March 2017

If there is one thing Kim Kibum is not, it’s weak. Right now, however, he feels very vulnerable. He pockets the small card with his next appointment and instead finds his phone to check if he has any text messages. There is an apology from Jonghyun who has had to cancel their date and Kibum bites his lower lip before he answers quickly.

He doesn’t want to be alone, though. It would allow him to think about the news he has just gotten and he doesn’t want to think about them. Maybe he’s still a little shocked. This isn’t something he had ever expected to hear, the words from the doctor’s lips so foreign to him it had almost been gibberish.

“The biopsy showed malignant tissue. I have scheduled you for a PET/CT-scan in two days to see how far the cancer has spread.”

Kibum knew he had lost weight without reason. He knew he should have gone to the doctor the moment he had noticed but he had been too busy and had written it off as stress.

When he had gone to the ER for pain in his upper abdomen he had expected a virus infection, not a CT scan he had postponed once or twice. It was all to no avail, however, with how the doctor had told him in clear words that he has cancer. Kibum doesn’t think the PET/CT-scan is needed but he hasn’t dared look at his wrist.

He doesn’t want the verdict of his disease. Not yet.

He looks at the people passing by before he decides to call Minjung to see if she is at home. When she answers her phone, Kibum takes a deep breath at her voice. It’s calming in a way it shouldn’t be.

The two of them are a strange couple, a mystery according to most and a disgrace according to her parents. They both know that she doesn’t have any desire for all the smart, rich men her mother sets her up with, however, and they both know that he has no desire for other girls than her.

“Kibum?” she asks and Kibum chuckles a little. “Why are you calling? Aren’t you supposed to be with Jonghyun today?”

Kibum nods a little before he realizes she can’t see him.

“Ah, yes, but he had to cancel. What are you doing?”

It’s not rare that Jonghyun has to cancel a date. They never really fought because of it because Kibum understands. None of them are from a respected area like Minjung and they both work hard to get food on the table, Jonghyun harder than Kibum.

Jonghyun is also on the right side of the law. He’s not like Kibum who steals from the people he gets in contact with, cheats whenever he can.

It’s not that Kibum is a pickpocket, not anymore, but there are more refined ways of committing crimes and he has taught himself how to live in a world that cares little.

“Oh,” Minjung says and pauses. Kibum can almost hear his heartbeat over the loud traffic on the main road as he leaves the hospital behind. “My mom has planned a blind date at 7, but I can come over until if you want me to?”

Kibum nods again before he realizes that she really cannot see him over the phone.

“That would be amazing,” he says before he hangs up.

The walk back to his apartment is long and Minjung is probably going to arrive before him. He doesn’t like that she’s in his neighbourhood but Minjung refuses to meet up elsewhere. There’s a certain thrill to it, according to her.

Kibum has almost forgotten the potentially fatal disease when he reaches home. Just like he has predicted, Minjung is sitting on the door mat, waiting for him.

“You sounded distressed on the phone,” she says and gets up. She’s wearing a pair of torn jeans and a t-shirt, both of which costs more than Kibum can earn in a month. Kibum shakes his head a little, the words a reminder of what he doesn’t want to remember.

“No… I’m just tired I guess.”

He finds the key and opens the door with a creak. His apartment is small and cramped but it’s home and Kibum likes it all the same. Comme Des and Garcons join them in the hallway, small yips directing their attention to the dogs.

Kibum pushes inside and goes into the small kitchen so he can start boiling water. It’s not much but it’s more than he has ever had in his entire life and it feels good. The walls are thin and the windows aren’t isolated but he lives.

Minjung looks around in the living room and eyes a new painting Kibum hasn’t hung on the wall yet.

“I can’t believe you got another painting,” she says and Kibum shrugs while he pours two cups of tea.

“It was there and the owner hadn’t picked it up in a week, it was practically mine to take.”

She laughs at that and joins him in the small kitchen.

“You don’t have wall space for more paintings. Can’t you just let them sit in the storage?” she asks and Kibum frowns when he turns around and hands her the cup of tea. Minjung warms her hands on the hot liquid.

