Broken
BrokenBroken
Silence.
Silence please.
The house was full of silence.
Silence please.
Everything was still and turned off. Just silence and dark.
Silence please.
Just in a little corner of the closet of the patronal bedroom there was a big storm going on.
And Seunghyun was in that corner, sat on the floor, legs tightened to his chest by his arms and face hidden between his knees.
There was no silence in his head but no-one could hear that.
He seemed like a child, lost in the dark forest of his thoughts, but he wasn’t a child anymore and those empty bottles of wine near him could prove that.
He drank them one after another in the remote try to distract himself from the voices in his head. The alcohol worked for a bit but as its effect vanished they returned louder than before.
He didn’t even know how much time had passed since he secluded himself there nor he knew if he had even slept or not, but his thoughts were becoming more insistent every hour. They were unbearable.
Silence please.
Silence please.
Silence please.
He kept on saying to himself. Silence please.
It wasn’t helping. Not anymore.
There was just a solution.
He disentangled himself from his position and reached for his phone that was not so far from him on the floor.
He typed the number and called.
His voice sounded raspy when he spoke as he didn’t use it for days.
“Can... Can you come here please? I... I can’t handle this anymore.”
The other part seemed to understand right away as it closed the call without asking anything.
Some minutes later the silence of the house was broke by the door opening and hurried steps coming in.
“Hyung?” Daesung’s warm voice reached his hears from the kitchen, distracting him from the chaos in his mind.
“Hyung? Where are you?” The sound was nearer this time.
He couldn’t answer that Daesung rushed in his bedroom and entered in the closet where he was.
The light .
“Hyung.”
Seunghyun lifted his head and his blood-shot eyes met Daesung’s one. There was concern in them.
“Help me.” he said. His voice cracked as tears started to wet his cheeks. He felt so miserable.
The younger was on him immediately, kneeling down next to him and hugging him.
“Hyung, it’s ok, it’s ok. I’m here now.”
Seunghyun hugged Daesung back, hiding his face in the curve of his shoulder, wetting his t-shirt.
They stood like that for a bit, Daesung caressing his back and hair from time to time, waiting for the elder to calm down. The voices seemed to become a bit calmer.
When he stopped crying, Daesung distanced himself just enough to left a kiss on Seunghyun’s forehead.
“Come on, let’s wash you up.”
He helped Seunghyun stand up and with him under his arm walked to the bathroom.
He sat the elder on the toilet bowl before going to the bath tub and let it fill with hot water.
As it did so, Daesung returned to Seunghyun and knelt down once again in front of him.
Without saying anything he went to remove the other’s t-shirt.
The elder let him do it, helping him with the arms. He also lifted himself up a bit, letting Daesung free him from his trousers and boxers which were followed by his socks too.
It was right, Seunghyun didn’t like to show his skin, that was something he was very sensitive about, but in those occasion he was ok with being in front of someone. He was in his home, in his comfortable place, with a person he trusted with his life, literally. No one could harm him there. No one but himself. And he needed help. He couldn’t fight that.
The younger took all the clothes in his arms and threw them in the basket in one corner of the bathroom before returning to Seunghyun.
“Come on.” He said again, voice suiting, offering a hand to the elder.
Seunghyun took it and let the other help him enter in the tub.
The sensation of the hot water on his skin sent a shiver along his back but as soon as all his body was embraced in the warmth he relaxed.
He lied down, bowing his head back on the tub border trying to make his thoughts less oppressive and fight the headache that was starting to rise.
Daesung then closed the water and stood beside him staring at Seunghyun’s tired features, brows frowned and hair unkept.
That wasn’t the first time.
The first time was traumatizing.
He wasn’t expecting to see a person he loved with all his heart reduced like that.
The house was silent and dark as it was in that moment.
When he found Seunghyun, he was in his bed, in fetal position under the sheets, a big teddy bear in his hands, bottles of wine and beer everywhere, bottles of pills emptied.
He had really thought he had came too late. Seunghyun was so still...
His heart felt so heavy at the possibility of having lost his best friend and he stood at the door paralysed for some moments at the thought. But he couldn’t be dead, he said to himself, he called him just some minutes before.
He took all the courage he had and went near him and when he shook him, Seunghyun emitted a little sob. Daesung let out a big sigh at that, relived that the elder was still alive and he still wasn’t such a failure of a friend.
Seunghyun seemed so fragile in that moment -and he was- that he didn’t know what to do next. After a bit he decided the next move and acted. Daesung took his time to recompose Seunghyun.
He didn’t ask anything, it wasn’t Daesung’s habit to introduce in Seunghyun’s life without his permission and so he waited till Seunghyun himself was ready for it.
It passed a day before the elder regained some light in his eyes and finally spoke. He explained everything: the depression, the anxiety, how they started and how heavy they felt, the thoughts that rose from nowhere and swallowed him up like a black hole and how hard it was for him to fight them.
There he understood: Seunghyun was exhausted from all his thought, all the alcohol, the pills, the lack of sleep. He wasn’t dead, just collapsed under the weight of his own mind.
After that the elder told him he could have gone home but Daesung didn’t want to.
He stood there for days, making sure Seunghyun ate, drunk water, took properly his medication and slept the best he could. He slept with him to be more certain of it. He hugged him and console him when another “crisis” came.
When Seunghyun felt better, Daesung took his leave but not before calling Seunghyun’s mother and told her everything. Seunghyun asked him not to but he couldn’t risk.
