Small Note!

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“When are you going?”

Byulyi and Wheein were in their regular ice cream date, a day after Wheein had showed up in Byulyi’s front door telling her she would leave. The ice cream in Byulyi’s hand was fast to melt, but she didn’t bother. Her mind was obviously somewhere else.

“Next week,” Wheein replied. Her ice cream was halfway done.

Byulyi gripped the cone tightly. Too tight that it was almost crumbling. Her vanilla ice cream melted and she could feel a drop sliding down to her fingers.

It was almost killing her how Wheein looked so casual. Sounded indifferent. As if leaving far away wouldn’t be much a hassle for her.

As if leaving Byulyi was easy for her.

And Byulyi almost asked her right then. ‘How are you just okay with that?’ ‘Aren’t you sad at all?’ ‘Is leaving really an easy thing for you?’

‘Do you even love me?’

The last part was a bit tricky. It was something they were never so vocal about. Byulyi might be loud in expressing it, in every of gentle on Wheein’s hair, in her gaze that immediately softened whenever she looked at Wheein, in how she would randomly hug Wheein from the back and pressed a kiss against her cheek. But neither of them had actually say the three words out loud.

Byulyi thought it didn’t matter. She loved Wheein, that was for sure, and she knew Wheein loved her, too. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t have waited for Byulyi with an umbrella when Byulyi had to stay late at school and couldn’t go home due to the abrupt downpour. She wouldn’t have pasted glow-in-the-dark star stickers on her bedroom wall because she felt secure sleeping with it, ‘with Byulyi watching, keeping her safe in her sleep.’

But then, when Wheein said she was leaving, and she finished her ice cream as if it was not something for them to be concerned about, a glint of doubt crept in Byulyi’s heart.

She suddenly felt an urge to hear the words from Wheein. Just for an assurance, just to make herself certain that she wasn’t in this alone. That she wasn’t in love alone.

But until the last day Wheein stayed in Seoul, none of them had uttered the words. Byulyi felt a pang of regret back then. She should’ve told Wheein that she loved her, more than anything else and she didn’t think she could ever love someone else more than she did to Wheein. Even telling it would not be enough. She should shout it to the world, in confidence and in certainty.

Because Wheein deserved to know that she was loved. She deserved to carry the promise of Byulyi’s love wherever she went. So that even if they were miles apart, Wheein could still see the star stickers on her bedroom wall and knew that Byulyi loved her. And she should know because she had heard it, loud and clear from Byulyi.

But Wheein had never heard it and Byulyi had never said it. Not when Wheein left the country. Not even when Wheein left her for the second time.

Byulyi woke up disoriented, with a painful pang in her head. Getting up from her couch, she felt like her entire body was a mush. ‘Shouldn’t have drunk that much,’ she thought – every damn time she drank a lot. She gingerly made her way toward the bathroom to notice she was still in her dress shirt from yesterday, then everything rushed back to her.

Last night was the night Wheein flew back to France. Byulyi had gone to her usual bar and spent the entire night there, getting wasted. She must’ve ended up calling Yongsun for help. Or she went home by herself, she didn’t remember.

What she remembered was the pain of realization that Wheein had left. Again. And it hurt a thousand times more than the previous case, because this time Byulyi had begged for her to stay, and she didn’t.

Byulyi let out a grunt when she reached her cupboard for a painkiller. How many bottles did she take last night? Chewing down the pills and grimacing at the bitterness, Byulyi took a glance at the clock. 1 PM. Wheein might have arrived, or she should be, soon.

She shook her head. ‘Nope, Moon Byulyi, you got this.’ She heaved a sigh at the thought. No more Jung Wheein. ‘This was exactly like 8 years ago. You were completely fine without her and you’ll be completely fine any time soon.’

A notification tune from her phone cut Byulyi’s train of thoughts. It was an e-mail from her coworker. Byulyi sighed, dismissing all reminders and notifications and immediately regretted doing so because once cleared from unread messages, the wallpaper of her phone came in sight. It was a photo of the ferris wheel she had taken two days ago, when she took Wheein there.

Byulyi opened her gallery, tapping on the trash bin symbol on the top right corner.

She would be fine.

“Byul-ah…” Yongsun’s voice was half an octave higher, trying to fight its way against the loud music to Byulyi’s ears.

“Let’s just go home, you’re drunk.”

Yongsun had accompanied Byulyi to her favorite bar. Byulyi had come there for three consecutive days, getting wasted each time. Yongsun had enough of seeing her friend miserable and persuaded Byulyi to stop, of course to no avail.

“She came to my life, filled it with all beautiful things,” Byulyi slurred the words, singing them like a tune.

‘How can this write songs when she’s drunk?! Geez, talent is scary,’ Yongsun thought.

“Then she left, leaving me with only memories.”

“She came back again though, after ing 8 years.”

Yongsun winced. Now, that sounded like a diss rap.

“And she showed me all the beautiful things once again.”

There was a crooked smile in Byulyi’s visage. She took another shot.

“And now she left again. Like I’m something she gets to ing play with when she’s bored.”

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