It’s hurt.

What’s hurt?

The truth.

     Knowing the fact that we are here together in the exact same place we’re in, but never once I get to hold your hand. Your hand that I suppose to hold it for my entire life—and I will never complain. Your bunny smile that I was hoping it will show just to me, but you do it brightly to him.

Him.

.

Your boyfriend.

     Together we are here—the others are present—in this cozy-looking café. We are having a small hang out with our circle of friends. I saw you laughing—heck—my attention just only to you from the start, and I hope no one notice. Sometimes I caught you glancing back at me, but there’s nothing we can do here. Not in front of this people.

     Last night you came to my house and we cuddled up on the couch, watching movies. No one was there—except us. You and me. We spent the night hearing you talking and rambling about your tough day at university. The kiss we shared, I’m sure the feeling when your lips met mine still lingering here.

It’s hurt.

Doing this thing behind people’s back, so they won’t know about us though we sure that our feelings were true.

     When you are here, right by my side, it felt so right. And you told me the same. Everything’s felt so right for us, but not in other’s perception. To them, it may seems wrong. It’s true when you’re still his and not mine.

      Why did we found out so late? I knew I fell in love with you the moment you said he’s asking you out, when you’re officially his. I broke down, but you didn’t know. Sooner and later, you came to me that you felt something off. And that time, we had our first kiss.

     Though we’ve been hiding for a month now, exactly two month after you became his, we knew that we can’t hide forever. It’s too risky. Not when everyone knows that you’re still his girlfriend—officially. But when it just the two of us, you’re my girlfriend. And I’m your boyfriend. Officially, in our own world.

     There was one time when we had our serious talk, at your apartment. We talked about how we always keep our secret relationship behind closed doors. You insisted to let our relationship worldwide—oops, maybe that was too much—but you said that we should tell them. The truth that we’ve been keeping for a while.

     But I resisted. I just didn’t feel ready yet. What if you getting hurts? And that night, you shed tears. You said that I’m not being serious about us, but you know nothing. I’m serious about you, about us, about the love we shared.

     Every second, every thought that I’m in, so deep. You didn’t know how my name always at my lecturer’s mouth in every class because I’m not paying attention to the lecture. Just because of one reason and it always you behind those reasons.

     Other people might think the love we got is hopeless, rather homeless. But I know, things will work out. I insist to believe. And it will come out some day. The result should be better or else.

     Back to where we at right now, everyone seems to coop with the conversation. Maybe I was too immerse in my thought of you that I didn’t even notice that you’re not there beside him. I diverts my eyes to every corner of this café and I saw you, near the restroom hallway. You’re signalling for me to come. I come and glad that no one notice our disappearance.

     You pull me in one corner, a bit secluded, but I like how the look on your face right now. You feel needy. You craves for my lips, and I crave for yours. And soon, we sink in a heat kissing session. I’m glad that there’s no one passing by or they will definitely cringing at the amount of PDA we showed—literally.

     The hang out ends. The others had their other commitment as well. I decide to just drive home and rest, probably because I don’t have the mood to walk in the street. He slid his hand with yours, and you saw me frowning. In other way, you try to make me feel better by mouthing me “I love you” before you disappear with him. He probably take you out for a date and I don’t wanna think about it.

I said I don’t wanna think about it.

I. Don’t. Wanna. Think. About. It.

     But I end up waiting for you in front of your apartment door. My watch said it’s already 10.15 pm and I don’t care though it’s really cold out here. I sat in front your door, hands in my sweater pocket, back leaning on the cold wall. Exactly at 10.30 pm, I heard a ‘ding’ coming from the elevator, and as expected, I saw you. Glad that I don’t see him around you.

     I can say that you’re shock to see me there right in front of your door by the bright expression you got on your face. You run to me. I get that as a cue to spread my arms wide, for you to jump in my hug. You wraps your hand around my neck and pulls me to a sudden tight hug.

     I pull off and you pouts. You’re so cute despite the age that we are now. You never fail to make me smile widely, like a fool in love. Right, I’m always a fool if it’s about you. Everything about you is making me crazy. Crazy in a good way.

     I lean in for a kiss, and you complied with me. Lips met each other, the feeling felt so right. We literally making out outside of your apartment, though we had the whole space inside just for us. Just when we thought that no one would be there, a voice tore our lips apart.

“Nayeon?” He looks at you. “J-Jeongyeon?” And he saw me, finally.

     Finally, the thing we worried about came. Just in time.

     I can’t read his expression. It’s unreadable. Just then, I saw your purse in his hand. Oh my, it must be my careless girlfriend left it in his car and he came up to return it for you. But that’s not important. The thing is, how can we explain this? Out of the time, why now?

     I saw he’s marching towards me. His hand ball into a fist and it met my jaw immediately. All the pain—I can’t deny, it’s really hurts. I heard you scream his name.

“Jinyoung!”

     You come by my side and help me to stand on my feet again. The tangy iron flavour make me acknowledge that my lips busted. You cups both my cheek and inspect my cut. I can see that he still looking at you over your shoulder. I push you aside. It’s a fight between two men.

     He was about to launch another punch, but you stood in the middle making him stop in his track. He looks at you in disbelieve, but you didn’t give a damn. You spread your arms protectively though I was the man here. You’re so cute.

     He put down his fist and look down. His hands tremble, probably holding the anger in. “How long has it been… already?” His voice crack.

     “A month.” You answered with much confident and I didn’t say anything. I think that the time has come. The time that we have wait has come and we need to deal with it. Whatever the result it is.