He waited for her to arrive before returning to his home.
The second time pretty much resembled the first just Seunghyun didn’t seem so dead and Daesung wasn’t taken aback by the situation.
After some times it became a sort of habit between them: every time Seunghyun felt lost he came there to rescue him. It became a mission for him.
Washing him was just part of it.
Daesung felt uncomfortable the first time he had to do that, but Seunghyun hadn’t bathed for days at the time and he wasn’t able to do that himself. Who was him to deny such a basilar necessity to a friend that needed help? And so he did.
Seunghyun didn’t even blink as he let Daesung took off his clothes and clean him.
He felt like a doll in his hands.
It was heartbreaking. But Daesung had to be strong since Seunghyun asked silently him to.
And the bath was just one of the few intimate moments they shared.
Daesung doesn’t remember exactly which time it happened, he stopped counting after the fifth, but Seunghyun kissed him.
They were on the sofa of Seunghyun’s home, watching a film to distract the elder, he initially sneaked under Daesung’s arm and posed his head on his chest, and the younger let him do so since it wasn’t the first time they cuddled, but after a bit Daesung could have felt the elder stare at him. He looked down to see what was the problem and that was when Seunghyun posed his lips on his.
Daesung was surprised by that so much that he didn’t really realize what was happening till moments later. When he did, he pulled Seunghyun away on instinct and stood up.
He looked at the elder, ready to shout at him but he crashed him how hurt Seunghyun seemed by his rejection. He knew then that he had to stay calm and not do a scene.
Daesung took a long breath, neared again to the other and took his hands in his.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push you away but I’m not the right one. You know that, right?”
Seunghyun nodded slightly. “Jiyong.”
“Yeah, Jiyong.”
The elder looked down and sighed. “I… I’m sorry. I just… I just wanted to show you my gratitude for all you’re doing. I… I don’t want anything ual with you, as you said you aren’t the right one but, yeah, I love you anyway. I don’t know how to describe it... I don’t see you just like a friend any more. You have seen my worse and you still here… I...” Seunghyun started crying then.
Daesung softened even more at that and hugged Seunghyun again.
“It’s ok. It’s ok. I understood.” he said, petting the elder’s hair. “You can kiss me when you want, just…. You should talk to Jiyong about this.”
This time was Seunghyun who distanced himself from him.
“I don’t want to.”
His remembrance was interrupted by Seunghyun’s groan while he was trying to straighten himself a bit in the tub.
Daesung blinked a bit and focused his vision on the other. He seemed a bit better.
“Could you… Could you wash my hair, please?” It was Seunghyun who broke the silence.
“Yeah.” Daesung answered back, a moment later. “Let me take the shampoo.”
He walked to the shower stall, took both shampoo and body wash and came back.
“I brought the body wash too. I thought you would need it.” He posed them on the ground behind Seunghyun before took the shower and positioning himself near the bottles.
“Thank you.” The elder said only.
Daesung smiled while wetting Seunghyun’s hair. When he was satisfy he put down the shower on the tub border and filled his hands with shampoo that then started to massage on Seunghyun’s scalp.
The other relaxed visibly under his touch and let out a sigh.
“You’re really good at it, you know?” Seunghyun today was more talkative than how was usual in this stage. “You should think of a carrier of hairstylist.”
Daesung laughed at that not interrupting his ministrations. “I will think about it.”
Seunghyun smiled back.
It was a good thing. He was improving more faster than expected.
The younger finished with the shampoo and washed the foam away caressing Seunghyun’s hair slowly. When he was over with it, the younger lifted up and walked to the end of the tub with the shower still in his left hand. He put the free one in the water, between Seunghyun’s feet and opened up the bath plug.
In a matter of moment the tub was emptied and Seunghyun’s found himself with his bare skin wet and exposed to the air. Another shiver passed through his back.
Daesung gave him the shower which Seunghyun took promptly and passed over his arms and back.
The younger took the body wash from the floor and gave it to Seunghyun too.
Seunghyun looked up.
“Could you do that yourself?” Daesung asked.
The elder looked at the things in his hands and nodded slightly. “I think so.”
Daesung smiled again. “Good.” He felt the urge to pat Seunghyun’s head and so he did.
“Can I leave you alone for a bit? I will be right in the kitchen doing some tea, ok?”
Seunghyun nodded again.
“Just… Can you prepare me a glass of water and an aspirin? I drunk too much, my head hurts.”
The younger neared to him and left a kiss on the other’s temple. “Sure, don’t worry. Call me when you are over or if you need help.” He gave Seunghyun one last on his hair before going to the kitchen.
Seunghyun watched Daesung walk away before lying again in the tub.
He closed his eyes and sighed.
His mind was much quieter than before even though the headache was still there; that was Daesung’s power. He had the ability to calm him even just with his presence.
That’s one of the reason because he always called him in those situation and not someone else.
He didn’t judge and he was strong enough to take care of him.
Calling his mother was out of the question. She had already gone through a lot in her life, he didn’t want to add a son who had self-destructive behaviour from time to time on the list. He wanted to protect her from his monsters. Far from the eyes far from the heart was the saying, right?
And Jiyong… Jiyong…
Seunghyun opened his eyes slowly, trying to leave his thoughts in the farthest part of his mind before returning to what he was supposed to do.
When he finished, he called Daesung as he had been told.
