My dearest Wonwoo,

I wonder how it would’ve felt for you to sleep alone in our bed, because I’ve been trying to do it since the day you left, and even when I’m curled up in the sheets, I don’t feel warm enough. It’s not the same when I don’t wake up with you by my side, or hearing your voice sing around the house. I feel bile rising up my throat when I wake up, because a house without you just feels disgusting and wrong. It isn’t home without you.

It must’ve been hard for you, wasn’t it? I wish I could rewind all the times that I didn’t show you what you’re really worth. I’m underserving for all the kind things you’ve done for me. I’m undeserving for being ungrateful when you gave me everything, and I gave nothing back to you but hurt and loneliness. I cannot imagine how you would’ve woke up alone and have to be responsible for a grown adult. How ty it would’ve been to not have someone to lean on and depend on. I don’t have anyone to lean on now, baby. I don’t have you.

I was a fool to let you go, and honestly, how does one live when their other half is gone? I don’t know Wonwoo, it feels dramatized, but I can’t function without you. My heart physically clutches when I think about us – when I think about you, and when I think about what I did. I didn’t mean to raise my hand towards you. I feel about myself when I remember what I did. I feel like dying. I do not deserve a second chance with you, but I want it.disgusted

Come back to me. I’m worthless, and the most selfish person you might’ve ever came across, but please come back to me, and love me again. I’m filthy. I’m venomous, and I’m trash, and I’m bad, and I’m anything but worth it for you but please, please, please, come back to me Wonwoo. I don’t deserve you, but I want to. You make me a better man, and when I hold you, I feel like my world is complete. I want to hold you again, Wonwoo. Make me whole again. Make us whole again, and I’ll be the luckiest man on earth. I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you.

I love you, so, so, much.

Always yours,

Kim Mingyu.

When it comes to Mingyu, it’s hard for Wonwoo to say no. Wonwoo rereads the letter five times, hesitance void on his lips when Mingyu shakily had handed him a worn envelope, sobbing loudly, leaving an ugly mess on his face – words barely leaving his mouth coherently in his desperation to talk to Wonwoo. Wonwoo had hugged Mingyu to warm him up in the cold weather, arms rubbing softly to generate some heat into his bones, disappointment rising when he thinks about how the other had considered getting out of the house with such flimsy clothes. He smelt smoke on Mingyu, but he was very sure the other was stone cold sober.

When Wonwoo asks Mingyu to read the letter to him the fourth time going through it, he masks his surprise when the other recites the letter without throwing a glance at the stained, crumpled paper – eyes holding vulnerable gaze with Wonwoo the entire time, dripping sincerity with every word, hiccupping entirely. Wonwoo deemed the cold street unsafe for Mingyu’s well-being and opted to get him into a warm coffeehouse.

Mingyu sits perched on the edge of his chair, the wood feeling uncomfortable on his back when he shifts around incessantly, face puffy and lips chapped from the cold air, and crying fifteen minutes prior. He gazes at Wonwoo reading the letter for the seventh time, but he isn’t embarrassed, for his heart was all for Wonwoo, and he was presenting himself bare in front of the other, stripped off his facade and walls.

“How have you been, Wonwoo?” He asks, when the other neatly folds the paper, and places it under a heavy table number to safeguard it from flying away.

“I’m okay, Mingyu,” he answers with a small smile, hands wrapping around his mug of hot coffee. Mingyu notices it isn’t black anymore. It looks lighter, like it has a lot of milk in it. Things have changed over months, but Wonwoo is as ethereal as ever. “How are you?”

Mingyu doesn’t know how to answer his question. How does he tell Wonwoo he’s been miserable ever since? Wonwoo looks okay. His skin is glowing, face unmarred from the scar Mingyu had given him the day he left. He was always glowing, a beautiful sight Mingyu missed greeting in the morning with hushed whispers.

“I’m not okay,” he says honestly, a sorrow smile painting his face, though Wonwoo remains silent at his answer, unnerving him, disheartened at his response.

“I got promoted at my job,” he switches subject. “Those overtime I worked paid off in a way I guess. Work’s less stressful nowadays,” he updates.

“I’m so happy for you Wonwoo,” Mingyu says sincerely. What he doesn’t understand is how subtly things have changed, from the ‘I’m so proud of yous’, to a

‘I’m so happy for you’. He realizes the differences between the two phrases hold a huge significance.

“Baby, I got promoted at job,” Mingyu hollered into the house, backpack and suitcase thrown next to the coat hanger the moment he stepped in to share his excitement.

“No way!” Wonwoo ran to kiss him by the door. “I’m so proud of you, Gyu,” He held Mingyu’s face in his hands, the other’s hand winded around his waist lovingly. “You did so well.”

“This means I can ditch that other part time job I do from Wednesdays to Saturdays. I’ll get to spend more time with you,” he bit his lip giddily.