“You don’t know anything about pawn breaking, babe. Just let me do my work.”

He doesn’t mean to be aggressive but her hurt expression tells him he has been anyway.

“I’m sorry,” he tries but Minjung brushes it off and takes a sip of her tea.

They sit in Kibum’s bed, the dogs are lying on their legs and a movie is playing on Kibum’s old TV. Being with Minjung usually takes his mind off of his daily life, she’s a bubble of comfort and she has the ability to make things disappear but today it’s all in vain. Minjung knows something is off as well. His kisses have been lacklustre and he barely responds when she asks.

“I’m sorry,” Kibum says when Minjung stands in the doorway a little before 5. “I love you.” Minjung just sends him a smile and nods a little. “Really.”

They are polar opposites but he loves her. She grabs his hand and gently traces the back of it with her thumb.

“I know, Kibum. I love you too.”

Kibum leans closer and kisses her gently, a promise to do better and an apology. She pulls away a few seconds later and sends him a smile.

“If something is on your mind, you should talk to me, hm.”

He nods and promises that he won’t keep things from her. He knows that he isn’t going to tell her about the cancer, though.

There are things he can say, things she knows and accepts and understands. And then there are the things that will hurt her. Kibum isn’t going to tell her that.

Jonghyun flops onto his bed after a job well done. The poor man had been unsuspecting and the kill had been effortless. A shot to the heart and the man was dead. Over and done. Jonghyun had left the scene afterwards, not bothering to stay behind and watch as paramedics tried to save the man. The woman had paid him in advance and her husband was dead.

It’s always the same tale; rich woman wants rich husband dead so she doesn’t have to deal with his violent personality and instead gets all the money as a widower as opposed to only half in a divorce. The death also leaves out the social stigma of a divorce.

Jonghyun is tired of it all. He’s sorry he had to cancel on Kibum too. It’s not often that he has a job that interferes with his dates, but he can’t ignore the demands when they’re made. They’re what pay his food after all. He groans a little and lifts his head.

With fumbling he finally removes the bracelet around his wrist and looks at the tattoo underneath. Another 17520 hours lost, another two years off his life that he’ll never get back. He sighs a little before he hides his face in his soft pillow again.

Jonghyun falls asleep in his position few minutes later.

“Why did Minhyuk call me?” Minjung’s mother asks the minute she steps inside. It’s rare that her mother ever steps foot into the hallway, but today she is there, waiting with crossed arms and a finely kept eyebrow raised. Minjung shrugs.

“Maybe I was a little late?” she answers and hands her trench coat to the maid. She steps out of the high heels and stretches her arms above her head.

“He said you smelled like another man.”

Her mother’s eyes scrunch together. Minjung raises an eyebrow. Minhyuk had been doused in cologne. It’s impossible that he could even smell her soft flowery perfume, let alone Kibum’s aftershave.

“Have you been with that Taemin kid again?”

Minjung can hear the disgust in her mother’s voice and she relaxes her stance and steps away from her. She doesn’t want to hear her mother talk about her boyfriend like that.

“He’s not a kid,” she says and doesn’t deny nor confirm that she has been with another man.

When she leaves the hallway, she hears her mother call for her but Minjung doesn’t look back. She closes the door behind her when she enters her room. The curtains are drawn and stops the light from entering. It’s comforting in a depressing way.

Her room is large enough for two and could definitely hold two of Kibum’s apartments and four of Taemin’s bedrooms but it’s one of the smaller rooms in the house. There is fine art on the walls that Minjung never looks at. She would have gifted it to Kibum if it wouldn’t have been obvious that she got rid of it. The furniture has cost a small million and her bed is so soft that it sometimes gives her backaches. She’s tired of the rich comfort she’s been raised with.

Minjung kicks the door behind her in frustration before she walks into the room and sinks onto the couch. She draws her knees close to her chest and rests her chin on them before she heaves another sigh.

People always tell her they’re envious. They want what she has. They want the grand house, the garden that is so large they need four gardeners. They want the clothes, the bags, the shoes, the sunglasses. They want the financial freedom but they don’t understand that it comes with little freedom to do anything else.