He came right away and helped him coming out of the bath tub before taking his bath robe and a towel and give them to him.
Daesung looked at him questioningly.
“Yeah, I can do this myself. I think… I think I’m fine now. I will change and join you in the kitchen.”
The younger nodded and smiled before leaving him again.
Seunghyun walked to his closet and finally realized what he actually did: the far corner of the room was full of empty bottles, some of them had spilled some wine on the carpet, staining it with red liquid.
He closed his eyes and sighed once again. He will take care of it later.
He changed in another t-shirt, trousers and socks before returning to Daesung.
Seunghyun sat in one of the chair of his dining table watching the other filling two cups with hot tea.
The younger joined him soon and gave him his glass of water with the aspirin and the cup of tea before putting a plate of cookies on the mahogany surface and sitting in front of him.
“You didn’t take the pills this time, right?”
Seunghyun put the aspirin in the water letting it dissolve in the liquid.
“How can you tell it?”
Daesung took a sip of tea.
“You’re less talkative when you took them and it had passed just two days since you and Jiyong-hyung argued. Usually it takes you more time to reach the breaking point.”
At the mention of Jiyong, Seunghyun opened his eyes wide.
“You know it?”
“Yeah, he called me because he wanted me to make you see reasons.” He drank a little more. “I didn’t call you because I know you need time with this kind of situations. I didn’t think it would have led to one of your crisis. I’m sorry.”
Seunghyun said nothing and, instead, finally followed Daesung in drinking the tea, blessing it for moisturising his dry throat. Now that he noticed it, he was very thirsty and hungry.
He took two cookies and ate it in one go.
“You should tell him. I know you two argued because you were in a bad mood. If only he knew why.”
Seunghyun sent Daesung a glare.
“You know I don’t want him to.”
The younger put down his cup.
“He's not a child anymore, hyung, neither do you. If you only explained him the situation, he would understand.”
Seunghyun looked down at the cup in his hands for some moments before looking Daesung in the eyes.
“I… I want to protect him. This… He can’t handle this. I don’t want him to see me like this.”
“Do you think it’s easy for me?” Daesung asked then, frustration perceivable in his voice.
Seunghyun was taken aback by it. “I...”
“It is not. The first time I thought you were dead. You were motionless and I felt so scared of having lose you. And every time, every time I see how you reduce yourself… Do you think I just pass it by and forget it? Because I can’t. Those images will never leave my mind.”
Seunghyun felt like crying at those words. As always, he had took everything for granted.
“I… I’m so sorry.”
Daesung sighed, seeing Seunghyun so mortified.
“Why did you choose me?”
The elder looked at him for some seconds, recollecting his thoughts before speaking.
“You handle things differently from Jiyong. I saw both of you at your worst but Jiyong never really recovered from it. He still be very insecure and fragile under his prideful image; he has so many doubts and he can be easily hurt. Also, you perfectly know how he usually forget himself for the sake of others and I don’t want that.” He made a pause. “You, you are stronger than him. You aren’t in the spotlight as he is, you don’t let people come closer so smoothly, you don’t mind being alone, you have more self-regard than him and you have habits more similar to mine. I know you have your problems too but I just… I just thought you were better for this.”
Daesung leaned on the seatback of his chair taking a deep breath.
“Do you understand this?” Seunghyun asked, not sure if what he had just said was right.
“I understand, Seunghyun-hyung. But the thing is that I don’t want to see you like that anymore. Or not so frequently as it is now at least. And not because I’m tired of taking care of you but because I’m tired to see you destroy yourself for fear of something you shouldn’t be afraid of. Most of the times I came here it was because something with Jiyong-hyung went wrong and why? Because he didn’t know anything about what’s going on in your mind.” Daesung posed his hands around his cup, nearing to Seunghyun. “If only you would give him a possibility. Don’t you think that the love of your life deserve to know that the person he loves most isn’t well? Don’t you think he would be of help? What you said it’s right. He is fragile but so are you. Why do you still hurt eachother when you could be the strength of one another?”
Seunghyun didn’t know what to say at that.
“Back when you started your relationship, you two were so happy... I swear, I think I never saw you happier than like you were in those times. I know that things has changed but the people I used to know still are in both of you. Just you don’t see it. You just see your problems now. You have became your problems. But they aren’t you, Seunghyun-hyung; they are just part of you. You’ve to accept that. You’re trying to distance yourself from Jiyong-hyung to protect him as if you were a monster but you aren’t. You aren’t a monster, hyung. You will never be one.”
“They will hurt him.” Seunghyun just whispered.
“Yeah, as they do to you, to me, to your family. You can’t completely stop them from hurt you and others. They will probably never go away. As you do, also the people around you have to learn to live with them, to control them the best way possible. I do that. I just accepted that your anxiety and depression are part of your life, our life. And because I know, I try to make things easier for you, to make you more yourself and not your problems.”
Seunghyun felt overwhelmed by all those words. He took the glass of water and gulped the contenent in one go.
“Will you talk with Jiyong-hyung then?”
The elder turned the glass between his fingers, thinking.
“I will think of it.”
Daesung just nodded before taking a cookie.
After that they passed all the day together but most in silent, just enjoying the presence of one another.
When night came, Daesung checked one more time that Seunghyun was really good enough to be left alone and when he was sure of it, he came back home.
Before going to bed, Seunghyun rethought of what the younger said him that day.
He saw the point now. Daesung was right: he was probably wrong about Jiyong. He had to call him and tell him everything.
