I would like to tell you that I wish we never crossed paths. That if I were to live my life again I would stay as far away as possible. That meeting you was the greatest mistake of my life. But that would be lying. And you know how much I at it. If I were to relive my life again, I would probably do the same things again like a fool. I would have told you ‘I love you too” when you told me you love me. And even if I regret them, I would still do the same things again. Because I was happy, Minho. Even if it was short-lived, I was happy to the point of tears.

 

That day we met under the big oak tree changed my life. Did I mention I found you so attractive I couldn’t find my voice for a whole minute? You were like the sun and I was nothing more than an insignificant shadow. Yet you talked to me in a voice so deep I could have drowned. And maybe I did because I found it hard to breathe when you said my name.

 

You hated me back then. I remember when you jumped from the tree, landing gracefully on the ground, and surprising the hell out of me.

 

“What are you doing here?” you asked with a hint of anger in your deep voice. After hearing the sound of your voice, I turned so fast I felt dizzy and ended up with my on the ground.

 

You were trying not to laugh that it came out as a snort. I was so embarrassed that I started hating you but the look on your face told me the feeling is mutual. You hated me for being there, penetrating your personal space. But at that moment I couldn’t care less. I didn’t understand your feelings back then. Why you had that need to be on your own, away from people - totally different from the Choi Minho I know. Yes, I knew who you are even if you have no idea who I was. You were the popular guy in school after all. But I still couldn’t understand why you have to hide that side of yours. Among all the things I like about you, your quiet loner self tops it all off.

 

“What’s your name?” you asked as I try to pick myself up, my still sore from the fall.

 

“Taeyeon,” I said not expecting you to remember it.

 

“Don’t come here again,” you said. My anger flared up but I didn’t say anything. I left not because your words affected me but because I had enough of your ty attitude. But when I returned the next day, I decided not to leave even if you told me to.

 

“I told you to stay away.” you said as i expected you would.

 

“You did but I never said I will. This is a public place. I deserve to be here.” i said before sitting at the other side of the tree with my back on you. I could feel you glaring at me but I tried my best to ignore you and instead ate my lunch in silence.

 

I don’t have any friends you must have realized by then. I always eat my lunch under that big oak tree until you came and claim the place to be yours even though it was obvious it had been mine for a long time. You sat next to me, watching me eat and I had to swallow harder than usual because I find it hard to keep the food down with you by my side. You seemed oblivious though and started a one sided conversation because I refused to say anything.

 

“Why are you eating alone?” “Do you only eat vegetables?” “That’s boring.” “Is that cucumber? Jeez. I hate your diet.”

 

You got tired and left eventually. But as i watched your retreating back there was something painful tugging in my chest that refuses to go away. I guess I fell in love with you then even if I didn’t know it yet.

 

The next time I saw you you were with your friends. “hey, you, pale looking girl,” one of them called out to me. I knew what’s going to happen because i often see your so-called friends making fun of weak students like me. Honestly, i never expected i would catch your friends’ attention. I had always been invisible to everyone. Someone who blends in the crowd unnoticed. But for some reason your friends saw me and decided to make me your next victim.

 

You didn’t say anything when they pushed me on the wall, gripped my neck so tight, pulled my hair harshly and whispered threats against my ear. It was painful but not as painful as the blank look you gave me when i met your eyes. It was as if you never cared. Why would you anyway? I was stupid to even think you would. We never shared anything besides awkward moments under the old oak tree. But still it hurts, Minho. Specially when i dont have the right to feel that way.

 

Your friends promised not to hurt me again if i do as they say - 1 week of cleaning duties in their place and the teachers should never find out. I guess i dont have the choice but to do what i'm told without complaints even if my body refuses to cooperate. You see, I was born with a weak body and anything too strenuous could make my heart beat at an abnormal rate. So it took me hours to finish cleaning because I had to stop and take a rest every once in awhile.

 

It was on a friday the last day i have to clean when you showed up. I stared at you for a few minutes before resuming my work. I was still mad at you and i hated myself for feeling that way. You picked up a broom and to my surprise, started cleaning with me. You never said anything but your actions told me you wanted to apologize. And to me that was enough. We finished earlier than when I had to do it on my own. I never said anything to you and you seemed to be okay with it. Silence is something we always liked to share.

