The dark night getting more solemn every minute. The cold wind from winter still blew strongly under her nose eventhough it's already near spring. Her red eyes and nose keep watering. She determined to take her meds when she got home and straight to sleep. But right now she need to keep filming till it finish. Being a professional means she had to sacrifice a lot of things including her health.

Long day at work made her feet wombly. She felt sore all over her body. Running Man just getting serious every episodes. Her mental and physics got challenge every week and her body just getting weaker and weaker because of age. Yep, she can't deny it anymore that biological clock is ticking. And it's getting louder and louder asked for attention.

It's not about getting married or having children like her family always said to her. Or like everybody else said to her. At this stage of life, at this point of time, she couldn't care less.

Her heart already broken into pieces long ago. But not because of circumstances, or somebody. She's crash it with her own hands, by the decision she made months even years ago.

How's that happen again? She couldn't remember. She felt numb everytime the memory comes alive in her mind. But the numb came with another feelings. Is it sadness? No. It's more likely a regret.

Yes. Everytime she remember Gary, she regrets everything that ever happen to them.  

That night felt different, she knew. But she didn't know how she knew. She just knew. A feeling she can't describe. It bothers her but she decided to ignore it like she used to. She came home with a heavy heart and tired body. After put everything on its place, she took her meds and went shower. A long hot shower will help her clean all her mind from worry and hecticness.

It always worked. After shower she felt more ease and light. Although the pain in her heart still lingered. The regrets is always there. She doesn't how how to deal with it. Can she ignore it forever? Or does she need another man to mend this broken heart? To make it go away and never comeback. To bury it deep in the ocean of stories of her early thirty. To make it leave her life for good.

She didn't know how but her warm tears flow again to her cheeks. Why can she just let it go? Will she ever pass a night without crying for him?

Ever since she heard about the sudden marriage news she never through a night without shed some tears. People thought when they watched her in Running Man all these years that she is strong and powerful woman. But she just as weak as anybody else. As fragile as anybody else.

It shook her through her core so much she asked her manager that day to took a day off. She couldn't believe it when she heard it. She thought it was just a prank. But it wasn't. How come someone like him pull some cheap lie like that. No. He's not that kind a man.
But just to give her another shock and disapointment, she wasn't alone. The fact that nobody see that coming. Nobody. Even his closest friend knew nothing about it. That additional confusion just effected her worse.

After he change his number, no one can reach him. Including her. Did he really shut them all out? Or just because he need to shut her out, he had to do it to the other as well? Well, that's the question that only him can answer.
That's not fair for her. But it was never fair for him too.
After he left the program, she just kept wasting time with ignoring him. Ignoring her own feelings and mind that they could probably try again. That they could start over for real. That they could step up together for a new beginning. But she were wrong. Time never belong to her in the first place. So many questions lingered in her mind but she will leave them unanswered.

Is he really change that fast?

Is he really change that much?

If only she had more time. She will make it right. She will make him hers.

The clock shows 11.15 PM. She need to get it over with and sleep. But she couldn't sleep. Somehow something is not right.

"Riiiing!"

The door bell rang suddenly. Feel too tired to stand and look, she ignored it. Who come in the middle of the night anyway. She need to rest and her eyes were just too puffy to welcome a guest. But the visitor just do not receive a no as an answer. The door just keep ringing and ringing annoying her. Taking a deep breath she let anger consumed her. She doesn't care how she look like right now. All she wanted is to kick the guest's and take a rest. Whoever they are, they came in a very wrong time.

She opened her door in a blast ready to shout when she saw a familiar figure standing in front of her. His head down and his hat cover his face. His right hand holding the wall, steady his body. His left hand holding a bottle. He didn't wear a jacket in that cold weather. Gosh, she knew that tattoo...

"Jihyo-ah..." Kang Hee Gun brought his head up to look at her. Shocked, she can see his red eyes and cheeks. He was drunk. Very drunk. opened to say something but nothing could come out. Who will ever imagine Kang Gary whom she loved, she missed, whom already got married and has a wife of some-nobody could stand in front of her apartment and drunk. She just lost her mind. Or probably dreaming? Yes. She definetly dreaming. She already sleeping and all of this just happen in her head. This 'substance' right here is just a mere of memory of him.

But then the reality crash when that substance collapse on her. Then she realized it wasn't only a dream. This man over here is real. Drunken Kang Gary fell into her arms. Can't hold it anymore, she shook him out of his senses.

