When she first saw the younger girl, she knew that there's more than what meets the eye. Although tiny in stature, her dance moves were energetic and explosive and free. Despite being younger than herself, she was her senior in the company. She always saw her practicing her dance moves and her singing skills. When she first heard her sing, she was blown away by her sweet voice and she hit the notes perfectly each time. For a whole month, she observed her during practice and noticed that she barely speak to others but her best friend from hometown. Apparently the both of them auditioned and got into the company together. She wouldn't admit it out loud but she's envious of their friendship.

 

She has always been an introvert who has difficulty initiating a conversation with a stranger. She was better now but when she was in elementary school, she had been playing solo for two months before she befriended another classmate who was also very shy. They stick to each other for the rest of the year and slowly they help each other to build enough courage to start speaking up.

 

I wish Minji is here.

 

"Trainee Moon Byulyi! You're up next!"

 

She's never fond of monthly assessments but it won't stop her from continuing to work towards her dream. She's been interested in the entertainment industry as evident by the stack of CD albums in her wardrobe and the posters that decorated her walls. She attended an academy to see what it feels like but she knew no one would see her amidst the talented and outgoing personalities. So, she moved away from her hometown and auditioned in Seoul. She has been disappointed more than she could count but here she thought that she finally struck gold. She was told that this assessment would be the last before the lineup for the debuting group and if she did well, she'll be in.

 

"These are the names that failed to make the cut: Ahn Hyejin, Moon Byulyi and Jung Whee In. I'll see you guys at the next assessment."

 

Upon hearing it, her entire world crashed. Her brain demanded that she asked the reason why she failed but she wasn't sure if her heart can take the criticism. She kept her head low, packed her stuff and went out the door. She shouldn't have any expectations in the first place because the pain was unbearable. Usually, she would go back to practice room and practically locked herself in, spending all night going over her dance moves but for this particular day, she just can't stand to stay at the practice room and wonder when she'll ever debut. She knew that she signed up for this harsh side of entertainment world when she became a trainee but she has her limits. So, instead she went to Han river.

 

It was cold, slightly raining and quite late so there weren't too many people there. She was wearing her favorite hoodie, hoping that it'd work as a lucky charm but that didn't work out so well did it? She put on the hood and stared at the dark water beneath the bridge.

 

Remember your loved ones. There's so much more to this life.

 

Those were warnings against going over the railing as hundreds or thousands of people did each year. Countless time, she would head over to the bridge and read the writings over and over, trying to believe that it's worth fighting for. That her hard work and effort won't be wasted. Sometimes she would cry, other times shouted her heart out and more often than not, she stayed quiet as she try to silence her overactive mind. When your future is uncertain, it's easy to get lost, topple over and become numb of everything else. She sat with her back against the railings and closed her eyes.

 

"Would you like to join us?"

 

She recognized that voice but she couldn't believe her ears so she opened her eyes and looked up. She saw the other two trainees who failed alongside with her holding a grocery bag each and the one who called out extended her free hand. Without thinking, she took her hand and now the three of them were sitting in the middle of the park with a can of beer in their hands.

 

"You're Moon Byulyi- unnie right?"

 

"Um.. Yes."

 

"I'm Wheein and she's Hyejin. This is weird. We've seen each other for months already but we're only introducing ourselves now," Wheein said as she took a sip of her beer.

 

"Yes it is."

 

"Why are you speaking formally? Speak comfortably Byulyi-unnie!"

 

"Ah, sorry. I mean, both of you are my seniors."

 

"We don't care about that. Really, just address us comfortably. It sounds so awkward," Hyejin interjected as she opened another can of beer.

 

"She's right. We're on the same boat so why bother?"

 

Byulyi was taken aback at their casualness. She wasn't used to conversing with people other than her close friends so the two of them acting so friendly was something she couldn't comprehend. Besides, they never spoke with each other before so what prompted them to invite her to hang out.

 

"Why?"

 

"What was that?"

 

"Why bring me with you?"

 

"What do you mean 'why'? It's only natural don't you think? We're from the same company, we failed together and by the looks of it, you can drink. That's enough isn't it?"

