Hoseok keeps the pain in his chest a secret. He knows he shouldn’t, that he should tell someone. But no one can find out the truth. They’d hate him. They’d kick him out of their exclusive circle of friends and Hoseok couldn’t handle that.

 

“Hyung, you alright?” Jooheon asks as he passes Hyungwon his bowl of rice. 

Hoseok was clutching his chest, fist tight around his shirt. The pain had gotten worse now that he’s ignored it for so long. He slowly pulls his hand away and wants nothing more than to put it back again.

“I’m fine.” But he wasn’t at all. The pain had turned into throbbing at some point overnight in his sleep. It was going to be an extra long day.

“Are you like having a heart attack or something?” Minhyuk asks and he sounds genuinely concerned. 

Hoseok closes his eyes and takes a deep breath and feels his lungs struggling a bit on the intake. He sighs instead of breathing, not like he needs to anyways.

“No, Minhyuk. I’m fine.” But his voice betrays his lie and he hangs his head. “I’m okay, really.” He’s not though and maybe it was more obvious than he thought it was. He thought he was hiding it so well. That no one noticed that he stopped working out as much. He can’t keep up in track and field anymore. He can’t even so much as climb the stairs in the dorm without getting a little winded.

No one bothers him about it again for the rest of breakfast and Hoseok kind of hopes they would keep pushing for answers. At least it’d show that they actually cared.

 

Hoseok noticed how much harder it was getting to get out of bed every morning. He had to be up and ready to go before the sun was even rising. The first class of the day was his Advanced Biology class and he’s already missed too many days. He also noted that his eye color had changed again over night.

Instead of their usual deep brown they were starting to look blue and he knows what that means. It means he needs to seek help but he’s too stubborn.

He’s too scared the others will hate him. Kihyun had jokingly once said that androids were pointless for anything other being a nanny to a child. Hoseok had laughed along though it made his chest hurt more.

Kihyun was his best friend and has been since high school. Now Hoseok’s in his third year of college and Kihyun in his second, and Hoseok can’t risk loosing the younger. It’d literally probably shut him down.  So he forces himself to act normal and get to class on time. He maybe should have stayed in bed with the pain blooming in his chest but he can’t. He can’t miss another class and fail the one class he desperately wants to keep.

“Your eyes are weird today.” Hyunwoo points out at lunch. Hoseok had expertly avoided everyone until they gathered in the cafeteria. Hoseok blinks but knows it won’t help. 

“Are you wearing contacts?” Changkyun asks as he shoves Jooheon away from his tray of food. “Thought you had twenty-twenty, hyung.”

“Colored contacts are a trend right now. The color suits him.”  Kihyun is smiling next to Hoseok. And all Hoseok wants to do is leave the table and retreat back to his room. Maybe take a walk to try to get his chest to clear a bit.

He opens his mouth to say something and no sound comes out. Only a dry wheeze makes it out of his mouth and he starts coughing violently. It suddenly felt like his lungs were rapidly deflating faster than they could inflate.

Kihyun and Hyungwon both patted him on the back thinking he’d just swallowed something wrong. Hoseok could barely make out Kihyun asking if he was sick. The coughing was loud and he’s grateful the cafeteria was mostly empty today. It was spring and the students usually ate outside or off campus. Him and his friends were the only people that actually even liked the school food.

Hoseok shakes his head but that doesn’t help and he clutches his chest. The pain had shot through his entire chest cavity and he can feel his head start to swim, having to blink rapidly to try to clear his vision a bit.

“Oh God!” 

Suddenly the table is in an absolute uproar and Hoseok is confused as to why. That is until he looks down and his stomach churns at the site. There’s black oozing through the thin material of his sweater. He’s leaking oil now and everything feels too heavy. He can’t move to cover the growing black stain and he starts to tear up. This is not how he wanted them to find out. Not when his insides were literally trying to come outside.

