The train ride feels longer than it used to be.  
My trip to Daegu seemed to be taking forever. 
I did not really want to go home. I'll sure just miss my family when I'm gone again. I don't want that. 
My original plan was to go home tomorrow morning but I'm scared I might see J---- 
I sighed. 
I shouldn't sweat myself thinking about those things, right?  
Distraction. I should find distraction. 
I just observed the people around me.  
The train is not that crowded. 
Manager hyung wants to drive me to our house but I refused. I could always take the subway.  Besides,  I miss riding public vehicles and I'm sure no one's gonna recognize me.  Im wearing a cap and a hoodie plus the fact that it's night time.  So i doubt it. 
Some people got off the station.  Next stop is where im gonna get off.  Im hoping I could loosen up a bit so I could ponder.  Being with my family will bring me temporary distractions. 
I left the train by the next station. I took a cab.  
It's good to be back to the place where I grew up even just for days. It feels nostalgic. 

I was greeted by my family exhilarately the moment I reached our doorstep.
I missed them so much. 
I hugged my father whom I didn't see for a long time.  I missed his warmth. His and mother's. 
"Have you already eaten?  Come to the kitchen. I cooked your favorites knowing my baby is going home after a long time."  my mother tugged my arms.  I smiled.  This is the feeling of home. 
I saw my grandmother eating on the dining table. I kissed her on her cheek.  
This is exactly what I needed; my mother's food. I sat by her side and start eating. Hyung is at work so I'm only the noisy one in the dining considering they asked me a lot of things. 
Everything about this place feels warm and welcoming. I feel relaxed for the first time in this week.  
After supper,  my mother forced me to go to my room and have a long rest. I obliged.             
 I want to spend my whole day with them tomorrow so I gotta do things that needed to be finished. 
I still have to do the things Mingyu have ordered me to. 
He suggested--no!  Commanded rather to listen to the whole tracks in the playlist.  He assumed that If I listen to the whole thing Jihoon wanted me to listen into, It might help me to clear my mind.  To lessen my anxiety. 
He indicated that when I learn Jihoon's side of track, I will know what to do later and i will be able to deal with him. Easier said than done.  
But still, his advice was so tempting and I hate to admit how gullible am I to comply. 
So that's what I'm gonna do tonight. Listen. 
I brought the tape out of my bagpack. I intend to stay here for just two days and that's the only thing I brought with me here.  
Our week will be over in just days and there will be no time to slack off so we gotta enjoy this vacation.
 I wish I could do that.  
I waited for the next track to play with jitters penetrating my whole body. I can't hold a grip of myself.  
"Hana. Dul. Set. There!  Hello! There goes my insanity striking again.  Ah!  It's getting out of hands. I said I would never record things again. I tried to listen to the first track of this playlist and God!  Im telling you I didn't even finished it and I ing died.  Remind me why I did this again?  Listening to it made me really want to bury myself back to my mother's womb. What more if Seungcheol hears it?  I'll bury him seventeen feet below the ground. oh! Come to think of it,  I changed my mind. I'll bury him in my arms instead.  haha. So okay, back to the track,  I'm finally over that or maybe im still not but that's really not the effin' point to matter here."   Jihoon began. 
I didn't allow myself to think about my feelings. Confusion is the last thing I needed at this moment. 
"As you can see, wait. This was made for listening. Stupid Jihoonnie!  Okay.  As i was saying, i am here again.  I'm recording things just in times I feel friggin' angsty or I wanted to bend my anger or whatever emotions I'm feeling. Im weird, I know.  Don't worry,  i pity the normal ones. So anyway,  my seventh complaint is about to be made.  Shall we start the real deal now?"  He sounded like he's hosting a variety show except that the show is heartbreak hotline. 
Others assumed that Jihoon isn't really the type to blabbermouth because he's not talkalive when doing a broadcast but I'll tell you a secret,  he is. He is really chatty and whinny just not in front of the camera.
"The seventh song is entitled I hate you, I love you.  It was a song of Gnash featuring the guy whos-name-I-forgot.  I hear Jisoo playing this on his guitar once and I thought this song is cool. There's also a rap in it. It's quiet a good song for a broken hearted like me. This song have taught  me that thinking a lot sometimes brings worse to people.  Im telling you, believe me when I say that.  " he recited with conviction. 
I know Jihoon-nie.  Been there. I couldn't agree for more. 
The instrumental fills his silence.  
"Do you know that today is ing Friday and I don't really care? Choi freaking Seungcheol was with me. Was. It should be a pleasure. Pleasure my ! Spare me please. It was actually not!"  He uttered under his breath. 

