I am a coward and I have a secret that I don’t want to lose, ever.

 

                A secret that is Hwang Eunbi.

                She watched the two youngest girls walk away, laughing to a topic she doesn’t know. She watched how Umji cling into the other’s arm and how it glide down until it reach SinB's hand.

                She watched them until they disappeared from her sight.

                She sighed. Sometimes, she wishes she could be Umji, the maknae. Because Umji has been blessed enough that she could do that with SinB. If she is, then she could even make SinB soft as that white Jibang she had in her room. Fluffy. Mochi. Soft.

                 Like my Jibangie. Maybe... Just maybe, I can hug her to sleep too.

                “Unnie, what are you staring at?”

                She angled her head a little. That voice caught a lot of her attention. Isn’t that somehow similar with the voice serving as her alarm clock these past few days?

                “The angel?” She said, turning her head and adjusting her position.

                “You okay?” The other ask worriedly.

                And Yerin nodded, letting out a chuckle after. Why am I getting interested and overcarried on this ‘codename: Angel’?

                “What angel are you talking about Yerin-unnie?”

                Yerin hummed questioningly. “You didn’t know? That’s what SinB is talking about while we’re walking to school. She asked about it right? I’m even pretty surprised she guessed what time the mysterious caller called again correctly.”

                Yuju just nodded at her, urging her to talk more.

                “Somehow, I’m thinking that it might be SinB, you know? Well, it’s just that that’s what I think. Since it’s weird how did she get to guess most of the songs correctly every morning when she is trying to make me speak about it.”

                “Hm, SinB? Well, the word ‘mysterious’ fits in  with her.” Yuju laugh with her idea. “Why dont you ask her then?”

                Yerin looked at her, her eyebrows almost meeting each other in between. “Well, it’s just that…I don’t know. To be honest, I’m thrilled. Not just thrilled but I’m also interested about this girl. It piques my interest that I already turned off the alarm in my phone, knowing that the girl would just call me anyway. And with the reason that I prefer hearing her voice on the other line than my favorite song for months, which I foolishly set as an alarm. Now, I always jump when I hear it.”

                “That didn’t answer my question… but that’s a good revelation you spilled there.” Yuju said, getting a small notebook from her bag.

                “What’s that notebook? I’ve been always seeing you around with that.” Yerin touched her chin and hummed. “I think since last year... Yes, absolutely! That is what is registered from the memory of thy princess, which is the honorable me. Of course.”

                Yuju scoffed playfully. “Care to tell me the reason why you're speaking in a theatrical manner again?” She asked dismissing the question.

                And Yerin laughed heartily at her question. “It’s not that I’m the only one like this. I saw you this morning showing off your newly discovered imitation to SinB. Ah, right! That reminds me. May I know why you are not that early as what you used to be this morning?”

                Yuju almost choke on her saliva. “What? Why would you even ask that? You’re weird unnie. I’m doing something late at night that is why. Am I not allowed to do that?” She continuously said while putting the small notebook back at her bag.

                “Doing something late at night” Yerin smirked. “My brain caught that line. I’m intrigued but I’ll let it pass.” She said, mischievously smiling. “And, I’m also intrigued with that notebook. You didn’t even let me saw what you wrote.”

                “It’s nothing unnie. Just some notes I suddenly thought.” The other answered her in a dismissing manner. “Anyway, I should take the mic from you and do the asking.”

                Yerin amusedly smiled in return.

                “I’ll take that as a ‘go’ signal.” Yuju responded. “So, I saw you staring on the maknaes. I wonder if you see what I’m seeing. Do you?” She asked.

                Yerin’s brows formed a crease in between. “What?” She asked. She really doesn’t have a clue on what is Yuju talking about. Well, she does, but she doesn’t think that Yuju would know her feelings about SinB. Is she that obvious?

                “Really? You don’t know? Geez, I thought it’s already not a secret in our group.” She sighed. “but… maybe it is.” Yuju said shrugging her shoulders as if what she is talking about is an easy pie. Yerin’s heart beats irregularly. Has Yuju caught on?

                “I know who likes who.”

