The first time was always the hardest.

June 18^th 2020.

It was the second and it was still hard.

Moonbyul squeezed Wheein’s hand which was rested on her lap, lips forming a thin line of smile as she stared blankly at the circular glass of camera lenses in front of her. Wheein’s fingers wrapped around hers tightly, as if giving the last ounce of strength the younger had – which was not much. Hyejin was talking, something about thanking their fans. The words were slurring in Moonbyul’s ears like chops of jumbled words… “thank you”… “moomoo”… “six”

When it was Wheein’s turn to speak, her fingers tightened around Moonbyul’s that her knuckles whitened. Her voice croaked out a fake enthusiasm. Moonbyul knew because Wheein’s current tone was dull and low meanwhile her real enthusiastic voice was high-pitched and loud, one that resembled a ringing bell, like which when they first won a trophy or when all three of them united unanimously to tease Solar.

Solar.

Kim Yongsun.

Leader of Mamamoo.

Former leader of Mamamoo.

The thought hit Moonbyul like a thunderstorm on rainy days. She knew sooner or later she would think about it – she always did. But as many times as the thought came, she was never ready for it.

It was the most painful when night came. She thought it hurt most when the spacious RBW’s practice lounge had to be filled only by three of them. The absence would never be familiar, but at least Moonbyul had Wheein and Hyejin and three of them could always console each other, filling in the gaping hole with jokes over delivery junk food and sometimes, bottles of soju.

But when the night came and they had to go to their respective places to rest, Moonbyul would feel the loneliest. Years ago, she rarely spent spare time in her own house. She would go to Solar’s place with no particular objective. “I was bored” was the consistent answer she’d give when the older had complained about her persistent visitor – Moonbyul even had several pairs of clothing and a toothbrush in Solar’s place.

Since two years ago, Moonbyul had never once stepped into the room she knew better than her own. She wasn’t even there when they moved Solar’s possessions. Her clothes and her toothbrush had probably settled in Solar’s parents’ attic, along with their daughter’s other belongings.

It was nights like those that Moonbyul found herself sobbing into her pillow, pained over the memories and missing someone.

“Missing someone is not that hard, Byul.” Solar had once told her. “All you need to do is calling or knocking at the front door to meet them.”

But Moonbyul knew, all calls would be missed, texts left not replied, and her front door had probably rented by someone else already. And that’s what hurt most about missing someone; that no matter how crazily you were going about missing them, they just weren’t there anymore.

Wheein was still talking and Hyejin responded. Moonbyul could no longer comprehend a single word. She kept shut and as much as she knew it would make her fans worried, she did not know what to say and she did not want to say anything, either.

Wheein seemed to notice the mute. She was always the first to notice things, and that was what Moonbyul loved the most from her younger best friend. Moonbyul was not usually vocal about a lot of things although she could be bold when her opinion was accounted for. But Wheein would always notice if something was off – when Moonbyul was off – and did subtle things to fix it.

“Unnie, say something.” Wheein’s voice was gentle and soft, as if she were any harsher, it would crumble Moonbyul down. Moonbyul hated it when people saw her fragility. After Solar left, she was the oldest among the trio and it was no other but her responsibility to take care of the youngest members. However, all those two years had proven to her that the middle-school-besties were a lot tougher than she was.

“Solar unnie…”

Moonbyul subconsciously choked out the name. It surprised her as much as it surprised her members and the other staffs there as it managed to set the entire room in silence.

“I…”

The fact was, Moonbyul was not prepared to give any kind of short speech and she didn’t have any idea of what to say, so she just let out the words that had been hanging inside her head ever since the day two years ago.

“I miss you.”

She wanted to say how thankful she was and that without her presence, Mamamoo would not be where they were then – nation’s top girl group, overseas mega concerts, recognized and respected by public figures they once only dared to idolize. Moonbyul wanted to say how much Solar was needed and how strong as a leader she was and that she would never be able to replace that position. She wanted to say how kind-hearted and sincere Solar had always been to everyone around her, how great of a best friend and sister she was to Moonbyul, Wheein, and Hyejin. She wanted to say how much they – how much she loved her. But most importantly, she just wanted to say how much she had had sleepless night and found herself scrolling to their old messages. How much it was killing her to see the pictures in her phone that were mostly either Solar or Solar and her. How badly she wanted to see the bright smile and hear the distinct laughter that no one else would ever pull off. Above everything else, she just wanted to say how much she had been missing her.

Moonbyul could almost hear Wheein’s quiet sob until she realized it was her own. Wheein pulled her by her neck and hugged her tight as Hyejin joined them. The youngest’s eyes were red and had been filled with tears. Hyejin might seem nonchalant and audacious, but she was a baby inside and Moonbyul swore her life to always protect her.

For a good few seconds, they were just there. Crying and hugging each other.

“I was there with her,” Moonbyul mumbled, after tissues were delivered and the three of them had stopped bawling. Nevertheless, it was their 6^th debut anniversary and they were supposed to celebrate it with their loyal fans.

Tears were already swelling again and she blinked her eyes in order to get rid of them, as she was forced by her mind to move backwards to August 2018. The memory of Solar, head against the car window and blood spluttered all around her and Moonbyul’s bodies was still very vivid, too clear for her liking. Moonbyul’s very own voice, fighting with her own consciousness as she repeatedly called over for Solar to no avail was still ringing in her ears, as if it was someone else’s voice. Solar, lying on the hospital bed beside hers as Moonbyul listened to the beeping rhythm of the heart rate monitor, until it was a stinging sound of continuous rings and the monitor showed a straight line. Moonbyul doubted she would ever forget them.

“No….” Moonbyul said, disagreeing to her own statement.

“She was there with me.”

Silence.

“And she is here with me. And she will always be there with me.”

“With all of us.”

There was once in many years ago, when they hadn’t debuted and when Solar and Moonbyul were still archenemies. They had just had a big fight over the training schedule and Moonbyul’s shoulder ached because Solar had just pushed the younger to the wall. “I wish I would never have to live with you,” Moonbyul spat out of hatred and Solar grunted something that sounded like “likewise.”

The memory tickled her, because right now, oh how she wished she would never have to live without her.

The three of them diverted their gaze back to the camera in unison. The lost over Solar had left a deep wound in each of them, but they had their fans who went through everything with them. The ones who had kept them on the ground and fought the struggle.

One thing Moonbyul was sure about though, was that the first time was always the hardest.

But the third, fourth, fifth, and so on… would never be any less hard.