He figures all the coughing had tore something and he can taste his mouth filling with the oil as well and he sputters through a cough. The oil in his mouth gets all over his tray of food and it looks like something from a horror movie.

He can see Kihyun’s lips moving but can’t hear anything he’s saying. And then suddenly he’s falling backwards and the pain becomes too much so he closes his eyes against the suddenly blinding light and doesn’t open them again.

 

He blinks his eyes open and they feel like sand is caught under his eyelids. He blearily looks around and can hear a weird beeping along with a low crying sound. The walls and the ceiling of the room he’s in is an off cream color and he automatically recognizes it as the on campus clinic. He has had to help teammates back here when they sprained something or got injured.

There’s a hand on his back and he’s being helped to sit up. His throat feels raw when he swallows but at least he doesn’t taste the oil anymore. Though he mourns the loss of the sweater as he can see how big the black stain had gotten.

“How do you feel?” A woman is asking and Hoseok can’t really focus on the owner of the voice.

“I-I,” He coughs and his lungs feel a little better compared to earlier. He realizes the beeping is coming from the machine he’s hooked up to. “Weird.” Is the only way to describe it.

“You’ll need to stay here for the night. Your heart valve had come loose somehow and it filled everything with oil. We drained it and had a technician repair the valve.” Hoseok looked down and could see the bump under the sweater and over his heart. It was definitely a pump of some sort and Hoseok felt dizzy again looking at it.

“All the coughing only loosened is even more. You’re lucky your friends brought you here. You could have died.” Her voice is soft compared to the crying going on in the background. Hoseok looks around the nurse for the source of the noise. And kind of wishes he hadn’t.

All of his friends are sitting in the little waiting area on the other side of the room. It’s Kihyun that’s crying, face in his hands and face hidden in Hyunwoo’s shoulder. This is definitely not how Kihyun should have found out.

“I’m going to go get you some supplements. Don’t leave the bed or the room.”  And then the nurse was gone and Hoseok was left with nothing but his weeping friends and the sound of the annoying machine next to the bed. He knows he should say something, anything, but what can he say to them now? It’s too late for any sort of excuses.

“I was so scared.” It’s Changkyun that talks first. His low voice sounds strained and even from across the room Hoseok can tell the youngest has been crying. Hoseok’s glad at least his eyes are still in working order.

“I’m sorry.” Hoseok’s own voice is gravelly and sounds horrendous. This all really and it hurt that Kihyun looked so upset. It hurt even more that none of his friends would even look at him. Probably horrified by the scene in the cafeteria.

It’s quiet again until Kihyun moves to stand up and Hoseok finally really gets a look at him. His eyes are almost swollen shut and red around the rims. His nose is bright red from probably blowing it. He looks so tired and so sad and it just hurts.

Kihyun said nothing as he headed for the door and then walked out when the nurse came back. From there the others slowly left as well without saying anything else to Hoseok. It felt like his heart was messing up again and the pain was coming back. But the machines were steadily beeping and there was nothing actually wrong with him at the moment. Except for the first time in his life he’s heart broken. It’s a very harrowing feeling and he starts crying.

The nurse just pats his back and tells him to relax before he blows another valve. But Hoseok’s entire world just ended and he doesn’t know how to restart it.

 

Hoseok locked himself in his room after his meeting with the dean and the head master. He had requested a break for at least a week, go home and try to recuperate better. See his mother and his own doctor again. Not that he didn’t trust the staff here but he trusted his private doctor more.

But they refused to give him the time off. He had explained the situation and even the nurse that had been helping him testified on his behalf. But the dean said he had already missed too much school as is and it’s test week. He’d fail. So he said never mind and filed to drop out. He didn’t care to continue getting a degree that meant nothing anyways because androids can’t get real jobs. It’s all been pointless and he’s overwhelmed.

He has no friends left or at least he thinks he doesn’t. No one has talked to him since they found out what he really was and Hoseok hadn’t seen Kihyun once. And he’s bitter about it. Even if Kihyun hated what he was they were still best friends. Kihyun should have at least come to check on him when he was in the clinic. Kihyun could have at least texted him back. Hoseok’s not proud that he begged Kihyun to come see him.

