He cursed himself everyday. Not Jaebum. Of course it wasn’t his fault. He chose to live, he chose happiness, and as always Park Jinyoung just couldn’t let go of things. His mother always told him that to earn more, he needs to let go of the few. But he never wanted more. He just longed for the one thing he could never have.

It started with small coughs. He blamed it on the amount of cigarettes he smoked everyday. It’s not like he knew how to stop. Not like he wanted to in the first place. But deep down he knew, he could feel them blossom in his lungs. Oh, how beautiful it must look he thought. Love is beautiful after all.

It never got better. It didn’t surprise him, but made him happy in an odd way. At least he knew his feelings are real, the love warming him up from inside, the petals making him so full he couldn’t retain them inside of him, as they always found their way out, coloured in red.

Red

“Did you know the colours of flowers have meanings? For example, red flowers mean true love, the most passionate one, coming straight from your heart.”

“You should get her those. It will make her happy.”

“You think so? I just really want this to go well Jinyoung. I want to spend the rest of my live with her, you know?”

“Yeah, I know.” It was hard to breathe.

“Can you believe it? I am getting married Jinyoung!” He barely heard him shouting through the phone. He felt like suffocating, petals escaping his mouth, making him dizzy.

“I am so happy for you. She is an amazing woman Jaebum.” It’s true. Jinyoung wouldn’t lie to him. He only wanted happiness for him, and she could give it to him. The woman of Jaebum’s dreams, side by side with the man of his dreams.

Blue flowers mean impossible love.

“I want you there Jinyoung. Be my best man, so you can stand next to me for the last time.”

“Of course.”

That night, like many others, he couldn’t fall asleep. Tomorrow is his best friend’s special day. The last time he will stand next to him. Jinyoung was fine with that.

He couldn’t help but smile, seeing him look so handsome on this day. He was truly happy for him. She was beautiful too. A perfect girl, you would say.

It could’ve been me.

“I don’t know if it’s weird. But I got you these.” He handed Jaebum a bouquet of blue roses. They were truly beautiful, just like the ones decorating his insides. Just like him.

“I need to tell you something Jinyoung. I haven’t told anyone yet, so you must keep it a secret.”

It couldn’t get worse.

“We are expecting a baby. I want to name it Jinyoung if it’s a boy. Sung Yeong agrees.” He glanced over at her, and she gave him a knowing smile. They really work well together.

It could.

Black

He felt a familiar feeling, standing next to his childhood friend, like nothing has changed. Even though they both knew it’s a lie. They always thought Jinyoung would be the first one to marry. Jaebum was always the wild one, playing around. But time changed them. It changed everything. The last time, he thought.

That night Jinyoung drank a lot. Jaebum had to carry him to his hotel room, like many times before. The man never drank much, so he was used to taking care of his friend.

“Hey Jaebum?”

“Hm?”

“Do you know the meaning of black flowers?”

He didn’t reply. Maybe Jinyoung was too drunk for him to understand. Instead he laid him on his bed, and gave him a small kiss on the top of his head, like he always did. He left him in the room after that. The quiet thud of the door ringing in Jinyoung’s head like the loudest noise he has ever heard.

“Farewell.” He coughed. And he couldn’t stop coughing this time.

Black flowers were the most beautiful, he thought.