Jinki was the first person Jonghyun shared this place with. Outside the top floor window a few steps down on the fire escape, away from windows and watching stares, stars completely unobscured, cold from the metal steps they sat on. Jonghyun knew he would appreciate it.

“This is marvelous.” Were the first words out of his mouth when they sat down.

They passed a bottle of whiskey to keep warm, sharing mundane stories and laughing at inane jokes. Jonghyun swore he could’ve sat there forever.

A packet of smokes later and the smoke from their lungs turned to fog. Jonghyun kissed him, their breaths reeking of cigarettes and tasting sweet from the whiskey. He had never kissed such soft lips. Jinki responded to Jonghyun’s every move. Repeatedly going over the spots that made Jonghyun whine. Neither of them knew if it was the whiskey or just them but they burned a heat comparable to the sun.

Weeks later it became routine. Something unspoken between them. They would meet at the building in the fire exit, lips locking together, hands exploring under shirts and over pants on the steel steps. Nothing more.

Jonghyun was uncertain about the arrangement. He always did his best to not get attached but somehow Lee Jinki managed to make him tip over headfirst.

He believed in destiny. Whether fate meant they just made out in rooftop fire exits or not, this was part of a plan. A booty call didn’t include stars and hushed whispers of dreams they couldn’t attain.

Jinki however was more pragmatic. This was nothing. He told himself repeatedly. Jonghyun wanted to have fun. It had nothing to do with the flowers that blossomed in the pit of his stomach or the racing of his heart when he felt Jonghyun draw closer.

Sometimes Jonghyun would fall asleep when they talked and he would mumble nonsense about space. Jinki would count the stars until he finally awoke.

They spoke in whispers as if the moment would break if they spoke loud enough but sometimes Jinki had the urge to shout. When he told Jonghyun this he came back with pieces of paper and they wrote little bits of truth and let them fly in the wind. Littering, Jinki called it. But he couldn’t deny the weight lifted from his shoulders.

Jonghyun thought it was paradise. Kisses were pure and meant something. Jinki found it a sanctuary. No forced smiles or laughter. Both of them thought it was too good to be true.

And it was.

It started out as rumors, Lee Jinki dating some girl. Kissing him felt different that night. He tasted of cherry chapstick. Frost clung all around him and he took a sip of the whiskey until the fire returned.

The next night Jonghyun wasn’t there.

Jinki waited there alone. He couldn’t leave without seeing him. It had become habit. He had become home. It was everything about him especially his scent. The warm, musky arms of the smaller man exploring his body. Jinki didn’t know why he couldn’t have enough. Being with Jonghyun was like breathing for him. Natural. His lungs ached as he waited for him. He never came.

For days after Jinki would spend time sitting there outside, fog rushing out with his every breath. Hands toying with unlit cigarettes. Somehow waiting. Still waiting. One fortunate day Jonghyun showed up, rubbing his hands together in the cold. The smaller man paused when he saw the older man look up at him. He cleared his throat and sat two steps above him.

“I didn’t expect you’d be here.” Jonghyun said.

“Shouldn’t I be the one saying that?” Jinki countered, back still turned to him.

The silence filled the air as Jonghyun didn’t know what to say.

“You stopped coming.” Jinki’s voice almost sounded like a plea although he tried to say it in a declarative tone.

“I thought you had someone. I’m not one to solicit cheating.” Jonghyun said simply.

“It was one time with some drunk girl. Her breath reeked of vomit and she kept biting my lips.” Jinki said.

“Oh, I probably should have asked then.” Jonghyun lowered his head onto his hands.

All those missed opportunities. Nights he spent wishing he could go and be with Jinki. He wanted to kiss him so much. He wanted to say a million things but he didn’t know what to say. The fog of words unsaid surrounded them.

Jonghyun wanted to say how much he missed him. How much he regretted not spending time with him but the words seemed to catch in his throat.

“What happens now?” Jinki broke the silence.

Jinki walks the few steps down to lean against the railing and see the small alley beside the building.

“I think I loved you too much so I let you go.” Jonghyun manages to choke the words out.

Jinki looks up at Jonghyun, pure disbelief in his eyes. How could this man, this perfect man, love him. He thought of the songs they made, skin caressing skin, the pure voice of something that could be. His hums of satisfaction. The quiet moments when they somehow fit like two puzzle pieces. But Jinki didn’t believe in that. What a terrible thing to waste such a wonderful chance.

He ran, almost tripping over himself and kissed Jonghyun right on his beautiful lips and he felt the whole world lock into place around them. For once, the flowers that blossomed in Jinki’s stomach bloomed fully like Jonghyun brought spring. And Jonghyun didn’t simply dip his feet in the waves of Lee Jinki he swam in them and dove into the deepest depths. The fire burned between the two of them and this time they couldn’t blame it on the whiskey. It didn’t matter that they were still scared less. It didn’t matter that this could end. They knew they had each other and that’s all they held on to.