Love.

I will never understand what love really is.

Was it love when I first saw Sehun across the practice room, looking like he would faint. Was it love when I was blown away at the amount of determination he showed because he wanted to debut.

Was it love when he surprised me by bringing ramen and we ate it in secret because I wasn't allowed to eat Ramen but I was craving for it.

Was it love when I would burst with pride when he sent me a text about exo's first win and how he thought they couldn't win at all.

Was it love when my heart broke when he cried in front of me because of all the hate that he couldn't take. Was it love when he would try making jokes when he saw me crying too.

Was it love when he was more happy than I was when I finally was given the chance to debut.

Was it love when he told me that he wanted to be more than a friend and asked me if I could wait. Was it love when I agreed in a heart beat.

Was it love when my heart felt like it would burst at all the little things he did. Was it love when he spent the night with me and didn't want to let me go because he didn't know when we could have  moment like this again. Was it love when he would stare and not sleep the entire night and how I had to pretend I didn't know but I couldn't sleep too.

Was it love when he would surprise me at my birthday even if he was too busy and tired because of his work.

Was it love when I would be too happy than I let on when he would remember all the tiny details such as the date when we first met each other even though he was bad at remembering dates in general.

Was it love when I felt like I couldn't breathe whenever he called me by name.

Was it love when I felt like the happiest girl in the world whenever I saw him smile. Was it love when I could talk to him on phone all night even though I had a schedule the next day and I would get scolded for the dark circles but I didn't care because his voice was my strength.

Was it love when sehun felt like home. Was it love when it felt empty without him.

 Was it love when I got upset that he forgot our date because he was busy with interviews and photoshoots. Was it love when I forgave him in a heartbeat when he sent me flowers with a "Seulgi, I'm sorry. I'm the biggest idiot in the whole world" card.

Was it love  when I got used to the canceled dates and rare phone calls because we both were busy with our careers.

Was it love when my heart broke because it was his birthday and he wasn't answering his phone but I saw sns posts of his party which he forgot to tell me. Was it love when we fought about it later and he didn't even try mending things like he did before.

Was it love when Sehun stopped calling and all I heard about him were from media outlets and it made me proud but I still cried.

Was it love when the only time we would meet each other we're at award shows and how it pained her when they would act like strangers. Was it love when I realized that they were becoming strangers. Was it love when I still waited like he asked me to.

Was it love when I realized both of us were changing. Was it love when I realized that our relationship was changing, our distances were increasing and I could do nothing about it. I realized he wasn't willing to take the risk for us and I didn't want to be a wall which comes between him and success.

Was it love when Irene told me that breaking up was the only right thing to do was was it love when I realized she was right.

Was it love when Sehun cried asking me not to end this and if I could wait a bit longer, he would announce our relationship. Was it love when I realized I would sacrifice our relationship instead of ruining his career over us. Was it love when I lied to him that I was in love with someone else and it's already too late and he looked broken and how I felt like I would die when I saw him in so much pain and how I wanted to tell him it was a lie but it had to be done. For him.

Was it love when I realized how we never admitted  that we "loved" each other. Was it love when I realized what love meant and how he was my meaning of love,my own version and how badly I wanted to say those words now but it was too late and I couldn't do anything about it.

It was love when I watched him slowly move on from this relationship. It was love when I watched him fall in love with  someone else. It hurt me but I was happy for him. It was love when I started to accept their relationship because she gave him everything that I couldn't. It was love when I squealed when I heard that he announced his dating news to the public. Somehow he was willing to take the risk for her, but he wasn't ready for me. It was love when I realized I couldn't move on. Maybe I should've tried holding on to him but he was already gone before I could reach him.

I remember how we would hide in the terrace and talk about ridiculous stuff when we were still trainees. I remember Sehun telling me how he wanted to have wings so he could fly away with me. But the thing was, he did find wings. He flew to places he couldn't even imagine, found  love, achieved things that were now marked in the history but sadly I couldn't fly with him. Now, I only have one question left. Did he love me?