 

"Hyejin is always so forward. I'm sorry if you feel like we're invading your space."

 

"No, no. It's not that. I'm glad you invited me. I've always felt that the two of you are unapproachable at the company," Byulyi confessed.

 

"Is that why you never come in to practice room whenever I'm around?"

 

"H-How did you know that?"

 

"Heh, I caught you listening in during her vocal training awhile back but since she said she didn't mind, I don’t confront you about it."

 

Byulyi was grateful that it was dark or else they might see her cheeks reddened. She was so sure that no one would know of her sneaking a listen during Wheein's practice but she was proved wrong.

 

"Byulyi-unnie! How come you're snooping but never introduced yourself?"

 

"Uh.. I don't know how to."

 

"Well, better late than never. It's very nice to meet you, Byulyi-unnie."

 

"It's nice meeting the two of you too."

 

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

 

It turned out that Wheein and Hwasa planned to quit the company if they didn't get into the debuting team. A week after evaluation, they told the CEO that they're quitting and it was quite a sight to see the CEO hesitating to let them go.

 

"I'm forming another group and the two of you may join. You just need to maintain your current weight and you'll debut within 6 months!"

 

"Cut the crap. We're leaving whether you like it or not. You never go through with your promises and we're just rotting here for nothing!"

 

Hyejin took Wheein's hand in hers and they marched out of the office proudly. Byulyi only heard of it from the whispers of other trainees and even though they just started being friends, she felt betrayed. Mostly, she felt sad that she'll probably never meet the duo again. She realized that she actually liked the both of them for staying true to themselves regardless of what their CEO told them: lose weight, stay prim, don't do this or that and so on. She also envied their courage to leave the company for their own good. Byulyi hasn't got the guts to try and leave because this company might just be her last shot at becoming a singer.

 

Since their departure from the company, Byulyi focused on herself and practiced non-stop and with each evaluation, her scores were amongst the top 20. The company was impressed by her improvement and thus began the journey of empty promises.

 

"Well done. Your choreography was on point and your pronunciation was clearer. Only one thing… you're 0.5kg above the weight limit. If you would keep within the limit, we'll be debuting you."

 

Again with this.

 

"I'll do my best! Thank you for today."

 

She bowed and returned to her personal practice room. Apparently, private rooms will be given to trainees with higher monthly evaluation so they could concentrate better but they unknowingly traded their free time for it. CCTVs were set up so their practice could be monitored so if they didn’t reach a certain time quota of practice, they would need to stay until they did. It was like a personal hellhole for her but she endured. She endured as much as she could and it was as if she was drowning but she didn't make any effort on making it to the surface. She's already lost sight of what she really want and quitting seemed like an easy way out except that she feel indebted to her parents who supported her through it all. She couldn't confide in them because she knew that they would feel sorry even though it's not their fault that she decided to ever start the harsh journey.

 

There was an exception to the rule that required trainees with personal room to practice from 6am to 11pm and that was during the monthly assessment. They only needed to attend the assessment and took the rest of the day off. Unlike others who rejoiced over this, Byulyi wasn't so happy about it. Partly because she was used to the busy schedule but mainly because it gave her mind too much time to think. She headed straight to her apartment and sit in the dark, having a self-pity party. It would also involve indulging in cans of beer, regretting it when she threw up her stomach's contents an hour later. She hasn't been eating well the past few weeks because of the pressure from the company and the stress of having to prove herself worthy to be the next one to debut makes her nauseous. She only survived on water and an apple a day but even with that, she couldn't go under the weight limit.

 

How outrageous. Will I ever amount to anything more than a trainee when all they see is the number on the scale?

 

She knew that once the train of thoughts started, she could barely pull herself together so she wiped clean, dumped the cans of beer into the trashcan and walked out of her apartment. She was headed for the river as usual even though she steered clear from it ever since Wheein and Hyejin left. She took a longer route, enjoying the night breeze and despite only wearing a jacket, she was unbothered by the cold. Maybe it was because she had been off the heater for a month now since she couldn't afford to pay for it. She used to juggle between part-time jobs and training at the company but she quit to focus on debuting but it took its toll on her income. She was promised a debut a couple of times and yet she was still stuck as a trainee no matter how much time has passed.