He promised himself to do that the day after.
The morning came sooner than expected and as soon as Seunghyun woke up and remembered what he promised himself, he felt the anxiety make rooms in his body.
He took a deep breath and lifted up, sitting on the edge of the bed, feet touching the dark parquet.
He checked his alarm clock on the night stand: it signalled that it was almost ten o'clock.
It was unusually early for him. Probably even his body sensed the importance of that day.
He wondered if Jiyong was already up too.
Seunghyun took his phone that was near the alarm clock and checked for new messages. There were none.
He opened the chat he shared with Jiyong and saw that the other had logged in not more than some minutes before. He was awake.
That made him more anxious. He had to do that now or else never.
Seeing the last messages they sent eachother -lines and lines of heart emojis and kisses- before they fought the last time, he wondered if what was coming would definitely sign the end of them.
Those months had been like a roller-coaster for both of them: they separate, they had and came back together.
Just now, it occurred to him that they never really talked in all those times, just arguing or devouring eachother lips and bodies.
He sighed: that wasn’t right. They couldn’t go on like that. If it just was so simple…
But it is simple. It’s just Jiyong, for ing sake.
The part of him that wanted to believe screamed in his mind. He chose to listen to her: he pressed on Jiyong’s contact and sent the call.
Seunghyun held his breath while the phone rang, waiting, his heart beating fast.
It will be easy, come on.
Seconds later Jiyong’s voice came in.
“Hyung?”
Nothing of that was easy.
As soon as he heard the other's voice he felt like crying. It had passed just three days since they saw eachother but they felt like an eternity. His chest was so heavy with so many emotions.
“Hyung? Are you there?”
He came back to reality and held back the tears.
“I am.” He just said.
How stupid. You should have prepared some kind of speech for this.
They stood silent for a bit, both not knowing what to say, till Jiyong spoke again.
“Uhm… Why are you calling me, hyung?”
Seunghyun could feel the hurt in Jiyong’s voice. That was wrong. It shouldn’t be there and Seunghyun knew its presence was all his fault.
“I… We need to talk. I… I have something to tell you.”
“Oh.” Jiyong just answered from the other side.
Seunghyun felt confused by that response. What did it mean?
“Can we meet today? At my house possibly?”
There was silence again and Seunghyun felt a bit like dying on the spot. That conversation felt more like walking to the scaffold.
“Uhm... Yeah... I think I can make it around half past three this afternoon? Is it ok for you?”
Seunghyun sighed more silently he could.
“Yeah, I have nothing to do.”
Again silent. He wondered what Jiyong was thinking about that conversation. Was he feeling that their end as a couple was near too? Probably. But also very probably for a reason really different from his.
“Alright. Uhm… I will meet you this afternoon then. Uhm… Hyung, I need to go… See you later.”
“Yeah, ok. See you later.”
And as he came, Jiyong was gone, leaving him in the silence of his big house.
After his conversation with Jiyong, Seunghyun didn’t know what to do.
He couldn’t regain sleep, as when he lay down again, all he could think of was all the worst possible outcomes of the conversation they would have in a few hours, making him just roll in the sheets with no possibility of gaining peace.
And so he lifted up and walked directly to the kitchen, not minding changing in his usual house clothes. Since it was almost noon he decided it was worth eating something.
He didn’t have the will to cook anything and so it took a box of instant ramen from the sideboard and warm up some water to prepare it.
In a matter of moment it was ready and he took the box with him in the living room where he sat on the sofa and the tv.
He took his time to eat it. He wanted an excuse to occupied the hours that separate him from his encounter with Jiyong.
But, in the end, he couldn’t make it last more than half an hour in which he alternate bites of food to blank stares at the screen in front of him.
His mind was already with Jiyong. He didn’t even know what he was watching.
Just when he finished eating, he noticed that they were transmitting some kind of sappy drama and that the two protagonists were arguing about something that seemed important.
He internally laughed at that: even the tv seemed to send him a signal. Was that really what would happen?
He couldn’t stand seeing it and so he changed channel and got into one of those design program he liked to watch when he had time.
He ended watching it for the following two hours, trying to get absorbed in it to stop his mind to make absurd thoughts on absurd thoughts and control his anxiety but it was becoming really hard to do so.
A part of him hoped that that moment would come as soon as possible but another hoped that it would never come.
He felt so conflicted… He was starting to feel oppressed. He couldn’t stand that.
He lifted up and went back to his bedroom.
Right in the drawer of his night stand were his pills. The ones for his depression and the one for his anxiety.
He took the latter and gulped two pills before sitting on the bed. He was so used to do so that he didn’t even need some water to let them go down.
He really hoped they would help him feeling better since he noticed that in recent times they were more more ineffective every occasion he took them. He didn’t know if it was because he was more anxious than usual or because he was getting used to them; probably for both reasons. He needed to contact his psychiatrist as soon as possible, especially if he and Jiyong were going to break up that day.
How would he go on working with someone that knew his deeper weakness and didn’t accept him for that? That situation was becoming more complex than he expected. Why did he promised himself to tell him everything in the first place if he had so much to loose and to suffer?
Because you’re going to loose everything anyway if you don’t tell him.
Yeah, that was right.
Remember what Daesung said you: you just see your problems now. Don’t worry.
You just see your problems now.
You just see your problems now. He repeated to himself. He needed to convince himself of that. He was just exaggerating his fears as always.
