Donghae’s POV

August 15, 20**

Every day, I feel scared.

Every day, is a brand new day where I need to feel afraid if I can still see the next day.

Every day, is a nightmare.

Every day...every day.

"Mr. Lee, you’re next." It is dreadful enough to sit still on this cold stool, but the moment I heard the nurse voice, I know whatever the doctor will tell me, it will emotionally kill me.

I was praying a while ago, but my prayers were not answered anymore. Did the Lord hate me now? I’ve been a good human being for the past 19 years, so why now?

“He is only 10 years old doctor, how can you say that he won’t be able to reach the age of 20?” Mama is crying. I don’t know why she’s crying. Dada is holding Mama’s hand. What is happening?

“I will explain again Mr. and Mrs. Lee, your son has a heart condition called Cardiomegaly or Enlarged heart. His heart is not pumping blood effectively, which can bring him a congestive heart failure. It may improve over time, but most cases of enlarged heart need a life-long treatment with medication. Of course since your son is still young, his heart still pump blood normally, but as he grows older, the heart’s pumping ability decline. We don’t discourage you Mr. and Mrs. Lee, but we want both of you to be aware that your son has limited time. We can prolong his life by means of medication, but we don’t know when or where his heart will start to decline.” The doctor told Mama and Papa. I don’t understand anything.

Mama is crying hard. Dada started to cry too. The doctor keeps on writing something on his notebook. I am just sitting on the other side of the room, playing with blocks.

What is happening? I don’t know anything.

“From now on, you will be home schooled baby.” I am 12 years old when Mama decided that going to school tires me. “Of course, Kyu, Heenim, and Wookie can visit you here in our house anytime. Tell them that I will bake cookies for them.” Mama said, encouraging me to embrace the life of being home schooled, by using my friends.

I nod, “I understand Mama. I can’t participate in our P.E class, so it’s okay to just stay at home.” I answered. I expect this anyway. When Mama and Dada explained to me my situation, I embraced my faith already, I know that one day, I will die.

August 15, 20**

“It seems like your results are normal, Donghae. Are you taking up your medicines on time?” My doctor, Kyu’s father, Mr. Cho told me.

I smiled dryly at him, “Yeah, Mr. Cho. Kyu is a very effective alarm clock.” I joked dryly as well. I can’t even throw a proper joke without over stressing myself. I can’t be overjoy, I can’t be tired, I can’t be sad, I can’t be angry, I can’t express myself or it might cause me a cardiac arrest.

Mr. Cho smiled back at me, “Well I am glad to hear that. You will turn 20 next next month, right?” the dreadful number. I nod, “Well, I won’t hold you for so long Donghae. Kyuhyun told me that you will accompany him today, but remember, don’t let yourself get tired.” And that’s the end of my monthly check-up.

When I was 10 years old, Mr. Cho told my parents that I can only last until I turned 20. It’s either my heart will decline pumping blood, or I will have a cardiac arrest. Sounds nasty. That is the reason why every time I sleep, I keep on sending good bye messages to everyone, in case that I won’t wake up anymore the next day.

All in my mind right now is….I only have 2 months to live.

August 15, 20**

UNIVERSITY

“So, how was your monthly check-up?” Kyu asked me. We are in his university today. He asked me if I can accompany him. He is taking up conservatory of music and it’s his college week. They will be having lots of plays, musicals, and other stuff. At first, my Mama and Dada declined the idea.

They were afraid that watching plays and musicals will trigger my emotions, but my friends pursued them. HeenimHyung and Wookie are already inside the hall, and Kyu of course waited for me in their main gate. “Same same Kyu.” I answered dryly. I am not really exerting effort to answer everyone’s question. I learned how to conceal my emotions well.

Kyu shrug his shoulder, “Well, remember to drink your medicine at 12 noon Hae. We don’t want you to get sick.” He always put up a strong personality in front of me. What a shame, I know my friends so well. Kyu cried a lot when I had my first heart attack, way back when we were 11. He maybe bratty, but he values me so much.

We walked in silence until we reach our friends. Heenim Hyung is still loud as usual, together with Wookie. Kyu bid his goodbye’s because he is part of the musical. “Eh, Hae stop frowning. That’s not cute at all.” Wookie commented. They hate it, my normal resting face. It’s not as if I like it.

But I smile for them, “Anyway, have you seen the bunny?” Heenim Hyung turn his head from left to right. I quickly shook my head, “No Hyung, I haven’t.” I answered him. “Do you think he will support Kyu?” Wookied asked. Heenim Hyung didn’t stop but still look around, “He needs to. He lost the bet. Kyu said that he will definitely have the lead role and Minnie said if that thing happens, he will watch Kyu diligently.” I heard of this.

Kyu likes this guy from Business College. To be more precise, Kyu is head over heels. So the guy, Lee Sungmin or Minnie love the novel called Seventh Night. Kyu’s college happened to use that book for their musical this year. Since Kyu fall deeply to Minnie, he made a bet that if he gets the part of Sebastian (the main lead from the novel) Minnie will watch the show and cheer for him. Minnie underestimated my friend and agree to it. Little did he know, Kyu is the pride and joy of his college. So without putting much effort to it, Kyu landed the role of Sebastian.

“Look, there he is!” I was a little bit shocked by Wookie’s shout which cause my heart to beat a little bit faster than usual. They both look at me, “Are you crazy Kim Ryeowook? Don’t shout like that. You almost cause our Hae’s life.” Heenim Hyung was a bit furious. I gesture to both of them that I am okay, “I am not that shocked, don’t worry.” I smiled at them to assure that I am okay.

I didn’t pay much attention to them anymore and shifted all of my attention to the stage in front. The room dimmed after a few minutes and a soft music opens up the musical. Wookie and Heenim Hyung hold my hand side by side. I can’t be so excited about this play, or else my heart will betray me.

The show is very colorful. A lot of people are dancing and everyone is enjoying whatever they are doing right now. I tried so hard to conceal my feelings right now. I can’t even shout when Kyu suddenly made that jaw dropping high notes at the introduction of his character. “Uhm—hi?” the girl who pretends to be her brother said her name is Viola.

I know the story, I read a lot of books in our house. The next scene will be the introduction of Duke, the love interest of Viola. In the musical, he is back facing everyone. He is busy fixing something non-existing because we all know that this is part of the script. There’s something about the way he stand that makes you want to look at him. He is not even doing a thing, but I really want him to turn around—and so he did, “You are?” his voice suddenly echo.

I am mesmerized by it. His face looks so sharp because of his exquisite jaw line, but his almond shaped eyes are so expressive. His voice sounds so manly, but gentle at the same time. I can’t look away, “Vio—I mean Sebastian” Viola said, but all I want right now is to hear the other actor’s voice, “I see.” And without giving me a warning, I feel a sharp pain on my chest.

August 15, 20**