                And Yerin’s mouth opened unconsciously. Her gayness has been discovered. Oh, wait. That’s wrong because that is really no secret to her group. Heck, even the entire school knows she has a thing for girls. Pretty girls to be exact.

                “I thought everyone knows…” That is Yuju dropping hint by hint, keeping up the thrill, and probably enjoying the reaction she’s getting from the older girl.

                “W-what is?” Still, Yerin managed to say something.

                “I thought Umji told everyone except SinB... Our Kim Yewon likes Hwang Eunbi.”

                And Yerin’s lower jaw goes lower. If the hyperbole, 'my jaw is on the floor' could be true, then probably here's Yerin trying to prove if it really can. Saying she is shock is an understatement. She never had a clue. She never noticed. She did not know. Her mood turns in a one hundred and eighty degrees. She felt down. She felt confused.

                The maknae likes her. And that ‘her’ -  is the one I like. Couldn’t life be more interesting?

                She her lips unconsciously and closed her eyes. She felt like this is a great boulder being put upon her road towards Hwang Eunbi.

               Gladly, the bell rings and the few students staying in the classroom left. That little commotion helps her not to think of anything other than it’s time to go home. She is suddenly tired. Perhaps, an excuse made by her mind... for her heart, for herself. She wouldn’t want to think about it anyway. She preferred that she doesn’t know. Because if she didn’t know, she wouldn’t feel guilty on still going on, pushing on, following her heart. If she didnt know, the battle raging in her head wouldn't last long.

                  She stood up. She suddenly felt like she needed air. An air to think, air to breathe and an air to calm her down. She stood near the open window and gaze on the open space below. She watched how the people move. And how they slowly scatter towards their way, probably on their way home, or to somewhere they feel at home.

                 The wind is strong. I can hear the little noise coming from the pages of the notebooks abandoned on the desks. I'm supposed to be studying to or perhaps walking towards the bleachers to wait for my friends, but here I am, thinking about her and my unspoken feelings for her.

                 Why am I this foolish?

                  I never thought this day would happen. How stupid am I? Why did I ever think like that? Of course, these things could happen. She's practically the epitome of a girl crush. Her charms can hook you without her even knowing. You met her and then you'll woke up and find yourself in her black hole, unable to get out, completely mesmerized by her.

                Isn't that how I also found my heart beating for her?

                I sighed and gaze at the sky above. It is so peaceful, unlike my head, constantly in war if I should just go towards her or just maintain my position as a bestfriend. I wonder if just like those people I could just go straight to that place - to that someone I feel as my HOME.

                I wonder when will Umji tell SinB? Is she a coward like me? Perhaps she isn’t.

                Sometimes, I really wished I could be like her.

                “Unnie.” A voice wakes her up from the building up nightmare in her brain. She looked at the source and found a Yuju worriedly looking at her.

                I wonder if Yuju is the ‘angel’? 

                But then the selfish me is still hoping that SinB is that mysterious caller. It must be. Because she knows the details about it. However right now, I wonder, if the ‘angel’ is really Yuju would I just go try my heart out with that ‘angel’ and save my heart from shattering?

                Could Yuju wake me up from this dream closely turning into nightmare? Just like that 'angel'?

                Yerin shake her head and sighed. No, I must not waver. I am a SinB stan. I’m a loyal SinB lover. Those are sentences she told herself before speaking up, changing the topic to avoid more heartaches. It's too early to give up.

                “Ah, before I forgot. I need people who will perform a simple performance in the coming school trip. I thought you could help me on that.”

==============================================================================

                “I’m here.”

                SinB raised her gaze up from her phone and look back at the source of the sweet voice. “Oh, you are here?”

                “No, I am not SinB. This is just my clone.” The other said, rolling her eyes.

                “Heol, why would you have a clone?” That, again, is SinB who is now doing a meme for herself.

                “Exactly.” The other put a pause for emphasis before continuing. “Why would I have a clone? Perhaps my mother’s business gotten that big that my life is in danger. That would be a kdrama episode – which is very much worthy of watching.” She said, sarcastically.

                “Ew.” SinB reacted contorting her face more. “Don’t tell me you aspire on being an actress Umji.”

                “I am not tellin