"You don't have to do this."

"I don't have a choice."

What is a choice? An act of selecting or making a decision when faced with two or more possibilities? That's what Google will tell you. But that's not what I will tell you. A choice is not a decision. A choice is not 'an act.' A choice is a curse. A sin. You make a wrong turn and suddenly you're left all alone in the dark. There's no turning back.

Once you've made your final turn, there is no left or right. There is no north, no south. There is only straight. Straight to darkness. Straight to pain. Straight to hell. There are no 'bumpy roads.' There's nothing. No obstacles, no anything. Everything bad that happens to you is all just part of the smooth road to death.

You can't make your own path, either. You can't just pick up a shovel and grind your way through the tangled forest. You'll make your own path to find nothing. There won't be anything. At least in the path to hell there is a destination. In your own path, there is no destination. There is no resolution. There's only death, and even that isn't satisfying.

So when someone tells me yes you did have a choice I can do nothing but think of the one straight path with no left or right and no north or south that I had been mindlessly following since I was conceived. Even if I did have a choice, what could I do with it? I can barely get my life together now. So what makes you think I could do anything else with it? Even if I wanted it, I couldn't afford it. 

And at this point, it's almost okay. It's fine, It's alright. A person like me? Nobody cares. Could I even call myself a person? Am I even human? Can I classify myself as homo sapien? I don't think I can. Any living human would be born with a choice. A split path. A left or right, a north or south. All I ever had was straight. I don't think I am human after all.

Say I did have a choice. Heck, let's say I have a choice now. A choice to make my life better. A choice to turn myself around 180 degrees and start all over. Who would support me through it? There is no one. I have no one. No one to support me. No one to catch my fall. No one to hold my back. I would try, but I would fail. That's just who I am. I have no other destiny. I can't change fate. Fate exists for a reason. And fate tells me that even if I did try, it wouldn't work.

I've heard of the myth. The myth of the red string. It's attached to the pinky of every human and at the other end of it is your fated one. But like I said, I can't classify myself as human. I just can't. Even if I had my own red string, I doubt it'd lead to anybody. It'd probably be cut, dim with no light. No life. I wonder, if these strings are real, would they reflect your soul? Not that you would know.

You want to help, I understand. I understand, but I wish you'd understand. You want to help, but you simply can not help. I am not someone you can help. I am not someone who can change. I am not a someone. I am a nobody. An alien. I don't belong. I don't belong in this world, or any other world. Everywhere I go I'll only be an alien. But you're not an alien. You're a human. If you're going to help someone, go help yourself. Don't come to these parts of the world anymore. You don't belong here. I am an alien in your human world, and you are a human to my alien world. 

Thank you for trying, though. Thank you for caring. For someone like me, there's no one out there anymore that cares. But you're always there. You're always trying to hear me out. You're always trying to get something from me. I thank you, but I'm sorry to tell you you'll never get anything out of me. You'll never hear anything from me. There's nothing to take; there's nothing to hear.

With this, I ask you to go. Leave me alone. I love you dearly for always being there for me but you do not belong. I do not belong. Go, live your life. I've tried to live mine, but there's nothing left to it but death. I ask you to please, stop trying. Don't waste your own life trying to get mine back. Mine is over, and I have accepted that. So it's okay to give up. It's fine if you raise your hands in surrender and just stop trying. I'm done. I'm over.

I'm done.

Sincerely,

Bomi.