"What do you think you're looking at? ing freak."

The kids at school, they don't like me.

To them I am nothing but a sick, glaring freak.

I mean nothing, not to a single person in this entire school.

Just like how they mean nothing to me.

No one means anything to me.

There's simply no space inside my head to free for something as unnecessarily talking.

Leave alone having friends.

"He just can't get enough of it.. Hey weirdo, try looking at something else will you!"

Under-appreciated, for no good reason.

Yet, popular people, always know how to take it a little too far.

At least.. Most of them.

Cause there happened to be this one person, who seemed to differ.

"Leave him alone Songjin."

Kim Jongin.

Not exactly one to call my friend, i don't have them like i said.

But something about him, or me, seemed to pull us towards each other.

Maybe it is the same sad, dull look into his eyes that never changed, maybe it was something else.

But he, is not like the rest of them.

 

The sudden stop of social activity didn't come from an unknown place.

Ever since the ual abuse my father caused me, my head was simply too loud.

And maybe I wanted to be the exact opposite of that. 'Loud'.

Because the endless screaming inside it, would eventually surpass my own voice.
It was an endless circle of daily fights, every minute, every second, someones voice would seep through the ones inside my head.
Not that they were more favorable.
But for some reason, it made me feel better.
Knowing that these voices were real, that they didn’t come from my own imagination.

 

"Just because he's your son, doesn't mean you can do whatever you want to him! They should lock you up once and for all!"

My father he’s.. American.
They seem to have different ways when it comes to parenting.
A bit more of a crazy kind of way, a little less love included.
The lack of love though, is not only towards me.
Not once in my entire life, did I see him love my mother.
And it’s been 18 years.

"You're crazy . I could hit you just as hard if you continue like this!"

We both feared my father, not for no good reason.

And the only way to protect me from him would be locking me up in my own room.
It was more favorable than the times where he locked me up in the attic, only to come back later and.. Hurt me.
In different ways..
But eventually, even though I looked like I fell down three stairs, and where from time to time my body couldn’t stop shaking, I had to return to school day after day.

I didn't mind going there, unlike a lot of people my age.

Not while getting called names, being bullied, being all alone all the time.

I enjoyed it here.

Because here, would be more quiet than any other place.

And here, would the person be that came closest to the feeling of a friend.

Yet.. He was no where to be found today.

Unlike usual, he didn't sit with his friend, nor was there the incredible smell of his aftershave that lingered everywhere he came.

And it remained that way.

He didn't show up at the cafeteria for days.

His smell, it faded.

His presence.. Remained only in my noisy mind.

But he could stay there, he was a silent factor in the storm of words.

Yet even after days went by, no one seemed to notice that he wasn't there.

Every single person acted like they used to before.

Not thinking about him twice.

Not his friends, not the teachers.. It was just me who seemed to notice that he was.. Gone.

And because of that, he did become a loud factor inside my head.

He became so loud, that my head would burst.
I needed security.
The security that he was, somehow, still there.
So one day after school, I couldn’t help myself, and went to his house.
I know where he lives because.. I used to follow him, just once.
But even at that place, he looked more gone than ever.
There wasn’t a single noise, besides the awful loud dog from the neighbors, not a single one that could lead to his wellbeing.
The noise only became louder as my eyes locked with the closed shutters and the overflowing mailbox.
It was so quiet, that it became too loud.

 

"Your therapist wishes to see you Kyungsoo. She's concerned about you."

Did i care?

No i did not.

I didn't even care if she would die all of a sudden.

Everybody could easily die, there was no one that mattered anymore.

And now that Jongin was gone, not even I mattered anymore.

I could easily disappear, and no one would notice, no one would know.

Cause who am I, to anyone?

Just the quiet freak who never spoke..

Not even my own father found the time and interest to love me, so who would?
But no matter how hard things would get, I never thought about ending things.
Somewhere, eventually, there would be a good reason to live.

Maybe.

Silence was great.
When my father was too drunk and fell asleep just like that, instead of hurting us, it felt good.
The silence.
It emptied my head a little, even though right now it was so full with only one thought.
Where in the world, was Jongin?
He wouldn’t have told me if he left because.. we never spoke before.
To him, I was possibly just the glancing freak from school, but.. I felt like I meant more.
And what if someone, who cared about me even the slightest bit, was in trouble?
I had to look for him, even though I had no clue as of where he could have been off to.
So that, one day maybe, he would be grateful.

