right?”

she listens to jennie sigh, watches the corners of her lips turn to small smile. “sure, why not.”

taste of bittersweet champagne lingers longer than it should.  

hidden in the shadows of jisoo’s room she still notices jennie in the dark, lost in twisted sheets. she heaves a sigh, presses closer, eyes on the ebony walls.

underneath jennie’s shirt, jisoo’s fingers aimlessly follow along her skin to trace shapes, paint pictures, draw stars. dancing sparks on her ribs, she circles around a heart then crescents on her stomach, and something unreasonable on her back.

with frissons down her neck, jisoo smiles when jennie turns around. tired eyes meet hers, drowsy amidst the peony purple haze.

her own fragrance becomes suffocating, the overbearing scent of flowers, the one jennie snatched up for her nineteenth birthday. a toxic feminine aroma as jisoo watches the way jennie’s breath hitches, organs to melt to petals.

thorns pricking her skin, she finally caves in when jennie leans closer.

“kiss me.”

flushed cheeks, unsteady heart, her stomach lurches. jennie traces out her own name on jisoo’s skin—it burns—and jisoo drowns.

running her fingers through her hair, jennie leaves messy kisses on her lips, her jaw, her neck, and onto anywhere else.

red marks are soon to fade to bright pink on her skin with fire on her lips, insides in knots. jisoo loses her breath, fading in versicolored wonders and wonders if jennie is, too.

and she pulls her in for another kiss.

jennie breaks away, still close, still warm. her nose brushes up against her neck and jisoo feels jennie’s smile grow on her skin.

“i love you.”

jennie says it first and jisoo hates the way the words draw out her from her lips. no hesitance, no stutter, no nonchalant swing of her voice.

unconsciously, jisoo says it, slurred and imperfect. “i love you, too”

she wonders if jennie would stay with her if chaeyoung manages to slip into her life. she wonders if jennie would love her just the same way as before, same glitter in her eyes, a flicker of  joy when she smiles. jisoo wonders, wonders if she truly loves her.

in all between doubts and hesitance, something sits uneasy.

but jisoo doesn't mind.