Hoseok’s POV

 

The days were passing slowly. So slowly I felt every second of the hour lasting one day. There was nothing to do. I'm surrounded by people but I feel alone. The days are sunny but I think it's raining. It seems that the others enjoy their food but it remains without taste to me. They probably got used to it. From the moment I came in here, I realized how many things from the outside world I was already missing. Though I won't regret my previous act. I had a reason to do it. I had the courage and I was ready. I did it. But it was not enough. I just wanted to forget. Why is it so difficult? I never liked the pain and I will never like it.

 

I cannot remember how long I am here. I do the same things every day and feel stuck in a terribly tiring routine. Many came to talk to me but after they saw that they couldn't get more than 5 words out from me they gave up. Why are people like that? Why do they give up them with the slightest disappointment? If they were trying a little harder, something would happen. But it never happens the way you want it, does it? And I found out in the wrong way.

 

I think I'm here for over than a year and I still haven't heard anything about him. The one who hurt me. The one who led me to such a place. I always wondered. Where are you? What are you doing? How do you feel? Are you happy now? Have you found someone else to love?

Unfortunately, I cannot get him out of my mind as much as I try. But deep down I know that I do not want to forget anything about him and our relationship. Because I continue, after so long, to love him so much.

 

But in the end he left me. It doesn't matter if I told him a million times ‘I love you’. Now he may have gone on with his life, and I'm stuck like a fool in the past. If I could do it all over again, I would. I had the most beautiful moments in my life with him. Although in the end I decided to finish my life. The pain to be abandoned by the one you love is unimaginable. The suicide attempt did not work. My friends and my family closed me here after that. They first took all my pills and at the end of the day without any feeling on their faces left me here. What have I done to be treated like that? Why do people that I love, abandon me? I will not be given any answers and I know it. I just want to know so I can fix myself. At the end of every day I wish these pills had killed me.

 

~Beginning of flashback~

 

Jimin had a long time to talk to me. And from up close and on the phone. He did not answer anything. The last few days were not the best among us but I always tried to make him laugh or at least make him show me his charming smile. Sometimes I succeed but others it seemed as if he did not even hear me. It looked like he was lost in his own thoughts. We also fight a lot. But all healthy relationships are like that,right? I'm going out with Jimin for a long time and I love him even more day by day. Whenever I see him I can feel the butterflies in my stomach. Actually not only when I see him. And when he smiles at me, when he trusts me, when he kisses me and when we make love. Our relationship is serious, and I think I'm going to suggest that we stay together in the same house. And some time after that, I'll ask him if he wants to get engaged.

 

I was so happy to see him after a week. I did not push him to answer my messages or calls because we all need a little time with ourselves. I walked up to his house because I had an appetite for walking and because I wanted to ask him about living together. When I arrived at his apartment building, I hit the door lightly and I called his name with joy. No sound. Weird. It's afternoon after all. Maybe he's sleeping? I tried louder but still nothing. Now I knocked on the door and screamed his name. At that moment at the edge of my eye I saw a lady looking at me strangely and then she approached me. She was very old and had come out with a chain of keys.

 

"I haven't see the young boy come to his apartment for days." My blood froze. 


"Do you know where my friend could be?". I feel strange. I feel that something is wrong.

 

"No, I'm sorry dear. But take this spare key. Once you finish, you can return it to me. I thanked her and watched her until she went into her house. With shaking hands I put the key in the lock and started unlocking it. When I unlocked it and went to get inside I was afraid for the worst. As soon as I opened the door I realized the case was worse than I thought. I walked in and closed the door behind me. I could not hear anything. There was silence. Not even a splinter of wood, nor a drop of water on the sink. Nothing at all. I did not need to go to the other rooms to figure out that they would be the same. But I still could not believe it. He left? Where did he go? Why didn't he tell me? That means, he left me?

 

I felt the tears coming. I could not do anything anymore. I could not make Jimin happy and now he's already gone. He did not give me an opportunity to fix my parts that are still  incomplete and imperfect. But I still do not understand. No matter how my heart is hurting right now and crying I know and very well that he loved me as much as I loved him. But .. it is not like that anymore. Isn't that right? I wasn't enough for him. I could not give him the future he wanted. We could have discussed it.

 

"You could have come and told me what's troubling you Jimin!" I screamed when I realized that I could not keep it inside of me anymore. Like a robot I got out of the apartment, locked the door, gave the key to the kind lady, thanked her and left. As I walked out of the block of flats, I felt empty. I could not feel anything but pain. The pain of abandonment. With an unshaken face I walked to my house and I did not care how the passers-by looked at me. When I walked into the apartment I locked the door and I did not bother to even open the lights. It was dark outside by now. I turned off my cell phone, threw it on the couch and started walking towards the bathroom. I opened a drawer and took out all the pills I had in there. I finally found the pills for my sleep. I hadn't used them in a long time, more specifically since Jimin came into my life. I sat above the washbasin and looked at my reflection in the mirror for the last time and I said.

 

“You are so useless and miserable that you do not deserve even a message. Nothing." 

I put the pills in my hand and put it all in my mouth and swallowed them dry. I sat on the tiles and leant my back and head against the marble of the bathtub. And I waited. After a while, I felt my eyes closing. I was ready for that. I did not feel that I was useful to do anything anymore. I just wanted to disappear.

 

I felt my eyes shutting quickly. Before I could close them and never open them again I thought ‘I wish you are happy now’. And then everything became black.

 

~End of flashback~

 

~Some weeks later~

 

I stayed, like every breakfast, on the table farther than all in the dining room and closer to the window. The only time I could feel good. I like seeing the color green. It was one of my favorite colors because it showed that there was life. But now I am not very excited about it. One reason why they do not let me get out of here is because I've found a number of ways to finish me. Cutting, hanging and more. They never did anything terrible to help me they just take away fr