He took him half an hour to calm down a bit thanks to his self conviction and probably more thanks to the pills that had finally effect.
He left out a long breath before lifting up but he couldn’t do anything that his door bell ringed.
He look down at his alarm clock and just then he noticed that it was almost half past three in the afternoon. Jiyong was there.
He had yet to change and made himself decent but Jiyong seemed not intentioned to come in. The other had his keys but probably he retain that it wasn’t a good decision to just enter in his house without his permission after all that happened.
He wondered what he would thought seeing him like that. He wondered if his look was still showing how devastated he was the previous two days.
Seunghyun took courage and walked to the door.
As soon as he opened it, the vision of Jiyong made his heart flatter. He was beautiful. His bleached hair were styled back, he was wearing make up, a white tank top under a black leather jacket, a pair of skinny jeans and fancy black shoes. Earrings were dangling from his ears and he also had some necklaces, bracelets and rings. Probably he had a work appointment.
He felt so out of place, even in his home, wearing just his pyjamas and with his messy hair.
Jiyong looked at him, dumbfounded of what he was seeing. Seunghyun seemed so… destroyed. Did he really took their argument that bad?
They stood there just looking to one another until Jiyong spoke.
“Would you let me in or…?”
At that Seunghyun snapped back to reality and made room for Jiyong to enter. He almost forgot all his worries and what was coming.
He closed the door and followed the other in his living room.
Jiyong sat down on the sofa and waited for Seunghyun to do the same before speaking.
“What did you have to tell me?”
At the question, Seunghyun was taken aback. He knew he had to talk but he didn’t know where to start. Again, he should have prepared some kind of speech, as the little voice in his head told him before.
Probably it was better starting from the recent events.
“I… I have many things to tell you, actually... But, firstly, I think I need to tell you sorry for what happened...”
Jiyong reclined his back on the sofa and crossed his arms.
“You better have a good excuse for that. It seems like you don’t care about us anymore. You don’t want to go out with me and our friends just because you don’t feel like to do that but, yet, when it comes to your actor friends you are always hanging out with them. It hurts, Seunghyun. Why don’t you want to spent time together? I can’t take “I’m tired” as an excuse again. You have done nothing for months why should you be tired? What’s behind it?” Jiyong vented on him.
As yesterday, when Daesung let his feeling out on him, he felt overwhelmed. He was already hard managing his own feelings...
He took a deep breath, closing his eyes.
Jiyong looked at him perplexed.
It’s time, Seunghyun. Tell him. Tell him everything. He needs to know if you don’t want to break up and loose him for good.
It was time.
He opened his eyelids and stared at the leather of his sofa.
“You’re right: there is something behind my behaviour but it’s not what you think. I would never betray you like that.” Another deep breath.
Jiyong seemed not convinced by his words but he wanted to know where that conversion was leading anyway so he let his true thoughts silent. “What’s then?”
Let it out, Seunghyun.
“I… I’m not ok.” Seunghyun felt his heart beating faster. It had been so hard just to say so.
The younger at those words shifted position, freeing his arms, nearing to him. Seunghyun really wasn’t ok. He could tell just by seeing him in that moment. He was breathing faster and he seemed paler than usual. He wasn’t the usual Seunghyun.
“What does it mean?” The elder felt the preoccupation in Jiyong’s voice. “Are… Are you dying?”
Jiyong felt the fear overwhelming him. Was he really going to loose Seunghyun?
At those words Seunghyun looked up just to encounter Jiyong’s eyes starting to wet with tears.
“It’s not that.” His voice was trembling.
The other let out a little sigh of relief. “So… So what is? Please, tell me.”
Seunghyun felt like crying too now.
“I… I’m ill… yeah, but it’s not my body… It’s my mind… It’s my mind...” Seunghyun bended down, putting his elbows on his legs and taking his head in his hands. Tears started to fall.
It’s so hard.
Jiyong opened his eyes wide at that. Seunghyun’s mind was ill…
He promptly lifted up and crouched down in front of Seunghyun, posing his hands on the other’s knees.
“Seunghyun...”
Seunghyun tightened his grip on his hair, hearing the other calling him, trying to hide himself from him.
It’s coming. Now he will tell me he doesn’t want a broken thing like me near him.
Someone help me, please.
A little scream exited his throat, blended by the sobs.
Jiyong felt scared at that and grabbed hard Seunghyun’s arm.
“Seunghyun!” He screamed, pulling Seunghyun’s arm toward himself.
Seunghyun disentangled from his position and feeling exposed, he looked away from where Jiyong was.
“Seunghyun, look at me. Look at me!”
With uncertainty he did as told and his watered eyes met the beauty that Jiyong was. He loved him so much.
“Don’t leave me.” He pleaded, his voice broken by his crying.
Jiyong’s eyes watered even more at those words. He cupped Seunghyun’s face in his hands, while he had his eyes close, and posed his forehead on his.
“I would never leave you for that. Never. Never. Never” He started to shake his head while saying so, making their noses touch in an Eskimo kiss.
Seunghyun sniffed again.
“I’m broken. I’m depressed and anxious and… I’m broken.” Seunghyun said between the sobs.
“No. No, Seunghyun. You are not broken.” Jiyong distanced himself a bit from the other and looked him in the eyes.
“I love you, you know that? With all of my heart.”
Seunghyun’s eyes opened wide and Jiyong caught that moment to kiss him.