 

I picked up my bag and left before you did. “Taeyeon!” you called out my name. I was even surprised that you remembered. but I never turned back so I didn’t know what kind of expression you had on your face. Maybe i was scared to see the same blank stare from you so i kept going without sparing a glance.

 

We met again under the big oak tree. And that was when you told me you were sorry. It meant so much to me because from what i heard, you never apologize to anyone. And yet you did to me. “I’m sorry,” i clearly heard you say.

 

“You’re forgiven,” i said and then i stole a glance at you and saw you smiling. My heart flipped in my chest when i saw your smile. You were shining like the sun and the pathetic insignificant me was blown away. That was the first time I admitted to myself that i like you. Although i am pretty sure now that it was love. I was just too stupid not to realize it then.

 

I was never a follower of traditions so I didn’t know why a few days from valentine's day i found myself making homemade chocolates. You would probably laugh at me if you knew i spent sleepless nights perfecting them. After getting scolded by my mom for staying up all night (i should take proper care of myself, she said) i was excited to come to school for once.

 

But when i saw you at lunch my courage deserted me and i suddenly didn’t know how to give them to you.

 

“to whom are you giving those chocolates?” i didn’t notice you coming so i jumped when i heard your voice from behind me.

 

“no one,” i lied.

 

“then can i have them?” you didn't wait for my reply. You took the chocolate from my hands and started eating it. I told you it would spoil your appetite if you eat it before lunch but you didn't seem to care. I gave up warning you because i was enjoying watching you eat. I was glad the chocolates served its purpose in the end.

 

“Go out with me,” you said out of the blue. I can only gape at you stupidly while you wait for my reply. That wasn’t how it was supposed to be. Im supposed to give you the chocolates then tell you i like you. But you beat me into it. Not that i'm complaining though. It just caught me off guard.

 

You were still staring at me, brows furrowing with worry. Ive known you long enough to read the expression on your face and at that moment i knew my answer means a lot to you.

 

Oh, Minho, you have no idea how happy i am right at that moment. But you see, there were things i haven't told you before, things you have every right to know if we were to be in a relationship. But i was too happy that nothing else matters. I said okay before the rational side of my brain tells me otherwise.

 

We dated for half a year and it was the happiest 6 months of my life. You changed also. You spend more time with me and less with your friends whose pastime is to torture unfortunate students. You said they were never really your friends and you only hang out with them because you find them fun to be with. But you never liked what they do.

 

We still spend time under the big oak tree and i like it when you hold my hand as if it was the most normal thing in the world. You told me about your love for soccer and i suggested that you try out for the school soccer team. I told you my love for dancing and you gave me a sad face when i told you i'm not allowed to dance anymore because my body couldn’t handle it. I didn’t believe in soul mates, destiny, fate or any of that but when i met you i changed my mind. Maybe God took pity on me that He gave you to me even though i knew it would be just for awhile.

 

When you said you were leaving, I knew that it's over. My dream-like fantasy is ending. You said it would only be for 5 years. You promised you will be back. That you only have to finish college at the school your parents chose for you. You asked me to wait. Oh, Minho, believe me I wanted to. I would if i would be given the choice. But I was scared Minho. Of uncertainties, of fate and destiny that i still do not believe in.

 

“let’s not make any promises,” I told you and you looked at me as if you couldn’t believe you're hearing those words from me. I wanted to cry but i didn’t want you to notice how much i was hurting. "Let’s just break up.”

 

You were close to tears and it hurts me more to see you that way. The Choi Minho I knew never cried. I didn’t know if I should be happy that I mean so much to you or sad that I'm causing you pain for breaking up with you.

 

It wasn’t because i didn’t trust you Minho. I knew you will keep your promise. But the thing is, I wasn’t sure if i’d be able to keep mine. i avoided your eyes so i didn’t have to deal with the pained look on your face. I already accepted my fate. That happiness is an evasive thing and dying is inevitable. I didn’t wanna end up hurting you so i had to let you go.

 

You see, Minho, my heart is failing me. When I was a kid, the doctors said I won’t live long. So you see, everything was a mistake brought upon my own selfishness. I shouldn't have started anything with you when I couldn’t even finish it. And now you’re suffering with me.