But Kihyun never did and no one is going to care if he leaves now. So he starts to pack in complete silence. He starts with his books and separates the ones for school. At least he can sell them and make a little money. He avoids packing up the pictures hung on the wall or the stuffed animals on the chair in the corner. They hurt to look at and Hoseok wanted to avoid them until the last minute. They just reminded him of the friends that he lost.

His mother had sounded distraught but supportive of Hoseok leaving. She was like a second mother to Kihyun and she was so sad about what happened. It’d be good to go home but even his house is filled with Kihyun and the constant reminder of what Hoseok really is.

Maybe he really is the monster media tends to make androids out to be. Maybe he really is made to serve and be quiet and lonely forever and never have friends in the first place. This had all been a big lie, on his part at least, and it’s all his fault.

So he slows down packing as his eyes water again. His chest hurts but it’s not because of a faulty part or a broken valve. The nurse from the clinic had solemnly told him his Emotion Processor had taken damage as well as his heart. She described it being the robotic equivalent of heart break. Turns out heart break ing hurts a lot if this is any indication.

Hoseok slumps to the floor, amongst the boxes and the bags of his belongings. He’s a little mad now that he thinks and tries to work through all the emotions raging inside him.

At least his so called friends could have shown any sign that they cared about his well being. They’ve known each other for a long time and this really drove a nail into Hoseok’s already weak heart. Then he gets an idea on how to possibly mend even a fraction of his malfunctioning heart.

 

He readjusts the armful of the stuffed animals, all the ones from his friends, and the pictures in his hands. He doesn’t need these things anymore and he’s definitely not bringing them home. It’d only hurt him everyday and that’s not healthy even for an android.

He easily finds his friends in the library. They’re laughing and making a ruckus and Hoseok is angry. They’re happy without him. They’re actually happy and doing okay while he’s shutting down. His head aches and his chest hurts and he sees red swimming into his vision.

None of them see him approaching until he dumps everything on the table they’re at. The laughing slowly comes to a halt as everyone looks up at him. Hoseok’s eyes are dark black, he caught a glimpse of them this morning. He knows now that it means his heart is slowly dying and there’s nothing his body can do to stop it. 

“What’s this for?” Minhyuk asks and he looks surprised to see Hoseok. Maybe everyone thought he had died and didn’t even care to find out otherwise. That’s all it takes for the anger to set in fully and his fists to clench at his sides. He’s never wanted to punch any of them before as much as he wants to now.

“I’m leaving school.” His voice is flat and has no tone. His voice had used to be airy and bright and medium pitched. Higher pitched when he laughed. But this new voice is plain and sounds more robotic than he would have liked. He gives them no time to talk before he’s continuing, anger making his lungs hurt more.

“ing s.” He’s never really been one to curse out loud and it even takes him aback. “Do you understand that I almost died?!” His voice gets louder as he yells. And the more angry he gets the more he shouts. This part of the library is empty because no one likes the dim lights and the dingy carpets. Hoseok’s thankful.

“You!” Hoseok slams a hand down on the table between Hyunwoo and Kihyun. “My best friend doesn’t even care that I’m sick. You don’t even care i’m dying.” Hoseok retracts his hand to grab his chest again. “My heart,” He stutters and takes a step back. Kihyun looks terrified and this is not what Hoseok wanted at all.

“My heart i-is dying and you’re laughing.”

It’s bitter and Hoseok feels the tears rolling down his cheeks. This feels worse than when his valve broke and the ensuing pain kicked in. This hurt worse than having someone literally pump oil out of his chest and coughing for hours afterwards. All alone in a cold room with no one to talk to even they wanted to talk to him anymore.

He feels a few gears skip in his chest and it almost brings him to his knees. He catches himself on a nearby chair and just wants to go home. This was a huge mistake. He should have just left the things in his room to be disposed of when he was gone.

