I’m seriously beginning to think that there’s something really wrong going on with me. Why am I not crying? Black suit, black tie, white shirt, and black shoes; basically from head to toe, I’m confident anybody who walks past me by would straight away offer me a condolence. Almost all people in this town know who I am anyway. And with the news of my mom’s death due to a hit-n-run accident all over the newspapers’ front page since yesterday, I would love nothing more than to get out of here and avoid people’s sympathetic look. But I respect them for being smart and kind enough not to do that. Since I literally don’t look like grieving at all when that’s exactly what I should be doing right now instead of sitting on some random stairwell with a box of cigarette in my hand.

I’ve been contemplating whether or not to stop thinking and just tear the thin plastic wrapping this cig’s box and just put one of them sticks between my lips. Can I handle it? Never ever thought I would ever lay my hand on one, let alone really trying to smoke one. But the fact that I can’t shed even a single tear really pushed me to the edge and think that maybe by smoking this thing would finally makes me cry. Even though it’d probably because of coughing too much because I’m pretty much sure I can’t handle this thing seeping in to my lungs.

Mom will go riot if she saw me like this. Smoking is one of the things mom hates the most. Let alone an underage like me, her own daughter who’s trying to make this box of cigarette as an affiliate for my broken heart. Well, she’s not even here anymore to keep me company whenever things get rough. Might as well make this as her replacement. She won’t be here anymore to hold me in her arms when I’m feeling down. She won’t be here anymore to cook my favorite dishes. She won’t be here anymore to let out her rant on me just because her favorite character died in those crime series she loves so much. I will no longer receive her compliments whenever I do something good. So, I certainly won’t even hear her nag if I start smoking from today onwards. The pain might come in handy right now.

When I thought that I’ve had enough debating about this tiny box in my hand, my phone buzzed. Seeing the name on the screen just made me want to throw the phone as far away as I can.  Definitely the last person I would like to talk to right now. I clenched the phone so tight and for a second I really thought this screen would shatter if I held on to it a little bit longer. Trying to breathe as calm as I can I finally answered the call.

“What do you want?” I really tried to sound calm and composed but my voice betrayed me.

“Where are you, my child?” I can tell he’s trying to speak as gentle as he can.

“Oh please, cut the father-daughter formality. If you call just to say that you somehow finally get to fly home, I’m just going to say one thing. I don’t care.” I emphasized that last 3 words and clearly, I heard he let out long breath right after.

“Byulyi, please hear me out first--”

Ignoring whatever he’s about to say, “I was at the funeral. Unlike that certain person who ditched out his own wife’s funeral, I did what I’m supposed to do for the last time as a daughter.” I can hear he took off his glasses and put it down on the table before rubbing his eyes probably from tiredness. But I couldn’t care less.

”And I’m going to leave this town tomorrow. I can’t handle my longing for mom. We just buried her but I miss her already. Wherever I go, I’ll see her walking with me. Whatever I’m going to do I’ll keep hearing her voice, encouraging and telling me that I’m doing the right thing. Just like how I hear her voice right now. I’m leaving. I want to start fresh somewhere else. Please, don’t look after me or try to chase me down. For everything that has happened between you and me, I believe I at least deserve this.”

“Okay Byulyi okay, but at least give me the chance to explain.” He pleaded. I can tell he’s hurting too but once again, I couldn’t care less.

“I gave you that chance this whole week. Chance to explain whatever that could make me understand but honestly, I don’t think I ever could. Mom waited for you. She did her best trying to hide her pain waiting for you, as if what she’s suffering wasn’t painful enough. But I know how hard she cried every night without you besides her. I know! She didn’t even realize I was right there witnessing her burst into tears. Even until her last breaths, she waited for you. So please, whatever you have got to say to me now, I’m sure it can wait too.” My resolve to not break down in front of him melted right away. I basically told him almost every single thing that I’ve been dying for him to know. Without waiting for him to reply, I disconnected the call. Only then I realized how wet both of my cheeks are. I am capable of crying after all.

“Looks like I’m no longer in need of you sticks.” Wiping my tears away, I got up and threw away the box of cigarette into the nearest trash bin before started to drag my heavy legs back home. In an instant, I heard my mom’s voice ringing in my head. “Good girl.”

I was a crying mess. I miss you, mom.

A/N : My first ever attempt in writing through "Love Hurts" made me feel things and kind of made me decided to take on the challenge on writing a longer fic.  As per usual, do say something on comment section down below and tell me what you think. Thank you!