The beating of his heart, that’s the only thing Chanwoo could hear right now as he stared at his front door without moving, shifting nervously from time to time, taking out his keys and then putting it on his pocket again. He thought about going to sleep over at any of his friend’s house, he even thought about taking a night shift so he could see Yunhyeong being his pretty self, but that would only make his parents angrier, so he unlocked the door and stepped in, smelling the cigarettes and alcohol coming from the living room.

‘It’s gonna be okay… Just don’t get angry and they won’t either… Yeah, easy peasy.'

The closer he was, the faster his heart went and his throat tightened and his hands started to sweat, he just wanted to end this as fast as he could.

“Oh, there you are.” That voice made Chanwoo tremble, it was his father’s pissed off tone.

“Isn’t it a little early for you to be home?” It was now his mother, looking at him with her big inquiring eyes and a cigarette in her hand, whiskey in the other.

“I just… didn’t have anything else to do?"

“Ha, please, you always find something else to do."

“Come sit.”

“I rather not…"

“I said come sit.” She said with a low and scary demanding voice.

‘Come on, Chanwoo, you can do this, just do as they say.’ He sighed and walked towards the big couch looking at his parents that were sitting on the opposite one.

“Aren’t you going to ask us about our trip, dear?"

“How was it?” This was a routine he was used to, being forced to pretend to care, just listen to them talk about their ty employees and how they are paying them too much, about how much of a up Chanwoo is, about how fat he looks, about how weird he dresses and at some point, they start to get angry, they are drunk and all of their anger is taken on their son. And of course Chanwoo doesn’t stay silent, he fights back and yells and kicks and cries, but that’s just as much as he can do.

So now he’s pressed against the floor with a big hand around his throat and angry eyes looking at him, he wasn’t even sure that was a person anymore, it was such an ugly face reflecting the ugly thoughts on his head.

“How do you talk like that to your father!” And now the back of the free hand hit Chanwoo’s face with intensity, he felt his eyes tear up at the pain and anger.

“Get off! Get off! Get off!” Another hard slap was heard through out the whole first floor followed by the teen’s panicky whine. His father stood up slowly, lifting Chanwoo’s face a little then hitting it against the floor, not hard enough to cause any major damage, they went through this problem before. The man was now standing looking down as his son, eyes clouded with alcohol and anger for only the universe knows what, raising one of his legs and then pushing it down with incredible strength onto the minor’s chest, once, twice, it happens so many times he lost count, he feels like the air won’t reach, he feels like dying would be better than this, he feels so incredibly hopeless. The man stops his movements for a second, only his loud breathing and Chanwoo’s whines and coughs were heard, he thought it has finished, that his father got tired but that’s when he felt and even stronger stomp right in his stomach, making both his arms and legs raise a little and end up in fetal position with tears in his eyes and the feeling of wanting to puke, all of the snacks he ate that day would be gone in no time. But contrary to that, it was his father who turned around, kneeling on the ground and started throwing up. The painful sounds he let out made Chanwoo happy.

“What?” He somehow found strength to talk, lifting his head slightly to see his father still puking. His painful moans, the noticeable vein in his forehead and the red of his face accompanied with tears and groans and the reek of alcohol with stomach acids filling the house, it was a sight Chanwoo loved seeing, his father's suffering. “Are you getting an intoxication again? I ing hope so!"

His mind was slipping away, the words just escaped his mouth without control as he started to get angrier and angrier, feeling his heart beating fast because of the adrenaline and anger boiling inside of him, he wanted to laugh and cry and die all at the same time.

“Puke! Puke until you ing die! Throw up all your insides and die die die die die!” Being so distracted with his father’s actions Chanwoo didn’t see his mother walking towards him, she bent down a little and grabbed the teen by his piercing and lifted him, the younger in a panic felt his strength come back and stood up immediately following his mother’s movements, the pain in his nose was so much he thought the piercing was starting to rip.

“Shut up.”

If there was something scarier than a loud scream, it was his mother’s calm voice. “Shut up this instant, you will go up to your room and stay there, hear me?"

“No-“ His mother’s hand was covering his mouth and the next second there was a cigarette being pressed against the back of Chanwoo's left hand, his scream was muffled but his tears came out anyways. “To your room. Now!” And there was no other choice but to comply.

Chanwoo was barely able to stand up, dragging his feet and feeling his world spinning around but he had to get out of there, he wanted to be as far as possible from his parents. Time was a confusing thing, every second Chanwoo was conscious was a torture, feeling pain with every movement, but at the same time he didn’t even realize when he was holding himself from the railings of the stairs going up as fast as he could, then it was another stair to reach his room, it felt like ages. As soon as he was inside he locked the door and pushed a sofa in front of it just in case, then he just collapsed on the floor, feeling a horrible pain as soon as he met the floor but he was happy this would probably be the last he felt for today.

