I dreamt about the first time I died. I didn't know what I was, didn't know the extent of what my body could do when it happened. I died cold and afraid, I had even wet myself, not that I had any reason to be embarrassed about it now. It was such a common way to die. My curiosity had led me astray from my home and into the welcoming arms of death. I had been pounced on as the sun set, dragged into the wilderness and an implement dug into my chest and dragged down though my abdomen until it couldn't go any further. My valuables were stolen, consisting solely of a solid stone and jet ring I would retrieve at a later date. I didn't die straight away. I was alive long enough to feel hands across my body as I was robbed for all I was worth. I could feel the splatters of blood as I coughed trying to clear my airways, the hot treacly feeling as blood poured out of my open chest and down and over my skin, soaking back into the earth. I laid under the watchful eyes of the trees and forest creatures as my last breath curled from betwixt my lips and vanished. The light dimmed from my eyes, leaving the cold dead reflection of the moon on my pupils.

When I woke, I was in immense pain. Like piercing a seal, my body had never before fixed itself in such a crazed fashion. Through my death, I had inherited the greatest gift and greatest curse that could be bestowed. I stayed still, resting, for what seemed like hours but could have been minutes as the pain began to subside and I was able to stand. It was still dark, but the moon had changed immensely. I did not know how long I had been out, but I could tell from the moon I had been missing. I dragged my body for what seemed like days but when I returned to the usual campsite, the camp had moved on. We had left others behind before and being on the side of the leaving camp, it seemed almost rational; if a member did not return they were presumed dead and left behind. Being on the other side however, the abandonment stung. How many others had been in my position? How many of us were still alive?

 

I woke with a start. I hadn't thought about my first death for a while. I thought about the way it felt, my flesh tearing apart and frowned. It had been a while since I had tried something as graceless as a blade but it might work. My body ached, not physically but spiritually. Owning the coffee shop and an art gallery weren't satisfying me the way they used to. I was angry at myself. I couldn't believe it had only been two years before I started to feel this way. I was more than angry with myself. I despised myself. If my coping strategies were no longer working, it would only be so long before I exploded. It wasn't as if I could go to a psychiatrist, lie down on their chaise-lounge and recount all my problems. Well you see doc, the problem is that I can't die and it's getting really boring now so if you could dope me up to the eyeballs, that would begreat.

I was almost thankful in a misshapen way to have Juniper always trying to get me to do things. She was like my personal sponsor. While I seen so many things that the world could offer, at least the personalities of people tended to differ. The combinations of different traits always used to intrigue me as they combined to make up completely different people. The human mind was such a fascinating thing. I rolled over in my king size four poster, clutching the maroon satin duvet to my chest. The material was cool against my skin. I glanced over at my bedside table where my clock sat. 1pm. I had slept in much later than usual. No wonder my body hurt.

I made a performance of getting ready today. Blasting The Best of Marilyn Monroe from my modified gramophone, I pranced around the apartment. I threw windows open and called to the people beneath me in the streets in all my bare-chested glory. I wanted to fill myself up with glory, energy stolen from passersby. I yanked open my closet doors open and spun around, running my hands across all the wonderful fabrics. No one had been in my apartment before but if they had they would cry. Almost Gatsbyian in nature, my closet was gaudy, too fancy even for my taste but I relished in it.

Ripping clothes from their hangers, I threw them in the air, laughing uproariously as I was showered in expensive fabrics. I screamed, throwing my voice against the walls as Marilyn sang to me and only me. I waltzed, clutching my imaginary partner as I stepped on clothes with prices that would make a layman blush. I didn't care. My mind was in turmoil but it was drunk in the excitement. It was only after I had run out of breath and my vision started to swim that I realised I had started to cry. I had gotten myself too excited and the emotions had started to spill. I sniffled and wiped my hand across my face. I should have known better. There were only a few, but some people had left such an impact on me that I could barely breathe when I thought of them. Thinking of her nearly broke my heart.

I had thought once upon a time that when I was with her I would be able to grow old and live at peace. When she looked at me, she looked into my soul and settled me against the earth beside her. When her voice fluttered from her perfect lips, I melted and would die for her to say my name. I thought it was going to happen with her but it didn't. She had moved on before I had a chance to match her pace. I hadn't even been there when it happened. I scolded myself. This was why I tried not to think of her. I was only torturing myself. I wiped my tears away.