“I love you so much,” he laughed in the embrace. “Now come, I’ve made us dinner. It’s Chinese noodles, your favourite,” he dragged Mingyu gently by the wrist to their quaint dining space.

“How’s work treating you, Mingyu?”

“I’m fine. Work’s okay. I quit the work I used to do on Monday nights recently. I only work two jobs now. It still keeps me financially stable.”

“That sounds really great,” the other smiles genuinely.

Mingyu couldn’t help but ask. “Have you been sleeping well, Wonwoo? The weather’s pretty harsh these days.”

He laughs. “I sleep great, Mingyu. Jun’s gotten a separate heater specifically for my room. It’s really warm to stay in bed and read a book.”

“Are you staying with Jun?”

“Yeah,” Wonwoo looks down at his coffee.

“I’m sorry,” Mingyu shakily blurts, unsure if he’s apologizing for putting Wonwoo into that situation, partially responsible for forcing Wonwoo out their home – or for wholly ruining things.

“Mingyu, I –”

“No, Wonwoo, it was my fault. It’s all my fault. I did this to you, I did this to us. Wonwoo, I’m so sorry. I, – I ed everything up, and, , I could never take all the consequences back.” Mingyu looks down, a tear slipping out his eye.

“Mingyu, it was in the past. It’s, – we can’t do anything,” Wonwoo sighs.

Mingyu chokes on his words. “Wonwoo, that letter, – you’ve read the letter. I mean every single word, Won. Call it desperate, or whatever you want to, but it’s been so hard without you,” his voice quivers. “I can’t live like this,” he whispers.

“Mingyu,” he sighs again exasperatedly.

“Please Wonwoo, don’t leave again,” he snivels.

“Do you understand how it would’ve been for me?” he looks at Mingyu in the eye, the hurt in it mirroring back. “It didn’t hurt when you hit me Mingyu. It hurt more when you never called me when you never come home, and when you drifted apart. It hurt the most when I couldn’t recognize my Mingyu anymore,” his voice slowly gets softer, steady tone reducing into a whisper.

The past six months had been full of Wonwoo living off Jun and Minghao’s support, both materialistically and emotionally. It took Wonwoo terrible effort to try and carry out his normal daily routines steadily, on the verge of giving up if it hadn’t been for Minghao who came to breath him a good morning with a gentle pat on his back in the mornings, and Jun who hugged him over the kitchen counter at breakfast as additional energy to keep him going through the day without falling apart.

“It was hard to stop loving you,” Wonwoo says, and Mingyu’s breath hitches, heart stilling for deliberate seconds, ten seconds of near death, because he wonders if it’s just been too late for him to fix things, and revert to becoming the Mingyu and Wonwoo they had been over a year ago. If Wonwoo has stopped loving Mingyu anymore, then Mingyu doesn’t see the point of having anything remaining significant enough for anymore.

“Stop?” He chokes out a hoarse whisper.

“I tried so hard, Mingyu. I’m still trying. It just never seems possible for me to stop loving you,” he breathes out, voice watery.

nwoo well, always prone to inflicting pain “Wonwoo,” he whimpers when he catches Wonwoo’s eyes glazed over with tears. Seemingly, Mingyu will never be good in treating Woto the other whether he’s doing it consciously or unconsciously, no matter distance and physical presence. His heart aches at the reminder that he will never be a good enough person for him. “Let me fix this,” he whispers a broken voice.

“We’ve come too far for anything to change anymore Mingyu,” he lets a shaky sigh.

“No, please, – please don’t give up on me yet,” Mingyu chokes out. “Give us a chance again. I’ll do anything. I’ll do everything,” he rushes, fingers itching to reach out at table, when his eye catches the other’s.Wonwoo’s hands across the

Wonwoo’s empty bed is a reminder that his efforts would always end up faulty, and his full heart squeezes him into choking his brain to stop function, to make his emotions shortcut into making him understand that Mingyu would always be worth it, no matter what Wonwoo does to try deny it, and how much Jun tries to brainwash him to taint Mingyu’s name further in occasional conversations. The thought of Mingyu will never stop overwhelming Wonwoo even after an entire lifetime.

“Fix it, Mingyu.” Wonwoo breathes out, eyes catching Mingyu’s.

Mingyu gives a curt nod, not taken aback. “I’ll fix this, Won.”

“Okay,” he gives a little nod back.

“I’ll tell you everything I didn’t say, and do everything I didn’t do,” he says, voice wobbly but firm, holding certainty.

Wonwoo nods again. Jun would reprimand him for moving too fast, probably seething in anger if he finds out what Wonwoo is doing, holding him down for a talk in fury, and maybe threaten to murder Mingyu, while Minghao tries to hold him back from causing a chaos.

But anything for Mingyu. Everything was always worth it for him.

“And then we’ll be okay, right?” Mingyu whispers, a childlike uncertainty hidden in his voice.

“Yeah. We’ll figure everything out and be okay,” Wonwoo gifts him a smile. It’ll be a new beginning.