I miss you Hyung... so much till I think my heart will burst. Every breath that I take, every minute that I spend, every step that I take, every road that I walk, every night and day that pass are not the same without you.

Somehow I feel so tired, so weak but I have no one to lean on to, to cry and to share burden. I still remember your smile, so bright like the sun.

I look at your favorite flower, Larkspur flower in all color. You said that it is your birth flower. I remember you always give me the purple larkspur flower and you said that it resembled me to you. I kept on asking you, but you just smiled. And now I know hyung, that purple Larkspur flower means

First Love

I am your first love, your first in everything and I am also the last for you. Sorry hyung, you are not my first love, but you are the first person who teach me what is love, how to be sincere, what is happiness and you are my last love. If only I can put aside my ego and bluntly told you about my feeling and those three words that you want to hear from my mouth, from this beast mouth.

I Love You

Am I too late now to say that hyung? To admit that I have been fallen to you since we meet for the first time? To hold you in my arms? I won’t ask for forever hyung, it’s too much. I only ask you to be by my side every day.

I’m sorry hyung, really sorry for always leaving you alone at home, for never be there when you really need me, yet you always welcome me with your bright smile. I’m too arrogant and confidently thinking that you’ll never leave me, but now….

“I love you Jaehyunnie~ I really really love you.”

The camera zooms in into his face. “Really hyung?”

“Really Jaehyunnie, aaah~ c’mon, I miss your smile Jaehyunnie. Smile for me please.” He pouts his cherry lips. “Hmpph, are you really won’t smile when I do this Jaehyunnie? Bbuing..bbuing.” He does aegyo and he looks so cute that I can’t stand not to smile.

“Ah, like that Jaehyunnie. I love you.”

I always watch this video every night hyung, the one that we took during our vacation to Japan that time. Our last quality time. We rarely fight, but I know you always try your best to be patient, to bear with me. You always able to calm me down when I am in rage, only with your touch hyung, all anger vanish like water evaporates under the sun.

Never once you judge me like the others, never once you hate me when I hurt you either consciously or unconsciously. I heard it hyung, when you cry at night because of me. You love me unconditionally, continuously even when others told you to leave me, yet you are still by my side and support me. You always told me that I am your shelter, your home and your anchor, yet I am too shy to admit that I feel the same also.

You might laugh at me if you see me now hyung, ah no, you’ll scold me. With sunken and swollen eyes, chapped lips and thin body like this. I wipe my tears, and drink another can of beer. Even alcohol can’t help me to forget this pain hyung. Is it my karma?

“Jaehyunnie, look at this.” You show me a beautiful house picture in the country.

“What’s with this hyung?” I look at you.

“You said we’ll get married next year right?” I nod my head. “Then, after we get married, I want us to buy a house in a country and make it as an orphanage. You know, that a lot of kids out there that have no neither parents nor place to live –like me- then we’ll name it as ‘Paradise Orphanage’. There we’ll not only provide them with place to stay only, but we’ll also teach them some skills, so once they are out from the orphanage, they are able to earn money. With that, people won’t look down at them.”

Your dream house hyung, I bought it and make your dream come true hyung. All your wishes I make it come true hyung, all. Even some of the oprhans work for me. I grab my car keys, I need to see you now hyung.

While driving I am recalling my last memory with you.

With your weak body and bloody hands, you cup my face and kiss my lips. You are smiling and caress my hand. “Hyung, hold on ok, th- the ambulance is- is on its way here. Hang on o-ok.” I cry for the first time in my life.

You still smiling “No, Jaehyunnie, I know I can’t. Just promise me will you? Ohok...” you are coughing and blood coming out.

“No, hyung, you won’t leave me, you’ll be fine hyung.”

“Please Jaehyunnie.” Your voice starts to get weak.

“O-Ok hyung.”

“Promise me to continue with your life and… and find someone else to be by your side ok?”

 I shake my head “I can’t hyung, I can’t.”

“Please…” I can only nod, to make you stop begging me to promise you.

You touch my face, I hold your hand and you are smiling. “Thank you Jaehyunnie.. I love you so much..” and with your last words, you close your eyes and stop breathing.

“No, Hyung, wake up hyung…pl-please hyung…” I hold you cold body tight, and cry on your shoulder.

I cry again. How can I find someone else if you are the owner, the ultimate owner of my heart hyung? My sight become blurry and I can’t see the road clearly.

TIIINN…..TIIINNN….BRUAK…CKIIIITTTT….

“I’m sorry we’ve tried our best, Johnny-ssi, but Mr Jung can’t make it. He passes away at 01.27 am on the way here. These are the thing that Mr. Jung holds in his hand. Once again sorry.” The doctor bow and leaves Johnny standing holding the things that his cousin left.

A pair of wedding ring and a purple Larkspur petal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Fin~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Purple Larkspur Flower

The wedding ring (Taeyong and Jaehyun)