We went jogging together almost every other day and each time I felt myself falling for him more and more. Every time I see him and every time he smiles at me, I feel butterflies in my stomach. At the same time, I felt scared to get closer to him. He saw me as nothing more than a friend while I am so in love with him. I was scared that I will get hurt in the end. I was afraid to lose him. He was the second person to make me feel so happy.

“What did your grandfather say about me?” I asked him one day.

“He said that you are an old soul,” he replied. “I expected you to look more like a librarian.”

“Do I look like a librarian to you right now?” I asked as I moved closer to his face so he could see me more closely.

He looked at me for a few seconds and said, “No, you look better than I expected.” Upon hearing that my heart skipped a bit. “You know what I told him when he talked about you?

“What?”

“I told him that I will marry you,” he laughed. Suddenly all the emotions that I’ve been holding in keep exploded. I didn’t know what had gone over me. Maybe I was angry that he kept toying with my feelings, or maybe because I love him and he didn’t love me back.

“You think that’s funny?” I exploded. “Every time you say things like that only hurts me because I’m so in love with you. I know that you don’t have feelings for me but when you say those things, it gives me a hope only to be let down every time I snap back to reality. ” He looked shock. He didn’t say anything. He just stared at the grown.

After a long moment of awkward silent, he finally said, “I’m sorry if I made you feel like that. I won’t do it again.” I knew he meant well when he apologized but it only hurt more. A part of me thinks that he might return the feeling after I confess to him, but he didn’t. Instead he apologized. “Jiyeon,” he continued, “I have to leave.”

“Yeah, do whatever you want.”

“It’s not like that. I mean I have to leave to a very faraway place.”

“Ok. Like I said do whatever you want,” I said out of anger.

“That’s why I can’t be with you,” he mumbled.

“You don’t have to say that to make me feel better,” I yelled as tears rolled down my face. “Just say that you can’t return my feelings.”

“It’s not like that,” he assured me. I got up and left before I could listen to all of his explanation. I felt angry. I already knew that he wouldn’t return my feelings so why was I still hurt?

After that event, I stopped talking to him. It wasn’t because I was still angry with him, but because I was so embarrassed of myself for acting so childish. When he called me, I couldn’t get myself to pick up. He came to visit me but I couldn’t open the door. I missed him so much that I was about to go crazy. That is when I decided to it up and go talk to him.

The next morning I went to his house to apologize to him but he wasn’t home. When his parents saw me, they seemed so happy. They knew my name and they treated me as if I was part of their family.

“You know, it’s fate that you became close with both Kang Joon and his grandfather,” his mother told me. I smiled. “Because of you, they both became happy after being sick for a long time.”

“Yeah,” his father agreed. “Kang Joon told us that he was feeling miserable after the cancer thing but you helped him feel better.” And that’s when it hit me. When he said that he had to go somewhere far, it wasn’t because he was moving. It was because he was dying. I suddenly burst out in tears.

“Sweetie, what’s wrong?” his mom asked me.

“Hon, I don’t think he told her about the cancer,” his dad whisper to his mom. They looked at me with sadness in their eyes. I quickly ran outside the house and I bumped into him. As soon as he saw me crying, he pulled me into his arms.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked.

“Because. Because I didn’t want you to get hurt.”

“Well, you didn’t do a good job of it,” I tried to joke among all the crying. He caressed by head.

“I’m sorry,” he said. His parents came running out of the house after me. They apologized to him for telling me about his situations. “It’s ok. It’s better that she finds out while I’m alive then when I’m dead right?” he jokingly asked me. I gave him a glare and he laughed.

That night, I cried myself to sleep. How can this be my fate? I’m going to lose both of my friends. This harsh reality made me wish that I had never met them in the first place.

The next day I went through my phone listening to all the messages that he had left me. Most of them him telling me to call him back, but as I listened to the last message, I felt a double edge sword stabbing right through my heart. On the message he said: “Hey, I’m sorry for annoying you with all my call. I won’t call you again after this but I just miss you so much. Every time I think about you, it just hurts,” he cried. “It hurts that I can’t be with you. It hurts because I just love you so much. I’m sorry that I pushed you away like that. I know I am selfish for doing this to you. I keep wanting to get close to you even though I know I will end up hurting you. I want to be with you so much but I just can’t. You know, everything I said to you was true. When I first told you that I didn’t want to leave because I will never meet such a beautiful girl again. And when I told you that I wanted to marry you. I might’ve told you that I was kidding but I wasn’t. I just didn’t want you to know that I fell in love with you since I first met you. Why does it have to be me? I finally found happiness but my happiness will only hurt you. I hope you never listen to this message. I just needed to let it out because if I kept it in any longer, I might explode.”

After listening to the message, I went to him. He saw me and he knew that I heard his message. He held me tightly in his arms and held on tightly to him. None of us wanted to let go but it wasn’t our choice to begin with.

One time I asked him why he fell in love with me even though there were many other girls who are more beautiful than me. He answered, “It’s not about the appearance. It’s about the feeling.”

My love left me and now I am alone again. I felt more miserable than before. The first time was because no one seems to care about me. This time is because I have people who loves me. Life is a cycle of misery.