“H-hoseok.” Kihyun’s voice is small and he sounds so scared. Hoseok had scared him and he really feels like a monster now. He had upset his best friend and Hoseok knows the younger deserves it but it still hurts a lot.

“Don’t.” Hoseok puts his free hand up to stop Kihyun when he starts to advance towards him. He doesn’t want Kihyun anywhere near him yet he wants him in his arms and it makes his heart stutter more.

“W-what do you mean,” Kihyun stops trying to advance but still looks like he wants to go to Hoseok. Kihyun continues, “Your heart is d-dying?” 

Everyone else at the table stands up as well in case anything happens and Hoseok can’t stand to look at any of them. It hurts his stomach to see their concerned faces now that it was far too late for that from them. 

“It’s malfunctioning.” To actually say it out loud made it feel too real. And Hoseok can’t stop the sob that works it’s way out of his throat. “I-I’m gonna die.” And he is. That’s the harsh reality of it all. If his artificial heart quits working fully he’s done for. They can’t replace it with a new one because that’d kill him too. It’s a paradox.

Kihyun looks stricken and he moves towards Hoseok again. The older doesn’t try to stop him this time. He just keeps a hand pressed to his chest and a fist at his side. He has to stop himself from flinching when Kihyun touches his arm.

“N-No. Hoseok n-no, you can’t.”

“Too late.”

And maybe it isn’t but Hoseok believes it is. The damage is done at this point and even if things get better his heart is damaged forever. Because his best friend, the love of his entire life, left him. Left him alone and sick and breaking bit by bit. 

“I-it can’t be.” Kihyun is crying just as much as Hoseok is, if not a little more. He moves his hand to the side of Hoseok’s cheek but retracts it. Hoseok is burning to the touch because everything inside him is overheating from the overwhelming sadness filling him to the brim.

Hoseok sobs and it hurts everywhere. He doubles over and rests his head on Kihyun’s shoulder. “I-i’m sorry.” The tears roll into Hoseok’s mouth and they taste awful. He’s crying oil and that really can’t be good. It means even his tear ducts are protesting. The tears start to stain Kihyun’s white cardigan and Hoseok tries to pull away. 

“N-no!” Kihyun sounds angry but Hoseok can hear the clear desperation behind the anger. “Y-you aren’t gonna die. My dad... my dad will pay to fix you. I-I can fix it, please.”

The others are still at the table, Hoseok can see them. They look just as heart broken as Kihyun sounds and it’s hard to look at. They’re all crying too and Hoseok never wanted any of this to happen.

“I-it hurts a lot.” Hoseok says and brings Kihyun’s hand to his chest. Hoseok can feel the irregular beating under his skin and the moments that the gears stutter against each other. It’s a miserable, sinking feeling that washes over him. 

“Y-you broke my heart and I-I hate you, Kihyun.” There’s no real bite behind the words. Hoseok’s voice had gone a lot quieter now because he didn’t want to frighten them any more than he already has and his throat hurts. “I-I love you but y-you ing hurt me. Everything is failing.” This is all the younger’s fault but Hoseok feels guilty for putting it all on him.

“I-I’m so s-sorry. Please.” Kihyun sounds so desperate and Hoseok can hear his breathing pick up. Kihyun is scared but not of Hoseok. He’s scared of loosing Hoseok and that’s a very sobering feeling. Hoseok hugs the younger around the waist and pulls their bodies close.

They both just cry into each other’s embrace and everything still hurts. But at least the tears seem to be returning to normal, a little progress. He’s never cried this much nor was he aware he even could. 

“Please, Hoseok.” Kihyun death grips the back of Hoseok’s hoodie and buries his face in the taller’s neck. “We can fix it. I-I can fix it somehow.” And Hoseok doesn’t doubt Kihyun would sell everything or give anything to help Hoseok get better. But Hoseok doesn’t think it’ll be that simple.