 

"Is that you Byulyi-unnie?"

 

I must be imagining things.

 

"It is you!"

 

She stopped walking and raised her head. It felt like a déjà vu but she was certain that the girl in front of her was the girl with a beautiful voice and had dimple when she smiled; Jung Wheein.

 

"Why are you here?"

 

She couldn't help the venom that laced her words but regretted it when the younger girl flinched at the cold tone. She remained silent, unsure what to make of Byulyi's question but she knew that the older girl was right to be angry. Byulyi sighed as she ran her fingers along her hair, frustrated at the lack of response. She couldn't believe that the girl who confidently showed off her moves at monthly evaluation was now looking timid and small.

 

"Byulyi-unnie, can we talk?"

 

"Aren't we talking now?"

 

"Privately. Let's head to the park? Or anywhere quiet?"

 

Byulyi didn’t answer her but instead walked past her to a more secluded area. Wheein followed her without a word and soon enough, they were back to the place where they first formally introduced each other. Neither of them moved to sit on the bench so they just stood awkwardly with quite a distance between them.

 

"Byulyi-unnie. Can I still call you that?"

 

"No one's stopping you."

 

"I know we're wrong not to tell you of our plan. Trust me, I did enjoy hanging out with you at that time. We did. It was my fault so please don't blame Hyejin-ie."

 

"We hang out just one time. You’re not obliged to tell me everything. I'm just a stranger," Byulyi replied, feeling stupid because what she said was true.

 

Fool. Then why were you so mad at them for 'leaving' you behind? There's no such thing as friends in this world.

 

Wheein hung her head down, her bangs covering her eyes and Byulyi saw her fist balled up. Her shoulders were shaking and at first Byulyi thought that she was mad but she was taken aback when a sob escaped her.

 

"How could you say that? We… I… Did the past three months mean nothing to you? Am I just another trainee you need to eliminate?"

 

"Don't you dare pull that card. I'm the one left behind. We could've stick together and start again from scratch but what? You took off."

 

"THAT IS BECAUSE…! Please Byulyi-unnie. I can't do this right now. I'm sorry but I have my reasons. I haven't been a very good person and I know it but please don't hate me. At the very least, don't hate on Hyejin."

 

How can I ever hate you?

 

Byulyi wasn't one to confront people and she wasn't used to clash emotions with others easily because of her personality. She wasn't even sure why she was enraged by the duo's departure despite only talking to them once. Maybe at some point, she allowed herself to lean against the trainees training alongside herself because they were on the same boat, practicing to the bone just to debut. Maybe it was mutual. What she couldn't understand was why she felt much strongly about the two best friends.

 

"Why me?"

 

"Why what?"

 

"That night. It's not just about drinking with a fellow failure. Why did you speak up to me?"

 

"Do you remember that Hyejin said she told me about you? Ever since, I find myself watching you. You're very good at what you do and I'm envious of you. I thought of coming over and introducing myself but I can't."

 

"Why not?"

 

"Despite myself, I can't do that. I'm awkward, even as a kid. Hyejin's my friend because she opened up to me first."

 

"But last time it was you who talked to me. How?"

 

"That's why I love Hyejin. She just knew how to bring out the best of me. When I saw you storm out, I had a bad feeling so I followed you. I'm sorry but I was just worried and you sitting at that bridge, I couldn't help thinking the worse. Hyejin pushed me to talking to you. I'm glad she did," Wheein hid her face with her hand, sighing as she let her emotions and thoughts pour out.

 

"So both of us are fools."

 

They stood in silence, not looking at each other, as the night grew darker and chilly. Byulyi wasn't ready for the weather but she wasn't planning on staying out for long anyways until she was confronted by the younger girl. The sudden confrontation really sapped away her energy and while she still pretended to be unbothered by the night breeze, she couldn't stop her teeth from chattering.

 

Wheein made a move towards her and surprisingly, she hugged her around the waist. Byulyi froze but then leaned on the warmth she gave off.

 

"Why'dyougoaroundwithoutacoat?"

 

"Hm? What did you say?"

 

"Let's stay like this for a few minutes."