 

The day of your flight, you sent me a message asking me to meet you at the airport one last time. That day I was with my doctor discussing my treatment and the possibility of me quitting school and staying at the hospital for the next few months.

 

Have a safe trip.” i typed my reply. I wanted to add ‘i will miss you’ but thought better of it. I already said my goodbyes. I miss yous would only complicate things.

 

I never heard from you after that. I would like to think you've already moved on even if i couldn’t. To know that at least one of us found happiness is good enough for me.

 

And now after five years my heart still longs for you.

I don't even know how i managed to keep myself alive for the last five years. I wasn't even sure if i was thankful for it. After all, it wasn’t a happy life without you in it.

 

You came back as you promised. only that it wasn’t for me. I am no longer part of your world and that’s fine. Alright, maybe not entirely. Because I could still feel my heart stings after i saw you with her. I see you found yourself a girlfriend. She’s pretty - a lot more than I could ever be.

 

I wish I didn’t have to fall for you, Minho. How I wish I wasn’t madly in love with you. Because then I wouldn’t feel my heart shattering when I saw you holding her hand and smiling back when she looked at you. I wouldn’t be wishing I was the one beside you and not her. But I already missed my chance so I’ll just quietly walk away praying you wouldn’t notice how badly I was hurting.

 

But fate can be cruel sometimes. I went to the school where we spent our high school together. I found you sitting under the old oak tree. It felt like I travelled back in time. Back to when we were still both in love.

 

“I missed you,” I said before I could stop myself. That was a wrong thing to say, of course. I ended things with you before so there is no reason for me to feel that way about you. But somehow I just wanted you to know the truth. I wanted to be honest with you for once though I know it would ruin everything.

 

“Stop messing with me,” you said in a voice so cold I feel like i was talking to a different Choi Minho. Your deep voice was once filled with warmth.

 

Maybe I should have left right then. But Minho i couldn’t. You were right in front of me and I couldn’t leave. You crossed the distance between us, gripped my arms so tight it hurts. Then you did something I never expected.

 

You kissed me.

 

It wasn’t gentle like we usually shared before. It was different. It was as if you wanted to show me how much you hated my entire existence. But still I kissed back. All thoughts deserted me and all I could feel is your lips against mine.

 

“I love you,” i said. Another mistake.

 

You laughed, full of bitterness and without humor. “I hate you,” you uttered against my ear before pushing me so hard that my back hit the tree and I groaned in pain before falling on my knees.

 

You left without sparing me a glance. I let my tears fall while comforting myself with lies. ‘everything’s going to be fine.’ i wonder why my heart still feels heavy even after I told you the truth. Maybe falling in love is a heavy burden indeed.

 

I heard the day when we met under the tree was the day you broke up with your girlfriend. I couldn’t make myself feel bad because deep inside i knew i wanted it.

 

I hate myself for not getting over you. Even now as I was being brought inside the operating room, about to undergo a surgery that would either extend or shorten my life, I think about you. I think about the what ifs and maybes.

 

What if you knew the reason why I let you go 5 years ago? What if i told you the truth that I might die soon? Maybe you stayed. Maybe I'll have a reason to keep on living.

 

I closed my eyes finally letting myself surrender to the medicines they injected on me. I would like to think that when i wake up (if i ever do) it would be a new life for me. A life where you would be there holding my hand, where you are still in love with me as much as i am in love with you.

 

Pathetic really. But Minho you made me this way. You made me cry over silly things, made me question my worth, and lose my self confidence.

 

When I opened my eyes again, you were there. There were tears in your eyes and I couldn’t understand a single thing. Why you were crying and why were you even there. I lost you five years ago so why are you beside me now?

 

“why didn’t you tell me?” you asked.

 

I avoided your eyes. I didn’t know what to say to you. This, you being here, is one of the what ifs filling my head for the last five years.

 

My heart beats fast and i wonder if I was having a heart attack but that shouldn’t be the case because I just had a heart transplant which means a healthy heart. Now i can live longer. For what? I'm not yet sure.

 

You reached for my hand and it felt warm. You leaned down and captured my lips for a gentle kiss. It was then that I realized what I was living for.

 

It was all for you, Minho.