     He look up and your eyes met him, but I didn’t feel jealous, cause I know you loves me. His eyes were red. I felt sorry for him but what we had are real. The feeling is still there and become stronger each times. I stood beside you and decide to break the silence.

“I’m sorry, Jinyoung. I—“

“Don’t talk.”

     I shut my mouth for him to calm down. Heh, I don’t want another bust on my lips. A few minutes passed by just like that without one of us talking. And he suddenly spoke.

“Do you love him?”

     He shot the question at you and knowing you, you answered it with confidence. Much more than before. “I do. I always do,” You said.

“What about me?”

     You sighed. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have agree it so soon. I’m in love with Jeongyeon right from the start but I’m too oblivious of my own feeling.”

     “But he is your best friend!” He tried to point out the past relationship we had before we finally admit our feeling. I wanted to laugh at that, but decide to save it for you to reply his question.

     “I know but we are friend too for a while before you courting me.” It sound cruel to be honest but what do I expect in this kind of situation? You clearly want to end this thing with him. I saw the look in his eyes. He’s clearly hurting.

     “What about the past two month we shared? Does it mean nothing to you?” Okay, he is really hurting. But what do you expect? I felt the same to for past two month. I can’t kiss you whenever I want, can’t hold your hand when we’re hanging with our friends. It’s torturing.

     “To be honest, Jinyoung, never once my heart flutter for you.” You replied. “But I felt it every seconds I spend with Jeongyeon.” Honestly, I felt sorry for him. All of us are victims in this unconditional love.

Jinyoung loves you and literally dating you officially,

You who fell in love with me though you had a thing with him,

And me, ah- I don’t wanna say it.

.

.

Fine.

Me who loves you dearly but suffering in hidden doors.

     All of us are victims. But victims always had a chance to feel happiness. And the happiness happened to be for us. You and me. Not you and him. I think I should speak up for now.

     “I’m sorry, Jinyoung but we love each other. No matter for how long we kept this hidden but for sure, I love her right from the start. It just… we were too oblivious of our feelings like Nayeon had said. I—“

“Stop.”

“But I didn’t fin—“

“Do you love her?”

     I nod. “Very.” From the corner of my eyes, I caught you looking at me. I reached for your hand and hold it tight.

     “Really? That much?” He saw. He clearly saw that we’re holding each other hand so tight. A minute later, I heard him sigh. You was about to speak when he beat you to it.

     “Fine.” He look up to you. “I let you go. If that what you wanna ask just now.” He gives a last look on your purse that place in his grip. “Yours.” You take your purse back and stay by my side.

“I’m sorry.”

     “Nah, don’t say it. It will just hurt more.” He said and look up to me. “I will get going. And you,” he pointed at me with his finger, “… take care of her.”

     That the last thing he said before disappear. You took me into your apartment and insisted to cure the bust on the corner of my lips. I sat on the couch and waited for you to come back with your first aid kit. I flinched and winced every time the ointment touched my wound, and you would say that I’m such a baby. Should I show you how manlier I can be?

     You were done with my wound and sat beside me, and we facing each other as I turned to face you. You put both of your palms on my cheek and caress it softly. A single tear rolled down on your cheek and I’m panic.

“Wha—Why are you crying?!” You didn’t answer and hit my chest.

     “Pabo. This is tear of happiness.” You said. I was relieved. I thought you were hurt. I pulled you into my embrace as you snuggled closer onto my chest under my chin. Do you like my chest that much? I grinned as you wrapped your arms around my waist.

     “Our wish had been answered. Though it ended in a bad way. I mean, for him.” I said. “But I glad that I can have you for myself now. No sharing. Just you and me.”

     “Me too. And we don’t have to hide anymore.” You pulled off the hug and look into my eyes. “You can hold, kiss me whenever and wherever you want without hiding.” I smirked when you said that.

“Really? Whenever and wherever I want?”

     “Y-Yah!” You hit my chest again. You really like my chest. I didn’t regret being dragged by Momo to the gym every weekend. Thanks, Momo-yah! My work out buddy!

     “It’s 11 pm. You wanna stay here or go home?” You asked. “Though I miss my bed so much, but I miss you more. Can I stay here?”

You smiled. It appear again. And I’m glad to know that the smile was only mean for me from now on. “Sure.”

     We ended up cuddling on your bed. You took a shower earlier and left with good scent lingering on my nose. I can’t help but the way you dress tonight somehow makes me… turn on. It just a simple white shirt that was way too big for you and not to mention the short pant you wore that make you look like you almost wear nothing.

     Maybe you can feel that my arms around you stiffen, that you decided to look up at me. I tensed up. I literally can’t see you in this state and I don’t think I can control myself any longer. But part of me said that I need to endure this.

     To be honest, we never do ‘it’ yet. It’s only a month after we confessed and now we are officially dating. Also, I don’t think you’re ready yet. Better save it for our marriage night.

     You sensed something wrong with me and cupped my face. “You okay?” I tensed under your touch. Oh my God, I’m so sensitive right now. It’s pain.

     Maybe you caught what actually happened to me. Well… it’s quite obvious. You sat up and I look at you in confusion. “Jeongyeon… are you…?” I think my face burn red the moment you said that. I sat up immediately and distant our gap.

“Nayeon-ah, I don’t think this is a good idea.” I cup your face. “I will sleep on the couch.”

     “Oh, o-okay.” I swear I saw you blush. Ah, this is so embarrassing! I think— “J-Jeongyeon?” I turned to face you. “Yes?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”