I woke up in the middle of the night, not to let your shadow invade my dreams. I shouldn’t have looked back at what had happened, but how I could forget that day. I felt scared, almost intimidated by those blurry memory, did you know?

You had looked right into my eyes that faithful day, your brown orbs sparkling and determinedly. Snow falling slowly on silky hair was not as cold as your face, reflecting on my eyes. The girl I had loved, and still loved, her warmth did not embrace me anymore. Fatigue appeared on every glimpse you took. I knew, it was me who turned you into something like this. And I know, too, what you were going to say…

“Oppa, let’s break up.”

My heart broke. Every and each piece cut through my mind. So hurt, I just wanted to burst out crying, but I could not stop your going away. The stubborn one, who had been hopeless in trusting his lover, was me. And today, you were not patient any longer…

Did I have the right to wait for your return?

Your silhouette gradually disappeared through the white veil of snow. I stood there, eyes following you, and caressed everything I could still keep of you, except for your heart.

The day I met you for the first time, the girl with blazing smile of a goddess had taught me the meaning of “miss” and “love”. The most innocent, most angelic, the one owner of my heart, Im Yoona.

I was attracted by your gentle, but playful nature, your burning determination buried deep within. I had never thought that I could love someone that much.

You were childish, always teased me with your not-so-girly pranks, with your pure laughs which, fortunately, were never hidden with shyness.

You were mature, you had never been sulky when I missed our date because of work, or when I ignored you in public because we were forced to pass by each other.

You were strong, only let your guard down in some dark corners, sobbing so quietly. You had never experienced the sacred love of a mother like one in the song you sang, but you always tried to express the feelings with all your heart.

You were innocent, you never knew how beautiful you were, to the point that every time you smiled, people stopped just to look, dazed and dumbfounded. You were humble with every praises you got, even if you really deserved them.

And I loved every single little things about you. When I realized that my eyes were always searching for you, my heart ached seeing you swallowing your tears in front of the over-scrutiny of the crowd, I decided that I wanted to protect you, wanted to shower you with happiness.

And….I had loved you.

It was too serene when we got together, that I almost believed those wonderful days would last forever. But then, Ok Taecyeon came.

You accepted the offer to act with him in Gayo Daejun, and you two would have intimate scenes. I felt scared, insecure…because maybe he also liked you.

“Yoong, can you switch your role?”

“Oppa, are you jeolous?”

“….”

“Don’t worry. It is just work.”

If only I had believed in what you said. Right, if only I could have done something so easy like that. But I really couldn’t.

People refered to you and him as a perfect couple. Your name always appeared, together and side by side with his in every single shows. You joined Family Outing, of course with Ok Taecyeon. It was scripted to set up some scandals to attract great sensation. I could not stand it, when our relationship was considered between a sunbae and his dongsaeng in everyone’s eyes, even when you belonged to me. And he, who did not even try anything, could easily stood beside you, with you smiling. I would have gone crazy.

I could not refrain myself from banging in Lee Soo Man’s office, demanding him to get you out of the show, and our relationship got discovered. That period of time was hard for both of us. I frantically searched for you, when we were separated from every common activities. I was obstinate, ignoring comments that I had overstepped the limits.

You, who also received heavy criticism, you might have been hurt more than me. I was blind, almost insane to realize what you suffered, coping with a burdensome schedule and 
falling sick too regularly…You never blamed me for anything, but deep into the core of your heart, was our love fading? I felt scared because of that, everytime I thought about you.

Im Yoona…I uttered your name, too many times, to make sure that you still had me in your mind. I continuously called you every spare moment I got, to the point that there was no time for my conscience to realize that, you also needed your own private space for yourself.

 
During that time, what had you been thinking? Yoona, I loved you, but I did not know how to make our love last. It was tiring for you, wasn’t it?

When we broke up, I did not try to grab, to cling onto anything. I wished to protect you, but eventually made you cry. I wished to bring you happiness, but in the end only regrets and pain remained. If I had but one reason to keep you stay, I would not let it pass my grasp.

I wanted to punish myself, forced myself to forget you. I buried my mind in work, and practice. I had to make use of every single seconds I had, for I knew, only a careless moment was enough for your images to flood through my brain. I dodged off anything related to you, afraid that once I took a glimpse, I would not be able to hold my tears in. Clumsily as I turned around each time I faced you, because I did not want those brown orbs to tangle with my heart, squeezed it tightly with our past memory.

I felt like I was slowly turning into a maniac. Because of me? Or was it you, Yoona?

A part of me was still waiting…for a word from you. Saying you would come back, but at last, we still remained silent. Because I was too stupid to realize I could not let you get away…or because you were so cruel, that you did not care how much I needed you?

Even if I could throw you out of my mind when I was awake, shadow of the past still lingered around in my dreams. I was tired, thinking about you unconsciously. This torturing cycle, how long could I stand it? The pain was killing me, although I still lived, standing together with you under the same sky. The pain of trying to forget you…

“RRRRRRRRRR…RRRRRRRRRR”

“Leeteuk hyung...it’s your phone…”

“Donghae? Take the call for me.” – Leeteuk yelled from the bathroom.

I held the rectangle shape of a phone, somehow feeling the ground breaking loose, for a name was blinking brightly on the screen, a name had since become my own obsession – Im Yoona.

“Yoboseob..”

“Oppa!! Managers have decided to make a debut for SNSD in Japan. We will have to stay there for some months. Ottokae, Teukkie??”

Your voice, gentle and soothing, had enough power to melt my frozen heart. In a moment, the disguise of a strong and cold guy broke down without a trace. You were waiting for me, for a response. Seconds ticked by, the glowing warmth of sensing your being so near made me dazed. For how long, I had missed this voice so dearly, do you sure know?

“Oppa…?”

I was wrong. I did not forget anything, even a single feature of your smiling face. Instead, I hid away from the truth that, I had loved you, almost selfishly and possessively. I could not see you with anyone else, wish you happiness with anyone else. I could not lose you.

All attempts to get you out of my life suddenly became meaningless, for memory of you had invaded my thoughts. I wanted to see you, to sweetly murmur words of love that I kept just for one person. The term “I miss you”, I would uttered so near your ears, when my arms were around your tiny waist. Only you, Yoona.

“Where are you?”

“….”

“Where are you, Yoong?”

“…Donghae…Is that you…!?”

I bolted through the door like a mad man. I could not decipher my steps, they created their own path, too frantic and frenzied. You were there, where we first met. Could I let myself hope for another chance of “us”?

I had made droplets of tears taint your beautiful face, because I was a jerk. I had let your hands out of my hold, because I lacked too much. Forgive me for trying to forget you. This last chance, it would not drip away, I would keep you in my embrace. Those doe eyes, I would fight away all the sorrow hovering over your shining orbs. Those thin shoulders would no longer, alone, carry any burdens. I would suffer anything, for you. I would, for eternity, protect the purest thing on Earth-the smile on your lips.

Please come back to me, Yoona.