If Minjung had the ability to choose she wasn’t rich. She doesn’t want the clothes, the bags, the shoes, the sunglasses. She doesn’t need a grand house or a garden so large she can’t attend it herself. She doesn’t want financial freedom.

She finds Kibum’s job fascinating. She also, to a certain extent, finds Kibum’s boyfriend’s job fascinating. She loves the need for money that makes people work hard to be able to pay their bills. She envies that they can choose what they want to spend their money on because all that is important is that they enjoy themselves.

It’s all the things Minjung can’t do because she must act appropriately as the daughter of Choi Yunkyum.

She is tired of all the expectations, especially because the expectations to her are different. Her family wants her to marry a well-off man and that’s it; act like a lady and all that.

The rest of society expects her to have the greatest education, the greatest job, the greatest life, just because of her parents and they always believe her to be an arrogant snob because of the money that her father and her grandfather before him have accumulated.

She closes her eyes and lets her body slide left until she is lying curled up on the couch. She doesn’t open her eyes and is soon asleep in her awkward position.

Tick. Tick. Tick.

He looks at the plant in front of him, observes how the eukaryotic cells work through their photosynthesis. There is life because he is here. He sends the green leaves a smile before he turns his head when someone taps his shoulder. A young girl, aged 4, looks at him with wide eyes and then points to the plant with a question.

“The plant will live as long as there is sun, water and carbondioxide,” he tells the small girl and she turns around and starts running towards her parents. His smile falls as he looks at the happy family. There aren’t many hours left.

It can’t be true. Taemin stares at the paper in faer hands.

Dear Mr. Lee,

We regret to inform you that the Academic Award scholarship you have been receiving has been discontinued for your future studies.

You’re welcome to contact me if you have any inquiries.

Professor Jeon

College of Liberal Arts

Yonsei University

Fae reads it over again and again until fae knows the words backwards and then fae throws the letter to the floor. . Fae can’t continue with faer education if fae doesn’t get the scholarship. It’s the only thing fae wanted to do before faer hours are up.

Nobody knows that faer hour count is low, maybe with an exception of faer parents but Taemin doesn’t give faer parents much credit.

Faer older brother pops his head into Taemin’s bedroom and Taemin turns around and steps on the letter to conceal it from faer brother. Taesun raises an eyebrow before he tells Taemin that dinner is ready.

Taemin doesn’t like faer family but fae likes them even less now that fae has to tell them that fae lost the scholarship. They don’t appreciate faer major. To them fae is less than faer brother. Taemin sighs. Maybe fae is less. Maybe fae has always been less.

“Taemin!” faer mother shouts from the hall and Taemin sighs one last time, just for effect, and then leaves faer bedroom to join faer family in the kitchen.

Dinner is as usual. Taemin sits on faer chair and eats in silence while faer mother gushes over Taesun’s newest A+ on his assignments. Taemin is just there. Faer father says nothing, just like Taemin, but it’s not a pleasant silence at all.
 

“Mom,” Taemin says when they finish dinner and fae is helping with washing the dishes. She looks at faer quickly before she continues washing the dish. “You know how I had the Academic Award scholarship, right…?”

This time she stops completely and turns around to face faer.

“What did you do?” she asks and Taemin shrinks a little in on faerself.

“Nothing,” fae says in defense before fae sighs. “I lost it…”

Faer mother looks at fae with disgust before she snorts and turns back to the dishes.

“Of course, you did. It was only a matter of time before those professors of yours realized that someone deserved it more than you.”

Taemin slumps over and starts drying a new plate off while faer mother continues her tirade about how useless fae is.

When the dishes are finally finished and Taemin is lying on faer bed, fae finds faer cellphone and quickly shoots a text to Junghwa. Fae is counting seconds. Junghwa knows faer family but she doesn’t know about the scholarship and right now fae isn’t in the mood to tell her. Fae feels like like always, it’s not a new feeling and fae has known it ever since fae was a child and Taesun was better than fae.

Junghwa doesn’t answer, however, and Taemin soon buries faer head in faer pillow and groans.