As soon as their lips met, Seunghyun melted under Jiyong’s touch. He was so wrong about him. He wasn’t rejecting him at all.
He closed his eyes and responded to the kiss, reclining his head a bit to make their contact deeper.
Jiyong welcomed him into his mouth and their tongues met, caressing eachother slowly.
Jiyong's lips were soft and sweet, his mouth tasted of strawberry flavoured bubble-gum and tobacco. It all felt like home.
The younger after a bit lifted up, breaking the kiss.
Seunghyun moaned at the loss and followed Jiyong with his eyes, pleading him with them to not leave him.
“I'm just sitting here.” Jiyong said, consoling him, while sitting next to him, his figure completely turned toward him.
“Come here.” He opened his arms and Seunghyun didn't wait a second to crush against Jiyong's chest and be embraced by his warmth.
He finally hugged him back, circling Jiyong's waist with his arms, holding his tight.
“I'm so sorry. I’m so sorry. I...” Seunghyun was still crying hard, his feelings a swollen river.
“Ssh. Seunghyun, calm down please.” Jiyong caressed gently his hair and pressed a kiss on them.
“You will tell me everything later.” He said softly, leaning his cheek on Seunghyun's head and caressing slowly his back.
“My Seunghyun. My little, sweet, crazy Seunghyun. Do you know how perfect you are?”
Seunghyun said no with his head. “I'm far for perfect, Jiyong.” His voice muffled by the other's clothes.
“But you're perfect for me.”
At that the elder lifted up a looked at Jiyong in his eyes.
When Jiyong met them, his heart skipped a beat as Seunghyun was looking at him like the best gift the universe could have ever given him.
Seunghyun's mouth was opened as if to say something but he couldn't. Jiyong smiled at that precious expression.
“I know, you're my best gift too.” He neared again to him and kissed him once more.
They both tightened their grip on eachother, pressing their chests together. Doing so permitted them to feel their heart beating hard.
After that, Jiyong laid down on the sofa making room for Seunghyun to do the same.
They hugged again while the elder hide his face in Jiyong's tank top.
Only an hour later Seunghyun finally calmed completely down and let Jiyong go to bring him a glass of water.
He brought it to him before sitting next to him once more.
“How are you feeling now?”
Seunghyun drank a bit of water.
“Better. I... I thought you would have rejected me for that.”
Jiyong felt sad at those words.
“That's the reason why you didn't tell me earlier? Why were you afraid of that? You should know me better.”
Seunghyun sighed.
“It's exactly because I know you that I was scared. You have so many problems yourself... I thought you wouldn't want one more. You're so fragile, Jiyong. I thought you couldn't handle this.”
Seunghyun felt like crying again.
Jiyong neared to him and took one of his hands in his.
“Seunghyun, I can be strong for you. You're not a problem. You would never be one.”
“You... You don't know how hard they hit sometimes. I was so devastated just yesterday.”
“What do you mean?”
Seunghyun grabbed Jiyong’s hands in his.
“After we argued my anxiety and depression took lead of me and I couldn’t manage my thoughts anymore…” Jiyong tightened his grip on him. “I drank for a day straight and I probably passed out too. When I woke up my thought still were out of control so… I called Daesung...”
“What does Daesung have to do with this?”
“He knows everything. The first time I had one of my crisis I called him because I was really bad and needed help.”
“When did it happen?”
Seunghyun took a deep breath. “After we broke up the first time.”
Jiyong didn’t know what to say. He felt so guilty.
“How many crises did you have because of me?”
Seunghyun looked at him. “Many….” Jiyong was ready to say something but Seunghyun stopped him readily. “But it’s not your fault. You didn’t know anything about what was going on. Most of our argument happened because I was thinking too hard and wrongly about too many things.”
“You should have told me. If I knew I would have taken your words differently… You went so far to tell me you didn’t love me anymore and you didn’t want to see me again. You know that?” The younger was on the verge of tears. “It did hurt, Seunghyun. If I knew it wasn’t you talking I would have stayed.”
“I… I’m sorry. I thought that was the best thing to do.” Seunghyun looked down, ashamed for his actions.
“It was not. Why did you do so?” Jiyong’s voice was shaking.
“You're the reason why I'm here, Jiyong. All my dreams came true because of you. How can I stand beside you if can't give you anything back than a broken thing? How can I repay you if I can't even take care of myself?” Seunghyun felt like crying again.
“Oh, Seunghyun. You’re mere existence repay me of everything. You shouldn’t even have thought something like that.”
“It’s not that easy… I’m sorry.”
Jiyong neared to him and kissed his temple. “Don’t be sorry. Just talk to me next time ok?”
“There something else...”
“What is it?”
“Before, I said I wouldn’t betrayed you like that. I didn’t but I think you should know this.” He made a pause to be sure to have Jiyong’s attention.
“You asked why I started to prefer going out with my actor friends and especially John... They saw my mental illness grow, I didn’t have to explain anything to them. It was just easier being around them. That’s why that night John came to me. I know what you are going to ask me and yeah, we did. I just needed someone to comfort me and he was there. Nothing else. And, about Daesung…” He took a deep breath. “I love him too.”
Jiyong distanced himself from the him. “Seunghyun...” He was shocked.
“I kissed him, various times, while he took care of me during my crisis. He saw me at my worse and stood there. I love him too but… You, you are the one, Jiyong. I want you. I love you so much… All this… I just wanted to protect you. Do… Do you understand this? Can you accept this?” Seunghyun looked at Jiyong with watery eyes.