"Yah! Oppa! What are you doing here??" she called him. Have his strengh back a little he try to stand but his legs gave up.
"Jihyo-ah, listen to me first..." he managed to say out of drunkeness. Having no options Jihyo held him and slowly took him in. With great effort she finally drop him on the sofa. She looked down to powerless Gary who couldn't even open his eyes properly. She kneeled beside him.
"You can't be here oppa, " she said "You can't just barge in just like that!"
He doesn't move but just keep mumbling her name. "Listen to me Jihyo-ah---"
"No! You listen to me! " she told him firmly. Did not care he catch on or not."This is not your place. You wife will be worried sick looking for you!" she said painfully.
Gary scoffed. Oddly. Still couldn't open his eyes he slowly said

"I don't love her ..."

"What?!"

"I said I don't love her!" he repeated with louder voice. He now looked at her goggled eyes. HIs fiery eyes. His honest-to-God eyes, looking at her try to find some forgiveness. But Jihyo could not let herself be in his game.
"What are saying oppa??" she frustrated. "Stop that nonsense and tell me who I can call to pick you up??"
She started to look for his phone on his pocket but tanked Gary catch her wrist and pull her down to his face. His eyes find hers again.

"You just cry, did you?" he asked weakly. Jihyo was too startled to move. The proximity between them make her hold her breath.
"Is it because of me?" he asked again, now with concern eyes."You cry because of me, Jihyo-ah??" Jihyo could not take it anymore. She took her hand from him, disgust.
"Shut up!" she said roughly. "I'm not crying and certainly not crying for you!"

Gary, who seems to be awake completely now still fix his eyes on her while trying to sit upright. They hold their gaze to each other and did not move. Jihyo refused to look away because she doesn't want him to know that he's right.
Gary give in and let his face fall to his chest.

"I'm sorry..."

And then he cried.

He cover his face and crying out loud."Mianhae...mian...mian..."

Did not expect this Jihyo kneel down to his level try take his hands off his face. Without knowing her tear drop as well. Seing he cried make her felt his pain too. Eventhough she doesn't know why he cried.

"Oppa, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" she stop pursuing him to leave. Her dejection to this man turn into concerned. She need to calm him down. She ran to take some water but once again Gary hold her wrist and pulled her down and hug her tightly.
"Mianhaeyo Jihyo-ah. Please forgive oppa..." he said while buried his crying face on her shoulder. Jihyo stay still and couldn't move. He just keep holding her tight and sobbing hard.

Can't escape from this sitution, Jihyo just given up. She put her arms around Gary and hold him back. Oh how she missed this. To be in his arms again. She caress his back try to soothe him. It hurts her a lot seing him like this.

"I'll forgive you oppa" she found her lost voice. " I will forgive you no matter what..."

She kept him and mumbling sweet noting into his ears. Trying to impart her warmness to this cold soul. Slowly his crying subsided and he let her go. His face was a mess. He was crying like a child. Her heart twinged.
She touch his face and wipe his tears. She held his face and brought it up to her eyes. With puffy eyes just like hers, he sees her.

"I am a loser..." he whispered. If they weren't so close Jihyo wouldn't hear him.

"You're not oppa..." she said automaticly. How come he could think like that. "You're not a loser."

"I am... when I lose you..." he said and his face down again. "I had you...but now I lose you..."

Concealed it from everybody, Gary and Jihyo did date briefly before. But then they let the situation and ego get in the way of the relationship. The condition became so bad until Gary decided to leave the show. They made up before it's too late. But fear for another broke up Jihyo keep ignored Gary's attempt to comeback to her. And now both of them left with regret.

"I don't want anybody else but you..." he continued with broken voice. "But then I made another mistake..." Jihyo silently listening.
"She was a mistake Jihyo-ah..." he took her hands and put them on his chest. "I never meant to..." Jihyo let her hands feel his beating heart. It sync perfectly with her own heart."

"That's why I keep it from everybody. Because I'm not proud of what I did. She was two months long when she came to me. I can't --" he choked on his own tears. Jihyo now can feel his pain completely.
"Please forgive me for shutting you out all this time. I just couldn't face you. "
Jihyo's vow of silence make Gary looked at her again.

"Will you fogive me?"
Jihyo wanna say something, but she lost words.

"Please forgive oppa who betrayed you Jihyo-ah.."

"It's not really my call, oppa..." she said finaly. Taken a back of what her say.