It took him a while of crying and hitting the floor with his fist, but he managed to fall asleep.

--

And like any other day, it was the alarm that woke him up, that generic sound has never made him more pissed off in his whole life. It was another wonderful day of work.

He only managed to move his arm one single centimeter and he was in pain.

‘They didn’t even hit me that much, what the .'

But he had to get up, he had things to do and things to say to Jinhwan hyung and he couldn’t just stay here wallowing in self pity -well, he could and he would love to- and going out would be a good distraction. To not think about last night.

So he stood up slowly, stretching his sore muscles a little and walking with great difficulty, but not as much as he thought.

That’s also one of the worst things about this, sometimes Chanwoo thinks to himself that he would like to get ed up completely, he wants to end up bloody and bruised in the worst ways, he wants to not be able to even breathe without feeling a horrible pain through his body, he wants his parents to freak out and take him in their arms and shout and yell and panic and try to think of what to do and if they should call an ambulance or even better, think about how to dispose of the body. He wants to see fear in their eyes and tears of anxiety and their trembling hands thinking: ‘we ed up.’

But that never happens.

They’re not the owners of Korea’s most important hotel if they were stupid. They knew when to stop and how to do it, never hit in the face, never on arms or legs. They also knew where it hurt the most.

But Chanwoo has hope sometimes, and last night was one of the reasons. His father got out of control for a second, he could sense it, he could see it in the man’s eyes how anger was stronger than sense. So maybe some day his dream will come true.

Other things were more important now, though, like what he was wearing today.

He stepped in his walk in closet and started looking for something. He was obviously not in the mood to wear something cute, he wanted something cold, something that reflected his mood but at the same time he wanted to feel like he looked nice, maybe that would cheer him up. So he went for a long flannel shirt, these always made him feel grungy, he then put on some black skinny jeans and black combat boots to match. Before leaving the closet he took his compton hat, a personal favorite, Chanwoo wanted to be buried with his hat on, he’s not exaggerating.

This time he walked to the bathroom, he didn’t really wanna see himself in the mirror but he had to check before leaving the house.

He saw himself and grimaced, his eyes were puffy from all the crying and he had huge eye bags. Starting with buttonning his shirt up he stared at the bruises on his chest, they were pretty bad, there were multiple purple marks all over his skin, forming a defigurated big one. Then he looked at his stomach for brief seconds, that one had hurt like hell, he’s surprised he didn’t puke blood or something. He finished buttoning and started washing his face, then his teeth and brushed his hair. Next it was his nose, gosh it hurt so ing much last night but now it seems fine, it’s not ripped at all and just a little red and swollen. He picked up the etanol and dipped a Q-tip in it, running it slowly around the hole to avoid it getting infected. He was done with that, so he sighed and ran his hand through his hair and that’s when he remembered the wound on it, an almost perfect circle right in the middle of the back of his hand, this one was a pretty obvious wound and he couldn’t just let it there, he needed to hide it. He started looking around the bathroom for some band aids, he smiled when he found them, seeing how it was the one with cute designs in it.

‘One of my friends must have left this here for me.’

He chose one with a moon and stars and left the bathroom with his mood a little better, putting it carefully on his burn and then walking straight to his door, pushing the sofa and grabbing his backpack that was placed on top of it, he stepped out of the house.

The second and first floor were a mess, everything smelled like vomit and there were stains of it all over the floor. The smell was so bad Chanwoo jogged towards the entrance and left the house.

The ‘morning after’ was always calm, both his parents were often tired and hungover so he had nothing to fear but that didn’t make him feel any better.

Sometimes he’s scared, but not that much of his parents, that is a thing he can’t really change by now, but he’s scared of how he is changing, with every beat up he feels himself getting angrier and stupider and he just yells whatever comes to his mind and the morning after everything he said comes to him. How his voice changes its pitch when yelling and crying, how he smiled seeing his father puking and the words that left his mouth. He was not denying the things he said or regretting them, but it hurt how broken he was, how ed up his state of mind was becoming.

He was losing himself.

It was already around 6 am and he was seriously considering walking to the store instead of taking the bus, of course his body was sore and he was still in pain, but to be completely honest thinking about what to tell Jinhwan hyung made him feel even worse.

So he just started walking.

Does anyone remember that compton hat chanwoo used to wear?? i miss it it reminds me of when he was still a fetus (i've been staning him since forever i remember all of his old clothes lmao)

Anyway, thanks for reading hope you all have a nice day unlike chanwoo on this chapter lol