I’ve been with HeeChul for 3 years now. Being with him made my life complete. I could never ask for more. I’m always thankful to God for giving him to me. I remember the day when we first met. It was during Hankyung Hyung’s birthday party in China. He got me mesmerized by those big brown eyes of his, his beautiful features, plump lips, and the smile that melted my heart. He was mad at me first, for I thought that he’s a girl. I never had a thing for men, but Heechul is different. He can make my heart sway and my mind blow with everything he does. From that day on, I promised myself to never miss a chance of getting to know him. I even got Hankyung hyung’s help in persuading my love interest. He kept on ignoring me and keeps on making excuses whenever I ask him for a date. But I never gave up on him. And the day that I’ve finally been waiting for has arrived. The day when he accepted my love. I felt like I was the luckiest guy on earth. Who would’ve thought that a man like him could also love someone like me?

As the days passed, my love for him keeps growing strong and I could also see through his eyes how much he loves me. He had never done anything that would hurt me. He always takes care of me and makes sure that I’m always healthy. Whenever I don’t feel good, he’s always by my side and never leaves me alone. I’ve never been so happy in my life. He’s always the one making me feel special. And since today is our 3^rd year anniversary, I’m planning to surprise him and asked him to marry me. I feel like it’s about time for us to settle down. And I want to be with him when I grow old, until the day I’ll die.

Heechul went to work today and nobody’s home. So I went to his room to prepare the things I needed for tonight. The smile on my face never fades as I was imagining what’ll be his reaction after the surprise. I was about to leave his room, when I noticed a small book on his bedside table. It was his diary. I wonder what is written inside. I never want to barge into his private life. But I feel like I wanted to read it. A part of me is saying to just leave it there untouched since I almost known Heechul for a long time now. But a part of me says that there’s no wrong in reading his diary since maybe he kept it there for me to read something about us. So I decided to follow the latter. I sat on his bed and started to read his diary. I was hoping to read something about me. But the words that he had written in it took me by surprise.

February 9, 2008

It’s Hankyung’s birthday today! I can never be so excited! I’ve waited for this day to come. I got a huge crush on this guy since I first saw him walked in our cafeteria one rainy morning. Since that day, he keeps on going back there and even asked for my name. And thank goodness, my half brother, Jung Min, is one of his close friends. He had invited us to go to his birthday party. And even provided us a plane ticket going to his country. And that’s how I ended up here in China. I can never understand a thing these Chinese people are saying. I kept on looking for my brother, but he’s nowhere to be seen. At times like this, I needed his fluency in Chinese. Aish! I should’ve studied Chinese real hard! Good thing, Hannie came to my rescue. He was always at my side ready to help me, and never leaves me alone. Gosh! I can’t take my eyes off him. He sometimes holds my hand and smiles at me whenever he notices me blushing. And it’s such a good thing to have him at my side all the time. I’m so lucky! And when I have given to him my birthday present, he smiled at me like there’s no tomorrow and my heart just skipped a beat! He took my hand and gently kissed it. Oh my! He’s killing me! I love this man so much!

Hankyung hyung? What’s this all about? Why Heechul didn’t tell me something about my bestfriend and him? And why did hyung never refused when I asked for his help in persuading Heechul? I wish someone could answer these questions of mine. I continue on reading his diary hoping that I could read something about me, or us. But everything I’ve read was about Hankyung hyung. And I felt like something stabbed my heart when I read what he has written on the day that he accepted my love.

December 21, 2009

HanKyung, why did you have to leave me? I don’t know what happened why you suddenly ignored me and left without telling me. For the past two months, you’ve been telling me to go to Siwon. And I always ignore that and you suddenly become mad. I don’t know what’s with Siwon that you’re willing to give up on me just like that. You keep on telling me that you’re not good enough for me. But being with you is more than enough. I love you and I always will. No one can ever take your place in my heart. I’ve finally found the love that I’ve been waiting for in you. But I never thought that I will lose it today after you left. I’ve never cried like this in my entire life. I feel so lost without you. Hankyung, please come back. If being with Siwon will make you come back to me, then I’ll do it. I never want to hurt you nor Siwon. But if this is what you want, then I’ll do it. I love you so much Hankyung!