It’s quiet save for the very quiet whirring happening inside Hoseok’s chest. It sounds much like a cat purring and it vibrates against Kihyun, the younger getting as close as possible. “I’m so sorry.” Kihyun whispers and shakes as he sobs again. Hoseok holds him and tries not to fall apart too much either.

 

Kihyun had gone with him to see his doctor. It was a very rushed appointment and the doctor was quick to clear his schedule. This was a real emergency and Hoseok still felt like he was teetering on the edge of being alive and just dropping dead.

Hoseok’s mother has rushed over as well and she was silently crying to herself in the corner. Kihyun was holding her hand and Hoseok tried to smile at him but couldn’t.

Dr. Kim had to force open his chest cavity to get a look at everything. It was gross and Hoseok wanted to spare them from having to see any of this. The doctor’s hands inside him didn’t hurt but it felt intrusive and uncomfortable.

“Well, good news.” Dr. Kim says as he closes Hoseok’s back up. It’s seamless and quick and there’s a definite click that can be heard. “You won’t die from this. It’s reversible with time and rest and support.”

Hoseok wants to chuckle, if he could. He had honestly thought he was going to die and made a huge scene and scared everyone even more and now he feels a little dumb. 

“I’m going to pump fresh oil into your system and that should help tremendously.” Dr. Kim moved over to remove his gloves and scrub his hands. Hoseok’s mom sighs and gets up to stand next to him.

“Thank god!” She leans down to kiss Hoseok on the forehead and she looked so genuinely relieved. She was red in the face and sweating from her brisk walk to the hospital from work. 

From there it’s a lot of people coming in and out of the room to hook him up to machines and unfortunately Hoseok’s mother has to leave. She has to get back to work and left specific instructions for Kihyun to call her if anything happens.

When everyone leaves the room, everything hooked up to it’s proper place, Kihyun approaches the bed. He looks worn out but is smiling a little through it. Hoseok smiles a little back and reaches for the younger. Kihyun sits on the edge of the bed Hoseok’s on and squeezes his hand tightly. 

“Y-you scared me.” 

“I thought you hated me.”

“Never. You’re my best friend. I was a huge .” 

Hoseok couldn’t help smiling more and leaning forward to pull Kihyun’s face close to his. “Can I kiss you, Kihyun? Please.” Hoseok knows it’s a risky move and he doesn’t know when he started liking Kihyun but it happened. And maybe that’s why it tore his insides apart when the younger ignored him.

Kihyun just nods and leans in to start the kiss. It’s awkward but nice and quick. Kihyun pulls back but puts his forehead against Hoseok’s to just look into his eyes. “Your eyes aren’t black anymore.” Kihyun points out and a machine beeps loudly in the room. It’s signaling that the the oil pumping into him is done and shortly after a nurse comes in to remove all the tubing.

Kihyun keeps his face against Hoseok’s and it’s comforting. Because it hurts a little when the nurse removes the line running directly into his heart. Also, Kihyun doesn’t need to see the gross parts of all of this.

“How are the others?” Hoseok asks because he’s worried. He feels bad for being dramatic and making everyone around him upset over apparently nothing for now. 

“Scared. I texted Hyungwon that you were okay. I was so scared.” Kihyun admits and closes his eyes. He starts crying again and this time Hoseok reaches up to wipe the tears away. Hoseok doesn’t cry but his eyes sting a little.

“Me too.”

“I love you, Shin Hoseok. But if you ever do that again I will kill you myself.” Kihyun chuckles and Hoseok’s heart is doing back flips in his chest out of happiness. Kihyun just confessed to him and Hoseok is confused but delighted by it. 

Hoseok doesn’t say it back but he does pull Kihyun in for a deeper kiss this time around. He’s not gonna miss this chance and he’s gonna do that whenever he can which is hopefully the rest of their lives together. However long that might be.

Hopefully it’s an eternity before he has to feel his heart stop again.