"What do you mean?" he said."I love you. You know I love you. " She knew he does.

"I really can't say---"

"For once Jihyo-ah " he hold her hands tightly try to deliver his words. He looked at her eyes with determination. "Be honest to yourself. Be honest to me..."

"Don't you ever love me?"

"Mongji-ah...?"

I always love you, oppa, she thought. But she can't say that.

She looked away. Afraid that her thought can be read easily by him. Her expression just giving all away. She feel he touch her chin and make her look at him. Her tears betrayed her over and over again.

"Say it...say you never love me..."

She just couldn't hold it anymore. After weeks of uncertainty. Days of sore eyes. Hours of pain. All of it become unbearable. Her wall of defence just fall apart in front of the guy who made her build it in the first place.

"Oppa, I ---"

But she never had a chance to say anything more. Her breath stop when Gary closed the gap between them. Air on her lungs exploded leaving her breathless in the hands of Kang Gary who kissed her like there's no tomorrow.

Gary decided to let her instinc answered him. He kissed her deeply with his strong arms surrounded her fragile figure. How is this even happen? How come she let him overpowered her with his whole body? How in the world that she let this man of another woman take control of all of her?

She pushed him off her. She broke the connection between them abruptly and panting. Both lose their breath for a moment. And when Gary find his courage again, he pull her again who still in his arms.

"Say that you don't love me Mongji-ah..."

She can't. Because that's not the truth. She loves him with every particle in her body. But she also can't say her true feelings to this taken man. Her frantic brain fight with her hungry heart. They have been fighting for so many rounds. And she always let her common sense won.

But now her heart battered, crumbled and smashed into pieces. If she let it keep happening, she won't have any heart left. Will she really make herself become a heartless woman? Or will she give it one more chance to heal? One more chance to become whole again. And now irony told her that the one who crash her heart into pieces is the one who can put it all together.

Can she just let this go for once?

Can she just give herself a break?

Can she just let her heart show her true feelings, her desire and needs?

And when she didn't realize, she had fallen even deeper.
She can't help herself. Nobody can safe themselves from drowning. The sweet taste of his mouth already decided for her. She breathe his air for her own sanity. Her needs to have him all for herself overclouded her common sense that knocking. His presence make her forget everything.

She wants to be happy. Even just for once. Even if she had to owe an apology to the third party. Yes, that woman is just a third party. Because the lead roles are them. Them, who now already on their way to their sinful night.

They drowning in love and lust. If only they can, they wanted to keep drowning. As long as they are together, death doesn't seem scary at all.

The dim light from her bedroom become the only witness of their guilty pleasure. That one time when both let themselves visit heaven. Heaven that they once threw away.

"I love you..."

...

The chirping sound from birds outside window can be heard clearly on the living room. It means spring just arrive. New season just come to say hello. Unfortunately winter love have to say goodbye.

She stood by the kitchen island when he went out of her bedroom. They locked eyes. He walked slowly aproaching her, but she raised her hand stop him. She had decided.

"Don't..."

She can see hurt on his eyes. It hurts her more. She hope he can see the same from her eyes. That thing crushing him is crushing her too.

"Don't ever coming back"

Her sound loud and clear. Cold as ice and sharp like a knife. Last night was just a memory that they needed to bury deep within. Along with their love.

And Gary nodded. He understand. He looked at singing bird outside and smiled.

"I hope we both can be as happy as that birds. In this life. Or in another."

It's time to deal with the vicious reality instead of living in a dream. A cruel reality who striked as soon as they open their eyes that morning and every morning after that. They have to live in the fact that they are not together not because of fate. But because they made that choice.
...
Sometimes fate already give you all the clue you needed. But it depends on you want to take it or not. Because it's always comes down to us to decide.
Don't try to blame destiny for what you have choose. The options already on your hands from the beginning.

....
All I ask is
If this is my last night with you
Hold me like I'm more than just a friend
Give me a memory I can use
Take me by the hand while we do what lovers do
It matters how this ends
Cause what if I never love again?

PS: So this is not what I thought about Gary's marriage. It's just a story that one night popped out. And this is totally not a speculation.
But this is my real thought about him. Yes I am disapointed on him. Not because he didn't marry Jihyo, but because how he treated his friends. I can't look up to someone who doesn't value friendship. Who doesn't honoring a relationship. But let just say, let him be. It's his personal life anyway.
Last but not least sorry for typo and grammatical error.