Jiyong stood silent, thinking of what the other just said to him.
“Answer me, please.”
The younger sighed. “I understand and accept it just...” Jiyong neared to Seunghyun once more and took both his hands in his. “...Promise me that you will talk to me from now on and that you will call me when one of your crisis will come. If you want Daesung, that’s ok, but I want to be there too, please. I can take it. I want to be there for you.”
“Alright. I promise.”
Jiyong caressed Seunghyun’s cheek then and kissed him slightly on the lip’s before conjoining their foreheads.
They stood together all day just cuddling with Jiyong trying to lift up Seunghyun’s mood.
For a moment, he seemed to him to be back at their first times: just the two of them, joking and laughing together, not minding all their problems and the world outside.
Seunghyun couldn’t ask for anything else.
Seunghyun felt happy of the outcomes of that conversion. All his bad thought were finally at easy or, at least, they were for those moments.
Jiyong took the situation way better than he thought. He had seen him yelling at him for being stupid, for betraying him, for hiding the truth from him in his moment of anxiety but all that didn’t happen.
Daesung was right: Jiyong wasn’t a child anymore, he did understand.
When night came, they went to bed together, Seunghyun embraced in Jiyong’s arm, head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat.
Jiyong fell asleep almost immediately and Seunghyun stood there watching him.
He felt so at peace there in the warmth of the love of his life… But just when he closed his eyes to sleep as well, the image of Jiyong’s crying for him filled his vision and a wave of anxiety took him.
Are you sure to want to show him how really you are? You will scare him. You will shock him. You will traumatize him as you did with Daesung.
How bad you are, Seunghyun. How egoist.
“No.”
Yes, you are.
“No,”
You don’t care about his feelings. You only care about yourself.
“No” He was crying now.
You are a monster.
“No!” He screamed grabbing Jiyong shoulder.
Jiyong woke up then and reached for the light to turn it on.
“Seunghyun?” He looked at him, noticing how terrified he was, eyes opened wide and full of tears.
“Seunghyun?” Jiyong posed his hands on Seunghyun’s shoulders and shook him but Seunghyun was watching somewhere else, far from the both of them. There Jiyong understood that he was having one of crisis.
He was talking of this before.
“Seunghyun!” he called louder and just then the other fixed his eyes on him. “It’s one of your crisis, right?”
Seunghyun nodded slightly in a moment of lucidity.
“What should I do?” Jiyong was taken aback by the situation. He didn’t know what to do.
The elder didn’t answered.
“Seunghyun, please.” Again no answers. He felt so scare and useless.
Then he remember something that Seunghyun said that afternoon. Daesung.
He recollected his phone from the night stand and make the number before calling.
“Please, please Daesung answer me.” It was one in the night, he just hoped Daesung was awake or that at least he heard the phone.
After a bit finally Daesung answered.
“Hyung? What happened?” the younger asked with sleepy voice.
“Daesung, Daesung, I’m with Seunghyun. We were sleeping but he started to shout and now he doesn’t answer me. I think he has one of his crisis. What should I do?” Jiyong said in one breath, panic perceivable.
Daesung became readily awake.
“Ok, Jiyong-hyung calm down. Panicking will not help.”
Jiyong tried to do as he was told and took some deep slowly breaths.
“Alright. Now, in the drawer of his night stand there are his pills for the depression and the anxiety. I’m sure it’s the latter now. Take the orange bottle and two pills. Give him them. He doesn’t need water just make him gulp them.”
“Ok. Wait.” Jiyong posed his phone on the bed and did as explained taking the pills before returning to Seunghyun.
He took his hand in his. “Seunghyun, come on, baby, take this.” Jiyong neared the pills to Seunghyun’s mouth in the hope he would open them and swallow them.
Fortunately Seunghyun seemed enough present to do so.
Done that, Jiyong retook his phone.
“He took them, now?”
“Now just stay with him. Hug him and talk to him, console him. I’m coming there.”
Jiyong nodded. “Thank you Daesung.”
“Don’t worry, hyung. I will be there in ten minutes.”
“We will be here.”
Daesung hung up after that and Jiyong returned to give attention to Seunghyun.
“Seunghyun, come here, love.” Jiyong positioned himself on the pillows, arranged Seunghyun between his legs, his back to his chest, and wrapped his arms around him.
Seunghyun lifted up a hand to grab Jiyong’s and reclined his head on Jiyong’s forearm.
“My love, I’m here.” Jiyong kissed Seunghyun’s head. “Everything will be alright. We will be alright. Don’t worry.”
The younger stood there repeating those words till Seunghyun’s heartbeat calmed down and he started slowly to fell asleep.
Jiyong heard the door being opened and some steps approaching.
After a bit Daesung showed at the bedroom door.
Jiyong acknowledge him and make him sign to be silent. The other nodded and neared to them.
He sat down on the bed next to them and posed a hand on Jiyong’s shoulder, squeezing it in a gesture of comprehension. He also caressed slowly Seunghyun’s hair before indicating to Jiyong the kitchen with his head.
Jiyong nodded and disentangled from under Seunghyun before arranging him under the sheets and following Daesung in the other room.
They sat down on the dining table, Daesung in the chair of the day before, Jiyong in the one where Seunghyun’s was.
“He told you everything, right?” Daesung was the one who broke the silence.