Feeling used
But I'm
Still missing you
And I can't
See the end of this
Just wanna feel your kiss
Against my lips
And now all this time
Is passing by
But I still can't seem to tell you why
It hurts me every time I see you
Realize how much I need you

"I should feel felicitous cause I see you're making an effort to make up with me and repair what's broken. Another headline! Well, You should!  I ing deserved it. We already talked, right?  Privately.  We agreed we'll fix this.  I'm not even  ccognizant that there's a crack that needed to be fix. You said you want your best friend back. you! Im not the freaking problem in here. It irritates the hell out of me.  But i know we're both stupid. I realized Im nodding like I'm conceding it was my fault. That I'm the one who turn back at you when in fact I am the one left wounded in this battle.  I hate you for making me feel guilty. That's what annoys me. Well,  What a news!  We're back.  Congratulations! Your best friend who dont want you as just friend is finally back"

I hate you, I love you
I hate that I love you
Don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you

"I really hate you for wanting you so bad. I really hate you for the sleepless nights. The anxiety and all.  I feel so ing dumb that I'm willing to forget to pain you have inflicted in me.  I hate you because you make me wanna love you even more than I should. Tell me, should I be happy to be back on my duty as your best friend that you will run into when you have a goddamn problem?" 
I don't know what to say Jihoon.  
Do you not want to come back? 

I hate you, I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I'll never be her

"Maybe I'm the one to blame this time.  Maybe it's not you. I'm the one who told you to run straight to me when you have some trouble. I told you that you can always depend on me. I can be your ing pillow. I can be your handkerchief. You could cry on my shoulder and i won't mind the snotts and the dampness of my shirt. I can abandon whatever I'm doing no matter how important it is just to attend you. I won't mind. I'll feel greatful even because it means you trusts me. It was okay until your ing problem is involving Jeonghan.  Greatness! Just great!"   He spitted the words.  
I tried so hard to understand what he's saying. 
But error,  not found.   

I miss you when I can't sleep
Or right after coffee
Or right when I can't eat
I miss you in my front seat
Still got sand in my sweaters
From nights we don't remember

"It was ing insulting coming to me when your problem is ing Yoon Jeonghan. Of all people, it was Jeonghan.  You said he was so important that you didn't know what to do if he really got angry with you and not talk to you for ing ever. He was so important that you looked so down earlier. That I couldn't even cheer you up.  Be sensitive sometimes. Gosh!  Broken hearted here. Excuse me i can't fathom that.  I couldn't  blame you because you didn't know this craziness.  So all  I have to do is to be a ing good and dependable best friend. Comfort you and say everything's gonna be alright. it! I did that. But after you hugged me  for a ing minutes you shut the world and slept the whole day.  You did not seem fine after that.  I feel useless! It's like saying you don't need me.  That i couldn't do anything for you.  That's friggin' it.  I've lost it. I feel useless. "
A specific occurrence crossed my memory just now.  Picturing the scene he was talking about. 
I finally remembere. 
This is when Jeonghan and I fought because i told him to stop being lazy and being so sluggish.  I was really having a bad day then so we fought a little.  
I could be a strict leader at times and seeing other members sweating, giving their all to practice especially Soonyoung, seeing Jeonghan slacking seems unfair for the othets so I scolded him but it was just a misunderstanding cause he did feel bad that day and I didn't know.  It happened almost a year ago.  
But Jihoonie,  you're mistaken.  I hugged you because it was the best way to calm myself down that time.  I needed your warmth that day. You said it's gonna be alright so I believed you.  So I just slept. 
I believed you so that I just waited for Jeonghan to calm down then talk to him after. You're right.  It was alright after all.  

Do you miss me like I miss you?
ed around and got attached to you
Friends can break your heart too, and

"So I asked myself.  Even as a friend. Do you still need me like I need you?  Do you still want me like I want you? Do you always have to break my heart?" 

I'm always tired but never of you
If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn't like that
I put this real out, but you wouldn't bite that
I type a text but then I nevermind that
I got these feelings but you never mind that
Oh oh, keep it on the low
You're still in love with me but your friends don't know
If u wanted me you would just say so
And if I were you, I would never let me go

I  don't mean no harm
I just miss you on my arm
Wedding bells were just alarms
Caution tape around my heart
You ever wonder what we could have been?
You said you wouldn't and you ing did

"I was always exhaused from composing and all the producing stuffs but when it comes to you,  I always say yes.  I'm always free when it comes to you. I want to make you feel you are the best leader in the whole goddamn world that time.  I want to make you feel you are not lacking like you have always thought.  What you did is alright.  That it was not your ing fault you did not know he's having a headache. You deserve that ing position.  I want to give you my support but then you don't mind that . I'm always here when you needed me but  I could not run to you when I have problems because it's you who's causing it.  I always wonder how can you be so dumb and naive.  Mingyu even noticed my feelings towards you and I'll ing kill him when he said a word about that but there you go, ing numb. Not minding me." 
Mingyu knew?  That's why he got the nerve to order me around? Since when?  
I'll kill him when I get back.  