Sometimes fae wonder if the reason fae has so little hours is because fae was never loved. Fae wonders if parents can automatically lower the hour count of an unborn child if it’s unwanted. Then fae brings faer head up from where it’s buried in the pillow and fumbles with the band around faer left wrist.

8766 is glaring at faer, a reminder of how unwanted fae is and Taemin buries faer head back into the pillow so fae can forget faer existence, if only for the hours fae is asleep.

Minjung wakes up to the sun streaming in through the large windows and groans. She hates Monday. She can hear the maids rustling outside her bedroom but none of them dare to disturb her. It’s better all the same because Minjung doesn’t need the reminder that there are people waiting to do her every bidding.

She stays in bed for another 10 minutes before her back starts aching at the soft mattress and she gets up. Minjung grabs her silk robe and slings it around her form before she leaves the bedroom to the maids.

The chef has cooked breakfast when she walks into the kitchen on her bare feet. Minjung’s mother has told her plenty of times to at least wear underwear before she goes to the kitchen, but Minjung believes it is her right to wear whatever she pleases – and also not wear whatever she pleases. She grabs a pear and saunters into the living room. Well, one of them.

She gets a disapproving glance from a maid, but ignores her and when the fruit juice gets onto her hand, Minjung deliberately cleans her hand on the couch. It’s a completely move, but the maids are there for her mother, to raise and reprimand her and Minjung doesn’t feel any pity for them. They chose the job, she can act as spoiled and snobbish as she wants.

The big longcase clock rings once, indicating a half hour and Minjung looks up to see that it’s half past 9.

With a yawn she gets up from the couch, stretches her arms in front of her and leaves the half-eaten pear on the table to leave a stain before she leaves the living room with long strides. Her robe slips over her shoulder and reveals some of her bare but she gives it no mind.

When she gets back to her bedroom, she finds an old T-shirt and a pair of jeans. It’s designer clothes, but it’s a lot more her than dresses and fancy high heels and it doesn’t look like designer-clothes anymore with how worn it is, and Minjung likes it like that. She puts her hair into a messy ponytail before she slips on a pair of socks. While she brushes her teeth she stares into the large mirror above the sink, looks into her own soulless eyes before it becomes too depressing and she looks away. Another day maybe.

When she’s finally ready, she heads downstairs and into the hallway, only to find the butler ready to hand over her trench coat. Minjung ignores him and goes for her school bomber and toes on her sneakers. She’s out of the door before her mother or any of the maids can reprimand her for looking less like a Choi and more like a commoner.

She hurries down the street, hoping to reach the bus stop before her driver catches up with her. The minute she steps onto the bus, she sees the black car turn onto the street and she smiles wickedly. The bus-ride is bumpy and long and noisy but it’s normal and Minjung loves it.

When she gets off the bus, she helps an elderly lady with her walker and sends her a smile.

Taemin meets her at the front gate and fae snuggles close to her chest, way more clingy than usual. Minjung raises an eyebrow in worry when fae finally lets go and instead laces their hands together.

“What’s up?” she asks and fae shakes faer head and squeezes her hand.

“I’ll tell you later,” fae says and Minjung dips in to kiss faer quickly.

“Okay. Are you gonna eat lunch with Junghwa?”

Taemin shrugs.

“I don’t know,” fae says. “I’ll text you.”

Minjung nods a little and then puts a hand on faer bicep to stop faer from running away.

“I love you,” she says and Taemin nods a little.

“I love you too,” fae says and then leans in again to press faer lips against Minjung’s in a short, but secure kiss. “You really gotta go, babe. Otherwise professor Kim will be furious and it’s gonna be a horrible lesson if he’s all passive-aggressive.”

Minjung laughs a little.

“Text me, okay?”

Taemin nods.

“I promise. See you.”

And with those words they separate to go to each their buildings.

Minjung feels awfully lucky she attends the same university as Taemin. Without fae, she isn’t sure she would’ve managed to stay positive throughout all her classes. Everybody knows who she is and everybody is too afraid to talk to her, afraid they’re going to say one thing wrong that – for some reason – will cause the end of their lives.

Taemin makes college bearable, normal, mundane. Taemin makes college absolutely perfect.