 

Byulyi was hesitant but eventually she wrapped her arms around Wheein.

 

If you're like this then how am I supposed to stay mad at you?

 

"Unnie, would you like to come with me?"

 

"What?"

 

"Can you trust me?"

 

"What's this about?"

 

"Sharing our dreams; debuting together."

 

"Are you serious?"

 

"Yes. That's what I wanted to talk to you about."

 

"What about your company? I just can't appear out of nowhere and join you," Byulyi pulled apart from the embrace and looked Wheein in the eyes for the first time.

 

"You can. I only agreed to sign the contract if they also take you in."

 

"So they got their hands tied is it? They don't even want me," disappointment clouded over her eyes and she pushed Wheein away.

 

"Wheein-ah!"

 

Great. You just shoved her in front of her best friend.

 

Before she could run away, Hyejin grabbed her wrist in a rage.

 

"DON'T YOU DARE BYULYI-UNNIE! SHE DID A LOT SO SHE COULD DEBUT WITH YOU AND THIS IS THE THANKS SHE GOT?!"

 

"I DIDN'T ASK HER TO DO THAT FOR ME. WHY'D SHE EVEN BOTHER WITH ME?"

 

If seeing her best friend got pushed made her mad, hearing that made her furious like a lioness whose cub was harassed. Byulyi could feel her fury from the way Hyejin tightened her grip, the way her eyebrows furrowed and her breathing slowed. Wheein tried to reach for Hyejin, trying to reassure her that it was nothing but no one can stop Ahn Hyejin.

 

"Are you really that stupid? What? Why'd she bother? Don't joke with me. You don't fukin' deserve her but you'd dare treat her like this? She begged me not to bring up about leaving company because she didn't want to be responsible for destroying your damned dream. Now she invited you over to our company, your ungrateful decided to push her?"

 

"Stop it Hyejin-ah, I'm fine."

 

"Fine?! You’re not fine. She needs to get it through her head that she's such an !"

 

"Is… Is it true Wheein-ah? Did you do that for my sake?"

 

"Damn right, it's true. She even showed our CEO videos of you and convinced him to take you in. You're so blind that you only see yourself and stomped all over her efforts by accusing her of forcing our company to take you in!"

 

"Hyejin, just stop."

 

Seeing the tears in Wheein's eyes, Hyejin snapped out of her anger. She released her vice grip on Byulyi's wrist and took a step backwards, feeling a little guilty when she saw her handprint enclosing her wrist.

 

"I'm pretty messed up, am I? I'm no good."

 

"You're just guarded, Byulyi-unnie."

 

"Don't. If you're defending me too, I'll never learn. I'll become bitter. I'll truly lose sight of what's in front of me. Thank you for bringing me back to my senses Hyejin-ah."

 

Wheein had stopped crying and Hyejin was no longer seething but Byulyi still had a troubled expression on her face. She was feeling a lot of guilt for the two best friends, especially Wheein, and she was being an . She didn't deserve their kindness but they extended their hand to her and brought her close when she felt suffocated. Her view of the world was so distorted that she's mistaken kindness for pity and she lashed out. Perhaps she had it coming at her since the beginning and the scolding was way overdue because she felt light when Hyejin raised her voice, like the thick fog in front of her finally cleared out.

 

"I'm sorry, to both of you. I must be frustrating. I'm frustrated at myself too."

 

Seeing as how Hyejin had backed away, Wheein took the initiative to step forward and took Byulyi's hands in hers, "It's okay. I didn't mean for this to happen and it was my fault for hiding the fact that we're leaving. So don't beat up yourself too much."

 

Hyejin was reluctant but nodded.

 

"Will you ever forgive me Hyejin-ah?"

 

"For Wheein, I'll try. You'll need to put in some effort."

 

"About joining you guys?"

 

"I don't particularly mind, unless you're gonna hurt Wheein again," Hyejin responded, her tone darkened at the end.

 

"I swear with my life on the line, I'm never hurting Wheein again. Same goes for you," Byulyi looked her straight in the eyes to show her determination.

 

"Then, welcome to RBW," Hyejin followed her best friend's step and put her hand on Byulyi's and Wheein's.

 

 

 

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