This was no time to weep.

 

"Where are you?" Juniper demanded down the phone. I held the phone slightly away from my face as she began to berate me. I had done a bad thing. I had broken a promise to my friend. Last night's dreams and my episode this morning had put me off the whole idea. Juniper had decided to go back to school a few years back, and I, bored out of my freaking mind, had followed suit. I had done pretty well but as soon as I had finished second year, I relapsed. I didn't so much fall of the wagon as I did plummet head first into a pit of illegal substances. I couldn't help it. no matter how hard I tried. I would be doing good, really ing good in fact, but then it would all come back. The pointlessness of it all. I could have a hundred degrees and yet it wouldn't bring any of it back.

"Something came up" I offered weakly. My body was tired, my mind even more so. I didn't have the energy to take to Juniper right now. She wanted something I couldn't give her right now. She needed her best friend but I wasn't up to par right now. I kept reliving my nightmare in my head and feeling my body sinking deeper into the floor. I needed to do something that made me feel more alive. 

"You know how long I've waited for this...You promised you'd come"

"June...it's just orientation. You don't need me to be there"

"I don't need you to be here. You need you to be here. This is important. I'm sure your grandfather would want you to finish your degree" I winced as she mentioned my collosal little white lie. I had to hide my relapse with something that made me look human so I faked the death of a non-existent relative. It seemed like the obvious choice at the time but Juniper had an annoyingly accurate memory and at times I hated it/

"I'm just not really feeling into it at the moment" Juniper let out an exaggerated sigh of exasperation that threateed to choke me it was so loud. I tried to ignore the niggling feeling of guilt swimming around in my gut. I had bigger problems than being a ty friend to worry about. I had tried. I really had. Heck, we were even going to be semi-dorm mates this year. I had actually put money into this facade, even when I had the penthouse all to myself. At least staying on campus would sait her need to 'hang out at yours' whenever her boyfriend pissed her off. But I couldn't bring myself to go in. Not just yet.

"Look June, my stuff is getting sent over later so it's not like I'm backing out on our plan. I am still most defnitely moving in. I'm just gonna be running a bit late" A long pregnant pause settled between us before I heard the sound of June giving in.

"Alright Seph. I'll see you later ok?"

"Swear"

"And Seph?"

"Yeah?" I gripped the phone tighter to my face. I suddenly felt the need to be closer to June. I could feel how disappointed she was in me but on some level I knew she knew I wasn't always the most reliable.

"I'm sorry I mentioned your grandfather. I know you get like this sometimes. Just meet me at the dorm later ok?" The vision of what I was about to do swum drunkenly in my head. Time wasn't a scarcity that I had to worry about. I could turn up in an hour, or in a year. I didn't consider how precious spending time just us girls would be for June.

"Alright"

 

The sea was a lot wilder than I had expected it to be at this time of day but it was a good thing. It appeared angry, as if Poseidon himself was in a fury. The waves roared and crashed down against the rocks. All boats had been tied into their respective harbours and the familiar sound of the 'no swimming' siren was echoing through the beach. Even with all the noise surrounding me, the world had gone quiet as I stared down the cliff face into the rocks beneath me. I wasn't scared to jump. I didn't need to center myself or need someone to come along and push me. All I wanted was to reach into the darkness and pull out that single glimmer of hope I had once had.

I needed to do this to make myself feel better. This sickness has spread across my body again. I couldn't believe I was doing something to rash so close to my previous episode, but I wasn't looking for the same result. I just wanted to feel a rush. I stepped towards the edge, feeling tiny stones scrambling from beneath my feet and escaping down into the sea. That's what I wanted. I didn't bother to undress. I wanted to feel my bad decision when I was on the edge of hypothermia. I had the greatest moments of clarity when I was close to injury. 

Did I even want to go to university? It had seemed like the answer but now I was confused. I believed too heavily in my dreams to let last night go and I was trapped in the possibility that it might mean something. I needed to feel pain to see the light. Smiling to myself, I took a bold step and allowed my body to tumble of the cliff.

