« It's over. Farewell »

No explanations, no feelings or emotions in his voice or his eyes. Nothing. Just this sentence. This sentence which killed me outright. This sentence which made me lose the meaning of my life. Its been a month now. Thought my body and my heart didnt forget. I still can perfectly feel his fingers which caressed my skin, his breathe on my neck, his voice which tickled softly my ear when he whispered he loved me. I knew all that was just lies but I couldnt prevent my heart to beat like a crazy. I felt complet when he was by my side. I didnt need anything else. Everything was beautiful and nice at this moment. When he was there, even the rain, the wind, the people didnt seem important to me. All the inconveniences of life passed over my head. But now Im so lonely, helpless in front of all this. Why did he leave me? He didnt love me but I loved him like a crazy, I would have sell my soul to the Lucifer for him. So why didn't he just continue to stand me? Why didnt he stay with me? I could do anything for him to come back. But what can I do? I dont even know where he is now... and even if I knew it... all I could do would be beg him while crying. But why would he come back? He dont love me. He left me so easily. As if it was nothing. And yet, he broke my heart into pieces. He broke my life. He has erased my past and my future. He has erased me. My bed is cold even if I spend my days and nights in it. I dont go out anymore, eat just enough to survive a little while longer, clinging to a vain hope that one day he'll come back to me. My apartment seems huge and empty now he aint here anymore to fill it with his warmth. My eyes are dry, unable to produce tears again. I cried too much after he left. I cant anymore. I dont have anything left. Not even the control of my own body. My friends call me everyday to force me to go out but my body dont wanna move, dont wanna go where I'll feel better, where I could forget him. His smell disappeared of the pillow he used, of the clothes he left behind him. There's just his cigarette butts in the ashtray of the saloon. Those cigarettes I used to hate. Those cigarettes I cherish now. Because its all I have of him today, the smell of the stale tobacco. Those remains of cigarettes which touched his lips that I'll never be able to kiss again, to caress with the tip of my tongue. Because he left. He gave up on me. Maybe if he heard about my death while reading the newspapers, he'd have regrets. Or maybe not. Maybe he forgot me already. Maybe he'd smile, thinking he did great when he left someone as pitiful as me.

...

Three months. Nothing changed. Oh, right. Now, even the smell of his cigarette butts disappeared. I should throw them away but I cant. Beside its been three days I cant do anything. Not even get out of my bed, raise up my arm to reach my phone which dont stop ringing. Probably my friends who are worried. And they are right. I feel I wont last long at this rate. My strength fails me as he left me. Even open my eyes became a too hard. Finally, he'll really have killed me with a simple sentence. I wish I could see him a last time. Feel his body against mine which begins to be cold, as if I was already dead. Feel his heart beats peacefully against my back when he hugs me from behind. Feel his hot breathe on my cheeks, lips and neck. Feel his lips against mine. Hear his voice. But no. I just have the silence, the air stream that passes through the window because the joint has taken off and is no longer isolated, my own smell which seems repulsive, bitter to me. Its so dark. So dark I dont even know if my eyes are open or close. And this silence. I dont even hear my breathe anymore. I dont see, hear or feel anything. But Im cold. The cold that filled my heart has finally spilled the rest of my body.

« Hold on! »

What a sweet irony. Im dying, alone, abandonned and my brain dont find anything else to do than to play with me. This voice I wish I could hear floods in my head, preventing me to think. Shut up, leave me alone! You gave up on me so dont act as if you care about me!

« JunSu! You cant die! Open your eyes, I beg you! »

My imagination could at least be more realistic. If it wanna bother me. ChanSung would never say things like that. He dont care about me. He probably is in the arms of another man right now. He must have fun. He must be filling the ashtray of another man, maybe of a woman, who knows?
What is this weird feeling? I feel like Im flying. Does my soul is leaving my body? And this voice which wont stop screaming me to hold on. But hold on what? I dont have anything left!

...

Light. Much light. Too much. My eyes burn. Each of my muscles seems to be in fire. So, thats Heaven? Painful, as life?

« he woke up! »

what? So Im not dead finally...

« if you hear me, open your eyes »

yes, I can hear you. But its not your voice I wanna hear. Why you didnt let me leave? I didnt wanna stay alive. Without him, its useless.

« JunSu, open your eyes, please! »

My ears are playing with me again. My eyes too. He cant be sitting next to me. He cant be crying. ChanSung never cry, and even less for me.

« you scared me like hell! You tried to die or something?»

Yes, so what? Why arent you laughing at me? Why you dont think Im pitiful? Why are you here? Why did you save me while you're the one who destroyed me?

« Im sorry. I shouldnt leave you. Its when I did it that I realized how much I love you. Please, hold on! I wont leave you again so hold on!»

Maybe Im dead finally. Maybe I reached Heaven. His lips on mine. This taste of honey I forgot with time. I love you ChanSung. I love you so much I could die. Never leave me again.