I kept on reading and can feel my body was trembling. He had written about his undying love for Hankyung, and how much he still misses him in every page that I have read. I want to tear this diary into pieces! How come I’ve never seen it in his eyes? His endless longing for my bestfriend? Why all of these years, all I can see was love from those beautiful eyes of his? Is that love for me or for Hankyung? Why did I feel like I was being betrayed by my lover and my bestfriend? How can they hide it from me? I can still recall Hankyung’s words before he left. He asked me to take care of Heechul if he’s gone. Why am I so dumb to realize all of those after being with Heechul for three years? My heart hurts like hell. It felt like it has been broken down into pieces. Every word begins to stick in my head, and then tears suddenly flow from my eyes. Everything now became clear to me. Heechul never loved me. The one that he has been waiting for was Hankyung, and not me. I can never replace him in Heechul’s heart. Hankyung left him for me and Heechul have to endure the pain of losing Hankyung for me to be happy. Am I being too selfish to never realize that the two people that I care most in my life have been hurting because of me?

I closed Heechul’s diary and started to wipe my tears away. I headed for the door and left. I don’t want to see Heechul now, nor do I want to call him. I needed to clear my mind. I ended up at the park, staring at the sky, when my phone suddenly rings. It’s Heechul. I don’t know what to say to him, so I just stared at my phone. A plan suddenly came to my mind. I started to dial someone’s number.

“Hello?”

When I heard that familiar voice, I wanted to cursed at him. I wanted to scream at him and blame him for everything. If he’s right here in front of me, I could’ve punched his face. But I know I could never do it. I’ve hurt both him and Heechul enough. I just needed to do what seems to be the right thing for the three of us.

“Siwon? Is that you?”

It took me a while before I could answer him. “H-hyung”. My tears are threatening to fall. I needed to tell him before my tears will start to betray me. “Siwon, are you okay? What’s wrong?” His voice is full of concern. I clenched my fist and gathered strength to talk to him.

“I’m s-sorry. But I don’t….” I have to lie to him. I need to. “I-I don’t l-love H-Heechul anymore.” I finally said it. My tears started to fall. “What?! What’s happening to you? I don’t believe in you, Choi Siwon! You were madly inlove with him and now, you’re telling me you don’t love him anymore?” I can feel his anger from the other line. “You have to believe me! I don’t love him anymore. And don’t you dare tell me to go back to him. Or you’ll regret it!” I shouted at him. I don’t want him to push me to Heechul again. For I will never let him go and I’ll make him forget Hankyung forever.

“Just give me one good reason, Siwon.” He seemed calm now.

“Enough!” I want to end this now. I can’t give him any reasons. I love Heechul so much that it hurts. “Please love him forever and never leave him again. Or I’ll kill you if I found out that you’ve hurt him again! I’ll take him away from you and you’ll never see him for as long as you live! Take care of him for me. Goodbye Hyung. And thank you for allowing me to be part of Heechul’s life.” Tears flow from my eyes uncontrollably as I said those words to him. I can still hear him saying something on the other line but I didn’t hear it as I ended the call and turned my phone off.

I was planning to surprise the man I love and I never thought that I’ll be the one who’s going to be surprised and ended crying my heart out in this once happy but now, cold and lonely park. I’ve been with him for three years and on this 3^rd year with him, I’ll be the one to say goodbye. I’ll never regret what I’ve done. I’ve been too selfish and became too blind in loving Heechul. I don’t want to become a burden for the two of them anymore. I want Heechul to be happy. And letting him go and be with Hankyung is the best thing I can do for him. I love you so much Heechul. You’ll forever be a part of me.

Goodbye, my Rella…..