The wind pierced my skin as I rushed down towards the water. It was fierce, threatening to tear my skin apart but it was doing what I needed. My body was descending so fast that I could not longer see what was around me as I plummeted down but I was reaching it. I could feel the answer. When my body hit the water, I knew which bones broke straight away. My spine shattered, the impact ricocheting through my body. I felt bone fragments force their way into my lungs but I could not open my eyes as I was tossed through the water. My body was slammed against a rock with the force of a thousand fists. 

My mouth jerked open automatically and salty water rushed in, grating my throat. In the violence, I had a moment of clarity. The words swum out to me from the darkness. I needed to get a grip. 

Broken fingers dragged my body up to a place that I could rest, all energy had been ripped from my body. Unfurling onto my back, I inhaled the air around me as if I was starving, feeling the familiar clicks of my body mending itself. Not even a minutes peace. I laid there for over an hour, heaving breath after breath into my body. All I needed was a reason to live a bit longer.

 

I felt like an idiot turning up to the university at this time of night but I was determined to turn things around. The university had emailed me the information I needed to get into my dorm at least but I was a little too light headed to pay attention. I promised myself I wouldn't stay in the dorm tonight. I just wanted to make sure that Juniper knew that I was ok and made the bare minimum requirements to assimilate into the university lifestyle well. If I knew June well, she would be somewhere sociable. 

I passed our dorm building and seeing very few lights on determined that she was definitely socialising. I shuffled around the university in the darkness. Funny how your perception of the world alters your physical vision. I know I looked a bit rough, but I had at least tried to tidy myself up a little bit. Huge vintage sweaters, capris and adidas gazelles. I had bundled my hair into a bun and even bothered to put on some eyeliner. I had convinced myself to try.

After wandering around for half an hour, I stumbled across a student bar located in the centre of the campus. The university was beautiful but it was clearly an architects dream child, rather than a set of buildings designed for functionality. The warm hubbub of young adult chatter and people spilling out onto the concord directed me to what could only be the student union. I followed the sites and sounds until I was inside the bustling student bar. I could hear that familiar voice and see the dark head of hair bobbing around that I knew. As I questioned whether I should join in the ruckus or blend into the backgroud, her arms were flung around my neck.

"SEPHY! YOU CAME!" She cheered in merriment. I could hear in her voice how happy June was to see me. She was practically jumping up and down, a little ball of energy, everything catching her attention as she made to introduce me to the closest people around her. 

"This is Sephy. She's my best friend" June declared, introducing me to the group. I made my greetings, shaking hands and getting hands from strangers who were almost as happy as June to see me. A sea of faces welcomed me into the group, wanting to know me.

"I'm Carmen"

"Damon"

"Melissa"

"Jeonghan, pleased to meet you"

As more hands reached for me, and plastic cups of drink swirled near my face and their voices clouded together, I started to feel slightly overwhelmed. My throat felt rough as I swallowed and I could feel my chest getting hot. Making a gesture towards the bar, I ducked out from beneath Juniper's arms. I placed myself at the back of the room, pressed against a book shelf. I turned around and pretended to be engrossed in the titles that blurred before me.

"That's a good choice"

I turned to see a man standing next to me, his eyes fixated on the book in my hand. The Lover by Marguerite Dumas. I looked up and recognised the man before me, Hair tied in a neat ponytail at the back of his head, it was Jeonghan, a boy Juniper had introduced me to earlier. His eyes fixated on the book for a moment longer before looking into mine and smiling.

"Have you read it?" Read it? I thought, I had basically lived it, watched as the whole thing went down. I had spent a great time in the Indochina area during the beginning of the 20th century. It wasn't quite as beautiful as the book portrayed it. 

"No...Is it any good?" Jeonghan laughed and rubbed the back of his neck.

"It's uh...it's alright. It's a romance essentially, with a broader focus on taboos of the time"

"Oh really? And here I thought the general publis just thought of it as soft . Well...at least the movie if you can look past the fact the main character is supposed to be 15" Jeonghan laughed and smiled again.

"I thought you said you hadn't read it?"

"I lied" laughing, I placed the book back onto the shelf and stood somewhat awkwardly in front of him. It had been a while since I had been given the ultimate attention of anyone and felt completely at ease. Even with Juniper I felt slightly on edge as she always had a hairbrained scheme to involve me in.

"Drink?"