“Yeah, everything. Also about you two.”
The younger opened his eyes wide, not knowing if he had to be scare or not.
“I’m not mad at you. He explained how the situation his. I should thank you for all you did, instead.”
“I had to, hyung.” Jiyong saw Daesung saddening.
“Is it always like this? He told me what he did two days ago but seeing this...”
Daesung sighed. “Sometimes it’s worse.”
Jiyong was shocked. “Really?”
The other sneered in a sad smile. “Yeah. The first time I thought he was dead.” Daesung neared to the table and posed his arms on the surface, intertwining his fingers. “Sometimes he treats himself with self dosed pills and alcohol… It’s a miracle I had never have to took him to the hospital.”
Jiyong was out of words. He didn’t realized it was this bad.
“He should have told you before. This is too important for you not to know. I’m sorry for his behaviour. I told him many times to do so but just yesterday I seemed to have pressed the right button.”
“Why didn’t you tell me yourself?”
Daesung looked down. “I thought it wasn’t my task. But probably I should have. Again, I’m sorry.”
Jiyong sighed. “You did what you thought was the best. He would have gone mad with you if you told me behind his back. Even if the matter is this important.”
Daesung laughed sadly. “Yeah, that’s right.”
They stood silent for a bit before Jiyong talked again.
“I will take care of him too from now on, whether he wants it or not.”
“If he doesn’t call you right away I will do that myself.” Daesung said back.
Jiyong looked down at his hands, thinking.
“You know, I can comprehend him much more than he thinks. My depression it’s not like his but still, it is there.”
“I knew it.”
Jiyong lifted up his head and fixed his eyes in Daesung’s. “How?”
Daesung scrolled. “I just recognised the signals. When you have to deal with a depressed person you know at what to looking at.”
“Right.” Jiyong made a little smile.
“Did you tell him?”
Jiyong made no with his head. “Before wasn’t the right time. He was too shook to receive such information. I will tell him when he is better.”
Daesung just hummed at that.
“Can I ask you something?” The younger said after a bit.
“Yeah”
“Why didn’t you recognise the signs?”
Jiyong rethought of all the times he and Seunghyun were together to see if he was able to recollect if he ever had some doubt about it but there weren’t. There were doubts but not about Seunghyun’s possible mental illnesses.
“No. I was too caught up in my how insecurities to notice his.” He felt sad at that. How egocentric he was. “I’m as broken as he is.”
“Hyung” Daesung called his attention. “As I said to Seunghyun-hyung, you can be the strength of one another. You still be the people I used to know, just both of you have to see it.”
Jiyong smiled, memories of the time he and Seunghyun made their own album together, all their jokes, all their laughs, all their kisses…
“You’re right. We will do our best.”
“I will make sure of it. Even with Youngbae-hyung and Seungri if it’s necessary.”
Jiyong laughed at that. “Thank you, Daesung.”
“You’re welcome, hyung.”
They couldn’t talk more that Seunghyun started to call Jiyong from the bedroom.
“Jiyong! Jiyong were are you?”
Jiyong and Daesung looked at eachother before rushing in the other room.
“I’m here, Seunghyun.”
Jiyong was on him, immediately, noticing the tears that were starting to fall.
“Oh! I thought you went away. I thought I had scared you.” Seunghyun said, desperation in his voice, hugging him tight.
“No, no, dear. It’s ok. I was just talking with Daesung.”
The younger approached them and sat once again near them on the mattress.
Seunghyun looked at him over Jiyong’s shoulder. “Daesung...”
“Hi, hyung.” he gave him a sweet smile and took the hand Seunghyun was stretching out to him. “Jiyong called me for help.”
The elder nodded slightly and sighed.
“I’m sorry to both of you.” He said tightening his grip on both of them.
“Shh, don’t worry, Seunghyun.” Jiyong caressed his back. “It’s not your fault, alright?”
Seunghyun sniffed and nodded once again.
“Could… Could you both remain here, please? He asked after a bit.
Jiyong turned toward Daesung to share a look. They silently agreed with eachother.
“Yeah, sure my love.” Jiyong answered. “Come on, lie down.”
Seunghyun lied down with Jiyong, never letting him go.
“Do you need a pajamas, Daesung?” Jiyong asked to the younger.
“I actually brought mine here. I thought it would be of use.” Jiyong smiled. “I’ll be right back.”
Daesung vanished from the room just to reappear some moment later, completely changed.
Seunghyun and Jiyong didn’t really changed position, just the younger went under the sheet and so he went to the other side of the bed and laid behind Seunghyun.
“Hug me, please.” The elder pleaded.
Daesung smiled slightly and did as asked, turning on his right side and wrapping an arm around Seunghyun’s waist while Jiyong’s ones were around the elder’s shoulders and head.
“I love you. Both of you.” Seunghyun said, already falling asleep again.
Both Daesung and Jiyong smiled sweetly at that. “We too.” They replayed almost in unison.
It didn’t take long before all of them fell asleep, leaving the house dark and silent.
Silence.
The house was full of silence.
Everything was still and turned off. Just silence and dark.
There weren’t storm going on anywhere then. Just in a little corner of the patronal bedroom three people were sleeping, basking in the peace that the love for eachother was giving them.
All the problems, all the broken things, all the monsters were forgotten even if just for a moment.
But that moment was still precious and dear.
Silence.
Just a peaceful silence.
Finally.
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