Lie to me, lie with me, get your ing fix
Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all ing mixed
Always missing people that I shouldn't be missing
Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance
I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing
But I learned from my dad that it's good to have feelings
When love and trust are gone
I guess this is moving on
Everyone I do right does me wrong
So every lonely night, I sing this song

"Sometimes im thinking that I should just distance myself from a notorious thief like you. But nah!  I did that once and I just drowned in a Pacific depth. it's hard to swim now. I want to kill you and this feeling but it feels so good to have this. I feel ing alive. I want to feel this butterflies until it lasts. Cheol-ah, it should be your problem so why am I so affected? It's not like we fought.  I feel so used.  Not that you used me. My goddamn feelings is enslaving me. it's okay for me if you want someone to lean on but i dont know why when it comes to Jeonghan it feels like instead of comforting you, I need to comfort myself first. When it comes to him, im losing my confidence." 
He said through his breathing.  
I feel like a bad friend.  
I should have thought that you have a problem too. 

I hate you, I love you
I hate that I love you
Don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you
I hate you, I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I'll never be her

"I abhor Choi Seungcheol. I love him but it feels like he likes Yoon ing Jeonghan. I'm fighting  a losing battle. I am no match to him. Unfair! He is so damn pretty. Cheol said im cute. Cute my !  If i am that cute,  why couldn't he love me?  Of course!  He has Yoon ing Jeonghan that bypassed him all the time.  He always chooses gentle Jisoo and ignores pitiful Cheol. He always make Cheol a ing option.  I could choose him y'know? Why does he have to settle being an option when he could be a priority?  I'm always putting him first but he prefer to be just Jeonghan's option.  I know I sound ing corny right now. But admit it,  I have a point in here.  Why won't he let me? He could have the attention Jeonghan is taking away from him If only he will let me be." 
He sounded determined.
So he is jealous of Jeonghan?  
Am I Jeonghan's option?  
What am I suppose to say?  It's ridiculous. 

All alone I watch you watch her
Like she's the only girl you've ever seen
You don't care you never did
You don't give a damn about me
Yeah all alone I watch you watch her
She's the only thing you've ever seen
How is it you'll never notice
That you are slowly killing me

"All I ever do is admire your ing secretly. Your tighs are good too. Don't get the wrong idea. I'm not fantasizing you.  Im not a ert who has a green mind.  Im realy not.  It's really a compliment,  you pretty ! I don't need to feel embarrassed by that.  You'll not hear this for the nth time. What I am saying is we are just beside each other all the freaking time but you feel so far away. You have gotten beyond my reach.  You always look for him. I always caught you giving him stolen glances. How about me?  Look for me too. Take care of me too. Pabo!  You are always laughing with him.  You are happy with him.  You can give me your hundred million smile too. You even love to smell his hair. You're killing me.  Im jealous.  But who am I compare to Jeonghan?  He is everything a girl and even a man wants.  He is ing ideal. A great deal.  A, package. He is tall I'm not.  He is hot i looked like jiggly puff.  His personality is on point while I behave like a .  He is ing perfect and i am not!  But i could make you happy too.  If you'll just let me.  Cheol-ah I'll never ignore you like Jeonghan does. I'll give you what you deserve.  Look,  I told myself not to cry this time cause i look so pathetic having swollen eyes.  It's your fault Cheol-ah.  It hurts you know.  Im not drunk but this is worse than having hang over.  It's klling me.  Up until now. " 
Jihoon is not crying like any other days. But that didn't lighten  the atmosphere. 
Im not crying this time too but my heart is agonizing with him right now. 
The world feels melancholic at this rate. 

I hate you, I love you
I hate that I love you
Don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you
I hate you, I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I'll never be her

"I hate you Seungcheollie for giving  me reasons to love you this much. For making my heart beat so fast.  For hurting me and leaving my heart shattering to its very pieces without being aware of it. For being so kind and humble. It feels like the world doesn't deserve you. But still I hate you for letting me think so lowly of myself comparing to Yoon Jeonghan. I hate you cause you only see Jeonghannie.  I hate you hyung.  I hate you for giving me so much pain only to come back again loving you and hoping that someday this feelings could be reciprocated too.  I hate you for hurting me just to love you over and over again.  I hate you Choi ing Seungcheol it stings so much. I hate to admit i am smitten and I could not pull myself up."  he declared letting what his heart says finally heard.  
That's when the song ended. 
I feel so bad watching your distress and not being able to do anything. 
I wish you will never have to feel so low because you are good in your own way Johonnie.    
I feel like I don't have the right to hug you and comfort you when I am the one causing the tears on your beautiful eyes.  
Forget me Jihoon-ah.  Im up to no good. 
Im sorry.