-

"

i love the way your nose crinkles a little when you smile. and the way your eyes disappear into tiny crescents. i think i might want to bite your cheeks. it's just a thought though, nothing much.

i love the sound of your laughter, so soft, but still sounding melodious to my ears. i wish i'd be the reason behind that someday.

i love the way you have this annoying habit of blinking your eyes too many times to be considered normal, but you look adorable anyway. i think i want to squish you into a little ball and put you into my pocket. again, it's just a thought, nothing much. really.

i love the way your voice cracks a little when you're trying to say something. everyone says it's because you don't talk much. i beg to differ though; you talk so animatedly, i would never have the heart to cut you off.

i love the way you touch your cheeks when you think of your favourite artists. (and the light in your eyes...) i want to bring you to them one day. i'm lucky the talented humans you love are crazy famous, then i won't have to watch my actions and expressions if we attend one of their concerts. be ready for blatant stares and contented grins from me.

i love your cute little skips and hops when you're rushing, but you just won't run. i figured that if you were just gonna walk instead of /ever/ running, i'd stay behind you, and maybe do stupid things like trying to synchronise my footsteps with yours.

you don't eat much and you don't sleep much. (sometimes i genuinely wonder if you're really human.) every night i sit up on bed and think whether you're asleep or like the usual, awake and active on social network sites.

you distance yourself. i don't know you. 

and we call each other bestfriends. 

oh no, i'm in love with my bestfriend i barely know.

"

Joohyun releases a shaky breath she didn't know she was holding. She reads the page over again and again and again.

"Hyun?" Joohyun hears the soft pads of Seulgi's feet hitting the floor as she comes nearer to the edge of the bed. With an audible sigh, Seulgi plops down onto her bed and looks up at Joohyun, and whatever she was reading that made her so intrigued. 

Her diary.

"Seulgi..." Joohyun slowly tears her eyes away from the page in the book, and turns to stare into Seulgi's orbs of brown. She noticed a few blotches of teardrops stained on it. "Explain." 

Seulgi's breath hitches. She knows this tone of Joohyun. Joohyun was always charismatic like this. Even after almost four years of sharing this friendship, Seulgi was still nervous whenever Joohyun used this tone. 

Seulgi never imagined it to be like this. She wanted to keep it all to herself and never let any form of light to be shone on her feelings for her bestfriend. Obviously, all the more she wouldn't explain herself infront of the said girl.

How could she? What if word gets out that she's hopelessly in love with her straight bestfriend? What are all her schoolmates going to think? What if Joohyun avoids her? What if Joohyun leaves her? What if Joohyun stops talking to her altogether?

Seulgi visibly fidgets and plays with the loose threads of the bedsheet she was rigidly sitting on. Her chest pumping hard against her ribcage and her head throbbing with doubts; she doesn't know what to do.

"H-Hyun, it's n-nothing. Let's go and eat! I'm famished," Seulgi awkwardly chuckes and stands to leave the room. The longer she sat in there, the more suffocated she felt. It was as if a noose was around her neck, and someone was tightening it slowly. 

"Stay there."

Joohyun gently sets the orange notebook onto the table beside Seulgi's bed and walks over elegantly (or so in Seulgi's perspective) to the other side of the bed. She grabs Seulgi's trembling hands, squeezes them and stares into Seulgi's eyes.

Seulgi notices, how perfectly curved Joohyun's lips were. No dry skin, nothing. She notices, how clear Joohyun's skin was. No blemishes, nothing. She notices, how Joohyun's light brown eyes held her gaze strong and firm. They held something foreign Seulgi couldn't decipher.

"Seul, you're my bestfriend. It's okay." 

And then, a surge of hope rushes through Seulgi. Every fibre of her body tingled with excitement and her hair rose on end. Her muscles tense and she feels the butterflies in her stomach flutter up to her chest. She takes a deep breath and shakily lets it out. Her eyes dances from Joohyun's eyes to her lips and then to her eyes again. Her lips threaten to curl up but she bites it down and mentally curses at herself for being so transparent.

"So, tell me more about Seungwan. I heard she's really nice! Seul, you have no idea how happy I am for you right now!" Bubbling with happiness, Joohyun mimics Seulgi's expression a few moments ago and wraps her small arms around Seulgi's body. 

Her stomach drops. She momentarily thinks it feels similar to the sudden height drop when she rode on a rollercoaster a few years back. That same nauseous feeling. Her facial expression hardens.

It's not Seungwan. Sure she loves her, but it's because they were merely friends. She's a friend who Seulgi really treasures a lot, and a real bestfriend if Seulgi would like to imply. Since Joohyun is basically a big painful crush at this point.

"Seul! I have to tell him! Oh oh, we can have a double date! He doesn't mind, I'm sure of that!" Joohyun squeals and scampers out of Seulgi's room to fetch her phone, her tiny feet tapping on the wooden floor of Seulgi's bedroom. 

The noose tightens again. The butterflies dance back into her stomach and her knees buckle. An eight point three magnitude earthquake passes through her body. It reverberates down her spine and up her arms. The pressure on her stomach continues to press in. An empty congestion in her head. 

With a hand pressed to , she rushes to her bathroom, mumbling something about having a stomachache to Joohyun before slamming the door shut. 

Joohyun shrugs and punches a few numbers with a dumb grin plastered on her face.

She slides down with her back against the door and bites harshly into her forearm. She pulls her legs in to her chest and hugs them tightly, searching for a warmth they could not give. Her tears falls and it burns her skin. It won't stop, like a stream of pulsating fiery arrows. She wants to scream but her voice was barely there. felt like sandpaper, like a temporary track made by the constant runover of huge four-wheelers on uneven ground. She can feel the vibrations too.

"Hey babe? Remember how I said Seul likes someone?"

"Yeah, it's a she."

"Mm'kay babe I hope she's as excited as we are!! I can't wait!!!"

"Alright, see you soon too gummy bear, love ya!"

Gummy bear? Gummy bear.

Bogum.

Maybe it's okay that Seulgi feels this way. It's expected. She should have known. She feels stupid.

Maybe it's okay that Joohyun feels this way. She's happy. She's contented. And Seulgi isn't the reason behind her smile. And maybe that's okay.

Maybe it's okay that Seulgi can never confess. Time heals, right? Maybe all of this is just part and parcel of a passing storm. Maybe one day she'll look back and be able to laugh at herself for being so naïve. 

Maybe in another life, she will be able to love Joohyun the same, and Joohyun will reciprocate. Maybe in another life, they wouldn't love each other like bestfriends, but more than that. Maybe in that life, Seulgi would be able to hold Joohyun in her arms, kiss her head and tell her the 34th "I love you" that night.

Maybe next time, she'll have a chance to call Joohyun hers. Maybe next time, she'll be in love with Joohyun the way she is now. Maybe next time, Seulgi will have Joohyun. 

A cold water droplet runs down the side of her chin as she stares listlessly into her reflection in the mirror. 

She lets out a heavy sigh. She unlocks the door. She walks out. 

Maybe next time. 

-

A/N:

hi.

it's short i know, but i'm just trying out for now. it's my first story so... break a leg? heh.

do let me know if there's anything i can improve on (this is deeply deeply appreciated :D), im okay with any constructive criticism. or if you want to just casually comment on this story im fine with that too!

thank you for reading this story! peace!