Some days when he felt it was too much, wonshik wished he was never brought to this world.

The pain and loss and dullness, the blurry mornings and empty nights, it all made him wonder why did he even bother to fall in love at all? What made him spell out the passionate words once, happily, yet made him recoil now as the bitterness filled his aching heart? He questioned fate furiously yet no answers to mend his life to the way it was before.

“Ten minutes” That guy who stood beside the curtain mouthed to him, nodding urgently as if making up for the lack of wonshik’s response. He shouldn’t be worried honestly for he has mastered the highest level of auto piloting greatly these days, he could sing without putting his mind into it too if he wanted. It was as familiar as breathing.

He uncurled his tightened fingers from the mic, took a deep breath to clear his mind only to inhale the scent of watermelon and mint. Startled, he took a notice how he forgot the collar of his shirt covering his nose from when he buried it deep in earlier. The smell of the perfume he wore was warm and sweet, just as he remembered, just like him , wonshik thought.

Just like his smile.

eyes.

voice.

touc-

“Ravi! You’re on” The same guy came back and ushered him fast toward the curtain, wonshik’s mind was blank from his earlier thoughts, his legs were moving without his permission and everything was like how he felt at this precise moment.

Lifeless.

Yet the cheers of the crowd got to him across the clothed barrier, it ignited the spark inside him enough to make him take the stairs two at a time and finally emerge to the screaming audience.

“The moment I make eye contact with our fans and see the happiness and joy? I think that’s the prettiest part of me being on stage” Taekwoon once told him, one day when they shared a late night cuddle in their joined bed, content only with each other’s presence. Wonshik had agreed to him at that time for he too, only saw the love and excitement in their eyes.

Their eyes were filled with tears tonight.

His eyes roamed the place, filled with thousands of his fans, with people who understood how he felt right now. The gaping ach grew inside his heart, and it only continued growing after he looked to his right, where the tall and handsome vocalist once used to stand next to him.

“My place is beside you forever, wonshik-ah”

Tremor ran through his body shaking his frame, the sting behind his eyes overcoming every sense he got. He chanted a silent prayer for whoever out there to make him stronger to make it through this day without breaking down. He called so hard, and he wasn’t even a prayer.

That too changed among other things in his life.

“Thank you..” He cleared his tightened throat and continued, his eyes still roaming around despite the blurriness.

“..For coming today, even though it is so cold tonight” He saw some shake their heads brushing off his concerns, they never change, wonshik thought with a small smile.

“It’s been a while since the last time I saw you guys so I’m really grateful you accepted my invitation today” He found out that he could breathe normally now, thankfully that made his voice sound steadier.

“Hyogie told me you guys always talk bad about me behind my back” He heard them laugh and shout ‘never’ and ‘we do’ and even one ‘hyogie initiates it’ making him shake his head fondly.

“Stop going along with that kid” That of course earned him a teasing ‘No’ right away.

No matter what age he reached, hyuk will always have them wrapped up around his finger, like he does with wonshik, sadly.

“Ok, I’ll ask him to show me next time” He replied defeatedly making them cheer loudly again.

All the teasing forgotten, his expression suddenly sobered, his hand played nervously with the him of his t-shirt.

“You remember what today is, right?” They nodded silently, every trace of playfulness wiped from their faces.

“Like this day, 7 years ago… LR debuted” His hand gripped the mic tightly, his heart raced with different emotions that he wondered how he didn’t faint right now. So it took him a minute longer to keep going.

“6 long years that left an empty presence in our hearts. And 6 years since the death of our dear jung taekwoon” His voice cracked a little, but he didn’t pay it any attention as his eyes were glued to the shining trails of salt running down everyone’s face. He bite his lips so hard, his only thought was he wanted to bail out, leave everything and hide away. They’ll understand, he’s sure of that, but what grounded him was a promise he made with himself and to that best friend of his.

“Taekwoon hyung deserves it. You deserve this closure”  Hongbin has made it clear how he won’t let wonshik live it if he didn’t do this, if he didn’t talk his feelings out in front of the people both him and taekwoon cherished dearly.

The dimpled man stood out there in the middle of the crowd, like a sore thumb with his solemn expression and missing dimples, acting as a constant reminder of what he should do. And he was right. everyone needed this closure, not only him.

“I still remember the day we decided to make this subunit, taekwoon was working on this song and I naturally started to criticise him and help him with it. We ended up making few more songs together and that’s when the others noticed and proposed making this unit” He chuckled remembering these days. “We doubted it a lot and our concerns were, quite silly if you ask me now, like how will we do it, can we last without the other members or if the fans won’t feel satisfied with just the two of us” He kept on reciting his memory of these days almost as if they happened just yesterday, his voice filled with excitement in parts from his story and went down with resignation in others. And as he looked around him, he was reminded why he was here and why these people deserved to share this moment with him.

They felt the same.

They understood.

He wanted to say more, he begged his heart to last more to make sure they knew everything and remembered taekwoon as he saw him, still, sees him in his mind. He didn't want to leave anything unsaid.

