If I was you
I would just love me
(Jung Seunghwan – If It Is You)
Ost Another Oh Haeyoung

--------------------------------------------------------------------

“Get out, we're here,” she said, waking me up from my sleep. 

My eyebrows turned into a straight line when I saw the familiar building. No, it was not mine. But I definitely know someone who lived inside the building. 

“You said you’d bring me home?” I asked, not looking away from the building right in front of me.

“I did,” she said, “ and you told me that she is your home.  Just,” she paused to let out a heavy breath, “... Just, don’t hurt yourself too much. Okay?”

I turned to my side and saw how tight she was clenching on the steering wheel.

“Thank you,” I muttered before I opened the door and step out of the car and she sped off without wasting even one second, leaving me alone under the lamp post.

The effects of the alcohol was slowly wiping off, but I know I’m nowhere near sober yet. It was proven when I can’t even walk 10 steps without stumbling on my own feet. How I ended up at her front door without any scratches is still a mystery to me. 

I glanced down on my wristwatch and noticed that it was already way past midnight and she’d definitely be sleeping by then. The image of her sleeping soundly while snoring softly and clinging onto her thick blanket put a smile onto my face. 

I know I shouldn’t. I knew she’d be super angry and she’ll throw tantrums and I’ll probably earn a few hard slaps on my body if I interrupt her sleep, yet I still went ahead and pressed by on her doorbell.

Once

Twice

Again

And again

Until the door finally creaked open revealing a somewhat annoyed squirtle. Her hair was going into a thousand different direction and there was even drool right at the corner of her lips, yet she’s still cute in my eyes.

“Urghh~ .. You smell like ... Like ...” she stuttered, scratching the crown of her head, probably looking for words to describe the way that I smelled.

“Like a whole truck of vodka poured over me?” she nodded, with a frown spotted on her face. She sighed before taking my hand into hers and lead me into her place.

“I’m so tired of telling you to stop getting drunk,” she said and turned her head a little to the side to give me a side-glance, “but you seriously need to stop,”

I only shrugged to that. 

“Sit here. I’ll bring you something to drink,” and she left me alone on her sofa as she went to her kitchen. I took the chance to glance around her place.

There were a few, no actually a number of our photos together. They were either hung over the wall or placed on top of a table or cabinet. What I’m sure of was that she had more of our photos on display instead of the one with her fiancé.

“Why did you drink this time around?”  she asked as she set my favourite black coffee onto the table and took a seat next to ne on the sofa.

I took a sip of the steaming black coffee before I placed it back onto the table and leaned my back over the backrest of the sofa, tilting my head upward to stare at the spinning ceiling fan. 

“They say you’ll be happy when fall in love,” I paused, letting the silence to engulf the both of us. And for a minute, only the sound of the fan spinning and the sound of us breathing could be heard.

 
“But why can’t I feel the same?” I looked down to her hands on her laps before I took one into my own and played with the ring around her finger. Another silence stretched before she break it with a cold hard truth, shattering not only the silence, but also my heart.

“Because you fell for the wrong one,” I looked up and our gaze locked, “because you fell for the one that you knew you shouldn’t,”

A lump formed in my throat and I felt so much like sobbing. But I held everything in and forced myself to swallow the lump.

“If falling for you is wrong, then tell me what is right? Tell me, because I don’t know any other kind of love except for the one that looks at you from behind,”

She furrowed her eyebrows, lips forming into a frown. She then intertwined our fingers together as her thumb drew circles at the back of my palm and her gaze still locked with mine.

“It is right for you to stop loving me and It is right for you to stop hurting yourself,”

I laughed at her answer. She just doesn’t get it, isn’t she?

“Yongsun-ah, if it was you...,” a pause, “how would it be?”

“Huh?” 

“If you breakdown as much as I do, will you know how much I want you?”

Suddenly I felt sober, as if I never consumed any alcohol at all. And it was then that I realized how much I hated being sober. The pain is more real and the cut is more deep when I’m sober.

“You’re still drunk. Just rest, I’ll bring a comforter over. Spend the night here and leave early tomorrow, Wheein is coming over,” she said, pulling her hand away from my hold.

“I love you,” I confessed as I stared at her back. She stopped in her track, yet she didn’t turn around to look at me otherwise she’d definitely see how I’m breaking and how I’m hurting.

“I know and I love you too,” she let a second passed before she continued, “just not in that way,” and she continued her track to her bedroom.

She came back a few minutes later with a thick comforter in her arms and also the pillow that I often used every time I spent the night at her place.

“Your toothbrush is in the top cabinet in the bathroom, same place,” she said as she dumped the thick comforter and the pillow at me. She then turned around and was about to leave when I spoke up.

“Can you grant me a wish?”

She then looked at me and asked, “if I grant yours, will you grant mine?”

I nodded.

“Tell me what your wish are and I’ll tell you mine,”

I closed my eyes and brace myself for rejections before I opened my eyes back and said, “will you go on twenty-one dates with me?”

“Fine, but... no one should know about this, especially not Wheein,” 

Her answer got me smiling and I nodded profusedly.

“Now... Tell me, what do you wish for?”

I swear I saw how her eyes turned cold, as if it was blanketed with a thick ice before she answered, "don’t attend my wedding. You don’t have to send any gift either, not even money,”

My breath hitched.

“Why?”

“I just don’t want to see you nor your trace on that day,” she said, successful breaking my heart for the nth times that night.

“Okay, I promise,” and what else could I do aside from agreeing. Her words had always been my command anyway.

“Good. Now, goodnight and remember to leave the first thing tomorrow. I don’t want Wheein to take it the wrong way when she come tomorrow and see you here,”

And she left, disappearing behind the door of her bedroom. Leaving me to toss and turn on her sofa, wishing for the night to went quicker or for the sleep to visit me sooner. Maybe, I really should not have come over.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello .. so sorry for the long hiatus .. it just life has been kinda harsh on me lately .. falling into and climbing out of depression alone, exams one after another and a few other keep me busy. 

Anyway, what do you think about this chapter ? Leave me a comment and dont forget to subscribe and upvote if you havent .. thanks