The living room downstairs was even more quiet than the upstairs.
Leaving, would for once be peaceful.
Yet, as the sound of my keys rattled through the non-exciting noise, another one came around.

”Where do you think you’re going? I know your hiding something you son of a !”
It wouldn’t be the first time leaving the house with some trouble attached.
In fact, it would be rare if it didn’t happen.
Yet, at the sound of awful loud yelling, a strong hit into my face had me falling to the ground.
And once in a while, a sound would escape from even my lips.
 “Oh so now you can speak, Huh? What about now?!”
A rough kick into my stomach had me groaning out, yet, not a single scream would come from my mouth.
I couldn’t be as loud as the voices inside my head.
Never, could I become like them.
I had to remain quiet, no matter what would happen.
Even with my face turning blue, my stomach getting sore, up till the point where I would throw up blood, like it happened so many times..
I would not become like them.

”That’s enough Jeremy!”
My mother, would interfere eventually.
Simply, because the lack of speaking caused me to not stand up for myself.
But in return, she knew that she would be the next victim.
I couldn’t really care about that either.
My mother.. She’s nice, but it wouldn’t be a loss if the day that he actually killed her, she would be dead.
”Leave Kyungsoo! Leave!!”

This were simply the daily events.
It didn’t differ a lot because my father would eventually get drunk.
Yet, as the wind blew through my hair, and the cars rushed by at my side, it didn’t occur to me.
There would have been worse things in life.
I could have been terribly ill, or kidnapped and murdered?
I had nothing to complain about.
Yet while drowning into thoughts, my eyes caught something else.

The reason I wanted to get out in the first place, was waiting at the bus stop.
Bright white ear buds rested into his ears while his fingers tapped onto a touch screen phone.
Of course he would have the latest technology, he came from a rather rich household..
But next to him, was a big bag.
Something you would bring along on a holiday.
It wouldn’t fit all his belongings.. not even close.

I wish to call for him.
To scream at the top of my lungs so he would hear me.
But I had to remain the same way I always did.
I would just have to walk over to him and eventually..
Do nothing.
I would have no choice but to just stare at him, like the weird freak I am.
Yet as I set foot onto an awful crowded road, bright lights and a loud hooter filled me up.
The next few moments after that, I can’t really remember.
All I really remember is that I woke up in a hospital, and the one voice that had been filling up my head, without being around, was here.

”How should I know? He never ing speaks! He’s not my friend? He’s just the weird freak from school, maybe he just wanted to kill himself. Do I really have to stay here just because I helped him? I really have better things to do right now.. Jesus ing Christ! Why does this have to happen now?!”
As expected, I was just the weird freak from school.
Yet, he cared enough to bring me to a hospital, and not let me die.
And even now, his eyes remained the same way.
Even though his voice showed off anger, and lots of it, his eyes were more true.
More empty than ever, more sad.
He as a person, is not true to himself.
You start to notice such things when you shut down the ability to speak.
Without words, you understand someone in a different way.

You’ll learn, that not all that seems to be there, is what should be there.
”Call his parents for all I care..”
He’s just like me, a person who’s not good at expressing how he feels.
He may use his voice more often, but besides that, we don’t differ a lot.
We both have our secrets, big enough to keep them hidden away.
Secrets that could one day, ruin everything.

It was the last time I saw him in weeks.
That day, in the hospital.
Even as I went back to that place, school, he wasn’t to be found.
Ever since the day he left, he remained absent.
Until today.
This very day in particular.

A day, just the same as any other, not a single change.
Apart from one thing.

I, was ready to end my own life.

It had been weeks of absolute torture.
The returning of not only physical, but added up to that the ual abuse he once caused me.
Just like before, I meant nothing, to no one.
I was only good for ones use.
I was only good for people to make me feel bad about myself.
To feel like a filthy 18 year old boy who couldn’t stand up for himself.
Someone who differed because of everything he had been through.
It had been enough.
I used to believe that there was a reason to go on longer, that eventually even I would find happiness.
But I didn’t.
And I decided to give up.
If it wasn’t for him..

I take the train to school because -most of the time- it’s quiet.
You don’t need to communicate with anyone.
People will mostly stare at you, the way they would stare at any other person.
But it’s still a favorable trip.
Yet, while I was waiting, it didn’t get to me.
I wouldn’t take that trip into the direction of hell itself.
Instead, I would use this perfect place and time, to kill myself.
You see it more often.
People who jump in front of trains, no one ever survives.
They would be dead before they would even realize it.
Even though I was fully aware that I would die here today.
It seemed peaceful.

Slightly painful as well