He heard the echo of an old memory from when they first got together, when he asked taekwoon what was the biggest thing that attracted him to the rapper, Taekwoon took his time, as he always did, then answered with that honey voice of his:

“I like how you can say whatever you need to say whenever. No matter how difficult it was you’ll always make sure that people understood your mind”

Wonshik was new to dating back then and he wasn’t ready for the thunderbolt of love that struck him when the vocalist smiled wide and open without shying away like usual.

“I really like that about you”

Womshik wished he still had the ability to speak his mind. Or maybe it was a blessing in disguise since all what his mind can master now was a string of shouts, taekwoon, taekwoon, taekwoon and taekwoon.

“He did what he loved the most. He sang, played soccer, spent time with children family and us, he performed on stage, and he acted in musicals. And even though he let out his last breath on stage, I can’t say I wished him an end in any different place” His voice trembled as his eyes finally took pity on him and pushed the weight of tears out and down his cheeks.

“I tried my hardest to hold into fragments of him in my life and fooled myself that maybe by living in despair and ignoring the moving world around me I’d still find peace, but.. I didn’t” He almost heard the whine in his voice, he was sure taekwoon is laughing at his sappiness from above.

But he couldn’t help it. He was so deep in this isolated world that he saw no reason to hold back his sanity from leaving.

It’s been 6 years, for God’s sake.

6 years of keeping his hair black because the older liked it that way, wearing taekwoon’s favorite perfume, walking the same road and street, visiting that orphanage he used to go to and many other favorite spots.

It’s been 6 years of unfulfilled promises which wonshik shared with empty places. Those same years taekwoon promised to spend them with him.

He bowed his head watching tears drop on the shiny floor, his blood rushing into his ears blocking the sobs and murmurs from the crowd.

“T-thank you again for being.. here for us. He would be happy to k-now you still support us e-even now” He raised a shaking hand and wiped his tears only to have them replaced with fresh ones.

God, please make him proud of me.

"Even though I stopped working and living my life, and went through hard times you were still here for me, waiting and cheering me on. I stopped giving back but you never did, you were what kept me sane till now”

Hakyeon hyung, jaehwan hyung, hyogie and hongbin. Even though life pulled us apart I know.

“I’ll never reward you as much as you deserve” I know, wonshik thought, he knew he got them.

“You’re always here for us, and even when we’re apart you still think of us. I’m very thankful for that” Taekwoon has always said that, as if he fueled his soul with these words every time he repeated them.

Wonshik felt that spark stir inside him.

“I’ll keep working hard because of you, for me and for taekwoon” He bowed lower and that when his ears suddenly cleared up and the sound of applause filled the arena.

Even though his heart was blinded by pain, it’ll always follow that familiar light. Just like he knew taekwoon would want him to.

“This moment is in the memory of a great friend, talented idol, and amazing boyfriend jung taekwoon” He smiled for the last time as he looked up, reaching with his emotions toward his love..

“We love you”

~~~

The first thing he checked as soon as he stood in the middle of the dressing room was his phone, he got so many messages from jaehwan, 12 calls from hakyeon and he didn’t want to see the number beside hyogie’s kkt notifications.

His mind was blank once again.

It was like whatever got him talking on stage has abandoned him, leaving him to the hollow thoughts.

What can he do to bring it back permanently?

“Do you need a hug?”

He turned to face his best friend, whose face mirrored wonshik’s for sure. He let out a dry chuckle, the act was obviously forced and that what made hongbin reach out to take him in one of his warm embraces. The latter felt his limbs move to wrap his arms around the other’s slender waist, inhaling his familiar comforting scent. He lost counts of how many times he ended up in hongbin’s arms, broken and never getting what he wished for.

“You did good. Hyung will be proud of you” Hongbin’s deep voice whispered near his ear, his mouth buried in his hair in a long reassuring kiss. Wonshik whimpered burying his face more in his chest, hongbin’s ‘hyung’ was echoing in his mind forcing another memory to reenact behind his closed eyelids.

"When are you going to stop calling me hyung?" Wonshik blinked his eyes slowly at taekwoon's stoic face, though his reddened cheeks gave him away immediately.

"What? but hyung you're older" He didn't understand where did that come from and the older let out a huff of annoyance, pouting as he played with wonshik's fingers, which were drumming against his bare torso.

"What makes you different from the others then?" It took him a while to comprehend what the older was trying to say, and as soon as it registered, his lips twitched slightly.

His heart pounded heavily inside his rib cage.

"Are you saying you want everyone to know that I'm special?" His teasing tone wasn’t missed.

"Don't laugh" The whine made his laugh spring out and his lips smile big, his arms squeezed the vocalist's body relishing on the way taekwoon pressed into him more.

"I'm not laughing because of that, hyung. It's just so cute" He nuzzled his cheek fondly and added:

"Can I really call you by your name?"

"I just asked you to" A wide happy grin made taekwoon soften his glare and reach out to caress his cheek affectionately.

"Ok, taekwoon"

Wonshik broke down, nearly falling on his knees if it wasn't for the tight grip hongbin held him with. His whole world felt like crashing down on him once more, and his mind was screaming with terror as if realising just now what he has lost.

"It-t..will be f-ine" Hongbin sounded as wretched as him or maybe more, wonshik allowed himself to bury his face in his chest comforted with this tiny promise.

"You're going to be ok" Wonshik doubted he'd ever be, but oh how he wishes so badly for it to become true.